She wanted to give up. Wondered often why she hadn't yet. What was the point really, when one day followed another without any apparent distinction, blurring together in a haze of alcohol and drugs and basic lack of caring. Effy didn't know. She didn't have a good reason. She just knew that day after day she continued to wake up, staring dully at a stark white ceiling. For a second she'd stretch and yawn, because she never quite managed to get more than about four hours of sleep, and forget just for a second, that there was no point to bothering with anything. Then reality would sink in. Always. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep it at bay, so she'd reach for the bottle of vodka, replaced every other day, that was constantly by her bed these days, and took a swig, closing her eyes as the alcohol burned down her throat in a familiar and almost comforting way. It didn't matter what time it was, she simply took a drink. There was sure as hell no point in facing the day without at least a buzz.
First day back to school today, she mused, almost proud of herself for remembering. Almost. Because what was the point in pride anyway. She could skip school, she knew. Her mum hadn't known what day it was for weeks and her dad just wasn't there. No one would care. But then again, what was the point of skipping? At least school was something to do.
Her summer had been shit for weeks as she travelled with Cook, good for a grand total of thirteen days when she'd first gotten with Freddie (who she'd loved, hadn't she?), then shit again as her "relationship" with Freddie unravelled. Of course it hadn't been love. Love was a fallacy. He'd been infatuated and she'd been hopeful that for the first time in her life somebody might actually see her for her, rather than for the facade she put up. It had been ridiculous to think that though, because they'd had at best two real conversations before they'd gotten together, and Freddie didn't watch people like she did, didn't take in their nuances, their little truths that added into bigger ones that nobody else seemed to really notice, so how could Freddie have known her? How could he have loved her? He couldn't, and he hadn't.
They'd had thirteen days of amazing sex, constant little touches, goofy grins, and she'd almost believed. The first time they'd tried to have a conversation, though, everything had fallen apart. They had fuck all in common, after all.
Effy threw on some clothes. She didn't bother thinking about what exactly she was putting on. It didn't matter. All the boys would still want to fuck her regardless. She took another long swig of vodka to brace herself for looking in the mirror. She couldn't stand to see herself, dead blue eyes staring hollowly back at her. She focused instead on the eye shadow, the eyeliner, the mascara, the mask she painted on herself every day that almost made her eyes look alive. It hid her, but not enough. Not enough that she could bear to take a look at the whole picture when she was done.
Two more gulps of vodka and a cigarette constituted breakfast before she left the house to head to school, pausing briefly by the front door to put on her final mask, the small smirk that suggested to all a confidence that had long ago abandoned her. It was a mask, a shell, protecting what exactly, she didn't know. She was hollow inside. Anything worth protecting having forsaken her once and for all it seemed. Nonetheless the mask was in place. Just one more thing she wasn't sure why she bothered with and wished she'd give up on.
------------
------------
Katie cringed when she opened her eyes, the bright morning light intensifying the pain behind her eyes. Her mouth was dry and felt like it was full of cotton and her head pounded. She fumbled on her bedside table for the bottle of paracetemol, popped two on her tongue, then reached for the glass of water that she was happy she'd had the presence of mind to get herself when she'd stumbled in the night before. She glanced at her sister's bed, finding it empty. No surprise there. She'd said she was getting up early to go to Naomi's so they could walk to school together.
School. Fuck! Katie lay back and closed her eyes hoping that either her head would explode or the pain would subside as dread washed over her. It was the same dread that had propelled her out the night before, and in fact every night for the past two weeks.
Images from the night before flashed into her brain. She'd started drinking as soon as she'd gotten there, trying to keep the dread at bay, trying to forget why it was there to begin with. Five shots and an apple martini later, Matt or Mark or something had pressed a tablet of some sort into her hand as he'd whispered into her ear that she was beautiful. It had been all she'd wanted, no, needed to hear. She'd taken the pill and pulled him in for a kiss. By the time the pill kicked in, Matt/Mark was thrusting into her with long hard strokes as he'd latched sloppily onto her neck. She hadn't cared enough to make him stop before he'd left a mark. Besides, it would just show that she was still desirable, right?
Katie wondered briefly if she'd bothered making him wear a condom. Nothing she could do about it now though and there were more pressing matters at hand. Today she had to go back to school. Back to whispered rumours and pitying stares and a general feeling of humiliation. It was ironic how she'd always wanted to be special, to be something more than a face in the crowd, and now that she had it, all she wanted was some anonymity.
She'd managed to avoid Effy and Freddie and most everyone else she knew except Emily and Naomi all summer, largely by being somewhere other than Bristol. A week with her aunt and uncle in Glasgow, another two weeks staying with her older cousin in St. Andrews, another week on a family holiday to the Lake District, and even a four day trip to London with Emily and Naomi just to get away, to try to escape the real world, her real life…Her old life at least. Now she felt like an empty shell of the girl she'd been before, filled only with weakness and dread.
"Get your fat arse up! Mum says you've got to make me my packed lunch!" James yelled, bursting into the bedroom. If anything, her brother had become even more insufferable over the summer.
The pounding in Katie's head let her know that it would be a bad idea to get up to kick his ass, so she settled for throwing a pillow at him. "Fuck off!"
"Fine, but you still have to make my packed lunch, bitch!" James informed her before quickly closing the door behind him in case his sister found something else to throw at him. Katie groaned as she sat up again and checked the time. She sighed as her sense of dread deepened. What's the point, she wondered as she climbed out of bed and crossed to the closet rummaging around for an inconspicuous outfit for once. She may as well give up now, she knew, because nobody would really let her forget all that had happened. Nobody would really let her escape her own life.
------------
------------
Freddie stalked past, clearly making a point of ignoring her. She knew that she should probably care. If she was normal she should care, right? But she couldn't.
She could, however, clearly feel the alcohol pulsing through her veins. It helped her keep her mask in place.
The feeling was short lived however when she caught sight of a familiar flash of red hair and suddenly the first real emotion that she'd felt in months pounced on her. Guilt flooded through her, and she was struck by what a stupid emotion it was because feeling guilty about something didn't change that it had happened. It wasn't like she could take anything back. That knowledge made her sense of guilt no less acute and she was suddenly quite glad she'd put the rest of the bottle of vodka in her bag.
It only took her a minute to figure out that the redhead she'd seen was Emily, not Katie, but the damage had already been done. She slipped outside, took several gulps of vodka, before sliding it back into her bag, and lit up a cigarette, inhaling deeply and closing her eyes as she felt her buzz intensify. Opening her eyes again was a mistake. The guilt seemed even more intense now that she was actually staring at Katie. The girl had dyed her hair over the summer, and the new browner, darker colour quite suited her. The almost timid and clearly nervous expression on her face did not. Effy knew that she was in large part responsible for Katie's nervousness, and that knowledge twisted in her gut worse than anything else.
Effy saw the inevitable pointing and staring start. She felt the second emotion she'd felt in weeks flood through her as anger overwhelmed her guilt. Who were they to judge? None of them mattered, so what gave them the right? In a year they'd have scattered, forgotten. Maybe if they weren't so quick to judge, maybe if they watched rather than talked, they'd know more, they'd be better.
Effy knew that Katie hadn't seen her yet, and she found herself actually caring that Katie doing so would probably make the girl upset, so she decided to ignore her anger for now. As she took one last swig of vodka, she considered ignoring it forever. It wouldn't be the first emotion she'd ignored and probably wouldn't be the last either.
It startled her that she cared at all. She had grown so used to her numb little cocoon that it was strange to feel something so acutely. She had little time to ponder that fact as Pandora approached her tentatively then began to babble nervously. Their relationship had been strained at best since Gobbler's End, but it seemed that the blonde was hoping for a fresh start. It was easy to be quiet around Pandora, easy to observe others without being obvious about it, easy to keep her mask intact. For this reason more than that she wanted the company, she shot Pandora a fake half-smile, that Pandora clearly took as genuine. As the still babbling girl fell into step beside her, Effy was taken back briefly to the start of the previous year. It was much the same and yet so different. For starters she'd been sober that day. She hadn't been on the verge of giving up. She had still considered that there might potentially be a point to things, be hope in the world, be hope in her world specifically. She balked at the naïveté of it now. She'd thought herself something special back then, her smug mask, had been easier to keep on because she had been smug to an extent. The boys had all wanted her. She'd seen it in their eyes. They still did, but she was indifferent now, only flashing them a seductive smile or running her tongue along her lips in a way she knew would get them hard in a second because it gave her something to do, something to pass the time. The inevitable, continuous time that kept marching forward no matter how much vodka Effy had consumed. The time that Effy felt like she was drowning in. The time she wanted to give up on.
-------------
-------------
Putting off getting to class until the last minute had turned out to be a horrible idea because now all of the people she'd wanted to avoid were staring back at her, a sea of faces. All of the attention that she'd hoped to deter now clearly focused on her. She heard the mumble of "rock" from somewhere to her right and she began to feel the room closing in around her. The words "gay sister" and "fight" drifted to her from her left, and suddenly the air felt thinner, like it somehow didn't contain enough oxygen. At the name "Effy" pain seared through her chest.
"Excuse me, Miss?" Katie approached the teacher.
"Name?" the teacher replied without looking up from her desk.
"Katie. Katie Fitch," Katie replied.
"What can I do for you, Miss Fitch?"
"I'm not feeling well. I was wondering if I could have a lie down at the nurse's office?" Katie suggested hopefully. She needed to escape. Escape this classroom, escape reality.
The teacher examined her for a second, managing somehow to look down her nose at Katie despite being seated. "You do look a bit pale. Go ahead," the woman conceded after a second.
Katie exhaled only once she'd exited the classroom, felt her chest slowly relax as she breathed in deeply. She was cowardly to run, she knew she was. It would only serve to fuel the rumours. She couldn't take it though. Couldn't stand it.