Disclaimers: I don't own Max Payne, the Real World, or anything having to
do with either of the two. So, Rockstar, MTV Networks, and everyone else
that DOES own these two, be nice and don't sue, okay?
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to anybody, living, dead, or somewhere in between, are purely coincidental. In other words, this is ALLLLLL make-believe.
And now, Max Payne & Co. present:
The Real World
Max Payne: This is the story.
Mona Sax: . of seven strangers.
Vladimir Lem: . picked to live in a house.
Det. Valerie Winterson: . and have their lives taped..
Vinnie Gognitti: .. Find out what happens.
Annie Finn: . when people stop being polite.
Mike the Cowboy: . and start being real..
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
The House, Manhattan
(Max is already there. Vladimir shows up momentarily.)
Vladimir: Pleased to meet you, dearest of all my friends. I am Vladimir Lem. And who are you?
Max: Max Payne. How was your ride here?
Vladimir: It was good. Very nice. And yours?
Max: It was smooth, like floating on top of a cloud in a peaceful sky high above the turbulent storms pouring down on the poor, unsuspecting populous below.
Vladimir: Uh. good.
Max: (in confessional) Vlad seems okay, but what was that "Dearest of all my friends" about? He just met me. It's like a dog running to lick the face of the dog catcher assigned to put him to sleep.
(Winterson enters the house, dressed in a pant-suit)
Max: Oh, hello.
Vladimir: Hello, madam. I am Vladimir Lem.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson. Nice to meet you. (Shakes Vladimir's hand)
Max: Max Payne. (Shakes her hand)
Winterson: Hi, nice to meet you too.
(Winterson walks over to put her bags down)
Vladimir: She's pretty cute, isn't she?
Max: Sure, I guess. Like a shiny pearl hidden under a barnacle-encrusted oyster shell amidst the rough, jagged edges of a coral reef.
Vladimir: (in confessional) What is the deal with this guy Max and metaphors? Why can't he just answer "Yes" or "No" to a question? He seems nice otherwise, but that way of talking is going to get on my nerves.
Winterson: Are the other guests here yet?
Max: No. We're still waiting for them.
Vladimir: So, Valerie - may I call you Valerie?
Winterson: Call me Winterson.
Vladimir: (laughs coolly) Okay, Winterson, where did you get that outfit? It is very cute.
Winterson: (smiles just a little) Thanks. I got it at Bloomingdale's.
Winterson: (confessional) That Vlad guy's quite charming. He seems quite the gentleman. I wouldn't mind hooking up with him. Although that Max guy's pretty cute too, in a dark, mysterious kind of way. Maybe I should hook up with both of them.
(Vinnie enters, dressed in a windbreaker, designer jeans, a small gold chain, and a Captain Baseball Bat Boy T-shirt. He carries luggage with Captain Baseball Bat Boy drawings on it)
Vinnie: How ya doin'? Vinnie Gognitti.
Max: Max Payne.
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.
Vinnie: Hey, nice to meet ya.
(Vinnie goes over, sets his luggage down, and opens it. Almost everything in it has to do with Captain Baseball Bat Boy.)
Max: (to everyone there) Gee, what do you do in your spare time?
Vinnie: What? I collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff. I'm gonna sell this stuff on E-Bay and make a fortune.
Vinnie: (confessional) What? I'm a collector. Do you guys have any idea how much money this stuff's worth? I'm tellin' ya, f(bleep)in' much.
Vladimir: Sure, Vinnie, sure.
(Annie Finn and Mike the Cowboy show up together. Mike is dressed totally in Western wear, with snakeskin boots.)
Annie: Wow. Nice crib.
Mike: (with Russian accent) Howdy, folks. I'm Mike, the Cowboy.
Annie: Yo. I'm Annie Finn.
Max: Max Payne.
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.
Vinnie: Vinnie Gognitti.
Winterson: How was your trip, guys?
Annie: It was a'right. Straight trippin'.
Mike: I liked it a lot. We got a nice limo, and all the beef jerky we could eat.
Annie: (confessional) That Mike dude got on my nerves. We shared a limo. Every time I wanted to listen to the hip-hop and R&B stations, Mike kept changing it to Country & Western. I don't wanna listen to that redneck crap.
Max: So Mike, where did you get that hat? It's interesting, like an oversized balloon in a one-float parade the day after Thanksgiving.
Mike: Oh, thank you. I buy it here in city. I love Western clothes, Country music, cowboy hats, cowboy boots. It's all so. American.
(Mona Sax enters, dressed in a skimpy top and tight jeans.)
Max: Oh, uh, hello.
Mona: Hi. I'm Mona.
All the guys: Hi Mona!
Mona: (giggles a bit) Hello.
Max: Max Payne.
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.
Vinnie: Vinnie Gognitti.
Mike: I'm Mike.
Mona: Nice to meet you guys.
(Annie & Winterson, confessional)
Annie: That girl Mona.. S(bleep)t, what a little hoochie.
Winterson: For real, girl. I say put some clothes on.
(Meanwhile, back at the house)
Mona: Oh, I didn't get your names yet. I'm Mona Sax.
Annie: Yo, Annie Finn.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.
Mona: (confessional) These guys seem really cool, ya know. I think we're gonna have a lot of fun together.
Mike: (confessional) I like Mona. I wonder if she likes cowboys. I give her horsie ride all night long.
Vinnie: (confessional) Wow, that Mona chick looks good enough to eat. I'm definitely gonna hook up wit' 'er. She's gonna love my Captain Baseball Bat Boy collection, especially my Captain Baseball Bat Boy sheets.
Vladimir: (confessional) Mona Sax? Oh yes, I would f(bleep)k her.
Max: (confessional) Mona is beautiful alright, in a bad-girl sort of way. She's the demon that drags you to hell with a chain of beauty that you never want to break free from.
Max: So, who's gonna room with who?
Mona: I'm open.
(All the guys' eyes light up)
Winterson: Vlad, you're rooming with me.
Vladimir: (a little irritated) Ohhh, all right.
(Winterson smiles cockily at Mona)
Vinnie: Hey Mona, I'll room wit' you.
Mona: Thanks, Vinnie, but I think I'm gonna room with Max. Oh, uh, if that's okay with you, Max.
Max: Yes!! I mean, uhh, I guess it'll be okay.
Vinnie: Well, then, I guess the third room goes to me, Mike, and Annie. So, Annie, you like Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff? Cause I got a bunch of it.
Annie: (half-heartedly) Super.
Mike: All right, the three of us all together. We have fun together. We line-dance all night.
Annie: (confessional) Great. I gotta share my part of da crib with the two most annoying guys here.
(later that evening)
Vladimir: So, what does everyone want to do this evening?
Mona: Hey, let's all go clubbing.
Max: Sounds good.
Winterson: That's fine, I guess.
Annie: A'right.
Vinnie: Yeah, sure, I'll go.
Mike: Let's giddy up!
(We see the whole gang at a club. 50 Cent's "In Da Club" is playing in the background. We see Max, Mona, Vladimir, Winterson, Annie, and Vinnie dancing in one group, while Mike is sitting at a nearby table watching.)
Mike: (confessional) I didn't want to ditch the rest of the group, but I don't know how to dance hip-hop. It's not even my music. I was just waiting for some Country & Western music to line-dance to.
(Meanwhile, Max moves in and presses up against Mona. Vladimir tries to move in closer to Mona as well, but Winterson moves in and cuts him off.)
Mona: (confessional) I don't get it. Every time Vlad tries to give me attention, Winterson's always there to get in between him. It's like she doesn't want him near me. What's up with that?
Winterson: (confessional) That slut ain't getting anywhere near my man. I'll make damn sure of that.
(We now see the gang seated at the table, having drinks.)
Mona: So, is everyone having fun?
Vladimir: Yes. Thanks for recommending this place.
Max: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Mike: It's okay, but I wish they'd play some Country music.
(everyone else's eyes roll)
Mona: Well, if you wanna hear it so bad, go request a song. Maybe the DJ can hook you up.
Vinnie: I'm lovin' it here. What about you, Annie?
Annie: Yeah, it's pretty tight. Hey, where'd Mike go?
(We see Mike handing a small slip of paper to the DJ. A few minutes later, "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis begins to play, amidst booing from most of the club patrons, who walk off the dance floor.)
Mike: Hey Annie, want to dance?
Annie: I don't know how to two-step.
Mike: Come on, I show you. It fun.
Annie: Ohhh, a'right.
(Mike leads Annie out onto the dance floor and shows her how to two-step. She's a little clumsy at first, but she soon gets the hang of it. Mike is looking into her eyes while they dance, and Annie cracks a smile.)
Annie: (confessional) I gotta admit, for what he does, Mike's a pretty good dancer. I actually had fun two-stepping. Plus, Mike did look pretty fly in that cowboy gear.
Annie: Y'know, this is pretty good music to dance to.
Mike: Really? I told you you'd like it. We can listen to more later at the house.
Annie: Okay, sure.
(a few minutes later, after the song finishes..)
Mona: Well, I'm ready to head back to the house. How about you guys?
Max: Sure. We're gonna have a busy day tomorrow.
Winterson: Sounds good. Let's go, Vlad.
Vinnie: All right. Hey Annie, I can show you my Captain Baseball Bat Boy trading cards.
Annie: Thanks, Vinnie, but Mike and I gonna listen to some of his tunes.
Vinnie: (dejectedly) Oh, uhhh, okay.
Vinnie: (confessional) Ah, dammit. I'm losing Annie to that Russian wannabe hillbilly. This freakin' sucks. Well, I'm gonna hook up wit' somebody on this trip, and that cowboy ain't gettin' in my way.
MTV Announcer: On next week's episode of "The Real World". the gang goes skydiving. Winterson takes it up a notch. and Vinnie Gognitti a rapper? Stay tuned.
So, like it? Hate it? Have any suggestions? Then please, submit a review. I'd love to read it.
More will in fact be coming, so stay tuned..
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to anybody, living, dead, or somewhere in between, are purely coincidental. In other words, this is ALLLLLL make-believe.
And now, Max Payne & Co. present:
The Real World
Max Payne: This is the story.
Mona Sax: . of seven strangers.
Vladimir Lem: . picked to live in a house.
Det. Valerie Winterson: . and have their lives taped..
Vinnie Gognitti: .. Find out what happens.
Annie Finn: . when people stop being polite.
Mike the Cowboy: . and start being real..
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
The House, Manhattan
(Max is already there. Vladimir shows up momentarily.)
Vladimir: Pleased to meet you, dearest of all my friends. I am Vladimir Lem. And who are you?
Max: Max Payne. How was your ride here?
Vladimir: It was good. Very nice. And yours?
Max: It was smooth, like floating on top of a cloud in a peaceful sky high above the turbulent storms pouring down on the poor, unsuspecting populous below.
Vladimir: Uh. good.
Max: (in confessional) Vlad seems okay, but what was that "Dearest of all my friends" about? He just met me. It's like a dog running to lick the face of the dog catcher assigned to put him to sleep.
(Winterson enters the house, dressed in a pant-suit)
Max: Oh, hello.
Vladimir: Hello, madam. I am Vladimir Lem.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson. Nice to meet you. (Shakes Vladimir's hand)
Max: Max Payne. (Shakes her hand)
Winterson: Hi, nice to meet you too.
(Winterson walks over to put her bags down)
Vladimir: She's pretty cute, isn't she?
Max: Sure, I guess. Like a shiny pearl hidden under a barnacle-encrusted oyster shell amidst the rough, jagged edges of a coral reef.
Vladimir: (in confessional) What is the deal with this guy Max and metaphors? Why can't he just answer "Yes" or "No" to a question? He seems nice otherwise, but that way of talking is going to get on my nerves.
Winterson: Are the other guests here yet?
Max: No. We're still waiting for them.
Vladimir: So, Valerie - may I call you Valerie?
Winterson: Call me Winterson.
Vladimir: (laughs coolly) Okay, Winterson, where did you get that outfit? It is very cute.
Winterson: (smiles just a little) Thanks. I got it at Bloomingdale's.
Winterson: (confessional) That Vlad guy's quite charming. He seems quite the gentleman. I wouldn't mind hooking up with him. Although that Max guy's pretty cute too, in a dark, mysterious kind of way. Maybe I should hook up with both of them.
(Vinnie enters, dressed in a windbreaker, designer jeans, a small gold chain, and a Captain Baseball Bat Boy T-shirt. He carries luggage with Captain Baseball Bat Boy drawings on it)
Vinnie: How ya doin'? Vinnie Gognitti.
Max: Max Payne.
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.
Vinnie: Hey, nice to meet ya.
(Vinnie goes over, sets his luggage down, and opens it. Almost everything in it has to do with Captain Baseball Bat Boy.)
Max: (to everyone there) Gee, what do you do in your spare time?
Vinnie: What? I collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff. I'm gonna sell this stuff on E-Bay and make a fortune.
Vinnie: (confessional) What? I'm a collector. Do you guys have any idea how much money this stuff's worth? I'm tellin' ya, f(bleep)in' much.
Vladimir: Sure, Vinnie, sure.
(Annie Finn and Mike the Cowboy show up together. Mike is dressed totally in Western wear, with snakeskin boots.)
Annie: Wow. Nice crib.
Mike: (with Russian accent) Howdy, folks. I'm Mike, the Cowboy.
Annie: Yo. I'm Annie Finn.
Max: Max Payne.
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.
Vinnie: Vinnie Gognitti.
Winterson: How was your trip, guys?
Annie: It was a'right. Straight trippin'.
Mike: I liked it a lot. We got a nice limo, and all the beef jerky we could eat.
Annie: (confessional) That Mike dude got on my nerves. We shared a limo. Every time I wanted to listen to the hip-hop and R&B stations, Mike kept changing it to Country & Western. I don't wanna listen to that redneck crap.
Max: So Mike, where did you get that hat? It's interesting, like an oversized balloon in a one-float parade the day after Thanksgiving.
Mike: Oh, thank you. I buy it here in city. I love Western clothes, Country music, cowboy hats, cowboy boots. It's all so. American.
(Mona Sax enters, dressed in a skimpy top and tight jeans.)
Max: Oh, uh, hello.
Mona: Hi. I'm Mona.
All the guys: Hi Mona!
Mona: (giggles a bit) Hello.
Max: Max Payne.
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.
Vinnie: Vinnie Gognitti.
Mike: I'm Mike.
Mona: Nice to meet you guys.
(Annie & Winterson, confessional)
Annie: That girl Mona.. S(bleep)t, what a little hoochie.
Winterson: For real, girl. I say put some clothes on.
(Meanwhile, back at the house)
Mona: Oh, I didn't get your names yet. I'm Mona Sax.
Annie: Yo, Annie Finn.
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.
Mona: (confessional) These guys seem really cool, ya know. I think we're gonna have a lot of fun together.
Mike: (confessional) I like Mona. I wonder if she likes cowboys. I give her horsie ride all night long.
Vinnie: (confessional) Wow, that Mona chick looks good enough to eat. I'm definitely gonna hook up wit' 'er. She's gonna love my Captain Baseball Bat Boy collection, especially my Captain Baseball Bat Boy sheets.
Vladimir: (confessional) Mona Sax? Oh yes, I would f(bleep)k her.
Max: (confessional) Mona is beautiful alright, in a bad-girl sort of way. She's the demon that drags you to hell with a chain of beauty that you never want to break free from.
Max: So, who's gonna room with who?
Mona: I'm open.
(All the guys' eyes light up)
Winterson: Vlad, you're rooming with me.
Vladimir: (a little irritated) Ohhh, all right.
(Winterson smiles cockily at Mona)
Vinnie: Hey Mona, I'll room wit' you.
Mona: Thanks, Vinnie, but I think I'm gonna room with Max. Oh, uh, if that's okay with you, Max.
Max: Yes!! I mean, uhh, I guess it'll be okay.
Vinnie: Well, then, I guess the third room goes to me, Mike, and Annie. So, Annie, you like Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff? Cause I got a bunch of it.
Annie: (half-heartedly) Super.
Mike: All right, the three of us all together. We have fun together. We line-dance all night.
Annie: (confessional) Great. I gotta share my part of da crib with the two most annoying guys here.
(later that evening)
Vladimir: So, what does everyone want to do this evening?
Mona: Hey, let's all go clubbing.
Max: Sounds good.
Winterson: That's fine, I guess.
Annie: A'right.
Vinnie: Yeah, sure, I'll go.
Mike: Let's giddy up!
(We see the whole gang at a club. 50 Cent's "In Da Club" is playing in the background. We see Max, Mona, Vladimir, Winterson, Annie, and Vinnie dancing in one group, while Mike is sitting at a nearby table watching.)
Mike: (confessional) I didn't want to ditch the rest of the group, but I don't know how to dance hip-hop. It's not even my music. I was just waiting for some Country & Western music to line-dance to.
(Meanwhile, Max moves in and presses up against Mona. Vladimir tries to move in closer to Mona as well, but Winterson moves in and cuts him off.)
Mona: (confessional) I don't get it. Every time Vlad tries to give me attention, Winterson's always there to get in between him. It's like she doesn't want him near me. What's up with that?
Winterson: (confessional) That slut ain't getting anywhere near my man. I'll make damn sure of that.
(We now see the gang seated at the table, having drinks.)
Mona: So, is everyone having fun?
Vladimir: Yes. Thanks for recommending this place.
Max: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Mike: It's okay, but I wish they'd play some Country music.
(everyone else's eyes roll)
Mona: Well, if you wanna hear it so bad, go request a song. Maybe the DJ can hook you up.
Vinnie: I'm lovin' it here. What about you, Annie?
Annie: Yeah, it's pretty tight. Hey, where'd Mike go?
(We see Mike handing a small slip of paper to the DJ. A few minutes later, "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis begins to play, amidst booing from most of the club patrons, who walk off the dance floor.)
Mike: Hey Annie, want to dance?
Annie: I don't know how to two-step.
Mike: Come on, I show you. It fun.
Annie: Ohhh, a'right.
(Mike leads Annie out onto the dance floor and shows her how to two-step. She's a little clumsy at first, but she soon gets the hang of it. Mike is looking into her eyes while they dance, and Annie cracks a smile.)
Annie: (confessional) I gotta admit, for what he does, Mike's a pretty good dancer. I actually had fun two-stepping. Plus, Mike did look pretty fly in that cowboy gear.
Annie: Y'know, this is pretty good music to dance to.
Mike: Really? I told you you'd like it. We can listen to more later at the house.
Annie: Okay, sure.
(a few minutes later, after the song finishes..)
Mona: Well, I'm ready to head back to the house. How about you guys?
Max: Sure. We're gonna have a busy day tomorrow.
Winterson: Sounds good. Let's go, Vlad.
Vinnie: All right. Hey Annie, I can show you my Captain Baseball Bat Boy trading cards.
Annie: Thanks, Vinnie, but Mike and I gonna listen to some of his tunes.
Vinnie: (dejectedly) Oh, uhhh, okay.
Vinnie: (confessional) Ah, dammit. I'm losing Annie to that Russian wannabe hillbilly. This freakin' sucks. Well, I'm gonna hook up wit' somebody on this trip, and that cowboy ain't gettin' in my way.
MTV Announcer: On next week's episode of "The Real World". the gang goes skydiving. Winterson takes it up a notch. and Vinnie Gognitti a rapper? Stay tuned.
So, like it? Hate it? Have any suggestions? Then please, submit a review. I'd love to read it.
More will in fact be coming, so stay tuned..