Falling is like this
AN: This story is written for the next gen week on Tumblr and fitting to that it´s a Bra/Pan story. It will be very angsty, but that´s basically the only warning I can give.
And yes, I´ve been away for a while but nothing terrible has happened. I´m good, I´m back and I hope you´re having fun!
(And a tiny little anecdote… I first heard that song in the beginning in a little Battlestar Galactica video. That´s probably why I chose it for this story.)
you give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this
Ani Difranco - Falling Is Like This
12.05. / 13:54:00
It´s been 12 days since the accident. I guess the captain has a log of some kind, so I don´t know if it is necessary for me to reiterate everything, but… Okay, Pan, this is for you. It´s been 12 days and people are starting to die and it looks like we can´t fix it on our own and I need to do something to not go crazy. So this is for you. If you find this, I want you to know what has happened, not the log of the captain, not that list of facts that don´t tell you how… how hopeless I feel.
12.05. / 14:12:35
I´m sorry. I don´t want to sound so gloomy, it´s not my style, right? But you know what´s my style? When I told you I didn´t want to board and you said nothing could happen, it was basically impossible for something to go wrong. Well, I was right. And just this once I wish I hadn´t been.
12.05. / 15:38:58
12 days ago there was a rumble throughout the whole ship in the middle of the artificial night and then we powered down. First they said it was all fine, just a little engine problem but it would be fixed. Then they said it will take a bit longer than anticipated. And finally they said they will call for help. But it wasn´t possible to call for help without our long range communication system, which was fried in the collapse of the reactor core and well, not so bad, right? We still have food and water and air and if we don´t arrive in time, someone will come and get us. It´s not as if we´re going somewhere, right? Wherever we are… So the bridge only announced that radiation is leaking from the engine after the first people felt sick and nauseous and some started getting weird spots on their skin. That was three days ago, I think. This morning, I decided I don´t want to leave my room anymore. As you know perfectly well Pan, everyone thinks that being an offspring of the Caspule Corporation founders I instantly should know all there is about spaceships and engineering and… I never wished so much for mum or grandpa to be with me. Because I don´t know shit about it and the sicker everyone feels, the more they pester me.
If I could help, I would! Of course I would. Just because I don´t have spots on my skin doesn´t mean I´m feeling amazing. I lost my appetite and that´s saying something… so I decided to stay in my room. That way, the only person accusing me is myself and I think I can handle that.
I honestly don´t know how long it takes for radiation sickness to kill someone. Especially non-humans like us. But I don´t want to become the first test case so please… please find me before you have to read this. Please.
12.05. / 19:48:23
I´m scared. I don´t want to die here.
12.05. / 23:35:41
They were banging on my door. I could only hear them muffled through the door, thank god for that, but they were banging for two hours against it. I know they are scared, but I don´t want to help them by letting them scream at me. Does that make me a horrible person?
13.05. / 06:58:15
I found the first dark spot on my skin when I went on the toilet. I noticed it because it´s right next to the one little dot on my thigh, the one you always kissed and giggled and told me that it is your spot. If my skin is starting to rot I would prefer if it could leave your spot alone.
14.05. / 11:28:39
I went outside today for a short walk and I found someone lying on the floor. I think he was dead, but I didn´t check. He looked normal, just a little pale and, I don´t know, his face was a bit sunken in. I turned around and walked back to my room. I can get food from the delivery system, it´s automatic, you know? I guess you know, you helped establish commercial space travel after all. I hope this is not a setback for it. Not for me, obviously, but because it´s important to you.
14.05 / 18:02:54
I tried reading but it turns out it´s not much fun when you´re afraid of dying, so I decided to continue a bit with this… journal. I hope the records won´t be deleted through the radiation, I honestly don´t know how it works. I´m going to type it anyway, it´s not as if I got anything better to do.
Pan, I hope you know what to do with my belongings even if you can´t read this. I have a contract which states that my shares of Capsule Corporation go directly to you and my shares of my company go to my brother. I think he´ll know if he wants to liquidize it or integrate it, although I´m not sure he really needs an investment company. Either way, that´s settled. Please sell all my apartments except for the ones you want to use, but knowing you you won´t want that. You are not the sentimental type. Don´t sell my art collection, I want them donated to different galleries. Not all to the same, that way more people can look at pieces of it without having to travel much. You know what kind of galleries I like. Everything else you can sell and donate it to my charities. I know you don´t need my money, so please donate that as well either. I always told you that charities are the only thing justifying millionaires, so if you want to you can also start your own and name it 'Bra Memory Foundation' or something cheesy like that. I´m gonna check in from the afterlife and have a lot of time thinking of ways to make fun of it.
14.05 / 18:43:27
I had to stop for a moment. Considering if I should write about it, if I want you to even know… but if there was ever a time for confessions, it´s now I guess. You know I`m not sentimental either and that… I don´t like to parade my emotions around. But I want you to know that I love you, so much that dying scares me, because I know that you will live a long long life and I don´t know how I can stand waiting for you, hoping you will be waiting for me as well although I should be the bigger person and wishing you to find happiness with someone else of course, we´re barely 30, that´s no age for celibacy.
I would wait anyway. There´s not much to do in the afterlife, I guess. I´m glad to see grandma again, though. I miss her.
15:05. / 08:11:36
Another feeble attempt to get into my room. And another dot, on the inside of my arm. It´s red and scary looking. My nausea has gotten worse either, I can barely eat enough to not feel weak and what I can get into myself leaves me pretty soon again. Sorry, I don´t know if that might be helpful for the future. Saiyans can get sick from radiation as well and quite quickly, it seems.
Did you know that there aren´t many stars out here? I don´t have a window, but I can look at the outside of the ship through the terminal in my room (yeah, you know that) and I always thought it would look like a shimmering carpet. It´s more like a bleak night in the city, when the only lights in the sky are some satellites or maybe a plane. A lonely star. Imagine if we could travel beyond the galaxy, when we can travel beyond it, how empty space will be. I wonder if time exists if nothing else exists there. I wonder if I can look at it when I´m dead.
15:05. / 12:29:30
Since I´m checking all the points of my list of things I would never say, I can as well get mushy about us more. You know, I tried to think of all the good, the great times with you and our first kiss was definitely high on that list. We were friends since forever and we were watching some movie and you were almost 16 and me barely 15… it´s so long ago but I still remember clearly how my heart started pounding when you started to rant about the actress in the movie and how pretty she was. I don´t even know which actress. I know I timidly asked if you fancy girls and when you said yes, it was all loud and offensive and ready to start a fight and I only wanted to faint. It meant I wasn´t the only one and it meant that maybe… maybe I did have a chance. Especially when I saw the look of relief on your face when I told you I fancy girls as well. And when you asked me if there was someone I especially liked I thought this is it! Now or never! Time to be brave, even if it means we can´t be friends anymore. And I said it was you. And you almost started hyperventilating and we kissed and it was so awkward since none of us had ever done it but it was also the best feeling I had ever felt and I never wanted it to end.
I can´t die now. We can´t end like some cheesy romance novel. It´s not who we are.
…and you know when I fell in love with you? I never told you. You were at my place for a sleepover and I woke up in the middle of the night and when I looked at you, sleeping next to me in my big bed, so peaceful and kind of messy I knew I wanted to have this every day, forever. That I would never get tired of you being with me. I know we had some rough times, especially when we were both studying and always so exhausted and stressed, but we made it. We made it, right? We only started with our lives becoming great, becoming what we want it to be. I don´t want to give it up, not yet. Not yet.
15.05. / 13:32:51
You know I wasn´t happy about you volunteering as test pilot for the first space flights. Even a Saiyan or half Saiyan or quarter Saiyan won´t live long in space if anything fails… I´m (still) living proof of that. But at least I could tell you that. I never told you how much I disliked the fighting though. Maybe you noticed, but I didn´t want to tell you since it was my personal problem and not yours. I guess had I been born on Vegeta-sei, they would have sent me away to another planet like Goku-san for not wanting to fight. Dad was always different when he was fighting. I mean I only ever heard of those big battles and tournaments and all that, but even when he was only doing some sparring with my brother… it bothered me. And you were different as well. Every bit of your softness always left your face and it made me anxious.
Well, I should´ve trained. Had I any recognizable ki, Goku-san would´ve picked us up already, right? We were supposed to arrive on the 13th, that´s just two days ago. I don´t know how to raise my ki, but Goku-san is really good at what he does. For once I would like it if you would be as anxious as me and start a fuss about the ship being two days late, since you know how afraid I was to even board it and it will be over soon. I would like that.
16.05. / 05:14:28
I untangled my hair while I was on the toilet and a whole strand came loose. I know I have the nausea and the diarrhea and the red and dark spots, but the hair makes it… I don´t know if it means it´s going to end soon. I think… I think I need to lie down a bit.
17.05. / 09:07:53
I miss the sun. I miss my beach house on Cherry Island. I miss seeing you lounge around on my veranda, sprawled like you own the place (only half of it!) I miss my cats… please don´t give them away. I know you don´t love them as much as I do, but I couldn´t bear it if they aren´t cared for how they deserve it. They had suffered so much before I adopted them.
I miss my nieces. I miss my coffee machine, my damn phone, I miss being hassled with messages every few minutes, I miss being at work and eating the damn cafeteria food since I`m always too lazy to make something in the evening, I miss my dumb routine and all the boring obligations I have and I miss it so much my heart starts aching and I´m too tired to cry and it makes me miss feeling good. It´s been four days.
17.05. / 21:46:03
I wonder if anyone is still alive except for me. But I´m too scared to go outside.
17.05. / 23:16:39
I´m glad we married last year. I know I said there was no rush, since I wouldn´t go anywhere and I was pretty sure nothing could harm us, not with us being nearly indestructible and with me being protected my some of the strongest beings in the universe, but… I had to make sure life wanted to kick my arse for being so sure of it.
18.05. / 10:25:33
Hair is still falling out. I´m mostly drinking water, I can´t keep much more down.
19:05. / 15:01:46
I already bought a birthday present for you. I hid it in my office, it´s in the third drawer on the left. I feel awful and can barely keep my eyes open anymore, but I want you to know that I was prepared this year. I hope you like it.
I love you.
.
.
.
"…ra! Bra! BRA!" Opening my eyes is so hard, why can´t I just be left alone? "Bra! Come on, please, come on!" Shouldn´t it be peaceful, being dead? It won´t stop, maybe I should check who´s so persistent… "Bra, thank god, I`m here, I´m here."
Who is that? That helmet… My hand feels awkward, but I have to check.
Oh, hey Pan. You look awful with your red, pouty face. Remind me to mock you about it later.
I close my eyes. She found me. I can finally rest.
Fin.
AN: Omg, the best I have written in the last 12 months were some fragments that I all didn´t like and then I poured this out of me in one go and yeah. That felt good. I don´t know if anyone besides me will like this story, since it´s a bit unusual, but I had the idea for this story for quite a while and I wanted to write something bittersweet for once and this is the result! ((Headcanon: Bra lives))