Shame On Me
By Laura Schiller
Based on: Anna Karenina (2012)
Copyright: Leo Tolstoy's estate/Joe Wright
"(…) And the saddest fear comes creeping in: I knew you were trouble when you walked in,
that you never loved me - or her - or anyone - or anything …
so shame on me now.
Flew me to places I'd never been –
now I'm lying on the cold hard ground."
- Taylor Swift, "I Knew You Were Trouble"
How appropriate, Anna thinks as the train rolls in, that I happened to wear red. The blood won't even show. What an elegant corpse I shall make.
So it has come to this: the shrill whistle, the sooty-faced worker checking the wheels, the clouds of steam. It began with a train, so it may as well end with one. Did she know, somewhere deep in the back of her mind, that this would happen when she first saw Alexey Vronsky? Is that why those relentless iron wheels have been turning in her nightmares ever since?
Perhaps. She knew that he would ruin her one way or another, but she didn't care. She wanted, for once in her life, to be selfish: to waltz until she was dizzy, learn to smoke, drink wine in the morning, make love in the Italian sun. She had always come in second to her husband, after his career. For once, she wanted to come first.
She might have known that it would never last. All she had to do was see the heartbreak in Kitty's young face; hear the polite sarcasm between Alexey and his mother; taste his tears of remorse after riding Frou-Frou to her death. Intentionally or not, he destroys everything he loves. His is a love not worthy of the name.
Briefly, almost incidentally, she thinks of Princess Sorokina. How she hated that golden-haired china doll of a girl this morning, just for bringing documents to Alexey and letting him kiss her hand. Anna's mind has been tormented by the thought of them together, this virgin in white taking Anna's place in her lover's arms. But in this moment, Anna thinks of her with distant pity. When – if – he marries her, he will destroy her too.
Such an innocent-looking girl, like Kitty. She deserves better.
Unlike me.
So with a sign of the cross and one final muttered prayer, Anna Karenina prepares to board the train of no return. You will be sorry for this, were her last words to him. Little does he know how sorry he will be when he finds her, red silk and redder blood shining against the rusted railway tracks.