Thanks for corey for the beta. Also posted at .com under the same name
Doctor Zack Addy was pacing the small visitors room when Agent Seely Booth arrived. He was walking ferociously back and forth on the cream-coloured carpet, both hands in his pockets. Both men were dressed in casual attire, and although Zacks faded jeans and plain blue t-shirt gave off a calming air, Booth had the impression that this outfit was one that had been carefully selected by the nurses to avoid the possibility of stimulating the patients too much.
On the one hand, Booth thought this was a good idea, but seeing Zack dressed so stunned him. He was usually dressed so colourfully, a contrast to his somewhat plain personality. Now he looked... defeated, erased.
The room was sparse, with cream coloured wallpaper and beige seating. There were few paintings on the wall of flowers and people smiling. Although it looked presentable, Booth was sure the rest of the place didn't look this good. He sniffed the air and recognised the odd smell he noticed when he first arrived; anticeptic.
Booth cleared his throat, and Zack stopped pacing and looked up.
"Agent Booth, what a pleasant surprise."
Booth frowned. "They didn't tell you I was coming? I phoned ahead."
Zack smiled softly.
"They did tell you, and that's when you were surprised." Booth smiled, and extended his hand. "It's good to see you."
Zack looked at the hand, then at his. Slowly he took his right hand out of this pocket. It looked very pale, and it was covered with many scars, some pale with age, some still red raw. Plainly speaking, it looked mangled. It shook as Zack took his hand, and although Zack had never had a particularly strong hand shake, this one was quite weak.
"I assumed you wouldn't mind touching my hand, you have seen worse."
Booth realised he was staring. "Oh no I have, I just..." Booth laughed softly and shook his head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare."
"That's ok, I'm used to the staring. I find it easier to hide both my hands to avoid repeticious questioning and staring."
"It must be hard."
"It's human nature to be curious about the injuries and ailments of others." Zack answered, moving towards a chairs. "I find I have to type one handed nowadays, which is much more difficult then I would have imagined."
Booths first reaction was surprise; he couldn't imagine giving such people access to computers. But he didn't want to say that in front of Zack. Although Zack had never been crazy to begin with, having to be in a place full of people who were would most definitely make one sensitive to the issue.
He settled on asking, "what do you do on the computers?"
"Not a whole lot, we don't have Internet access, but there are a few games on the internal system, as well as word processing and databases." Zack answered.
"But I thought Bones said you'd sent her an e-mail."
"We can do that, but they have to be cleared by our doctors beforehand."
"You haven't sent one in a while." Booth acknowledged.
"How do you know that?"
"Zack, I work with the guys, remember? You squints aren't that hard to read." Booth saw the involuntary flinch when he described his coworkers as "you squints", but he decided ignoring it was the best way to handle it.
"I don't have anything to say to them." Zack revealed.
"You could just say 'hi', tell them you're doing." Booth proded.
Zack frowned. "But you and Doctor Sweets can pass on any mesasges of salutation, and my current prognosis."
"That's true, but they might like it better coming from you."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Why's that?"
"Because I don't feel anyone at the Jeffersonian will trust me anymore."
Booth was shocked at the honesty. While it was true that everyone at the Jeffersonian still cared for the young Doctor, he had to admit that trust was still a sensitive issue amongst the group.
"They, they trust..." Booth stopped and tried again. "They'll trust you on this."
Zack looked up. "I feel that anything I have to say to them wont be enough."
Silence decended as Zack collected his thoughts.
"Doctor Hodgins loves Angela. He had been spending a lot of time with her. You can Doctor Brennan were on cases or at the Diner. Then I went to Iraq and I was not close to anyone over there."
Booth nodded, knowing that he shouldn't stop him once he began.
"The things I was witness to in Iraq were not much different to what I see here; decomposing bodies, skeletal remains. The other men in my platoon took it harder than I did, and they felt my removed vantage point was a weakness rather than a strength. And then, when I came home..."
"You felt alone." Booth understood, war did that to new recruits.
"No, I felt.. connected. Connectable. I was never a hero Agent Booth, and not once in my life have I done anything that could be considered even remotely self sacrificing, but... but he gave the power, gave me the opportunity to be that way.
I suppose my mother was right, I should have used my intelligence to become a medical doctor rather than an anthropologist. But I could stand the thought of..." Zack shook his head and sighed. "I have seen countless dead bodies Agent Booth, but it wasn't until Iraq that I saw people actually dying. It was... unnerving, to say the least. I couldn't stand the idea that people I love could be hurt in such a way. I knew all about secret societies and how they opperate from Doctor Hodgins, and I am quite proficiant in death. He was able to help me align the two in a way where I could use my intelligence to help people, to save people. That made logical sense. It was not easy to lie to you, but it too made sense; if you knew what we were doing, you would have to stop us."
Booth nodded.
Zack continued. "Everything he said made sense, and everything we did made sense. When he asked me kill that man... it bothered me, but not as much as I hoped it would have."
Zack looked up, tears in his eyes. "It was to save you, and Doctor Brennan and Angela and Doctor Hodgins and Doctor Soroyan, and my family and..." he stopped ranting, and the room was quiet.
"You believed what you were doing was right." Booth nodded. "I get that."
"But then Doctor Brennan made me realise I didn't really think that way, because I couldn't hurt the people I love."
"And he was asking you to hurt the people you were trying to save."
"'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.'" He quoted. "But how can the many and the few be the same people?"
Booth was quiet, before he realised Zack was not asking a rhetorical question.
"I don't know kid, I don't know. I guess they can't." Booth frowned, thinking. "I guess, to some people they are the same, but not to all people. To a guy on the street with that logic, hurting Hodgins wouldn't be a problem to save his family. But to hurt someone in his family to save Hodgins?"
Zacks eyes opened wide. "That does make sense. I'll have to talk to Doctor Sweets about that."
A knock on the door indicated visiting time was over.
"I'm very glad you came Agent Booth." Zack said as both men stood.
"No problems Zack. If there's anything I can do, any messages I can pass on..." Booth asked.
Zack smiled. "No thank you, I think I'll send an e-mail to Doctor Hodgins if I require anything."