Thomas leaned against the outside wall, staring at the freshly fallen snow. The sky had cleared up allowing the moon and stars to shine. Being so clear, the air chilled to a very bitter cold, making Thomas shiver a little as he tried to light his cigarette. It was his last one but he had the afternoon off tomorrow and he could run into Thirsk to get more. He needed them more than ever. Thomas Barrow was surrounded by people in a large house, but he was so alone. Thomas always felt like he was alone in the world but it felt the worse during the holidays. Christmas was coming and Thomas was dreading it. Everyone was getting gifts for their family and friends, and Thomas would do neither the giving nor the receiving except when getting gifts from upstairs. It was only another holiday to show Thomas he was alone in the world, no matter what he did. He looked at the empty spot beside him and smirked. Mrs. O'Brien used to fill that empty feeling. If it wasn't for her bloody nephew Alfred, she'd be out here with him. He hated to admit he missed her company, but he didn't need someone who would stab him in the back in heart beat. Yes she did stab, oh so hard and silent, but his back is covered in scars so it was just another to add to the collection. His heart was hollow and empty in everyone's eyes, but that wasn't true. He had a heart, but no one here earned to see it, or feel its warmth. No, he wouldn't dare show his heart, not again. Not after all the hurt he's had to suffer for, and no one will ever understand.

As Thomas blew out the last bit of smoke, he looked up at the clear sky and blew out the smoke.

I'm trying. I swear I'm trying but its so hard when no one even wants to understand. If its such a bad thing then why did you make me like this? Oh I would give anything to fall in love with a woman and have a family...but then I don't because this is who I am. I can't change that, and you know it.

He spotted a star that shined brighter than the rest.

I haven't done this since I was a lad, Thomas spoke through his mind, But perhaps...you can send me an angel. Not for a lover or anythin like that, but...maybe a friend. A real friend. I'd be very happy and I would try to better. I'd have someone to help me try.

Thomas flicked the cigarette but away, sighed, then laughed.

What I'd do for someone. Just...someone.

He stood up straight then headed back inside the crowded servants hall.