A/N: I'm very inspired from the reviews/hits I've received for my other stories – namely, EaE, that I wanted to push myself and see if I could do another totally AU fic. I'm not abandoning EaE – I just thought this could be really good for me to do on the side. Writing two stories at the same time has actually increased productivity! I'm not claiming the plot as my own – it's loosely based on a novel that I enjoyed immensely – and I definitely recommend reading it. It's one of those novels that you just stumble upon and then you read it and you're like, "What on earth! This kicked ass!"
A/N: I do not own Glee or A Place of Forgetting by Carolyn J. Rose.
Rachel Berry stood up when Santana Lopez sauntered in, heavily intoxicated – interrupting temple for everyone. Santana spun right outside again, and Rachel, after receiving a sharp jab from Ms. Sylvester, left services to find the wild girl. The moment she stepped outside, she felt someone grab her hand roughly.
"Dance with meeeeeee!" Santana shrieked in her broom skirt and pleather sandals, throwing her arms wantonly in the air and singing the Beatles' catchy, yet slightly irritating well-known number "Yellow Submarine". The setting sun caught the light of Santana's ring resting on the most important finger of her left hand. That glistening sparkle drove an extra wedge in Rachel's already heavy heart. Rachel sighed heavily before grasping that hand and leading her home…to the Hudsons. Bitterly, she handed her off to Carole, receiving a look full of pity in return. Rachel bravely gave her signature smile, the one she'd perfected ever since she was five years old, and entered her own home next door.
She ignored her father's incessant ramble about Santana's display and escaped to her bedroom where she pulled out a worn, folded piece of paper.
"It's your own star."
"You named a star after me?" Rachel's eyes flickered to her best friend, deeply touched at the gesture.
"No. I-uh-I thought about that. But then I named it Finn Hudson. Because there's already a star named Rachel Berry, and she's right here on earth and brighter than any of those stars up there. So I just wanted to make sure that whenever she feels lonely, she can look up in the sky, and no matter where I am, she can know that I'm looking down on her."
"Finn, I don't know if I can let you go. You can't go. You can't leave me here. " Rachel furiously wiped away the steady stream of tears tracking down her cheeks.
"That's kind of the whole point of the star, Rach. I will never leave you. But – my country needs me. I didn't ask for it, but it would be a dishonor for me to escape it. Even though that's the first thing I wanted to do when I found out about the draft – escape with you to Canada. Maybe Vancouver or something."
"You're too good, Finn. Don't let war change you. Please. I love you too much for that to happen."
Finn stroked Rachel's cheek, lovingly. "Oh, sweetheart. I love you, too. And I will come back for you one day. But for now, you have your star." He gave her a lingering kiss on her forehead and folded her into his arms.
It had taken her days to locate her star after he left for Vietnam. She was given the location with her certificate, and she studied an old astronomy book to pinpoint exactly where that star was. Sometimes, on especially lonely nights, either her mind was playing cruel tricks with her, or her star shone exceptionally brighter. That is, until Santana made herself known. Then her star all but disappeared in the gloomy night sky.
Finn and Rachel had been next door neighbors ever since before she could remember. She had moved into the house with her dads at the tender age of six, and the very next day, in a very pink dress, she approached her new neighbor, who was playing in his yard, and asked if he wanted to play Movie Star with her. The premise of the game was to walk arm-and-arm across the yard and wave to the adoring and imaginary paparazzi. Finn couldn't think of anything "more stupider" and promptly pushed her to the ground and escaped to his house. When his mom found out what happened, she pushed him outside to apologize to a crying Rachel. He begrudgingly offered to play "that dumb game" and there began a beautiful kinship.
They immediately became inseparable – exploring the neighborhood, playing tag, eating her dad's homemade baked goods, lying in the grass and looking at the stars – that was Rachel's absolute favorite thing to do – stare up the night sky and point out the shiniest, brightest stars. She never hesitated to remind Finn that she would be a star one day, and her name would shine in lights far brighter than the stars in the sky. Finn would just chuckle and nudge her playfully, teasingly pulling on one of her pigtails.
Many years later, Finn sheepishly admitted to Rachel over stolen bottles of gin from her dads' liquor cabinet that he actually kind of missed playing that "lame-ass game" with her. After fits of laughter until tears sprang to her eyes, she yanked him out of his lawn chair, linked her arm in his, and they paraded around the yard reuniting with their long forgotten paparazzi that idolized them more than ever.
The older they became, the tighter their relationship. Other neighbors would tease them and beg for invites to their wedding which would cause both to blush and deflect from answering.
"Why do people say things like that? Is it impossible for a boy and a girl to remain good friends?" Fifteen year-old Rachel was sprawled out on her living room couch, feet in his lap.
"I dunno, Rach. Maybe they aren't so far off." Finn spoke quietly, eyes trained on his hands that were resting on her feet.
"W-what?" Rachel's entire body froze, "What do you mean, Finn?"
"Uh…I just – you and I – we could…" Finn's ears turned pink and he wouldn't meet her steady gaze. Rachel tentatively reached for his hand, confused by the new sensation she felt when their fingertips touched.
"Finn." She breathed his name – as if it were her first time saying it.
Finn slowly intertwined his fingers with hers and gently pulled her toward him, her feet still on his lap. He started to say something but decided his actions would speak louder as he rested his other hand on her cheek and pulled her in for her very first kiss.
Rachel gasped in surprise but hesitantly kissed him back. She was shocked to find her body knew just what to do regardless of her inexperience. The kiss was sweet and innocent, and all too soon Finn pulled away, blushing profusely and searching her gaze curiously. The implications of the kiss flew to her mind, and she immediately grew worried about what this meant for their lifelong friendship.
Finn must've seen the hesitation on her face, because he pulled completely away and stood up. "I have to go," he said hurriedly, making swift strides toward her front door.
"Finn, wait!" Rachel followed him, trying to digest what had just transpired between them.
Finn turned around and gave her his trademark half grin, "It's cool. I thought we just needed to both get our first kiss out of the way. Now we won't be so nervous to date other people. Don't worry, Rachel. Nothing's changed." He exited her house, leaving her to her own emotions.
"Everything's changed, Finn." Rachel dejectedly said to the empty doorway, "Everything."
Ever since that kiss, Rachel couldn't help but think of Finn in a different way. She appreciated his athletic physique with his protective broad shoulders and strong, muscular arms. She couldn't get his whiskey colored eyes out of her head or the way his dimples peeked out when he was really excited or happy about something. The problem was he didn't feel the same about her. He never told her that in so many words, but anytime she tried to get close to him physically – like touch his forearm or interlock their fingers or that one time when she took a chance and kissed his forehead – he would clumsily mumble something inaudible and remove himself from her. The only conclusion she could determine was that he had no interest in her in that way and her actions were only more of a turn-off.
So after a full year of suppressing her feelings for Finn, Rachel decided to date Noah Puckerman, Finn's best guy friend, and a known flirt in their high school class. Finn was angry with her new relationship, but he never told her why, and she could only assume it was because he didn't want her crashing his guy time with Noah. Despite the rumors of Noah's reputation, he treated her very well, and Rachel thought he might even have real feelings for her. They were together for a month before Noah started to try to push the boundaries of their physical relationship. She liked making out with him and even let him touch her ass at times, but that was as far she let him go.
"Us not moving any further has nothing to do with your feelings for Finn, does it?" Noah asked in a frustrated voice, moving out from under Rachel and sitting next to her on the bed. Rachel was taken aback by Noah's accusation and promptly got up, moving her hair from face, and straightening her skirt.
"Get out." Rachel's tone was deadly calm. Noah stood up and slowly moved toward her, not wanting to scare her away.
"It's cool, Rach. I've always kind of known, but I wanted to date you anyway. You're sneaky hot, ya know. And I thought us hot Jews oughtta stick together or something. If it helps, I think he's pretty into you, too." He gently grabbed her hands that made to cover her face, and Rachel saw in his eyes an adorableness and sincerity that she never realized were there all that time.
She shook her head a little sadly, "I don't think he does, Noah. And you know, I should be moving on with my life and be confident in his and my platonic relationship. I like you, Noah. I do. I uh—I think I might be ready."
Noah's grin split his face, "Really?"
Rachel hesitated and then nodded, smiling a little. "Yeah."
That same night, Rachel found herself knocking on Finn's bedroom window. It took her ten minutes to rouse him from sleep, and when she did, his unhappy expression almost caused her to bolt and forget the whole thing. She patted her pocket once more, making sure the item that was currently burning a hole through her skirt was still intact as Finn opened his window.
"Rach?" he said groggily. "Are you insane? It's almost two a.m.! Didn't you have a date with Puck?" The last question was asked bitterly, and if she didn't know him so well, she would've thought she detected jealousy in his tone. Rachel climbed through his window and sat on his bed, waiting for him to sit next to her. When he remained standing, she took a deep breath and hung her head.
"I couldn't do it," she said with frustration.
"Couldn't do what, Rach? What are you talking about?"
"It. I couldn't have sex with Noah Puckerman, my boyfriend of a month! I felt like I was about to do it with the wrong person, and I-" Rachel glanced up briefly to find Finn watching her every move. The tension between them grew thick, and she found it hard to concentrate on what she was previously rambling about when Finn looked at her like that.
"You what?" Finn asked quietly.
"I want my first time to be with you." Rachel whispered, looking away from his heated gaze. "I'm seventeen years old and still a virgin, a-and you are too, and it makes sense that we lose our virginity together."
Finn was floored, "This isn't like our first kiss, Rach. This is a big deal, especially for you – as a girl and all – and… you've thought about this, haven't you?"
In response, Rachel dug into the pocket of her skirt and pulled out a Trojan brand condom. "I brought protection. Every modern girl comes prepared, you know." She knew her attempt at bravado didn't fool him, but thankfully he said nothing about it.
"And what about Puck, huh? You just wanna have sex with me while you're still dating him?" Rachel could tell he was confused and reached out a hand to steady his pacing, coaxing him to join her on his bed.
"I would never do that, Finn. We mutually broke off our relationship. I would've liked to think that you knew me better than that." Rachel finished quietly.
"Quite honestly, Rach – I don't know what to think." Finn put an arm around her and she sunk into his embrace.
"I-is your mom here?" Rachel asked after a moment.
"Nah. She's out visiting my grandma in Toledo." Finn answered, not catching on. So when Rachel slowly undid the buttons of her blouse and let the garment slide to the floor, his jaw dropped in complete shock. All he could do was let her grab the hem of his t-shirt and help her slide it over his head, the t-shirt joining her blouse. She kicked off her sandles moved her body to fully face him. Her eyelids fluttered close when Finn threaded his hand through her hair, bringing her face to his to give her the soft kiss she had been longing for ever since their lips touched all those nights ago. She kissed him back, hungrily, and allowed his tongue to slip into her mouth, their torsos pressing together, arms enveloping each other. She let out a small moan which seemed to encourage Finn to become a bit more daring, and he started to trail kisses down to her neck, experimentally nibbling her skin.
Rachel made a move to lie back on his bed and he hovered over her, his initial qualms apparently all but forgotten in her touch. She took his hand and brought it to the side of her breast and released a small whimper when he started to explore it. His lips moved from her neck down her chest to rest on the skin in between her bra-clad breasts, and he kissed her sweetly there. She grabbed his hair a bit roughly to yank his face up so that she could look at him. He stared at her with stars in her eyes, and she almost believed he possessed feelings for her and wasn't just excited about getting a free lay.
She sat up a little to unfasten her bra, carefully gauging his reaction to her freed breasts. He gave her a questioning look and opened his mouth to say something when she proceeded to unzip her skirt and slide down her underwear, kicking both garments off. She reached for his boxers and shucked him of them, as well. She grabbed the condom that had fallen to the floor and nervously handed it to him.
Finn stared at her naked form for what seemed like years, causing her to blush from his heated, piercing gaze. He leaned in and caressed her lips with his, lying her back down, and they kissed feverishly and passionately until Finn pulled away, ripped open the condom wrapper and sheathed himself. Rachel steadied herself, preparing herself for what was to come.
Finn hovered over her, kissing her sweetly and softly. "You're beautiful," he breathed. He stared into her eyes one last time, and Rachel was sure that in the next few moments she would lose her virginity with the man she loved, thought she would be the last person to admit it. Suddenly Finn sat back on his heels, leaving her chilled from the loss of skin contact. "Rach, you're beautiful," Finn began again, "but we can't do this. You're not ready. I can tell, sweetheart."
Rachel suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable from her nakedness and sat up, furiously trying to cover herself with her arms and legs. "What do you mean I'm not ready? I'm practically throwing myself at you!" She hissed angrily, hurt and humiliated from the turn of events.
Finn reached for her hand and she recoiled from his touch as if he had burnt her. "Rach. Rachel. Look at me." When she finally met his gaze, he continued, "You deserve to have your first time be special with someone that you love and loves you back. It should happen someplace special like the Marriot or something. This shouldn't be a rash decision after failing to fuck someone else. I can't let you do this. You may say one thing, but I know you're not ready for this."
There was one part of Finn's speech that held Rachel's attention far more than the other parts. And loves you back. Who was she kidding? Regardless of what Puck said, there was the proof she needed. He didn't love her. What she saw moments ago was simply lust for a female. Not love. If they had gone through with it, she would've merely just had sex with him. Not made love.
"You're right," Rachel began in a cold whisper. "You don't love me and I certainly don't love you. Please go away so I can get dressed in private."
Finn hung his head in shame, stripping himself of the condom and disposing it, and grabbed his clothes. Before he reached the door, he turned around and found her sitting in the same position. "You know- you can sleep over like old times. I'll just sleep on the floor or something."
Rachel's eyes were shut tight, tears steadily coursing down her cheeks. "Please go away," she managed to say. The second he closed the door, she allowed herself to be overtaken by sobs. Twenty minutes later, after putting on a Beatles record and curling up on his bed fully clothed, she heard the door creak open and soft footsteps. Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, steadying her breathing, hoping to God Finn thought she was asleep. She must've fooled him, because Finn very gently lay next to her on the bed, scooping her up in his arms and pressed a kiss on her shoulder as the song "Let It Be" drifted in the silent bedroom. "I do love you, you know," he whispered to a supposed sleeping Rachel. "I'll always love you, Rachel."
Right. He'll always love her. Until he's drafted a month later and a beautiful, tanned Latina bitch comes along and everything falls to shit.
I was gonna hold out and wait to write the whole story and publish as a one-shot, but I couldn't resist! This seems like the perfect way to end this chapter, so I'm going for it. What do you guys think? Not quite as eloquent as EaE, eh? My very first time writing more intimate details…hope I didn't disappoint! I would love to hear your thoughts!