This is a fic based on Jake and Peyton of One Tree Hill (which I do not own). The title comes from the lyrics of Jimmy Eat World's Just Tonight…(which, again, I do not own). I also use the lyrics from this song to introduce each section. I have quoted a line from Samuel Beckett's play Waiting For Godot (nope – I don't own that one either)because you will find that it will represent the story very well as a whole.

You Want Pain

Part One

Samuel Beckett once wrote, "The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops."

all at once the music stopped
the feeling went away
an ugly picture, me and you
but nothing I can change

She had no idea what she was doing there, but there she was. Just standing. Windswept platinum-blonde ringlets flying wildly about her head. Looking down into the compelling darkness with her scarlet, tear-stained face. The water was hypnotic. She had a million thoughts racing through her head, but somehow she couldn't think at all. Pulling at her gut - her very soul - was something she couldn't understand. Her life had been nothing but one disappointment after another – one heartache after another. Where did it go so wrong? How could it ever be right again? She only wanted something to make it matter.

I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go

She was terrified. Her life contained gaping holes, and she craved for anything that might possibly fill them.

He had no idea why he was there, but there he was. Walking down a darkened street. He was pulled by some unknown force back to this place where so much had happened. He was scared of what he was being led to, but he kept following. Why was he walking down this alley? He'd never been there before, but something about it just felt right. He noticed a car pull up behind one of the buildings. It looked like…but no, it couldn't be.

She was so upset that it took every ounce of strength in her to get out of her car. Her legs were trembling so that she had to lean against the fender for support. The darkness of the alley was chilling, yet she suddenly felt a warm energy swelling up inside – something she didn't understand. She was knocked out of her thoughts when she heard someone call out to her.

"Looking for me?"

never again
just tonight?
ok

Her heart dropped to her knees at his sight. Rick. Why the hell am I doing this? What's wrong with me? She nervously started darting her eyes in every direction.

"High school girls. Relax."

She forced a fake smile. Pushed her hands into her pockets.

"Is this what you're after?"

She again nervously searched the space around her. She knew she shouldn't be there, but she couldn't take herself away. Just this one time. Just tonight. This will just make it all go away. She quickly reached for the bag, but Rick pulled it away.

"Got some cash for me?"

He kept walking through the shadows toward that familiar figure. What the hell was she doing in this place? And who the hell was she talking to? He noticed her defeated posture. She used to be so strong. Now she looked so fragile. He saw her darting eyes. Her fidgeting hands. Her forced smile that she wore whenever she was in pain. His heart both swelled and sank at the sight. Yet he kept moving silently forward.

we'll never be the same
never feel this way again
I'd give you anything but you want pain

She began to reach for her money when some movement from the shadows caught her eye. Jerking her head up, she saw him. Jake. Walking out of the night to save her. The sight of him filled her heart with a sense of peace that she hadn't felt for months.

"Jake."

He looked so different though. He was thinner, matured, and determinedly serious.

She was still just as beautiful, but it pained him to look at her. She had become so broken. Wounded. Before he could say anything, Peyton ran to him and threw herself into his arms. He smelled her sweet perfume – that familiar scent she wore everyday. She once told him that it used to be her mom's favorite. It felt so good to hold her. It felt so right. It felt so complete. But it hurt too. He could feel her violent shaking, her heavy sobs. He'd give anything to make her whole again.

She had never felt more complete than when she was in Jake's arms. She felt their power tightening around her, rubbing slowly up and down her back. He felt so strong, so sturdy. She felt him release a heavy sigh of relief against her neck, his hand gently caressing her soft locks of hair. She felt his heart pounding against her own. She reluctantly pulled away. He reluctantly let her pull away. He wiped away her tears with his thumb. She frantically released a long line of questions.

"How are you? How's Jenny? Where's Jenny? Is she okay? Where have you been? Why haven't you answered my emails?"

Jake had time to answers these questions, but he had no time to wait for what he had to do. He wrapped one arm around her waist; the other cradled the side of her face. He drew Peyton in and kissed her. At first, it was incredibly intense. He hadn't seen her in so long - he could barely sleep for worrying about her. Peyton placed both hands on the sides of his face to pull him closer to her. She needed to feel close. She needed him. His lips were so intent. Then the kiss lightened into something very soft, very sweet. He pulled back so that their mouths were just barely touching, foreheads leaning against each other, eyes closed. He had to know what she really felt, but he was too afraid to ask. He could feel Peyton's warm breath on his face. He knew she felt the same way when she brought his lips to hers and kissed him back as impulsively and as passionately as he had her.

"You know what, Peyton?" Rick interrupted as he walked back to his car. "Just call me later."

Peyton and Jake unwillingly pulled apart, Jake still firmly holding her by the shoulders. He couldn't bring himself to let go of her. Peyton turned her head slightly to the direction of Rick's voice, averted her eyes to the ground, and quietly nodded. Jake felt anger burning up inside of him. It was all he could do to keep still and not attack him.

"She won't be calling. Take advantage of someone else," Jake growled.

"And what makes you so sure she won't be calling?" Rick smugly asked as he opened up his car door and began to get in.

"I'll make damn sure of it. Get out of here."

we're all tired talk when it comes to shove

Peyton grew frightened. She had never heard such an angry tone is his voice before. Jake knew what she had been doing. She was ashamed. She just wanted to get away. She needed to get away. She tried to turn and run, to disappear into the shadows. But Jake held firmly onto her shoulders, keeping her back. The moonlight shining on both of them began slowly exposing everything underneath.

"No. Peyton. You're not running away from this." The wind was blowing her curls all over her face. He pushed them back behind her ears. He needed to see her face. She was biting down on her lower lip, trying her hardest to keep it all in. There's no way I'm letting her go again.

"Dammit Jake!" Hot tears began welling up again, but she forced herself to look him in the eyes. "Why not?" Her voice began cracking. "Everything runs away from me! Everyone runs away from me! So why shouldn't I do the same?"

"No. We're taking care of this right now," Jake gently insisted, holding her by her shoulders. He couldn't stand to see her so hurt. "Now, tell me why you were meeting that guy here."

"You know, I thought that one was pretty obvious," she bitterly whispered. She turned her face to avoid his eyes. They felt like they were piercing her own.

"Dammit Peyton. Just talk to me. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm begging you – talk to me." He desperately searched for her eyes. For her to realize that he was really there.

"I just…I don't know. I just…I guess I needed it."

"Why did you need it?" He was somewhat relieved – she was starting to open up.

"It's just that…I…I've just been so lonely lately. Everything's wrong. Everything's screwed up, and there's no one here that cares. My mom's dead, and somehow I manage to miss her more every single day. My dad's gone on his job all the time, even though he promised to be here more. Brooke's too wrapped up in all of her damn drama to notice. Lucas…he…he just hasn't been here. And there's all this shit going on at school. And you weren't here. Jake, you weren't here. I sent you so many emails, and I never heard a word. I just…I needed something. Anything. I..." She couldn't speak anymore. It hurt too much.

Jake sweetly kissed the top of her forehead. I should've come sooner. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be here. But I'm here now Peyton."

"Why didn't you just let me know you and Jenny were okay?" She looked up into his eyes. The moonlight playing across her face revealed the pain in her eyes, in her heart. "I was so worried when I never heard from you."

He saw how worried she had been. If she only knew what I was thinking. "I got all of your emails. I wanted to write back to you so much…you have no idea."

She felt even more hurt. "Then why didn't you?"

"I…I couldn't. I'm…I'm not the kind of person to do something halfway."

She was confused. What was he trying to say? "What do you mean?"

"I could see how upset you were. I just didn't want to make it worse. What good would it have been for me to say 'I'm here for you' if I never really could be here? I couldn't just tell you something like that over a computer. I had to see you."

"Well, why are you here now? Where's Jenny?" Slowly, a wave of panic overcame Peyton. "Oh my God! Did Nikki find you? Does she have Jenny?"

"No, no, Peyton. Calm down. Everything's okay. I got your message - you told me that Brooke sent Nikki to Seattle, but I still kept my guard up. There's been absolutely no sign of her. Not in Savannah. Not here. My parents have been keeping an eye out for her, but there's been nothing. I figured that she probably gave up. I mean, she doesn't exactly have the strongest maternal instincts. So, I came back…for you. My mom's watching Jenny right now. She has a little cold, but otherwise, she's fine."

"So, you're really here? And you're staying? You're not going away?"

"I'm really here. I'm really staying. And I'm really not going away. Now, can we please go to some other place less creepy and talk?"