A.N. This is way different than what I usually write for Heroes. It actually contains a pinch of crack. ^^ I was inspired by Emma calling Peter with her cello, and the Pass/Fail promo. Spoilers through Close To You (episode 4.15).
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
A gavel pounded on the long wooden conference table, and the women around it fell silent.
"Thank you," said Tracy Strauss, the Keeper of the Gavel. "Alright, you know why we're here. After last week's episode, Close To You, it was decided that all the women of Heroes should hold a meeting. The reason for this was Emma-"
"Hello, everybody," Emma said, waving to the others sitting around the table. They waved back.
Tracy cleared her throat. "Yes, Emma's cello seduction technique-"
"What are you talking about? That wasn't seduction," Emma protested. "I was just practicing."
"By calling Peter?" Monica said pointedly. Caitlyn and Simone glared at Emma from across the table.
"He's my only friend who knows about my power!"
"Whatever," Tracy said. "This meeting was called because of her genius strategy. We're going to discuss ways we can do the same to improve our own love lives. I ask you to put rivalries aside temporarily so we can focus on benefiting womenkind."
"Is that a word?" Candice asked.
"Doesn't matter. Who wants to go first?"
Charlie raised her hand from her seat between Eden and Lydia. "I think people shouldn't worry about all this 'technique' and 'strategy.' You don't always need a boyfriend. Just wait 'til you find somebody who likes you for who you really are, and-"
The red-haired waitress was cut off by a papaya being thrown at her face. More fruity projectiles followed, along with Boos and Hisses, and Charlie was forced to hide behind her chair.
"Order! ORDER!" yelled Tracy, banging the gavel. "Just because her and Hiro make such a sickeningly adorable couple doesn't give you the excuse to throw fruit! Charlie, don't talk. For your own safety."
Before Tracy could ask for another volunteer, Claire Bennet entered the conference room with Gretchen close behind her.
"Hi, guys," the cheerleader said. "Why are you all in here?"
"We're having a meeting," Niki said.
"Oh, I must have missed the email. What are we talking about?" Claire asked.
"You weren't invited," said Elle.
"What? Why not? Who decided this?"
"We voted," Elle said smugly.
"Why did you even need to have a vote?" Claire exclaimed. "And why did you vote against me?"
Tracy sighed. "The purpose of this meeting is to discuss female-to-male attraction strategy. Since part of your storyline this season is you being a semi-lesbian, you wouldn't have anything to contribute. Also, what happened in the Pass/Fail promo really pissed some people off, and two of said people are guilty of multiple homicide."
"What are you talking about? What promo?" Claire asked. She was sure this must be a joke. Her smile faded when she noticed a few murderous looks directed at her. "Okay, seriously. What did I do?"
The atmosphere of the room was such that you could cut it with a large knife, eat it, and then get botulism and die a week later.
Tracy broke the silence. (She was Keeper of the Gavel, after all.) "Claire," she said, "You should probably leave. Gretchen, you can stay."
"Awesome," said Gretchen. She took the empty seat next to Maya.
"No fair!" Claire protested. "Gretchen gets to stay and I get death glares? I don't even know what I did!"
Candice threw a pineapple in the general direction of Claire's stomach. The cheerleader dodged it only to be hit from all angles by pears, peaches, pomegranates, and plums. Indestructible though she was, Claire knew there was only so much of this she could take. She had to get some answers before it was too late. "Quit it! Come on, you guys! What happened in the promo? Somebody tell me what happened in the promo!"
Jessica got up from the table and slammed the double doors in Claire's face. She proceeded to use her super strength to twist her handy dandy Staff of Saruman to block the door handles, so no one could use the door from the outside. Not very people could use the door from the inside either, but if there wasn't an eclipse during the meeting things would probably work out okay.
Claire's muffled voice could still be heard from outside the door yelling, "What happened? Gretchen, tell me what happened! Somebody tell me! Guys? Guys?!"
"Let's continue," said Tracy.
Niki (Jessica had decided not to stick around) said, "Well, I think-"
"Hey," interrupted Elle, "Weren't you an internet stripper?"
Niki blushed. "Um, kind of. For a while. Yeah."
"Then you shouldn't get a say in this," Eden scoffed. "This isn't HBO. We have to keep it TV-14."
"They showed me stripping in the premier!" Niki exclaimed. "Besides, didn't your graphic novel backstory say you were a hooker?"
"It was implied!" Eden protested.
"Was not! You're out too!" Candice said.
Elle laughed. "And you're not? The graphic novels and the show have given you a pretty interesting rep."
"Oh yeah?" Candice said. "What about your 'thing' with Adam? He's like three hundred and eighty years older than you!"
"The show only briefly mentions that! Some people don't even accept it as canon!"
"Then clearly the writers were never part of the Company grapevine," Candice said, sneering.
Tracy banged her gavel. "Order! Okay, as... colorful as your backgrounds may be, it doesn't matter because all four of you are dead."
There was a collective gasp.
"Yeah, I said it," Tracy said, staring defiantly at her fellow Heroes women. "Niki, Eden, Candice, Elle - you're all dead! So are you, Simone. Monica and Maya, you both got written out. Caitlyn, you're trapped in a future that doesn't exist, so you're sort of a weird combination of dead and written out. Charlie, nobody knows when or where the heck you are. Gretchen has a crush on Claire. Only me, Lydia, and Emma can use this information to any real effect."
"What about me?" Lauren asked.
"Um... I don't really know what to think about you. You aren't written all that great, you aren't acted very well, most people don't like you, and a lot of them thought you were a carnival spy."
"So?"
Before Tracy could think of an answer, Vanessa spoke up. "What about me?"
"She's only been in one episode," Lauren pointed out.
"And I'd rather know how to repel Samuel than attract him," Vanessa added.
"Huh," Tracy said eloquently. "I guess you can leave, then."
"Question," said Elle. "Where exactly was your rant going?"
"I can't remember."
Lydia sighed. "Let's just continue with the meeting."
Tracy nodded. "Who's next?"
Two hours later, the women exited the conference room armed with the knowledge of many cute, awesome, and scary ways to attract the opposite sex. They then made their way to the writer's room to make some very important changes to the show, for the good of all fans and characters.
A.N. Hope you enjoyed it! Please review!