Disclaimer: This is a PARODY. Don't kill me for what is said in it. Evangelion is a proud product of Gainax, famous for its magical bounce. It also has little to do with either movies in the title, except for inspiration, whatever that's worth.

Pied Piper Productions

presents

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE / MAGOKORO NO KIMI NI

Directed by Frank Anno

Shinji: My life sucks.

Leliel: I am shiny. Hear me roar.

EVA-01: RRRRRAWR.

Leliel: GULP.

Shinji: Damn, I suck.

Child Shinji: Hello, I represent your Superego. Or Id. Whatever. Anyway, you suck because of your past. Let's have some gratuituous flashbacks.

-GRATUITUOUS FLASHBACK-

Yui: WHEE! I love "Take Your Daughter To Work Day!"

Naoko: ....I thought Shinji was a boy.

Yui: He is? Wow. Sometimes it's hard to tell with those Nadia eyes of his.

(The fourth wall falls down. Author puts it back up, grumbles something about 'Evanjellydonut influence'...)

Yui: Shinji, you just stay here where Mommy can see you while she tests an extremely dangerous and unpredictable humanoid weapon. Okay?

Child Shinji: Booger.

Yui: Good boy.

Child Shinji: (picks his nose)

Yui: Push the button, Akagi!

Naoko: Yessir.

EVA-01: VMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Naoko: Oh my. What an unfortunate accident.

-END FLASHBACK-

Shinji: How does that explain my suckiness?

Child Shinji: It doesn't. Let's have another flashback.

-ANOTHER FLASHBACK-

Asuka: Hi, I'm another basketcase. I'm bitchy and I speak bad German. HOCH DER KAISER! FARFIGNUETTEN!

Shinji: I mustn't run away.

Touji: PANTIES!

Asuka: I ate a super atomic bean burrito for lunch today, ya know.

Touji: Eeew.

Kensuke: What? Is she making this up as she goes?

Asuka: JAWOHL! A big whale thing's attacking. Here, put on this girlstyle plugsuit.

Shinji: Okay. Er-- hey, wait--

Asuka: Actually, this was just all one big excuse to get you to wear that thing. Heehee, you look funny. SNORT.

-END FLASHBACK-

Shinji: I still don't get it.

Child Shinji: Hm. The subtle approach is not working. Time for a stronger dosage.

-FLASHBACK-

Arael: HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH!

Asuka: MEIN GOTT IN HIMMEL, no! Not the most repetitive, dull, and boring hymn in existence!

Arael: Yes. And not only that, but you must stand for the entire length of it thanks to a 19th century anecdote.

Asuka: NOOOOOOOO!

Announcer: And now it's 5-time Olympic gold medalist Ayanami Rei up in the freestyle javelin throw.

EVA-00: CHUCK.

Arael: SCREE.

Shinji: Asuka, are you okay?

Asuka: I think I'll go into a coma now.

Shinji: Damn you.

Kaworu: Hi there. I like Beethoven.

Shinji: Considering that the guy in "A Clockwork Orange" liked Beethoven, that's somewhat disturbing.

Kaworu: I love you.

Shinji: And now -you're- disturbing.

Kaworu: Don't worry, I'm not a homicidal maniac. I'm just a gay Angel.

Shinji: DAMN YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!

Kaworu: Of course. How silly of me. Go right ahead.

Shinji: ........

Kaworu: Reverse psychology always works.

EVA-01: CRUSH.

-END FLASHBACK-

Shinji: Wait a minute... that technically hasn't happened yet...

Child Shinji: This is a parody. You were expecting it to follow common continuity?

(Fourth Wall comes tumbling down again. Author curses Evanjellydonut.)

Shinji: What's your point?

Child Shinji: Hot damn. You really ARE slow on the uptake.

Yui: Hello, I represent your Oedipal complex. Come with me, Shinji, and we shall rule the world as robot and koolaid.

Shinji: Okay, this is just plain weird.

EVA-01: RRRRRAWRR!

Leliel: SPLOOSH!

Misato: Shinji! He's alive!

Ritsuko: Actually, no, he's turned into tang. Or perhaps juicy juice. It's hard to tell at this stage.

Misato: Noooo! WAAAAAAH!

Shinji: SHOOP.

Ritsuko: Wow. As scientific as this show pretends to be, it still pulls the old love-miracle bunny out of that hat.

Misato: Shinji, you're solid! Are you all right?

Shinji: I'm fine. Though I have an inexplicable urge to wear glitter spandex and buy the Collected Works of Barbara Streisand.

Pen^2: Squawk.

THE END.

Dedicated to Tamerine, Toastyfrog, and that guy who wrote the really funny Kaworu parody. You know, that one. Yeah!

Send all comments and compliments to rephaim@diaryland.com. Send all flames, complaints, and hate mail to President George W. Bush. He, uh, forwards my mail. Yeah.