It's a Wonderful Life, Mizuno Ami

Ami is alone on Christmas eve. Her guardian angel pays her a visit.

Warning: POV depiction of suicidal thoughts
Suicide prevention hotlines and distress centers are a thing. They are a very good and helpful thing.
If you are having a crisis, please, please do yourself a favour and give them a call/email/text/whatever. In the moment, having someone to talk to/distract you can make a difference.

A.N.
Hello again dear readers. *points at disclaimer above*. It is a commonly held myth that suicide rates increase over the holiday season. Statistics (for North America) show this to be false. However, while suicide rates do not increase over the holiday season, depression rates do (citation: Canadian Mental Health Association). That is what today's story is about.

That and it's a loose adaptation/smash up of the classic 1946 Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" with Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol".

This is an Ami-centric fic is set between my other stories "In the Darkness She Found Herself: Ami's Story" and "Walking Towards Light: Ami Redux". Those of you out there who are familiar with my headcanon cinematic universe know just how rough things are for Ami at the moment (Thank you for reading btw! - Cheers!).

To quickly summarize the 50k words of backstory:

Ami has cut ties with the Senshi and run away to Berlin for medical school after a battle that resulted in the death of her mother. This story is set at some point during her time away from Tokyo. The Senshi in this story are apx 19-22 years old.

Stave One : The Night Before Christmas

The streets were quiet. At 2 am on Christmas morning, everyone had someplace to be.

Ami stood on the bridge, staring down into the river below. This was where she had to be. There was something about the water that drew her.

It was the sound perhaps. The constant murmur of the current was a distraction from the non-stop staccato beat in her head.

-too slow-stupid-no choice-no mercy-no other way-too late-can't change-too much-my fault-can't stop-can't stop-

Maybe it as the movement. The river was in a constant state of flux. The icebreakers had been through earlier and did their work well. Shattered chunks of ice bobbled about in the current. One particularly large shard circled, caught in a nook in the abutment, before it too ground apart and drifted downstream. Ami watched it go jealously. It was hypnotic. She could watch for hours. Sometimes, she did. Outside of studying, she really didn't have anything better to do with her life. Being in medical school gave her plenty of excuses to be studying like a woman possessed... and in a way she was. The order of books and data helped to keep the chaos at bay.

Unfortunately, the semester on hold for the holidays. Ami had no reasons to not be here, standing on a bridge over a frozen river. Besides, Ami knew the truth. It wasn't the sound or the view that brought her here. It was the depths.

The call of the void.

The water beneath the ice was black as sin. Ami didn't know how deep the river was, but it was deep enough. It wouldn't even hurt. It couldn't. Not any more. She was already made of ice. It would be quiet under the water. Peaceful. Calm. Simple. No one would ever know.

Ami stared down at the River Spree. The urge to jump pounded through her head. That one singular thought shot through her nerves and into her blood - through her flesh and bones into every corner of her mind. There was no escape. It was going to be a long night. Ami closed her eyes, willing time to keep passing. One step, that's all it would take.

-my fault-cold-killer-ice-stop-please-can't stop-help...

"Hi Ami-chan!"

What the hell?

Ami's head snapped up at the sudden greeting. There was a girl standing next to her. Mid twenties. The blonde hair, blue eyes, boring nondescript outfit. There was nothing to distinguish her from the thousands of other girls she'd seen around Berlin - except that this person knew her name.

Who the fuck was this girl?

Ami blinked. The girl was still there when she opened her eyes again.

There were many possible causes for visual and auditory hallucinations. The empty flask of cheap vodka in her pocket was the most likely one. Ami wondered if tonight was the night that she'd finally lost her mind. She could have sworn that she was alone on the bridge. She was distracted, sure, but she hadn't heard any footsteps. It had been a long time since that anyone was able to sneak up on her without her notice.

The girl had materialized out of thin air.

"Was zum Teufel?" Ami stared at the stranger through blurry eyes. It was difficult to focus. The girl was too bright somehow. "Wer sind Sie?"

"Hello. I'm your guardian angel."

Ami scoffed. "Und Ich bin ein ungeheuren Ungeziefer. Verpiss dich!" This was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. If this was some kind of weird holiday prank or tradition, she wanted no part in it.

"No. Please believe me. I'm your guardian angel."

Guardian. Angel.

This was ridiculous.

Was it a trick of the light, or did the crazy girl standing before her of her have wings? The space immediately behind her shimmered as if reality was being passed though a gossamer veil.

Ami gawked openly. This wasn't happening. She blinked again. Hard.

The distortion vanished. It must have been her imagination.

Then, belatedly, it filtered into her alcohol-fuddled brain that she had been addressed in Japanese. Ami's brow furrowed, unable to process why that seemed significant. Either way, she decided to respond in kind. None of this made sense and she was past the point of caring anyways.

"In case you didn't understand the first time, I'll say it again: Fuck off. Leave me alone."

"Never. I told you. I'm your guardian angel. You're never alone Ami-chan."

"Stop calling me that." Ami's jaw clenched involuntarily. "That's not who I am."

"I'm sorry "Dr. Anderson", but you'll always be Ami-chan to me." The girl went on like Ami hadn't tried to interrupt. "I'm here for you Ami-chan."

Ami growled at being ignored, but she stopped herself before she asked "why". There was no point in arguing with her own insanity. Instead, she turned and began to stumble her way off the bridge. To her chagrin, the girl followed right behind her.

Were hallucinations a normal symptom of hypothermia? Ami couldn't remember offhand, but that sounded right. It was snowing, and she'd been out here for god knows how long. Her brain must be starting to shut down. At least that's what she hoped. She was quickly running out of ways to explain this ghost that was now haunting her. Ami walked faster, trying get away from her own demented fantasies. It was difficult, the -

DAMMIT!

The ground was slick with ice. Ami lost her footing. The cobblestones rushed up and smacked her with a good hard dose of reality.

"Oh my gosh! Are you ok?" The strange girl was still right there beside her. Her blue eyes shimmered bluer than blue.

Maybe this girl really was an angel...

Ami jerked back, turning her face away from the love and concern radiating from the girl. A wave of nausea made her regret the action instantly. Spots flickered in her vision, making it difficult to be sure, but there appeared to be only one set of footprints in the fresh snow leading off the bridge.

That can't be right...

"Why are you still here? If I'm dying, then at least let me die in peace."

"You're not dying Ami-chan. It's Christmas eve. I don't want you to be alone."

"I am alone right now. You're not real. Remember?"

"You're not alone."

"Go away. I deserve this. What do you care anyways? If you really are my guardian angel, then where the hell have you been? Would have been nice of you to show up before say...I don't know...before I killed my mother?" Ami didn't want to keep this conversation going, but the bitterness inside welled up and spilled forth. "Gods, I wish I was never born."

The "guardian angel" finally had nothing to say. The pained look on her face was delicious. Something about all this clicked in Ami's mind. "Wait! I think I've seen this movie!" She burst out laughing. The punchline of the night was staring right at her. "Is this the part where you're supposed to show me some alternate timeline where everything is horrible because I never existed? Bring it on. I dare you. Roll the clip. You're here to inspire me to keep on living right?" Ami was laughing so hard that she couldn't breathe. Tears streamed down her face. "Hate to break it to you but you're wasting your time. I hurt people. That's what I do. It's who I am."

The hallucination reached out as if it wanted to draw her in for a hug before stopping itself. Ami found herself wondering if her head trip extended to tactile sensations. Any minute now, she was going to start feeling bugs crawling under her skin or something.

"There's nothing to show you" The girl said simply. "Without you, the world ended when Queen Beryl won. Metaria killed everyone and everything. All light was extinguished and the universe became pitch black. There is literally nothing to show you."

Hearing Metaria's name brought everything else to a full stop. "So without me, the bitch wins." Ami nodded. "Fair enough. Looks like I was born for a reason after all. I can live with that."

"Ami-chan. No. This isn't living."

"For fucks sake, what more do you want? Isn't this good enough for you? I've got nothing left."

"That's not true. Can I show you something?"

"Do whatever." Ami shrugged and flopped back into the snow. There was no point in getting up. "It's not like I have some place to be. I don't have any say in the matter anyways. You're still here aren't you?."

She lay on the ground where she fell. The cold of the sidewalk seeped into her body. Ami welcomed the numbness. It was oddly comfortable here. She stared up into the sky. Infinity arched over her crystal clear. Black upon black. It called to her.

Wasn't it snowing earlier? Ami couldn't remember. Her eyes gradually focused. Light scattered the emptiness. Stars twinkled far away and unreachable. And there, brighter than the rest, was a silver crescent moon.

Her heart cried out for something she didn't understand.

The girl reached down, another light in the darkness.

"Take my hand."

Ami did so, seized by a sudden yearning. She grasped at the offered. She flailed at it - once, twice, thrice - before managing to catch the girl's fingers with her own.

She was tired. So tired.

The girl pulled her up. Up, up and away.

The world fell behind as they soared into the stars.

Stave two : Christmas Past

So she was dead. Or dying. Either/or worked.

There was no other explanation for seeing her life flash before her eyes. Funny how this didn't happen the last time.

"Do you know where we are Ami-chan?"

Ami looked around the room. She was standing in the living room of her childhood home. A lone Christmas tree stood in the corner. There were no other decorations. Ami didn't expect to see any. Her father had been the one who went all out for the holidays. Her mother didn't really have time for such things.

There were banging and clanging noises coming from the kitchen. Curse her memory. Ami knew exactly where she was – and when.

"We're in Kyoto. In my old house, first Christmas after the divorce. Why are we here?"

"I don't know. Your heart chose this memory. There must be something here that you need."

Ami snorted at that useless non-answer. She took a swat at the Christmas tree. Her hand passed right through branches and ornaments alike. Strange, but not unexpected.

"Well would you look at that? I'm a ghost!" Ami gave a harsh laugh. "Goddammit. I suppose this makes you the Ghost of Christmas Past as well as being my 'guardian angel'. Wow, I never realized my imagination was so derivative."

"Shh." The girl pointed to the light in the other room. "Over there. Something's happening."

They made their way to the kitchen. Ami stopped dead in the doorway. She remembered this moment. She knew what was coming next. She heard the words in her memory before she heard them spoken out loud.

"Ami, honey, are you alright?"

She had wished for this every single day, but still she wasn't ready to hear her mother's voice once more.

It was a shock. A sword of ice. Pressure on her chest. Blood, hot on her hands. Dead weight. Suffocating. Choking. Gasping. Can't breathe.

Can't breathe.

Ami gasped for air. She couldn't get enough. Why was she torturing herself like this? Why was she dreaming about times long past?

"Ami-love. It's ok. Tell me what's wrong?"

Her mother spoke again. If she didn't know better, Ami could close her eyes and pretend that her mother was speaking to her once last time. She wanted to answer. To throw herself at her mother's feet and beg for forgiveness. She wanted to say something. To apologize. Anything, but she couldn't form the words.

Not that it mattered. She wasn't really here. Her mother couldn't hear her regardless.

It was her 8 year old self was the one who answered. The bygone ghost of a ghost.

"I'm sorry." Her younger self sniffled. "I miss Papa."

Ami glared down at the child who would grow up to be her. Her heart hammered, every beat a paradox of highest absurdity. She stepped forward, eyes blind to everything but herself. Her hands rose of their own accord.

And then nothing.

A cool calm washed over her, dousing the red.

Her mysterious companion laid a hand on her shoulder and pulled her back gently.

"It's ok Ami-chan." The girl hugged her, without hesitation this time. "Let it go."

Ami stood still, neither accepting or denying the comfort.

They watched together as the younger Ami sniffled again. She remained hard at work, stamping out stars and circles in her sheet of cookie dough with a ferocity only a child could manage.

As if being busy would be enough to drive her tears away. Was she ever so innocent?

Ami turned to her spirit guide, desperate to get away from herself for a moment. The girl merely offered a sad smile and gestured for Ami to keep watching the scene before her.

Ami watched her mother watching her younger self. The look of understanding on her mother's face was something she had seen thousands of times, but never from an outside perspective. Her mother always knew more than she let on. It was so obvious now. How had she never noticed?

"I know you miss him." Her mother dusted her hands off and set her rolling pin aside. "It's ok. He still loves you. We both do."

"I know." Little Ami wiped her eyes on her sleeve, hiding her tears like that would make everything alright again. "I was just remembering about last Christmas when we went skating. I'll stop now. It's probably easier to not think about it anymore."

"No Ami-chan. Don't stop remembering the good times. Even though he can't be here right now, the love you remember is real. That will never fade away. Even if you have to say goodbye to someone, you'll always be able to keep those happy moments you've shared with them. Your hearts will always be connected. That's why you must never give up thinking about the good. Promise me that you won't?"

"Yes Mama. I promise. I'll never give up."

"That's my brave girl. I know it's difficult." Ami watched her mother kiss her daughter on the forehead. Her own skin tingled sympathetically. A phantom kiss. She'd forgotten what that felt like. "I'm so proud of you."

Her vision wavered. Ami realized she was crying. She looked at her mother, hungry to take in every moment before she lost it all again.

It wouldn't be long now. She didn't have much time left.

The lines of the room, the walls, the counter tops, the baking sheets shimmered and spiraled out. Ami experienced a vertigo that robbed her of senses. The only thing that remained steady was the girl at her side.

Chaos swirled black all around, yet the girl remained solid.

No. Not a girl.

This was a woman. A goddess.

An angel.

No ordinary human could be this beautiful. The light in her eyes had to be divine. She was love. She offered the only sanctuary in this mad, mad, world.

Ami fell into the blue and drowned.

Stave Three: Christmas

The first thing she noticed as the smell of cookies. The second, was that she was lucid again. If this were still a dream, then she was wide awake. Ami realized with a start that she could see. She looked around, curious what the phantasmagoria of her dying brain would show her next.

Once again, she knew exactly where she was. Even if she didn't, the nameplate above the doorbell would have given her the answer.

"206- Kino Makoto"

That explained the cookie smell at least.

There were voices on the other side of the door. Happy voices. Ami recognized every single one.

She hesitated at the door. Ami wondered if she should knock, or ring the doorbell. She wondered if it would be better to just turn around and walk away.

Her friends were all here. So close, yet so far away.

Ami was about to leave when the angel at her side gave her a shove. Just like that, they were through the door and inside Makoto's apartment.

Being incorporeal took some getting used to.

Ami moved about, taking in the familiar setting. The pictures in the hall, the plants, the light switch with the broken faceplate from when Makoto had smashed into it a little too hard. It was all bittersweet. She'd never thought to be here again.

Things were much the same as she remembered them - except for the things that weren't.

A Christmas wreath hung on the door that she'd never seen before. There was only one toothbrush in the cup on the bathroom counter. The leaky shower head was silent at last. Makoto had procrastinated so long in repairing that damn faucet that Ami was sure that she actually liked the incessant dripping sound.

Ami paused. It couldn't be...A sense of dread stole over her.

She looked at Makoto's wall calendar with trepidation. The crossed out numbers clearly marked the date: Christmas Day.

Ami narrowed her eyes. At this very moment, she knew herself to be half a world away, lying in a snowbank. Yet, she was here, standing in Makoto's apartment.

"This is impossible. How can I be seeing this? These aren't my memories."

"No they aren't. I wanted you to see this anyways. It's important."

Her self-proclaimed guardian angel responded, but did not explain. Ami tried to form her own conclusions to make up for the lack.

"I'm imagining this. I'm taking what I know, and it projecting forward. That has to be it."

"You never take things at face value. It's one of my favourite things about you. You never stop searching for answers."

Ami didn't respond. She'd walked into the kitchen. Now that she was inside the apartment, she couldn't resist looking.

Everyone was here. Her friends. The Senshi. Everyone. They all seemed so happy as they sat for a Christmas dinner. Ami couldn't help but smile seeing the feast that was laid out on the table. Makoto's outdone herself as usual.

It was surprisingly nice, being here but not here. There was no need to force herself to smile, or to make conversation. No need to pretend that she wasn't a broken thing masquerading as human among all these shining people.

Ami drifted among her friends, a ghost barely present.

"Michiru-Mama! Michiru-mama! I have a question!"

A child's voice piped up. Ami was confused to see a toddler at the table. It took her a moment to realize it was Hotaru. The last time she had seen Hotaru, she just a baby...and now here she was, sitting at the table and using complete sentences.

Amazing how time flies.

Michiru smiled down at her daughter.

"Yes? What is it Hotaru-chan?"

"What is that?" Ami's eyes widened. Hotaru was pointing right at her. "Why is there an empty space?"

All eyes turned the direction Hotaru was waving in. Ami froze. Her brain spun circles trying to think of a way to explain herself and why she was here. "My Guardian Angel brought me." sounded utterly insane. Ami shot a panicked look at her guardian angel, desperate for help. The angel giggled softly and pointed at the unoccupied chair that Ami was standing behind.

Oh. Of course. She was an idiot. Good to know.

Hotaru was interested in the unused place setting, and not the ghost creeping around the table.

Thank goodness.

Ami breathed a sign of relief. She was curious as well now. Hotaru's question had an immediate sobering effect on everyone. The festive hubbub at the table died down to a reflective silence.

"It's not empty." Michiru glanced about for consensus before continuing. "It's for a dear friend of ours. She's not here right now, but we want to include her still. She's one of us."

Setsuna raised her glass in a toast.

"To absent friends."

"To absent friends."

Ami ran. She couldn't stay. She couldn't watch anymore. She was a coward who didn't deserve to be here.

Her guardian angel found her outside in the hall, leaning over the railing that overlooked the building's courtyard.

"Ami-chan! Are you ok?

Wrong question. Wrong person to ask.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK!?" Ami screamed. The clink of glass echoed in her head. She grabbed the girl's collar and dragged her close. "WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?!"

The girl didn't flinch. "Because I wanted you to see. You are loved. You aren't forgotten, nor will you ever be. Your friends are waiting for you."

"STOP IT! This isn't real! None of this is real!"

"Ami-chan, why deny what you are seeing?"

Ami let go and took a wobbly step back. She stumbled into the wall. Her rage subsided as quickly as it came. An enervating numbness took it's place. Ami slid down to the ground, too weak to keep standing.

This was bad. she couldn't feel her arms, or her legs anymore.

Worse of all, she was a liar and she knew it. Tonight felt more real than anything she's experienced in a long while. The girl standing before her wasn't just a fever dream

"You're a hallucination." Ami repeated the lie more for herself than anything. "I've had too much to drink, or not enough sleep. I've been studying too much or..." her head lolled sideways. It was a struggle to keep her eyes open. "None of this matters anyways."

"Why do you say that?" The response was gentle. Leading. Ami didn't move when the girl sat down next to her. She didn't resist when she was drawn into loving arms. There, enveloped in warmth, she whispered her truth at last.

"Because the person they are waiting for doesn't exist anymore. This is who I am now. There's nothing but hate, and pain and misery. I don't belong with them."

"That's not true. I know you don't feel it right now, but please, believe me: It gets better."

"Will it?" Ami chuckled softly. "I don't believe you. I don't even know if I'll make it though the night. I think we're still on that bridge." The sound of running water filled her ears again. It sounded far away. Everything did. Ami could barely hear herself speak. She knew she was slurring her words, but there was nothing she could do about it. "I'm dying right now aren't I?"

"Not tonight. I promise. I'll protect you."

"Why?"

"You're important to me."

Ami slumped over. The girl caught her and laid her head down gently onto her lap.

"I'm sorry. Please. Tell them - tell her - I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm so sorry...I couldn't - I had to- I'm sorry"

"Shhh...it's ok Ami...it's ok." A cool hand rested on her brow, calming her. Ami left off in her mumbling. The apologizes she had been so desperate to make no longer seemed so necessary. "Lie down. Rest. It'll be ok. Let me tell you a story."

The angel spoke. Her words gave rise to glowing crystal spires. To mundane reality and awe-inspiring miracles. To ridiculous adventures between earth shaking crises.

Ami could see it all clear as day.

There was heartbreak and terror. Tragedy, pain, loss and suffering.

There was that, and so much more.

There was light in the darkness. It was always there, intertwined like threads through a tapestry. There was joy and happiness. There was pride and accomplishment. Little bites of sweetness interspersed with the the most soul-satisfying moments to savour. Flashes of kindness, friendship, and compassion blazed a brilliant gold.

The story went on on and on.

There was so much. So many moments - each one loaded with the understanding that only life could bring.

Ami looked up, overwhelmed by the possibility of the years yet-to-come.

"Are you really an angel?"

The girl didn't answer, she simply smiled down at Ami and continued to stroke her hair.

"How are you feeling?

"I don't know. It wouldn't mean a thing if I told you. I don't know if I know. I'm not sure I ever knew."

"That's ok. You don't have to know everything."

Hot tears ran down her cheeks.

"How do I keep going?

"Carry on Ami. One day at a time. Keep fighting. Believe in the future. That is hope. It will get you there."

"Is it worth it?"

"I can't tell you that. It's not my question to answer." The angel began to glow brighter and brighter. "Are you ready to find out?"

Ami stared into the light. Darkness crowded in around the edges. The question echoed in time. Day by day, hour by hour. Though it took all her failing strength, though she was as unsure of herself as she had ever been, it was a question she needed to answer. Ami nodded. Her head dipped down as her eyes slid closed.

Then it all faded to white...

Stave Four: Present

Ami woke up with the sun shining in her face. She found herself in her bed, in her own apartment.

She had no idea how she got there. The last thing she remembered was drinking on a bridge halfway across town.

She rolled over, reaching for the bottle of painkillers she kept on her night table on autopilot.

Then she stopped.

Strange. She felt...good. Well rested.

That was different.

There was a delicious smell in the air. Ami could see through her bedroom door that there was a plate of something sitting on her kitchen table.

Did she get black-out drunk, stagger home and...make herself breakfast? What the hell? That'd never happened before.

Ami dragged herself out of bed to investigate. Sure enough, there was an omelet waiting for her.

Oh well. First time for everything. Ami shrugged and sat down to enjoy the unexpected Christmas gift.

Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

Stave Five: Christmas Yet to Come

"Welcome back your Majesty."

Neo Queen Serenity stepped through the portal in in a swirl of mist. Setsuna dipped her head in a slight bow.

"Stop that Setsuna. How many times do I have to tell you that formalities are unnecessary between us?"

"As you say. Old habits die hard." Setsuna straightened up and gestured at the Time Gate behind her. "I take it your mission was a success?"

"Mmm...I wouldn't call it a mission, but yes. I believe it was." Neo Queen Serenity looked away for a moment before she regained her usual composure. "Ami won't remember anything, but I think we made a difference. That's something." She simmered a moment, releasing the magic of the Disguise Pen. "Oh! And before you ask, Here's your key back!" Pluto had a small key and chain pressed into her hands. "Thanks for letting me use it. Sorry again about the eggs. I told you it wouldn't blow up the time line. Umm...it didn't right?"

"Everything is fine" Setsuna felt a smile twitching at her lips as she considered the implications of a time-displaced omelet. "I'm sure you and Makoto thought everything through before you tried to sneak that past me."

Neo Queen Serenity giggled as she took Setsuna by the hand.

"I said I was sorry! Thanks for waiting for me. Now come on, it's Christmas morning! It's time for breakfast! I'm so excited." Neo Queen Serenity increased her pace. Setsuna almost tripped on her staff trying to keep up. "Hurry! If you're late, no one will ever let you live it down!"

They hurried towards party room. Among the general sounds of cheer and festivities, Setsuna could make out the distinctive chime of Ami's laugh. If she cherished that sound more today than any other, then no one ever needed to know.

-ll-

A.N.

Happy holidays everyone. Thank you for reading.

sidenote: Distress centres do good work. Volunteering time and/or donating money keeps that work going. My thanks to anyone who has done so in the past and continuing thanks to those who continue this work in the future.

Goodwill to all,
- Drifter.