Death Note Cops Episode 1- Pilot
Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing.
"Sir, I'm gonna need you to- OW!" Mello wasn't able to finish his sentence. He was punched in the face by the man he was talking to, knocking him to the ground. Then the man walked over to him and began beating the living crap out of him. "AH, EH, OH, GAH, HONEY BOO BOO!" The man then walked away. "Oh god, what was the point of that!? You had a goddamn tail light out! I wasn't arresting you, I was just letting you know! Oh my god, so many punches at once! Oh, what is that guy, some sort of body builder!? Oh ho, god! I hate my job!"
Mello's partner, Near, walked over to him. "Hey, Mello," the albino boy said.
"Oh, Near." Mello got up. "Did you see that guy? He just straight up kicked my ass."
"Oh yeah. Quite the police officer you are, Mello."
"Oh, shut up, Near. You didn't get your ass kicked by a body builder."
"That guy wasn't a body builder. He was the same size as me. That shouldn't really even matter, since you have a taser."
"What the hell happened to us, Near? Look at us. We're on parking detail and trafficking! We saved the world! And this is all we get!?"
"Well Mello, maybe this is just how it was meant to be. Maybe we aren't cut out for the high, intense life of the actual police officers and detectives."
"Actual police officers? Near, we are BETTER, than actual police officers and detectives. With our combined intelligence we were able to take down a man who could kill, only needing a pen, book, name and face! We should have our own fucking show! I mean yeah, we appear in like, half of the death note series, but we're better than that, man. We should have our own shot at the spotlight and- HEY!" Mello began to yell at someone else. "Do not skate board in that parking lot! I swear to god, I will put my shoe up your fucking ass, you little shit! Oh, oh great, you see that Near? Not even children respect us; he just flipped me off... And pulled down his pants and... Oh god. That's disgusting."
"Did that guy just take a shit in the middle of the parking lot?"
"That was probably the worst fuck you I have ever seen done to a police officer. At the same time I feel kind of proud."
"Well, at least he was creative."
"Alright that is it, I am going to go and talk to the chief, and we are getting our own show damn it... Right after I yell at that old lady for parking in that handicap spot." Mello than began to run to the car."
"Wait, Mello, she's old. Maybe she needs it."
"I don't see a goddamn handicap parking space sign on her car. I'm gonna go give her one for. HEY YOU! OLD BITCH! Don't move! What the hell do you think you're doing, you just parked in a handicap spot! Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to believe that you were about to get your sign out of your glove box? And let me guess, your cane is in the backseat that you were just gonna grab to make it look like you were supposed park here?... Don't back talk me old bitch, I hooked a guy's testicles to my car battery and made him explode! Twice! Don't make me do that to you your old saggy tits! What are you doing? Don't ignore me, I am an officer of the law and... And you're pulling out your cane... From the back of your car. And your showing me your handicap parking space sign that was in your glove box... Near! I think we're gonna have to go to human resources!"
"Oh... Fuck."
LATER AT THE STATION
"Can I honestly speak freely and say how absolutely fucking retarded you two are?" asked their boss, Ryuzaki.
"We're sorry sir," Near and Mello said in unison.
"Near, in all honesty I feel sorry for you, being partnered with this fucking lunatic. You seriously went up to an old lady who parked in a handicap spot, told her that you would blow her up, by attaching your car battery, to her old saggy tits, thus, causing her to explode!? Twice!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?"
"Well sir," Mello started. "In my defense I-"
"No! Shut your goddamn mouth, I don't wanna hear it! You two are the worst damn officers I have on my force. And somehow, being so, you've caught the attention of VorticalFiveStudios's fanfiction account!"
"We did?" Near and Mello asked in unison.
"Yes. They called me up, and they said they'd like to discuss with me letting you guys off, and giving you your own show."
"No fucking way!" Mello yelled in excitement. "Really!?"
"Chief," said Near. "You're really gonna sign off on this?"
"Well at first I wasn't," Ryuzaki said. "But then I thought about it a little more and realized that if you guys have your own show, everyone will get to see what kind of fuck ups you are and maybe I can get you transferred or fired, and out of my life forever."
"Oh c'mon chief," Mello said. "We're not that bad."
"Not that bad? Whatever. Let me tell you something though. If this deal goes through and you get your own show, my eye is gonna be on you, like a fly on a pile of shit. You aren't gonna be able to do so much as to take a shit, without me knowing about it! Do you understand? This show is gonna be incredible. And I want 110% out of both of you, cause guess what? I'm starring in it too. It's gonna be like cops on television... but better... I think. Ah hell, I don't know. Either way, sit outside. VorticalFive64 is gonna be here in a couple of minutes, and we're gonna discuss everything."
LATER OUTSIDE
"Can you believe it Near?" asked Mello. "Our own show."
"Mello," said Near. "I really don't know if this is such a great idea."
"Oh c'mon, Near. Don't get cold feet on me now. This is our chance! A one shot at being at the big time!"
"We're on fanfiction, Mello. Not CBS."
"You're right, Near. We're not on CBS. Because fanfiction's better!"
"Actually, you are kind of right."
"No, I'm not kind of right, I am right. We're gonna do this. We are going to succeed! And it's also gonna be the type of show that people watch on Starz or HBO! Due to all the naughty language and suggestive comments made throughout the entire series. Enjoy everyone!"
TO BE CONTINUED...