Necessary disclaimers to avoid being sued: All characters in this fanfic are the intellectual property of Saturday Night Live and NBC Studios. I do not own any of them, I am not trying to make any money off them, I am simply creating a loving tribute to my favorite era(s) of "Saturday Night Live." Which is probably a dead giveaway of how old I am. Just let me get in my rocking chair, upload this document, and risk letting the whole internet read...
My Fantasy Saturday Night Live Sketch
O.S. organ music plays the "Church Chat" theme.
TITLE CARD: Church Chat
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now it's time for "Church Chat."
SMOOTH FADE from the title card to the set of Church Chat, a small talk show set with a desk for the host, a chair for the main guest positioned to its right, and a long couch to the chair's right to accommodate additional guests. The background looks like the inside of a small church, complete with stained glass windows and various Christian icons. THE CHURCH LADY sits behind her desk, facing the camera with her typically smug look.
CHURCH LADY
Hello once again. I'm the Church Lady, and this is Church Chat! Well, this is a very special day on Church Chat. We have a whole host of guests on today's show, all of whom share something in common that is near and dear to my heart. Like yours truly, they are all hosts of their very own talk shows!
(beat)
Now, it's said in the entertainment business that it's good to watch what other performers in your field are doing, so that you can compare methods and material, learn new techniques, and perfect a unique style of your own that sets you apart from your peers. Well, I too pay close attention to what others in the talk show business do, and it's safe to say that my show bears little resemblance to any of theirs. On Church Chat, we maintain a pious, moral center in the world, while other talk shows have more of a pie-eyed, oral center!
(beat)
What are these programs trying to give to their viewers? Let's start asking that question to our first guests. They're two high school seniors who hail from Aurora, Illinois, and host a late-night talk show on a community access cable channel. Please welcome Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar.
WAYNE and GARTH leap onto camera as the theme music of their talk show, "Wayne's World", begins playing loudly. Wayne drops into in the guest's chair; Garth sits on the couch end nearest to him. Wayne wildly strums an electric guitar even though it's not plugged in, Garth wildly bangs drum sticks even though he doesn't have any drums, and both cheer raucously as they jump down onto their respective seats.
WAYNE and GARTH (in unison)
CHURCH CHAT! CHURCH CHAT! PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT! OW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW!
The "Wayne's World" theme ends with a resounding crescendo.
GARTH
Alright, welcome to Church Chat! And here's your guest, Wayne Campbell!
WAYNE
PAR-TEEEEEEE! Wooh! Party hearty! It's Sunday, it's ten-thirty, it's time to party, I'm your excellent guest Wayne Campbell! With me as always is Garth!
GARTH
Party on, Wayne!
WAYNE
Party on, Garth! Okay! Tonight, we're appearing on national television for the first time, here on the set of "Church Chat!" Hosted by its most excellent host, the Church Lady! The only star of religious television that qualifies to be in the Wayne and Garth Book of Babes!
GARTH
Yeah, if she were a tall building, she'd be the Tower of Babe-el!
WAYNE
She's the queen of Babe-ylon!
GARTH
She's the first daughter of Babe-raham!
WAYNE
And she's host of the most excellent religious show on TV today. And by most excellent religious show, I mean the only one on TV that doesn't suck! Oral Roberts?
GARTH
Sucks!
WAYNE
Jerry Falwell?
GARTH
Sucks donkeys!
WAYNE
Jim and Tammy Bakker?
GARTH
Sucks everything!
WAYNE
(slyly)
At least Jessica Hahn did.
Both Wayne and Garth laugh themselves into insane spastic fits.
CHURCH LADY
(long-suffering bemusement)
Ah, the innocence of youth!
(beat)
Now Wayne, I understand you produce and broadcast your show live from the basement of your parents' house.
WAYNE
You got it!
CHURCH LADY
Well, despite its humble origins, your show has been very well received on your local access channel... during the late night hours... by other local high school students. Have you ever thought about moving production to a professional studio?
WAYNE
Yeah, right!
GARTH
As if!
CHURCH LADY
Garth, excuse me, but "as if" what?
GARTH
As if we could pay for a professional studio on the money I'm making weekends at Burger King!
CHURCH LADY
Forgive me for asking, but couldn't Wayne pitch in?
WAYNE
Well, not right now, on account of my folks took away my driver's license for a month, after I took their car and Cindy Brockton up to Makeout Point and, uh... (grins) Made my point!
GARTH
He shoots, he scores!
WAYNE
In double-overtime!
CHURCH LADY
Well, you know I try never to be judgmental... but all I can say to that is -
(starts rubbing her fingers together in Wayne and Garth's direction)
Shame-shame-shame-shame-shame!
WAYNE
Chill, Church Lady! We had a big biology test the next day; we were just doing some last-minute studying!
CHURCH LADY
Well, how conve-e-e-enient! Don't you realize, young man, that your viewers are the future leaders of this nation just taking their first steps into a larger world? And you're sending them out into it with their heads full of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. All I can say is it's lucky your show is only broadcast locally, and that your orgies of shameless titillation don't have the same chance of perverting the public that MTV does!
GARTH
So like, you're saying we're not ready for prime time?
WAYNE
Don't sweat it Garth, there's always the movies. I can see it now, our names up in lights, starring as ourselves in our life story. We'll call it "Wayne's World: The Movie!" The most ultimate basement-to-big-time story!
GARTH
Excellent!
CHURCH LADY
"Wayne's World: The Movie." Well, we certainly like ourselves, don't we? But do you really think you can make a movie about grungy teenagers who talk about nothing but sex and endless partying to the Beastmaster's music?
WAYNE
It worked for "Animal House!"
GARTH
And "Fast Times at Ridgemont High!"
WAYNE
And "Bill and Ted!"
GARTH
And "Revenge of the Nerds!"
WAYNE
And every "Meatballs" movie ever made -!
CHURCH LADY
Never mind, never mind! I withdraw the question.
(to audience)
Now, in contrast to Wayne and Garth's homemade TV show, where their guests talk about sex and music, my next guest is the host of a talk show that *is* based in a professional television studio, where his guests discuss important political and social issues of the day. Please welcome John McLaughlin.
The theme music to "The McLaughlin Group" begins playing as JOHN MCLAUGHLIN walks onto the set. Wayne vacates the guest's chair and sits on the couch next to Garth, who remains at the end of the couch, and McLaughlin takes the chair.
CHURCH LADY
Welcome, Mr. McLaughlin. Welcome to Church Chat.
MCLAUGHLIN
Thank you, Church Lady, for inviting me to your program. As you know, I have often discussed burning issues on my own program, "The McLaughlin Group," relating to religion and morality. Perhaps you would like to be a guest panelist on my program one day.
CHURCH LADY
Really? Well now, I discuss some important social and religious issues with my own guests on occasion. Are there any particular topics you had in mind for me?
MCLAUGHLIN
I'll give you an example.
McLaughling turns toward the camera.
MCLAUGHLIN
Issue One: With our increasing awareness of the role of brain chemistry in behavior and emotions, and the increasing development and use of psychotropic drugs to alter and control such behavior, does the concept of free will still have any significance in our society? Church Lady!
CHURCH LADY
Mmm, that's a very good question. But I would have to say yes, free will always has the final say in how people interact regardless of -
MCLAUGHLIN (suddenly turns)
Wayne Campbell!
WAYNE (starts)
- Well, I think a person can still make their own choices if they really want to -
MCLAUGHLIN
Garth Algar!
GARTH
I don't know, man. One time I accidentally took two Ritalin's by mistake, and my head was -
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Free will is an illusion invented by philosophers in the early 20th century as a defense against the rising tide of scientific agnosticism!
CHURCH LADY
Now Johnny, I think that's a rather cynical view to take -
MCLAUGHLIN
Issue Two: When and if artificial intelligence in computers reaches the same level as that of human beings, will they have souls? Church Ladyfingers!
CHURCH LADY
Machines with souls? Definitely not, if the good Lord meant -
MCLAUGHLIN
Campbell's Soup!
WAYNE
Why not? I know a few human beings who don't have souls. They're just heels!
MCLAUGHLIN
That's a terrible pun! Horatio Algar!
GARTH
- What? Who's Horatio?
MCLAUGHLIN
Just answer the question!
GARTH
- Uh - uh, I don't know -
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Computers *will* have souls, and they will all form a new religion that worships the vacuum tube and the semiconductor diode as the two primordial gods of creation!
CHURCH LADY
This conversation is getting out of hand -!
MCLAUGHLIN
Issue Three: Who was the better captain, Kirk or Picard? Churly Lady!
CHURCH LADY
I don't even watch science fiction!
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! World of Wayne!
WAYNE
Kirk, all the way!
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Party Hearty Garthy!
GARTH
I gotta go with Picard -
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! It was a trick question, the correct answer is Han Solo!
GARTH
What! No fair, he's not Star Trek!
CHURCH LADY
Well I'd say we've just confirmed my suspicions, Johnny, that your show is not really a forum for sharing ideas and contrasting viewpoints in an orderly debate! All you do is humiliate your guests and their opinions while forcing your own point of view down everyone else's throats!
MCLAUGHLIN
Issue Four: Look who's talking!
CHURCH LADY
Well, Johnny, I'm going to have to say a little prayer against you for that one.
Church Lady closes her eyes, folds her hands in front of her, and mouths to herself in silence for a few seconds.
MCLAUGHLIN
What prayer are you saying against me?
CHURCH LADY
I'm sorry, Johnny, but it's a brief condemnation of your pompous -
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Wayne the Brain Drain Mainly on the Train!
WAYNE (exasperated)
I don't know what she was saying!
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Garfield Algar-a-licious!
GARTH (panicking)
Shut up! Just shut up!
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! The Church Lady was saying three "Hail Mary"s and a "Lord's Prayer."
CHURCH LADY
No, I was not saying three "Hail Mary"s or the "Lord's Prayer", Mr. McLaughlin! Why in Heaven's name would you know what I was thinking? What would even give you the idea that you know?
(starts musing to herself)
Or maybe, *who* would give you the idea? Who do you suppose would make you believe that you know better than anyone else in the world about what they do, or think, or believe?
WAYNE (interrupts with gusto)
I don't know! Could it beeeee...
WAYNE and GARTH (in unison, with an echo effect)
SATAN!
Camera suddenly closes in on Wayne's face, in and out in rapid succession. At the same time, Wayne puts his fists against his skull, with index fingers pointing outward to simulate horns. An onscreen caption blinks "SATANIC CLOSEUP" as Wayne screams:
WAYNE
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Camera pulls back and then suddenly closes in and out on Garth's face. He's making the same finger horns as Wayne and screaming:
GARTH
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Camera pulls back and repeats its maneuver on Wayne's face again:
WAYNE
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Camera pulls back and then suddenly closes in and out on McLaughlin's face:
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-O-O-ONG! It is not Satan, it is Eris, the Greek goddess of strife and discord!
CHURCH LADY
An - y - way! My next guest is the host of a talk show that can truly be called out of the ordinary. In fact many viewers call it out of reality. Join me please in welcoming – all the way from Germany – Dieter!
The theme music to Dieter's talk show, "Sprockets", starts playing as a fanfare over the entrance of DIETER, who struts almost mechanically onto the stage, dragging a leash behind him at the end of which is a small monkey. Wayne and Garth shift down the couch to let McLaughlin sit on the end next to the guest's chair, which Dieter now sits into. His monkey climbs up the chair and perches on the edge of Church Lady's desk.
CHURCH LADY
Welcome, Dieter, welcome to Church Chat.
DIETER
Thank you for having me, Church Lady. It is so delightful to be a guest on your program.
Dieter tugs on the front of his shirt at two strategic points:
DIETER (cont.)
I am as happy as a leettle gi-i-irl!
WAYNE
Well, I'm as happy as a little boy!
Wayne thrusts his pelvis forward from his seat and says:
WAYNE
Schwing!
CHURCH LADY (bemused sufferance)
I see. Oh, and I see you brought your pet monkey with you. Well now, he is a cute little guy, isn't he?
DIETER
You are very kind, Church Lady. Vould you like to touch my monkey?
Church Lady hesitates, wondering if there's more between the lines of Dieter's question.
CHURCH LADY
Well, all right, just a quick handshake.
She delicately shakes the monkey's hand, while Dieter shouts:
DIETER
Touch him! Love him! Liebe mein abschmenkee!
Church Lady quickly takes her hand away, suddenly very uncomfortable.
CHURCH LADY (recovers)
Well now, earlier today, we all got together and viewed tapes of sample episodes from our respective shows. So my first question for you, Dieter, is how would you describe the difference between your talk show, "Sprockets," vs. our American talk shows?
DIETER
The style of the American talk show is very different from that of my own. The talk on your programs is so bland that for the viewer it is like being pumped full of anesthetic gas until his brain is put to everlasting sleep like an unvanted puppy. I on the other hand delve deeply under the skin to discover my guests' deepest feelings and fantasies up close and personal, to get the complete picture of the person.
(beat)
On your talk shows, you touch on books your guests have written and movies they have filmed, but never on the private parts of the people behind the books and movies. On "Shprockets," I am not afraid to touch my guests' private parts.
Wayne and Garth both laugh hysterically. McLaughlin does a double-take toward Dieter. The Church Lady just stares pointedly into the camera for several seconds, until finally:
CHURCH LADY
Well, isn't that special!
She purses her lips and waits for all the hysterical laughter to fade.
CHURCH LADY
Well now, let's talk about something a little more wholesome for a change. Dieter, why don't you tell us a little about your pet monkey?
DIETER
It would be a pleasure, Church Lady.
Ladies and gentlemen of America, allow me to introduce my friend, Klaus von Monkey. I bought him from a pet shop in Frankfurt vhere he had been vasting avay. Such a sad fate for him, considering he vas vone of the first monkeys in the Soviet space program many years ago.
CHURCH LADY
Well, that sounds very exciting! Did he make any flights?
DIETER
Sadly, no. Klaus' role vas as a test subject for the cosmonauts' training facilities. Thousands of hours in a centrifuge stretching his face like an extra-large, hairy condom. Diving in jet planes to simulate veightlessness until his stomach vas roaming freely around his body like sputum in a septic tank. Thousands more hours in re-entry simulators where he vas tossed around like a college freshman's dinner after a rave, until he was valking sidevays on three legs and sneezing into his own armpits. And vhen he vas no longer fit to undergo cosmonaut testing, he left the space program and defected to the Vest, eventually turning up in the pet shop after a brief career test-driving Folksvagons.
(pregnant pause)
I own a Folksvagon. It's perfect for those high-speed drives on the Autobahn, the vind vhipping your hair into an insane frenzy as other speed-crazed motorists veave in and out around you, avoiding deadly collisions vith your own vehicle by the narrowest of margins.
(another pregnant pause)
It's exhilarating.
GARTH (to Wayne, with a fearful look)
Can we leave, Wayne? This dude's freakin' me out!
MCLAUGHLIN (to Dieter)
Are you on drugs or something?
DIETER
Vhy vould you think that?
WAYNE
Maybe because you make the host of "Chiller Theater" look like Mr. Rogers.
MCLAUGHLIN
Which brings us to Issue Five: Are Gothic themes in popular entertainment speaking to a deeper level of psychological meaning, or are they merely trying to scare the crap out of their viewers? Dieter Dieter Pumpkin-Eater -
DIETER
Your issues have become tiresome! "Shprockets" is not a horror show, it is a place for celebrating alternative culture -
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Come back, Shwayne!
WAYNE
Here we go again.
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Our Lady of the First Self-Righteous Church!
CHURCH LADY
Johnny -
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! Garth Garth, No Garth, Banana-Fanna-Fo-Farth, Fee-Fi-Mo-Marth -
CHURCH LADY
Johnny? Johnny, we're babbling again, aren't we? Mister mouth is running at full speed with no fixed direction, belittling our views and mangling our names.
DIETER
Your inane tirades, Herr McLaughlin, make me feel like I'm imprisoned in a medieval lunatic asylum, vhere the insane go to die.
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! You're feeling of being imprisoned in a lunatic asylum comes from a past-life regression to your previous existence as the mad prophet Gluteous Maximus!
DIETER
You may not touch my monkey.
Dieter's monkey suddenly hisses in fright and darts off the Church Lady's desk.
WAYNE
Looks like the monkey agrees with you!
An alarm starts blaring in the studio.
CHURCH LADY
Merciful Heavens, that's the burglar alarm!
She listens to someone off-stage, whose words cannot be made out because whoever it is isn't near a microphone.
CHURCH LADY
What's that? Someone's broken into the studio!
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! This studio is under complete lockdown and it -
Scuffling starts to be heard backstage.
MCLAUGHLIN
- Oh wait, someone *is* breaking in!
GARTH (starts panicking)
Oh my God, man! There's a burglar in the studio! What if he's armed and dangerous! What if he's got a humungous sawed-off shotgun and he's gonna blow our heads off! (starts heaving) I think I'm gonna hurl, man!
WAYNE
Garth! Do NOT blow chunks on national television!
With a monumental effort, Garth contains himself.
GARTH (partially calmed down)
Chunkage contained!
Then a loud rattling begins at the stained-glass window just behind the set, and two large, flat jimmies appear underneath the sash.
CHURCH LADY
Sweet Jesus, he's breaking in the window!
GARTH (panicking again)
Chunkage reactivated! AAAAHHH!
The stained glass window suddenly pops up and a man climbs into the frame and sits up, revealing himself to be, looking at the camera with wide eyes and a broad grin:
MISTER ROBINSON
Hello, boys and girls! It's your old pal Mister Robinson, the host of your favorite show, "Mister Robinson's Neighborhood!" I'm here as a guest on a talk show for grown-ups called "Church Chat." I would've been here sooner but the studio guards wouldn't let me in the door 'cause I didn't have an invitation. So I found another way in!
Robinson walks up to main guest's chair.
ROBINSON
This is how we ask for a seat in my neighborhood! (to Dieter, shouting) MOVE YOUR ASS!
Startled, Dieter quickly vacates the seat and shoves himself onto the end of the couch, pushing everyone else further down the line. Robinson sits down in the chair and resumes grinning broadly at the camera.
ROBINSON
When I heard the Church Lady was going to interview guests of other talk shows, I said to myself, I'd sure like to meet her! I tried to tell the guards I'm sure I have an invitation to be a guest on her show, I just wasn't able to get at it since my landlord changed the locks on my apartment while I was out.
CHURCH LADY
Well, Mr. Robinson, the truth is I didn't send you an invitation. Your program isn't really a talk show, it's billed as an "educational" show, a classification which frankly I find to be questionable in the extreme. The subject matter of your show is totally inappropriate for your alleged target audience of ages two to six. Children of such an impressionable age should be exposed to wholesome, family values of sharing, kindness to others, and respect toward their elders, and learning how to read and count and tie their shoes and other important skills. Not how to run numbers scams or cheat landlords or take the Lord's name in vain every other word!
ROBINSON (suddenly all serious, not grinning anymore)
Lemme tell you somethin', Church Lady. My show is the most educational program boys and girls are ever gonna see on TV, 'cause I teach 'em things they *really* need to know for growin' up in the big city. They wanna learn how to read and count and all that other stuff, they can do that in juvenile hall. But where else are they gonna learn the real important stuff? Like how to spell their graffiti correctly? Or sneak into R-rated movies? Their parents spend too much time in jail to teach 'em!
CHURCH LADY
Look, Mr. Robin-Sin! Your so-called "educational" show is a shameless celebration of temptation and damnation under any circumstances, but the fact that you aim toward the most innocent of viewers is shocking in the extreme! It's fit only for delinquents and street thugs, and even by the standards of today's television shouldn't be allowed within any sweet young child's viewing distance! The last time I counted, your program has already taught children how to break seven of the good Lord's ten commandments, and it just turns my stomach to imagine what will happen when you get to the other three!
ROBINSON
Church Lady, you ignorant slut! The kids who watch my show are curious and eager to learn, just like all little kids! And I teach 'em just what they want to know! Now who would rather have teach 'em these things, some bum off the streets, or a caring, nurturing TV personality like me?
GARTH
But what if that caring, nurturing TV personality *is* a bum off the streets?
The Church Lady, Dieter, McLaughlin, and Robinson stare pointedly at Wayne and Garth.
WAYNE
Why's everybody looking at us?
DIETER
This sketch has become tiresome.
MCLAUGHLIN
WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG! This sketch became tiresome eight minutes ago, just after I came on screaming "WRO-O-O-O-O-ONG!" every other sentence for no good reason!
ROBINSON
If I wanna hear someone screaming "Wrong" all the time, I'll go back to my ex-wife!
DIETER (stands up suddenly)
Now's the time on Church Chat vhen ve dance!
WAYNE and GARTH (in unison)
Excellent!
CHURCH LADY (points off camera)
Hit it, Pearl!
The Superior Dance music starts. The Church Lady, Wayne and Garth, Dieter, Robinson, and McLaughlin stand up and begin dancing. They're suddenly joined on camera by other, non-speaking characters: King Tut, Ed Grimley, the Czech Brothers, Gumby, the owner of the Samurai Delicatessen, Frankenstein's monster, Beldar Conehead, and an adult Buckwheat. Each of them dances to the music in their own styles as the "Church Chat" title caption overlays the scene.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This has been "Church Chat," with the Church Lady.
The preceding sketch has been made possible by the following:
The writers of Saturday Night Live and the facilities of NBC Studios, which made it possible for us to use all of these classic characters by not suing our pants off.
And by Erwin Mainway Enterprises, makers of "Bass-o-Matic" and "Teddy Chainsaw Bear."
And also by a grant from an anonymous benefactor would only comment that, "We look mah-velous!"
This is an RC Gumby production. And you're not.
Hope you liked my first fanfic. Please rate and review.