This is Jacob's story (Jacob and Annie) from my Quil and Claire story Imprint. You don't really need to read one to read the other, but some things might be a bit confusing, or it might feel like something's missing if you only read one. So, just do whatever you want, and if there's any confusion tell me in a review or PM and I'll clear it up.
Read, enjoy, and review!
It's nice to hear you're
having a good time
But it still hurts 'cos you used to be mine
This doesn't mean that I possessed you
You're haunting me because I let you
--N.I.T.A by the Young Marble Giants
Bella. Bella's back.
An icy, stone-like version of Bella, but Bella all the same.
I run. What else am I supposed to do?
Billy's scared that I'm going to run away again. What is he thinking? Have I been anything but dependable since my minor breakdown how many years ago?
Minor?
Shut up, I tell whatever stupid little voice in my head that said that. I hate that voice. That voice has been there since Bella left. Maybe even before. Maybe it showed up before, maybe when she came back with her leech and maybe it's a stupid little conscience. Maybe some part of me feels guilty that I made her choose. Maybe? Some part of me? I tortured myself with that. I could see how much she was holding in the tears and pain that day...
"You're obsessing."
Obsessing? Really? You're starting to sound oddly like Embry.
"Maybe because I am?" He laughs in his head. Damn you, I think. Of course, I'm embarrassed at being caught so red-handedly showing feelings like this. And thoughts.
"Hah. Sometimes I think you're--" The thought breaks off and Embry frantically sings a song in his head.
I slam the walls down in my own head and wonder why none of the others ever wanted to learn how to do this, block out every single one of your thoughts you want to, with hardly any effort.
Well, maybe some. I try to forget how long it took me to learn how to do this, partly because I really didn't want to and partly because I was so distracted. But now the walls go down almost of their own accord.
I try to reason with myself. Just because Bella's truck...appeared doesn't mean she's back. I don't even know it's Bella's truck.
Yeah, right. With her painfully human scent still clinging to every surface and the new and old burning stench of leech? Not to mention a slightly more floral-ly vampire smell. Like someone tried to make the worst smell in the world smell good with flowers.
Of course it's Bella. Typical that she'd smell better than the average vampire. Of course, not enough to make it bearable, but just enough to make me wonder...
But why would she do that? Just leave the truck like that...why would she even--
Why would she not care so much that she could not care if that hurt me like it does? Does not being able to sleep and having to suck blood to survive make her so cold and--
Of course that hurts. Everything hurts, everything that has to do with her. And why now? I had gotten over her, I had moved on. But I still think about her, sometimes. I hope that it's mutual, but really, what good would it do? I knew she was a bloodsucker when I never saw her, never heard about her. Then a few years ago, Charlie called.
Why did he have to ask me? I wanted to tell him, I really did. But apart from him probably having a heart attack and dying, he'd set the entire Forks police force on us. Us, not the Cullens. Because of course, they'd be gone. Gone with Charlie's Bella, and of course he'd have blamed us.
But I didn't tell him. And not only because of Sam's order. I wouldn't have done that to him, either.
Luckily, though, my story held. Mostly because Billy told him how depressed I'd been when she "disappeared."
How I wish it had just been her disappearing. Then I wouldn't know exactly what had happened and exactly who she is with and exactly how she eats, or rather drinks, and doesn't sleep and kills ruthlessly. What does it matter if it was only animals? Sometimes I wonder if she eats ordinary wolves, sometimes my mind drifts but something in me tells me that she wouldn't do that.
Anyway, I knew what Bella felt about leaving Charlie and Renee. I knew how hard the decision was for her. But what could I do? I tried to tell Charlie as much as I could while telling him as little as I dared. I don't think he suspected anything.
Maybe that leech. Charlie never really liked him, not after he left. And that wouldn't exactly grow to affection if he found out Edward Cullen had cursed his daughter to an endless life of killing and sucking blood.
"Hey, Jake?" Embry's "voice" is tentative.
"Yeah?"
"Are you going to...you know...talk to her? Look for her?"
"I don't know." I'm telling him the truth, I really have no idea what I should do.
"Huh. Well, don't take too long about deciding."
"Why not?"
"She might be gone soon, and if you do want to see her..."
"And what am I supposed to do? Call them up and see if they want to meet up for some coffee?" I snort.
"Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. Only, maybe not coffee."
"I am not offering them blood." I tell him.
"That is NOT what I was insinuating, Jake." Embry thinks that I'm being an idiot and my sense of humor has disappeared into the black hole Bella left. I don't even respond to him.
"Yeah, I know." I phase and run back home, worries and anticipation running around in my head. I dig through stacks of paper, under clothes and old electricity bills, old shopping lists, but I can't find that little piece of paper Bella gave me so many years ago. Why would I still have it? And it's ridiculous, apart from that. Why would they keep such an old phone?
But it's not like I can just go up and knock on their door. Maybe I should look in the phone book? Yeah, right.
But then I see it. I don't know how it could have stayed there for so long. There it is, seven little numbers written on a scrap of old homework, Bella's messy numbers perfectly readable.
I pick up the phone and dial before I change my mind. I expect the computer voice to come on, tell me that this number is not available or this line had been disconnected, and I'm so surprised when it rings that I almost drop it.
On the third ring, a velvet male voice says, "Hello?" He seems out of breath. How can a vampire be out of breath?
I almost hold the phone away from me on instinct, as if the stench and the hate can flow through telephone lines and air.
"Isn't this Bella's phone?" I say. I can hear the disgust even in my own voice. It's not like I want to try to hide it.
I hear a sharp intake of breath and a beautiful, smooth, cold female voice in the background say, "Edward?" Now it's my turn to stop breathing.
"Jacob Black."
"Yeah, whatever. Is Bella there?"
He sighs; the sound echoes perfectly.
"Edward?" This time it's closer. "Who is it?" Her voice sounds almost scared. Of course she heard me, I think. Why is she acting like she doesn't know who I am?
"Give the phone to Bella," I hiss.
"I'm really not sure--"
"Give the phone to Bella," I repeat. I'm sure she can just take it from him; she's probably just as strong as him, now.
A few seconds of silence and then a soft, "Jacob?"
I swear my heart stops, at least for a second. Then it comes back all too fast.
"Jake?" I realize I have to say something.
"Uh...hi, Bella."
She laughs softly, and it's almost human. It almost sounds like when she laughed when she was human.
I have to ask her about the truck. Right. "Did you..." I can't seem to form the words in my brain, let alone with my mouth. "Um...your truck..."
She sighs, sounding like Edward before. "Yeah."
"Why?" That's all I can even think to ask her.
"I thought you might want it."
"Why would I--"
"I don't know, Jacob," she says impatiently, and she sounds so much like she used to. I can just see her cheeks flush and her eyes sparkle as she flips her hair in front of her face.
"Why didn't you--just call or something." My question falls flat.
"I didn't want to--if you had--" She takes a deep breath. "If you had--well, I didn't want to--disturb..."
"This kind of disturbs me more, Bella." I try to keep my voice calm and even but I'm sure she can hear the anger and the pain.
"I'm sorry," she says simply.
"Don't you want it?"
"What?"
"The truck."
"I don't really care..." She sounds like she's about to cry but I know that's impossible. Vampires don't cry.
"Hey, Jake...why did you...call?"
I bite my lip. "Well, I thought it would be nice to know--everything. And I thought maybe..." I don't want to say it in case...
"What?"
"Maybe I could see you?" I rush out.
There's silence for a few minutes, and I can hear the leech talking in the background, but I can't understand what he's saying.
"I...I'm not sure that would be the best idea, Jake."
I let my breath out slowly. "You don't want to..." Even now, the fierce sting of rejection washes over me.
"I do, Jake, I do, believe me. But...what about you?"
"I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want to, you know."
"I know, but..." Something tells me that's not what she means.
"Will you...?" I try not to think of what would happen if she looses control. Or if I do.
When I talk to her on the phone like this, I can almost imagine that she's human. If I just try to ignore the slight cold edge and the inhuman confidence in her tone, I can just see her as I remember...
"Maybe...yeah. Okay. But...Edward wants to talk to you." She whispers something to him that I can't understand.
"Jacob?" His voice is tense.
"What?"
"I'm going with her." It's a firm decision and nothing I say is going to change it. But I feel slightly relieved that it's not just going to be us alone, even if the bloodsucker doesn't make a very nice addition.
"Where?" I ask.
"The line?" He answers.
"Yeah, whatever." I shrug even though I know he can't see me. We both know exactly where we're talking about.
"When?" He asks. Bella says something. "Seven?"
"Today?"
"Yes." He sounds unhappy. "And Jacob? I suggest you bring someone too." The phone goes dead, I slam it down harder than necessary, breathing hard. When I was actually hearing her voice I felt so calm, but now it feels like I would shatter if I move an inch. But I glance at the clock. Six fifteen. I wonder why she wanted to meet so soon. Probably for the same reason I do. It's not that I want to get it over with, I just don't want it hanging over me.
I call Embry. He doesn't answer. I wasn't really expecting him to, so I phase. He's still out, running, and when I phase his mind shifts.
"So?"
"So what?"
"What happened?" He's annoyed, as usual, at the walls in my head. The pack finds it inconvenient, but of course they were glad then that I had learned how to block my thoughts and feelings. Or most of them.
I open my mind to him, or at least part of it. He sees what happened, and I ask him if he can come with me tonight.
"Seven? What time is it?"
"Six fifteen, six thirty..."
"Shit."
"Come on."
"Why me? Where's Quil?"
I snort. "Quil would probably--"
"Yeah, yeah, I know." He sighs. We both know that Quil isn't exactly the most...stable person at the moment. Not that I blame him. With everything with Claire...
But that isn't the only reason I asked Embry. He is just more...calm, controlled...much like Sam, but I knew that as much as he might read my mind, he still doesn't understand about Bella.
"Thanks so much." I roll my eyes as Embry snickers. Not always the most mature, of course...
He sniffs. "So? Are we planning on going?"
"It's kind of early."
"We'll go around."
We take a roundabout route to the line on that road where we said we'd meet. As soon as my mind jumps from patrolling and running, I can feel the butterflies dancing in my stomach. I slow down.
"Come on, Jake." Embry rolls his eyes but he's sympathetic.
We approach the invisible line, and two shadowy but almost glowing forms step out of the trees. My first thought is that Bella's taller--not by that much, but enough to make a difference. I can't see her face that well but I still almost can't breath, and not just because the stench of leech.
The taller form leans down and whispers something to the smaller one. I growl. He just always has to be in my head. You are so irritating, I think.
"You don't have to scream." He shrugs. "What can I do? Try blocking it yourself." He turns and I see him just as he always was. I wasn't really surprised--what was I expecting, anyways? Gray hair?
Both Embry and Edward snicker, but stop after a second. It's tense and short. Bella looks confused, then annoyed. It's just the same expression as I've seen before when Edward and I have carried on conversations half in my head and half out loud, but it looks completely different on this face.
It's eerily Bella and eerily not Bella. She's beautiful, but it's the kind of beautiful that makes me want to kill her. She has the same big wide eyes, but they're a light gold, not that deep chocolate brown. They look out of place on her face, almost. The same nose, the same full lips, the same hair, only thicker and longer and more reddish.
"I'm going to phase back," I tell Embry. He nods and we both go a little ways into the woods. I phase, pull on a pair of cutoff's and walk quickly back. Embry meets me there, dressed similarly. I feel sort of numb...there's no pain, not at the moment. But I know it'll come. I prepare myself for it at the same time as almost welcoming it.
When Bella looks at me I hear the breath catch in her throat, and her wide eyes go even wider. Then she smiles--a lopsided, beautiful half-grin. But I tense in spite of myself, resisting the urge to tear her to pieces. Every part of me objected me letting two vampires so close.
The grin fades and Bella is serious again. Edward just scowls at me.
I don't even know what to say, now that I'm confronted with it, with her in this ice cold, freezing...
"Jake!" Embry's hissing my name even though we both know they can hear it. He tries to tell me with a look but I don't get it.
"Your friend wants you to hurry up and stop wasting--"
"Get out of my head," Embry growls. He glares at them.
"You don't need to stay, you know," I tell him.
"Yeah, I actually do." He walks backwards so his back is against the tree, leaning there but ready if he needs to be to fight. Bella's looking at Embry, but his scowl doesn't lessen and he looks away from her.
"Jake..." She turns to me and I can't breath for a second.
"Yeah?" I ask roughly.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I'm really sorry." I flinch as the dull pain starts pounding at my heart.
"Why are you apologizing? You're happy. That's good." I can hear the bitterness in my own voice. But Bella just looks sadder. I still can't think of her as leech, bloodsucker, parasite, vampire. She's still Bella...well, for everyone else, at least. Now she's just my enemy. But still Bella. Still my best friend and I still love her. But I love the human Bella, not this vampire. I just can't, no matter how hard I try.
"Yes, but are you?"
"I was." She bites her lip at the implication in my tone and I can see her grip on the now-silent leech's hand next to her tighten as I continue. "Why did you have to do that? It wasn't like I needed a truck." I scoff.
"Your Rabbit still working, then?"
I hesitate, then nod. "Yeah, of course." I'm still waiting for an answer, and she knows that.
"I just..." She glances up at Edward and I clench my fists.
"Whatever, Bella. It doesn't matter." I turn slightly and glance back at Embry.
"Wait."
"What?" I snap.
"To tell you the truth, Jacob, we just left it there. I didn't realize until...well, until it was too late. I'm sorry. It was just gone. I knew...I mean..." It's a strange thing, to see a vampire lost for words.
"And what were you doing here anyways? Do you realize you're breaking the tre--"
"Damn the treaty."
"What?" I'm shocked and Embry narrows his eyes.
"Sam is not going to be happy, Jake. Especially since you go now and meet them."
"He'll deal." His eyes widen slightly then he sighs almost inaudibly.
"Your problem," I hear him mutter.
Edward chuckles slightly and I glare at him.
"Edward..." Bella says softly, almost as a question. He meets her eyes and I can see a silent exchange going on, and then she nods almost imperceptibly.
"We were just passing through," Edward says as if there was no interruption.
"Just passing through." I repeat in disbelief. They're just passing through somewhere they had no right to be and they just happen to forget their truck exactly where I would just happen to find it.
"It wasn't exactly...our truck."
"No, you're exactly right," I spit. "It was Bella's." They both notice the use of the past tense and hardly show a reaction. This Bella wouldn't want an old truck like that. This Bella wouldn't want to go that slowly.
"You're wrong." Edward says. I ignore him.
"Are you all here?" Embry speaks up, probably for Sam.
Edward just hesitates and Bella glances at him. "Just us and Alice and Jasper," he finally says. "But the others aren't too far away."
"Did you realize that you're breaking the treaty?" I ask softly, looking at Bella. It's almost hard to speak.
She nods slowly. "We understand."
"Well." Embry pushes away from the tree he was leaning on. "That was nice and all but we really have to be going." Sarcasm drips from every syllable. He hates them, even more than I do. More than I hate him. Bella's different...of course I...hate her, just because of how she smells and looks and talks. But the love and hate battle each other in me, and I don't know which one wins.
Edward walks off a few paces back towards Forks, and Embry a few the other way. Bella steps forward until she's just at the line, and I realize I had walked up to the edge too.
"Bella...I don't know what you want, but really, I can't give it to you." She flinches slightly and I get a sudden image of Bella in the Rabbit that night, clutching her arms around herself and almost falling apart. I hear a slight growl from the woods. Too bad if he doesn't like what he sees in my head. It's my head, after all.
"Jacob--" She breaks off suddenly and blinks, her eyes close for a millisecond but I imagine that they'll be brown again when she opens them. But they're the cold butterscotch; I know I wasn't really expecting anything different.
"What, Bella, why are you here?" I try not to breath; the stench is almost overwhelming.
She looks down but I can still see pain in her eyes. She reaches out and touches my arm lightly with ice cold fingers and I react immediately. I hear myself growl but manage not to touch her again as I jump back away from her. She turns and walks back to her bloodsucker.
Something in me tells me to ask them. So I do. "How long are you here?"
He turns back around but she doesn't. "We would like to stay for a while, as we have some business to take care of. But if that won't work, we can always--"
"We'll talk to Sam." I say shortly, and he nods and they walk away. He wraps his arm around Bella's shoulders, pulling her close to him, and I don't even feel like ripping his head off.
I stand there for a second before the pain comes in waves, and then I slide to the ground against a tree, burying my face in my hands and I hardly hear whatever it is Embry's saying.
--
"What. The hell." Sam's furious voice rings across the room and cuts through the agony. "What were you thinking, Jacob? Embry?"
"I just went to make sure he didn't do anything stupid." Embry says quietly.
"And of course the idea of telling us didn't even cross your mind," Sam spits. "Jake. Come on. Why are you being such an idiot?"
"I wasn't being an idiot." Even I can hear every single one of my emotions in my voice. I can't manage to get the boundaries up, the mask in place. Sam sighs at my feeble protest.
"Embry, go get Seth and Leah."
"What?"
"Just do it." His voice is sharp, commanding.
"Why them?" Embry doesn't leave but stands up. "What about Quil? Paul?"
"Do you really think Quil is going to be much use to us right now? And Paul..." He runs a hand through his hair and Embry leaves quickly.
Sam doesn't try to talk to me but I can feel his eyes boring into me as I stare at the ground and try to control the pain running through me, pain I thought I was done with, but I can't do anything so I just bury my face in my arms on the table.
We wait in silence and Embry finally returns after what seems like hours, Seth and Leah on his heels. Leah looks at me but I hardly register the sympathy in her gaze. The pain's almost as bad as before, such a long time ago, but now I have the fresh image of what she has become etched permanently in my head.
"Guys!" Sam says and Leah scowls but at Sam's warning look she doesn't say anything about this injustice.
"How long did they say they were staying? How many?"
"Them and two more. But the others are close, apparently." Embry answers. "They had to stay 'a while' to do some 'business' but I said we'd have to talk about whether that would be okay, seeing how they broke the treaty."
Just those three words sends sharp, shooting pain between my head and chest. I don't lift my head and they don't talk directly to me. I half listen to what they're saying, about whether they should be allowed to stay. I can sense someone's gaze on me but I don't care who's it is. I don't really care about anything, I realize. Not right now.
Chairs scraped back, mumbles, a door opening. I feel a light touch on my shoulder and look up to see Leah.
"It'll be okay, Jake. You'll see." I just shrug and she frowns and leaves with Seth.
Embry pulls on my arm a second later. "Come on." Sam's nowhere to be seen. Probably with Emily, I think, and there's more pain.
"Jake, you have to go home." I feel myself nod and I gather some semblance of control, enough to get home, at least. We leave and walk silently. I don't have anything to say, except, what? I'm sorry?
I open the door and hear Billy call out, "Jake? That you?"
"Yeah," I answer. He wheels out of the kitchen slowly and takes one look at my face and swears. Again, I don't have anything to say. I just go to my room, close the door, and collapse on my bed, letting myself drown.
--
But of course I dream, because I can't just have ten hours of oblivion.
It's just Bella. Bella and her bloodsucker just walking away. Her eyes. Her eyes were the worst. Just like them. If they were the same beautiful brown I think I might be able to handle the rest. Then at least I could delude myself that she's still human, still happy.
She is happy, that little annoying voice tells me. Without you. Get over it.
Shut up. I give that voice the response I always do. I had too many voices in my head already, it didn't have to add on another one. I wonder vaguely if I'm going crazy.