Hey :D Hope you enjoyed going back to school like I did -_- *insert sad violin music here and some sobbing children* /cry

This story is a joint fanfic with me and alina (weasel-cheater), who is also a itasaku writer. This fanfic is more of a funny/pervy AU Romance fic, it will get more serious and less cracky in the later chapters 88D (Since it's alina in charge of teh funny and I think Im in charge of the romanticy bits and grammar checking)

And so, most of this chapter was made by alina, I grammar checked it all (still may be mistakes) and we both came up with the story. It's a Secretary Boss type fic, seems cliche right now but we're going to bring in all sorts of awesome plot twists in :P

Review people, it'd be nice if we hear from you guys to 1. Prove you read :D 2. See if you like it :D 3. If its critiscm then we can make sure we don't make mistakes twice and make it more bearable for you to read this story xD and 4. We're review whores. D: If you don't review we shall rapeth you with a chainsaw and sword. :D

Enjoy reading =D

Stupid Chicken… Butthead

An ItaSaku AU story

By eifi and weasel-cheater

Chapter 1

All our Problems Originate from Sasuke

Green eyes glaring angrily at the old man in front of them, her breathing labored and her eyes twitched ever so slightly as she tried to put on a sweet smile. 'Sasuke's car… just remember Sasuke's car…you have to pay for crashing his beloved Mercedes into a pole Sakura… Calm down.' She reminded herself as she tried to ignore the lustful eyes of her boss and… was that drool at the corner of his mouth? 'Ugh, that's gross!'

"Anything else I could possibly do for you, sir?" she said through gritted teeth trying not to strangle him right then and there. Big brown eyes darkened as the hunchbacked man leaned against his office, a malicious grin appearing under his moustache, showing his yellow teeth.

Sakura scrunched up her nose, trying to get away from the deadly smell of the man's breath, and watched as a skinny hand reached towards her head and how suspiciously sticky fingers played with pink natural tresses of hair.

'Oh great, I have to disinfect my hair now, or worse…CUT IT! Who knows what he has been doing with his hands.' She thought irritated as she used all the willpower she could muster to keep her hands at her side, trying not to beat him into a bloody pulp, though that was becoming quite appealing right now.

"Oh, but there are so many things that you could do for me…" he said in what he probably thought would be a seductive voice, but to Sakura it sounded more like a donkey's roar.

'Oh hell no! that's it, he's so going down!' inner Sakura exclaimed as she pointed an imaginary machine gun at the man's head and started firing like a mad man. Sakura smiled coyly and batted her eyelashes sweetly.

"Oh…. but I know exactly what to give you. A punch or two for your stupid, faggot, perverted face!"

Two hours, 35 punches, 20 kicks and one boring walk home later.

A now jobless Sakura was staring intently at the TV screen, stuffing her face in ice-cream, trying to clear her mind and think of something.

"Okay…let's go over the situation…I have just lost my job, beat up my ex-boss in the process, probably will get sued by said person, I still have to pay Sasuke's stupid car, the mortgage and…did I miss something?"

'Yeah, you forgot about those speed tickets…you know, the ones that you keep under the sofa?'

"Uh huh! I should probably pay them someday… Maybe later though…" She groaned and plopped back onto the sofa, closing her eyes in frustration as her fingers tapped onto the armrest in the rhythm of a slow beat. She sighed softly, letting herself carried away by the soft chords, feeling as though her mind had cleared. She opened her eyes and gazed at the ceiling, watching as the shadows danced on the flat surface.

"Why can't Sasuke just forget about that car and move on? Just like how he did when Naruto got drunk and crashed his Lamborghini into a gas station? He didn't demand that he repays the damage did he? Why did he have to do it now?" She asked herself as she angrily threw a pillow on the hallway hitting the neighbors' cat.

"Stupid cat, coming for food again…" she mumbled watching as the poor feline meowed and scrambled out of the house and away from the furious woman. She sighed and looked at the half empty can of ice-cream as if she expected it to start laughing at her.

"What was so special about it anyway? Oh right, it was 'a gift from onii-chan'."

A young woman glanced nervous between the car and the furious man standing only 5 feet away from her. His head down and his breathing hard, his dark bangs hiding his eyes as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

She let out a small laugh and fidgeted a little in her place feeling the killing intent radiating from her friend. " Come one, Sasuke-kun…hehehe…it's just a little dent..hehehe no biggie, see?" she pointed a shaky finger towards the car but gulped as she saw even more smoke coming from under the hood and were those flames? Yep, definitely flames. She sweat dropped and glanced back at the fuming boy.

"Just a little dent, Sakura?" he asked slowly, his left eye twitching madly and his whole being was shaking in rage as he took one step closer.

"Just a dent?" he repeated, his voice deadly and Sakura could tell that he was about to leach out at her about…now.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? That's not just a little dent! Not even a big dent! You completely demolished it!"

"Hey, that's not true-" she was cut off by the sound of metal hitting pavement and they both stared at the cars door that was now laying innocently next to the car.

"I'm sorry, Sakura, I didn't quite catch what you said just now."

"Nothing sir."

"Didn't think so either. How could you Sakura? I entrusted you with my car and what have you done? Look at it, is wrecked!" Sakura rolled her eyes at him, leaned her weight on one leg and checked her nails, ignoring the glare sent her way by one furious Uchiha.

"Then just get another one, big deal. What's so special about it anyway?" Sasuke's jaw fell to the ground staring at her as if she grew two heads. Sakura glanced at him from the corner of her eyes and sighed. She turned to him fully and checked her watch.

'3… 2… 1… GO!'

"What's so special about it? I'm going to tell you what's so special about it! It was my graduation gift, Sakura!"

"Yeah, so?"

"It was my graduation gift from Itachi. A gift from my nii-san!" Sakura stared at him for two full minutes then shook her head and blinked a few times as if she just woke up from a trance.

"Did you just say that this entire ruckus is about a present that Itachi gave you?"

"Sakura, do you know just how important it is for me?"

"Sasuke, Itachi gives you lots of things. Like, on your fifth birthday, he gave that ridiculous fluffy blanket for you to hide under when you were alone, it's not like you still use it or have a place of honor for it, right?"

He straightened his back and put his hands on his hips. Sakura watched as his face brighten and a proud grin graced his features.

"Actually I have framed it and put in on my wall."

A cricket was heard.

A dog chased a cat.

An owl called in the night.

"You're kidding me right?"

"No. why would I?" he answered seriously watching as the girl hunched over holding her stomach, laughing so hard that tears appeared down her cheeks.

"Just wait…till Naruto…finds out!"

"Hn, I wouldn't count on that too much, Sakura-chan." He laughed darkly and put an arm over her shoulders his low voice and malicious look sending shivers down her spine. She gulped looking at him warily.

"Why?"

"Because, my dear friend, you will be busy working…to pay for my car!"

"Oh hell no!"

"Oh, but yes…" he finished in a creepy voice, his eyes crimson red daring her to go on.

"Fine…" she grunted looking the other way, hoping that one big anvil would fall on Sasuke.

"Stupid asshole, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have to pay for the stupid car…" Sakura moaned, deciding then and there that she hated Itachi's ass as much as she hated Sasuke's stupid chicken butthead hairstyle. Remembering that she still had to work somehow for even more debts, she sighed and looked outside the window.

"I'm so dead!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of Konoha, a raven haired young man with obsidian eyes stepped out of his sport car and took of his shades. He raised his eyes at the looming building and smirked walking casually towards the main entrance.

He ignored all the stares, calls and proposals that greeted him and headed to the elevator, feeling rather proud. He only needed to drop a few files that his father insisted on and he'd be out of here. He approached the oblivious woman at the desk and tapped his fingers lightly on the wooden surface. Eyes still glued to the screen, the woman answered politely as she kept typing random things.

"I apologize, but Itachi-sama is not here at the moment. Would you like to make an appointment or you rather wait for him?"

"Hn" Innocent blue eyes looked up and she froze, a scarlet blush spreading across her face.

"U-Uchiha-sama…I- I apologize, but your brother I-is not here r-right n-now…W-would you like me t-to announce him of your visit?" she stammered as she stared helplessly into those pools of black, her heart skipping a beast as she saw him smirk. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the woman and smirked. Maybe he could have some fun here while waiting for his brother? He leaned closer, his face only inches away from hers, looking straight into her eyes.

"That would not be necessary…"

"Lorna…" she breathed out, feeling her knees go weak at only his velvety voice.

"Right…Lorna, do you think you could help me with a little something?" he whispered hotly, his breath fanning across her face and she found herself nodding in response. 'Too easy…" he thought as he straightened his back and made his way towards Itachi's office. He stopped by the door and looked over his shoulder sending a dazzling smile to the woman and beckoning her to come inside. 'Way to easy…'

Itachi Uchiha was not a happy person, seriously he wasn't. He was downright pissed! He had just come out of a four hours long meeting and he was tired, hungry and damn he needed some dango! If he had stayed one more minute in there, he swore he would have strangled someone! He sighed as he stepped inside the office building. Being the CEO of the Uchiha Corporation surely was a tiring thing.

"Any messages for me?" he asked the blonde curly woman at the front desk, nodding in greeting.

"No, sir. But your brother stopped by to see you. He should still be at your office." He nodded his thanks and went towards the elevator, leaning his head against the cold metal, hoping his migraine would subside. The cling of the doors brought him back into reality and he stepped out from the elevator, walking casually towards his office. He raised his eyebrow at the empty desk, blinking a few times. Last time he checked, he had a secretary that was supposed to stay there. He shrugged wanting nothing more than to collapse into his comfy chair and drink a coffee. Maybe eat some dango too if he has the time. Just as he was about to turn the knob moaning caught his attention…moans coming from his office! He narrowed his eyes, gripping the knob tighter before throwing the door open.

His hands fisted in anger as he took in the image unfolding before his very eyes.

Papers and files were scattered all over the floor with pieces of clothing here and there. His left eye twitched as he directed his gaze towards his desk, where a very familiar woman was laying on, her pencil skirt slightly ripped on one side and her white chemise hanging on his chair, while a certain brother of his was pounding into her, rather harshly might he add.

He gritted his teeth as the moaning got louder and louder, the two still oblivious to his presence. He subtly loosened his tie, took off his jacket, and rolled up his sleeves. What? He wants to feel comfortable during a fight. He cleared his throat and watched in ill satisfaction as the two froze, heads turning in his direction in slow motion.

"Hello, otouto, what a pleasant surprise." He said in a scary voice, cracking his knuckles and enjoying their terrified looks. 'I think I'm going to become on only child.'

"U-Uchiha-sama…I-I'm so terribly s-sorry…" the poor woman stuttered as she hastily gathered her clothes and left the office, tears streaming down her cheeks as she heard the cold angry voice of her boss telling her not to bother coming back to work again. Sasuke gulped and took a few steps back as he watched his brother grin evilly, a dark aura radiating from him.

"Hey… Nii-san… Hehehe…how are you?" he asked lamely, his body tense and ready to make a run for it. Which given the situation would most likely be happening. He heard his brother let out a creepy laugh and his eyes widen for a moment before he regained his composure. He was an Uchiha after all; they do not know what fear is.

"Oh…just peachy…" he growled as his eyes narrowed dangerously, red flashing in his orbs as he grabbed the chair's back. Ignore previous statement about fear.

"Explain yourself, Sasuke!" he demanded, his voice was cold and harsh as he glared daggers at his younger brother, his keen eyes scanning over his face critically.

"Ah..." Sasuke glanced a little worried between the chair and Itachi, not liking his brother's glare, or the fact that he was tightly gripping said chair. He raised his eyes back to his and replied unsecured.

"Sakura put aphrodisiacs in my drink for calling her annoying and I couldn't' control myself." Itachi raised an eyebrow and closed his eyes, a cruel smirk pulling at his lips. He slowly shook his head from side to side and lightly tapped his fingers on the chair's back. He chuckled darkly and opened his eyes, his gaze piercing his skull.

"Hm…..." his sharp tone sent shivers down Sasuke's spine and he fidgeted a little. "But, you are my brother so…"Sasuke sighed deeply relaxing before his muscles tense again hearing his brother's next words. " I'm going to let you try again."

"Uh…she came on to me?"

"Nope, I'm still not buying it. Try again."

"Fine! I got bored." He snapped, glaring back as hard as he could, not wanting to back down from this fight and let his brother win. Itachi raised a raven eyebrow and tilted his head to the side *insert squealing fan girls here*

"So, you decided to take your boredom on my secretary? " Sasuke scowled at the skeptical, almost mocking tone of his brother and shrugged leaning against a wall.

"Why not? You wouldn't have used her anyway. I mean, everyone knows that…he paused at the confused face of his brother and smirked before he continued…"you're gay." Itachi's eyes narrowed dangerously and he let out an animalistic growl, his hands gripping tightly the chair before he forcefully threw it at the little brat's head. Said brat barely dodged the flying chair and watched with horrified eyes as it shattered into pieces against the wall. Picking himself up from the floor, he sent him a fierce look.

"What the heck, man? That could've been me!" Itachi gladly returned the gestured, his face flushed from anger and his breaths were coming in hard pants.

"Hn!" The boy sighed and combed his hair with his fingers, bringing it in his usual chicken ass shape. He looked down and frowned.

"That was mom's favorite painting." He muttered under his breath staring at the broken glass and ripped paper on the floor. "She's going to be angry." His eyes returned to Itachi and he silently thanked Kami as he saw that he was regaining his composure little by little.

"I'm not worried about it little brother, because you're going to be paying for it."

"Ah…no, I'm not. Your chair-your throw." He argued and crossed his arms over his chest. Itachi just shrugged and leaned against his desk.

"You dodged, it's your fault."

"Would you have wanted it to smash against my head?"

"That was my plan, yes."

"You're joking, right?" he asked in disbelief and Itachi just smirked and stretched his arms.

"Why, I am quite serious, Sasuke. Now, shall we continue?" Sasuke blinked a couple of times and slowly backed away.

"Now, now, Sasuke…you can either stay here and take it like a man, or you can just jump out the window. What option sounds more appealing to you?" he nodded his head towards said window and cracked his knuckles. The younger Uchiha fell silent for a few moments and looked between the window and Itachi. 'Now, what would be less painful? Jumping from over 40 feet or facing Itachi's wrath? '

"Okay…could you please open the window for me?"

"You're not getting away that easy otouto." The boy sighed and closed his eyes. Falling into a battling stance, he smirked at his brother and sent him a mocking look.

"Let's see what you've got brother."

One and a half hours later

One smug Itachi leaned against the wall and stared at his brooding brother that was currently holding an ice pack at his jaw.

"You didn't have to kick that hard, you know?"

"I know." Sasuke scoffed and turned his head away childishly, muttering an almost inaudable 'asshole' under his breath. Itachi chuckled darkly and sent him a daring look.

"Would you like to repeat that?"

"Not really no, may I leave now?"

"Actually Sasuke, I am not done with you yet." The older Uchiha shifted a little in a vain attempt to make himself a bit more comfortable, smirking at his brother's traumatic look. Who wouldn't be, when you have been beaten up to a pulp and about to embrace hell on Earth.

"You see otouto; I am facing quite a dilemma right now. It would seem that I am lacking a capable secretary, something that is rather hard to find as you might know." Sasuke snorted and switched the ice pack, wincing as it hit his abused skin.

"And whose fault is that?" he asked mockingly but shut up when Itachi sent him a deadly 'you-don't-want-to-go-there' look.

"As I was saying. I am lacking a secretary, and you, my dear otouto, are going to find me one." His voice was demanding and his gaze piercing, yet Sasuke raised an eyebrow seemingly unaffected by it.

"You have until tomorrow to find me a new secretary. But not any secretary. She must be: 1- Pleasant to the eye. Do you know how many retarded and perverted business partners come to negotiate with me? It'd be easier to sucker them in and distract them so they don't read any of the small print I give them. 2- Capable enough to handle the job without having to be supervised 24/7. 3- Not a who- Uh, easy woman. 4- I'd rather her not be an old woman that could barely walk around. 5- Not a fangirl. I already do as much exercise as a weightlifter or a professional footballer does with all this running around I do." He sent his brother a hard stare, his eyes showing just how serious he was with the matter.

The younger brother sweat dropped whilst looking at his brother almost unbelievingly. 'Well that surely reduces the list close to zero…' Still feeling his brother's hard gaze on him, Sasuke nodded and smiled forcefully, feeling like pulling at his hair in frustration.

"Good. You may leave now." Itachi watched in sadistic glee as the boy limped his way towards the door. When the soft click was heard, Itachi turned around sighing and looked at his once beautiful office that now was just a huge mess. His eyes moved lazily over the room and he almost pouted. He really liked that recline chair. It was perfect to sprawl on after a long day, have a warm cup of tea and a plate of dango close by on his desk, and throwing mini darts at a photo of Shisui that he had on his walls was probably the closest thing to having fun to Itachi. It was one of his favorite ways of relaxation. He sighed again and closed his eyes tiredly. 'Joy. I'm going to have to burn all the furniture because of that retard and the slut of my ex-secretary.'

Sasuke Uchiha sighed for the 9th time that day. He had gone through hundreds of resumes and made dozens of calls, yet nothing came out of it. He had nothing he could work with! Nothing. Nada. Zilch. He rolled around in his whirly chair and faced the window, watching as the sun disappeared behind the horizon. He clasped his hands together and crossed his legs in front of him, his eyes narrowing displeased.

He only had time until tomorrow afternoon to find a compatible candidate for the position of being Itachi's secretary, and he'd rather find someone in the time limit. Not that he was afraid of the consequences, pfft yeah right… Okay maybe he was just a little bit, but that wasn't the real reason. The true motive behind this mad quest was that he didn't want to lose this challenge that his brother had set for him and most importantly, even if he never admits it, he doesn't want to disappoint his older brother, who he held in high regards.

Now only if he could find a young woman, smart enough and not a fan girl. He sighed deeply scratching his head. Who was he trying to kid? Who could possibly be that crazy to accept this position and handle his slightly sadistic brother? His movements froze as his eyes widen for a split second before they turned malicious and a devilish smirk pulled at the corners of his lips. Grabbing his jacket he took slow, calculated steps towards his car. He might have found the right person for the job.

I hope you liked the chapter xD and I hope you are interested in the story :O Review pl0x XD Criticsm is also liked :O Oh and you may be wondering why I put lorna as the secretary. Reason why = There was this fat bitch I hated so bad in real life who bullied meh and was a total bitch :D *hates the name lorna*

Remember :D This is also written by weasel-cheater :D Visit both of our profiles to read more awesome itasaku fics.