Friends episode: The One with Phoebe Being a Witch
(Ross, Chandler, Joey, Rachael, Monica, and Phoebe are in Monica's apartment sitting down)
ROSS: Phoebs, what are you looking at?
(Phoebe is holding about 20 envelopes of mail)
PHOEBE: (opening an envelope) Oh you know, I'm just going through my mail for the month.
ROSS: (looking confused) Phoebe…you only open your mail once a month?
PHOEBE: (looking at Ross confused at his confusion) I mean yeah, what am I supposed to do, open my mail the second it comes through the door like I was Chandler?..…(doing a chandler imitation) "ooooh, ooooh, I got mail! yipeee, let me open it right now to see who wanted to contact me!"
CHANDLER: (looking hurt) I don't say "yippee"…..
RACHEL: (looking at him consolingly) Oh honey, but the rest of it was pretty accurate.
PHOEBE: (yelling) Oh!
(Everyone looks startled by her yell)
PHOEBE: (yelling) Oh!
JOEY: Phoebs what's wrong?
PHOEBE: (yelling) Oh!
MONICA: honey, what is it?
PHOEBE: (pointing at the letter in her hand) This letter!
CHANDLER: (jumps up from the couch) See! I'm not the only one who gets excited about getting mail!
PHOEBE: It's from my coven!
ROSS: (looking confused) Your what?
PHOEBE: My witch coven!
ROSS: Wait…..your…..
MONICA: Phoebe are you a….
PHOEBE: (said quickly and bluntly) Yeah I'm a witch.
(Phoebe quickly gets up and walks to the refrigerator to get food)
(Everyone gets up and goes to follow her, hovering a few feet away from her while she has her head buried in the refrigerator)
(Phoebe pops her head out of the refrigerator with something in her hand and her body shivers at the abrupt sight of the gang crowding around her)
PHOEBE: (screams) Oh! You know it's probably not a good idea to startle a witch…you know…the whole turn you into a FROG thing! (classic Phoebe delivery)
(Phoebe starts to sit down on the kitchen table and puts down the bottle of vinegar, a bunch of basil leaves, a bunch of dill leaves, and an onion)
MONICA: (looking concerned) Honey what do you mean you're a witch?
CHANDLER: (deadpan) And what herd of rabbits do you plan on feeding THAT stuff to?
PHOEBE: First of all….can we stop it with all the third degree! (putting up her hands in indignation) You're all acting like this is the first witch you've ever met before.
RACHEL: Yeah well…..it kinda is (nodding to the rest)
ALL OF THEM: Yeah. (nodding their heads)
JOEY: (thinking really hard, looking up to the sky trying to remember) Well there was this girl I met a few weeks ago who was…..you know….
CHANDLER: Na, Joe. Phoebe's a WITCH….with a "W" (air writing the letter W)
JOEY: (smiling, shaking his head, now understanding) Ohhhhhhh….. Yeah, I've never met the one with a "W" before.
ROSS: (looking irritated) So Phoebe (in a mocking tone), what exactly are your witchly powers? (nervously laughs)
PHOEBE: (looking insulted) You know what Ross, I'm not gonna tell you guys about any of this. This is exactly why I've kept it a secret for the last 10 years.
MONICA: You've been a witch for 10 years!
JOEY: Lemme ask you, is that why Chandler can't find a girl?….you know because you put a curse on him?
(Chandler looks at Joey, insulted)
PHOEBE: No, that's just because he's…well you know…Chandler.
(Chandler looks at Phoebe, insulted)
RACHEL: But Phoebe…..what kinds of witchyyy stuff can you do? (looking very interested)
PHOEBE: (excitedly) Oh all sorts of things. You know on top of the stereotypical boring stuff like putting curses on people and giving people boils and rashes….we can also do a lot of really great stuff too, like heal people and bring people good fortune.
ROSS: (raising up his finger) Hold on. Curses?... Boils?... Healing people?! I am sorry Phoebe, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO scientific evidence to back up any of those claims.
PHOEBE: Well, you know what Ross, that's just YOUR opinion, and you're free to believe what you want. But I believe in the wiccan powers of a witch and you know…..this is just who I am. So if you really cared about me, you'd support me.
ROSS: Can you just name me one person who you've ever HEALED?
PHOEBE: Ok, sure. Joey, last Christmas.
MONICA: What did you heal?
PHOEBE: Well…..remember when he tried to put that little statue of Marilyn Monroe on top of the Christmas Tree….and then he fell off the chair and knocked his head on the table?
MONICA: Yeah….
PHOEBE: Yeah….well I used my witch powers to heal the bump on the back of his head. Here, go check (pointing)
JOEY: (checking the back of his head with his hand)…No bump. Whoa! (looking in awe, excited, and sticking up his thumb to Phoebe)
CHANDLER: Joe…..that bump healed like 6 weeks ago.
PHOEBE: (rolling her eyes) Yeah, you're welcome.
ROSS: I'm sorry Phoebe, but that doesn't prove ANYTHING. That was just the natural process of the body healing itself, not…wiccan powers.
PHOEBE: I mean, ok, was it also the "natural process of healing" when I cursed Joey to make him fall down in the first place?
JOEY: Hey! What's you do that for?!
MONICA: (irritated) Well, it might have had something to do with you comparing her boobs to the Marilyn Monroe statue!
JOEY: (eyes squinting trying to think back, remembers, then has a big smile on his face) Oh yeah….
ROSS: Look Phoebs, you know I love you, but there is absolutely no way that I can support you on this pseudoscientific…(trying to think of a word)…..MALARKY.
PHOEBE: Oh well….I guess this witch and her "malarky" (using air quotes) are not going to select you to be the male center for our witch coven ritual.
JOEY: (pushing Ross out of the way) Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this business about a male being in the center of a sex ritual?
PHOEBE: No Joey, it's not a sex ritual. The girls aren't going to do anything to you. They're just going to prepare a coven spell that will imbibe you with years of sexual success and good fortune.
CHANDLER: (pushing Joey out of the way) WHOA! I'll be the male center of that!
JOEY: (pushing Chandler out of the way) Well Chandler she-picked-me. So let's get these girls over here and LAY IT ON JOEY! (pointing to himself)
CHANDER: (from over Joey's shoulder) Oh common Phoebe, Joey doesn't need any help. (whining) Give me the years of sexual success! (smacking himself with his pointing finger)
PHOEBE: (laughing) Ok, Chandler, sweetie, I said I was a witch, you know, NOT JESUS. I can't do miracles, so it's gonna have to be Joey.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in coffee shop with Ross, Rachel, and Monica talking)
MONICA: Rachel, since when did you go on blind dates?
RACHEL: Well…you know….since I haven't actually gone out on a date with anyone for like 10 weeks, I figured, what the heck, I'll take a break from my super busy social life of you know….going to the coffee shop, and going to our apartment, and …oh god…do we go anywhere else?- (looking disgusted)
GUNTHER: (passes by quickly to say) to the gym.
RACHEL: yeah and going to the gym….wait (looks startled, turns around to look at Gunther who had already walked off to behind the counter).
RACHEL: You know, and I thought well there really isn't any reason for me to avoid going on blind dates.
ROSS: (looking angry and concerned) Oh, there are PLENTY of reasons to be concerned. I mean…. I mean…..do you know what kinds of freaks…and SICKOS there are out there?
MONICA: You mean like the ones who keep a poster of a buxom Jessica Rabbit in their bedroom until they were EIGHTTEEN?!
ROSS: (looking embarrassed, looks up to the ceiling then back down to Monica) Ok, that wasn't a JESSICA RABBIT poster, that was a poster of the CLASSIC movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
MONICA: (moving in closer to Ross) and does that also explain why mom caught you kissing that poster?
ROSS: (looks at Rachel, back to Monica, and then in a hysterical high pitch voice) MONICA!
RACHEL: Look, I'm just really tired of being alone right now. I mean, I know I have you guys and that's great, it's really great, but you know, I'm a young .…..VIRILE woman, and I just…need something more right now.
MONICA: (sniggering) Yeah, ha, (turning her head to the side, speaking in low volume) you just want someone to take your flower….
RACHEL: (looking at Monica pathetically) Oh Monica, you're 27 years old now, I really think you need to stop calling it that. (reflecting for a moment) And we are wayyyyy past the point of my flower being available for the taking (laughing loudly for a moment, then looking at the look on Ross's face and shifting from laughing to coughing)
ROSS: So what's this creep's name?
RACHEL: Well my friend Roxanne is the one who is setting us up, and the guy is a family friend of hers. (pauses for a moment) His name is Paul.
ROSS: Paul…paul…..paul (thinking hard). Well, you know, I think I heard a news story about a Paul, wasn't he the one who flashed all those Columbia students in Central Park last week?
MONICA: Nah, honey, you're thinking of Joey.
ROSS: (shrugs) Oh…yeah….
RACHEL: All I know is Roxanne said he's really cute, he's single….. and (looking excited) he recently got a really BIG inheritance.
MONICA: (eagerly) How big?
RACHEL: (with a big smile) I don't know exact figures, but Roxanne said it was REALLY big. (her smile becomes wider)
MONICA: (becoming excited) Oh my….. (dabbing her forehead with the napkin next to her coffee)
ROSS: (interrupting angrily) Ok, I don't think we need to hear any more about this Paul person.
MONICA: Where is he taking you Rach?
RACHEL: Well…actually I asked him to come over our apartment, and I would make him dinner.
MONICA: You're going to… cook?
RACHEL: …takeout. Yeah, I'm gonna order some Hunan Village and pretend I made it. But….you know, I'm gonna make the…the lemonade, and…..and maybe some of those cinnamon buns that come in a can.
ROSS: (mocking) Oh boy! Lemonade and cinnamon buns! Do you think you'll do any coloring in the play room too!?
RACHEL: (sassily smiling and showing off) Well, if I decide to go to the play room, I can tell you….. we won't be coloring (winks at Ross).
(Gunther pops up to take the gang's empty cups and starts shaking his head disapprovingly at Rachel exactly in sync with Ross shaking his head)
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in Rachel and Monica's apartment, where Rachel can be seen throwing away cartons of Hunan Village Chinese food into the trash can)
RACHEL: (nervously racing around the room, setting things up) Ok….ok…I've got my Chinese food, I've got my cinnamon buns in the oven - WHICH- will be done in 2 minutes and 30 seconds, I've got my lemonade, my Chianti wine, and…..OH! The Candles!
MONICA: I think they're near the extra towels.
RACHEL: (with nervous energy) Right! Right! Near the extra towels! I will go to the extra towels. I will get the candles from the place that has the extra towels!
RACHEL: (Rachel races into her bedroom, then after a moment pops her head out, looking adorably helpless) And where exactly are the extra towels….?
MONICA: (pointing) Bathroom.
(Rachel races away to the bathroom and closes the door)
MONICA: (moves closer to Ross on the couch to whisper) come on Ross, you've got to tell her how you feel.
ROSS: (speaking in low volume looking utterly depressed) I can't do that Mon. She….she doesn't want to get involved with me. She deserves someone…. someone amazing…..someone who can make her happy…..someone who can make her excited just from the thought of spending time together.
(Rachel pops her head out of the bathroom door)
RACHEL: Should I use the blue ones or the red ones?
MONICA: The red ones.
RACHEL: Yehhyey! (super excited, she jumps up and down, and goes back into the bathroom)
ROSS: (sighs, looking even more depressed) Like that…..
ROSS: (he gets up from the couch) I guess maybe this Paul guy is the man for her….look I gotta get outa here.
MONICA: Ross, she hasn't even met this Paul yet. For all we know he could be a total loser dweeb and she'll get rid of him after one date.
ROSS: (looking at the ground) Yeah sure…..
(A loud knock came from the already half way open door, as an Italian man with a dozen roses walks into the room. His face comes into view and they see its Paolo, the foreign Italian guy who had cheated on Rachel the last time they were together. )
(SCENE ENDS)
(Rachel and Monica are sitting on the coach next to each other with Monica hugging and consoling a crying Rachel)
RACHEL: (talking while crying) This is my life. I put myself out there, I make myself vulnerable, get super excited, and boom (crying even harder and her voice becomes high pitched) it turns out that PAUL was just PAOLOOOOO. (she buries her face on Monica's shoulder)
MONICA: It's ok sweetie, you couldn't have known your blind date would end up being that creep.
ROSS: (speaking in a low voice to the ground) well if you had listened to me-
MONICA: (interrupting Ross in a singsong way) Shut-up-Ross!
RACHEL: (brings up her head) It's just that…(in a desperate tone) something ALWAYS goes wrong when I try to look for love you know? Like this…..this is just one rotten thing after so many other rotten things before. Like Barry…poor Barry might have been the best relationship I've ever had…..(starting to cry again) and I didn't even love him.
MONICA: (stroking Rachel's hair) Sweetie, it'll be fine.
(A loud ding comes from the oven)
RACHEL: (looking suddenly excited) Ooooo my cinnamon buns! (looking at Monica pleadingly) Could you get my cinnamon buns out of the oven and give me the one with pink frosting?
MONICA: Of course sweetie (getting up)
(As Monica walks over to the oven she turns around to Ross and motions for him to go to Rachel to comfort her. Ross looks over to Rachel and feels awkward and hesitant. Then a resigned look appears on his face and he gets up to sit next to her)
ROSS: (awkwardly and not looking straight at her) Hey.
RACHEL: (through tears and in a more calm and sweet voice) Hey.
(Ross pauses for a moment not knowing what to say)
RACHEL: (in a sweet voice) I'm really sorry Ross, to have put you through all this. (with a small laugh) I know it must have been REALLY annoying listening to me complain and cry about my pathetic love life.
ROSS: (he finally turns to look at her straight on and speaks in a firm serious tone) I don't think it's pathetic at all.
RACHEL: (she turns to him and her voice becomes more innocent) You don't?
ROSS: No. No I don't. In fact, you know what? I think it's actually really great.
(Rachel turns her head and slumps resigned downward)
ROSS: No, I do, I really do. I think it's really great that you….you PUT YOURSELF out there…..that you….you let yourself get hurt…..so that maybe, JUST MAYBE, after all the bad apples and ITALIAN GUYS….you find the right guy.
RACHEL: Yeah?
ROSS: The PERFECT guy. A guy that makes you smile (Ross mimics a smile on his face , trying to guide Rachel to smile, and she then smiles). A guy that makes you feel safe. And most importantly, a guy that will NEVER, EVER make you cry.
(Rachel looks at him straight on and then hugs him intensely)
RACHEL: (while in the middle of the hug, looking over Ross's shoulder) Ross, you always know what to say to make me feel better. And I really think that you're going to make some woman out there very happy someday.
ROSS: (while in the middle of the hug, looking over Rachel's shoulder, sounding depressed) Yeah. Some woman out there…
(SCENE ENDS)
(Ross and Rachel's hug stops and Ross gets up)
ROSS: Alright, I guess I'm gonna head out now.
(An explosion can be heard from across the hall)
MONICA: (looking startled) What was that?!
ROSS: I….I think it came from Joey's apartment.
(Ross, Monica, and Rachel walk out of the apartment and move toward Joey's apartment. Monica knocks on the door.)
(A scantily clad woman with dark hair and dark mascara opens the door)
MYSTERY WOMAN: (in an ethereal whisper) May I help you?
MONICA: Um…yeah….can I speak to Joey or Chandler?
(Monica looks inside the apartment and sees Chandler and Joey sitting on the kitchen stools staring at 2 girls who were dancing outside of Joey's bedroom)
MONICA: (sounding shocked) Chandler? Joey? What is going on here?
(Joey and Chandler turn around and see them and then turn back to looking at the dancing girls)
CHANDLER: (in a robotic monotone) Phoebe's coven came here to do ritual.
(Monica, Ross, and Rachel walk into the apartment. They see that there are candles all around, the light is dim, and there is a bizarre music coming from Joey's bedroom)
RACHEL: (looking confused) Are they doing the ritual in there (pointing at Joey's bedroom)?
JOEY: (his eyes still hypnotized on the dancing girl, he spoke in a fatigued, lethargic drawn-out voice) Yeahhhhhh…
RACHEL: But I thought they were going to the ritual on you?
JOEY: (in fatigued voice) Nooo…I dropped out…..
MONICA: Why did you drop out?
CHANDLER: (in robotic monotone) Found out- 50% chance- junk fall off- if planets not correctly aligned.
RACHEL: (startled) Then who is in there?
(Rachel, Ross, and Monica walk closer to Joey's room and look inside. They see Paolo on Joey's bed in boxers covered with blackened flower petals, surrounded by 6 girls including Phoebe who were chanting some weird language)
PAOLO: (noticing them at the door) Ahhhhhh, Rachel! Ross! Stiamo facendo un rituale per la salute! (looking at their confused expression) Ahhhh, (in a thick Italian accent) we…do….ritual…for the….for the….how you say, health of the pee pee!
MONICA, RACHEL, ROSS: Ahhhh! (mockingly his Italian accent)
ROSS: (looking up to the ceiling, putting his hands together in prayer form) Please planets, please DO NOT be aligned correctly! PLEASE planets, I BEG of you.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are in Monica's apartment)
MONICA: Phoebe, why would you even agree to switch the ritual to being on Paolo? The last time you saw him he grabbed your ass while you were giving him a massage.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, we didn't do the Sexual Fortune ritual on Paolo. No, we switched it at the end.
RACHEL: Well what did you switch it to?
PHOEBE: We did the shrinkage ritual instead. We usually use it on like dead bodies that we're about to send off to the afterlife to you know make sure everything is packed up and ready to go. But if you use that ritual on a living person, oh, well, let's just say Paolo's next girlfriend is going to be very disappointed in his little Paolo.
(Everyone laughed)
ROSS: Thanks Phoebs.
RACHEL: Yeah, thanks Phoebs. I can't believe that creep thought he could date me again. You know, sometimes I just think I'm cursed to never be with anyone good.
PHOEBE: (eying Rachel and Ross) I dunno, I think things will turn out better for you Rach. Don't tell anyone, because, technically we're not supposed to interfere with you know- MORTALS-, but my coven sent some good fortune your way to bring you closer to your destined true love.
RACHEL: Ahh thanks, that's so sweet of you Phoebs. But how will I know him when I meet him? I mean how will I know it's my destined true love?
PHOEBE: Well it's an ancient Wiccan saying- "to find true love you must trust your heart and to trust your heart you must open your eyes to what is in front of you."
(Phoebe glances at Ross who is sitting inches from Rachel)
(EPISODE ENDS)