Oh no. Not again.
The signs were all there: the 'accidental' touches, the small smiles, and somehow always ending up sitting next to each other, even when there's a large group of people to get in the way. It was this way every time, and I'm not sure if I could take it again.
She had told me the last time that I was too passive for her, or something like that. It was a different reason the time before that. My more cynical side wonders what the reason will be this time, because even though I knew that's how it will end, I still want to try.
That's the thing about people. They always hang onto hope, that small chance that this time it will go the way they want. They try and they try, but every time it turns out the same.
Someone told me once that trying the same thing and expecting different results was insanity. I can only laugh as the thought crosses my mind. I'm a perfect example.
I feel like I'm outside of my own body, watching as I let her lead me down the road to ruin. I want to stop, but every cell in my body, every piece of my soul wants her. So I go willingly despite my own reasonable protests.
So instead, I try to telepathically send messages to her. Go easy on me.
But she's never been satisfied before. Why start now?
It's sickening, this act. We pretend everything is ok, that we are perfectly fine being friends, but I know for a fact that I'm not. And she can't seem to make up her mind either way. Sometimes I think she gets some kind of disturbing satisfaction from breaking my heart over and over again, eating my heart one piece at a time. Sometimes I look at that smile and I see a predator's snarl.
She's drinking, as usual, and we're at a party. A New Year's party, to be exact, at the Inn. People are starting to leave, probably going to Mother's Hill to watch the first sunrise of the New Year. She looks at me after downing another beer, grinning.
Before everyone can leave, she puts on her coat, as do I, and she grabs my hand, leading me outside.
But we aren't going to Mother's Hill, and I know it. The question is whether or not I should think this is a good thing.
At this rate, I won't be sleeping tonight. I'll be lucky if I get out with my heart intact.
The me that is watching all of this happen, unable to reach either party, is screaming for me to stop. Can't I see that it's happening again?
Soon we're in her room, isolated in the back of her house. Her smell is everywhere, the smell that I know all too well and that draws me closer, like a fly to a Venus flytrap. I hear the familiar sound of the lock clicking, and for a fleeting moment I feel like the jaws have shut on me, and I'm trapped.
Now all that is left for me is to drown in that sweet smell.
She drags me to the bed, and I feel the hormones buzzing through me like angry hornets, clouding my judgment even more. My body screams for her, out of my control.
My more reasonable side is screaming, trying to get away and hiding from the catastrophe that is about to occur. The only problem with that is, now there's nothing stopping me. The logical part of me is gone, nowhere to be found. That only leaves the animal.
As always, the second I start acting aggressive she starts having second guesses. Our positions have switched now: her animal is hiding, her reason has taken over.
But I won't be denied. I'm here now. This is what she wants.
I think I see a small, devilish smile. I've fallen for it again. She's managed to lure me in even farther. She sure knows how to seduce a man, giving the illusion of dominance when in fact she's the one in charge.
She slides my glasses off, setting them on her night stand. She thinks I look better without them, so that's always what she does first. It won't be long now. The animal is getting what it wants.
I sure as hell am not sleeping tonight.
It's like some ritual, primal and bestial. If it's true that she feeds on this, I'm ready to let her take a bite, as long as it keeps her coming back for more.
Now it's over, and I attempt to hold her close, but she's done with me now. She got what she wanted. I look at her, the first few rays of light fighting to make it in through the window. Her family will be back soon, and that means I can't be here. But I'm not ready to leave yet. I see her steal a glance at me; she wants me to go. She's noticed the time, too.
We lay there for a few long minutes, listening to the birds chirping outside. I faintly hear reason talking to me again, chastising me for being foolish. The flytrap has me. I didn't learn the first time, or even the second time.
Cynically, I think I more closely resemble a black widow.
I know she cares about me. She never does this to other guys. They've seen it happen to me, and they learn from watching. But that's not why I think that is. I think she does love me, just as I love her. I think she's just afraid to face it.
My resolve solidifies. I have to figure this out now. We did this to ourselves, putting ourselves in some sort of limbo between friends and lovers.
Doesn't she understand that I'll always be here for her? I'm a steady man. I can take care of her. She doesn't need to be afraid.
We talk for a while, at times getting emotional. I'm not in any rush; it doesn't matter to me anymore if her parents know I'm here. Even if I leave, I would normally be getting up at this time anyway. I have work to do when I get back. And even after the day has ended, if this conversation doesn't end the way I want it to, I won't be able to sleep then either. The thought of it constricts what's left of my heart. This is killing me.
I want more. I've always wanted more. I'll never be able to get enough of her; her smile, her touch, her laughter. I want to grow old with her, and I'm letting her know. After I finish telling her, she won't look at me. What's she waiting for? My heart drops, expecting the worst. It's relocating, no matter what her answer is. I'm giving it to her; she can accept it, or she can rip it to shreds. I wait anxiously for her to answer.
What is she waiting for?
I'm saying bye to my heart tonight.
Author's Note: Heh, this is a songfic for Animal by Neon Trees. I can totally imagine Rick and Karen being in a relationship like this. How she responds is totally up to you to decide.
Think of it as a New Year's fic, even though that was completely coincidental. XD
I hope you liked it, Happy New Year!