Friends episode: The One When Ross was Cool
(Chandler barges through the door of his apartment)
CHANDLER: (looks at Ross in a panic) Dude! She's back!
ROSS: (confused) Who's back?
CHANDLER: SHE'S back.
ROSS: (dramatically) Huh?
CHANDLER: Dude. (looking at him annoyed) The only 2 days you were ever cool- IN- your whole life. (in classic Chandler delivery)
ROSS: (jumping from his seat) CHERIE?!
CHANDLER: CHERIE!
JOEY: Cherry? Look, that better be in a pie, cuz I'm too hungry to listen to any of this!
ROSS: Joey, Cherie is a PERSON. And she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me in college.
ROSS: (trying to look suave but failing) Joey, I was cool once.
JOEY: (looking interested) Now when you say "once", do you mean like when the caveman created fire or you know back when the dinosaurs weren't just on that island?
(Ross looks annoyed)
CHANDLER: No Joe, you don't understand. When this thing happened. Everyone ADOREDD Ross. Everyone LOVEDD Ross. Everyone wanted to BEEE Ross.
JOEY: Now when you say "Ross" (uses air quotes), that's not some sort code word, for, you know, "Anyone BUT Ross" (uses air quotes again)?
ROSS: I'll never forget it….. (looking wistful, FLASHBACK SEQUENCE STARTS):
(Scene is set in Chandler and Ross's old college, name isn't shown. In Ross's freshmen dorm room stands Ross, Ross's dad Jack Geller, and Ross's mom Judy Geller. Ross has shaggy curly hair, an 80's mustache, and he's wearing an obnoxiously colorful tracksuit.)
JACK GELLER (ROSS'S DAD): (looking stern) Now son, I don't want you partying too hard. You know I'm paying big money for you to get an education.
ROSS: (acting child-like) Ah Dad. You know I'm only here to get an education. I wanna be a paleontologist someday.
(Jack comes closer to Ross, whispers in his ear)
JACK GELLER: (quietly) Tell the girls you're a 22 year old medical student, focus on the less attractive one, and ask her to your room after she's had her 6th drink. (slaps him on the shoulder)
(Ross looks excited)
JACK GELLER: (sneakily) Here, take these. (Jack puts a 20 pack of condoms in Ross's pocket, looking as if he's hugging him)
JUDY GELLER (ROSS'S MOM): (turns around, having been distracted with unpacking) Oh what a wonderful moment! (seeing Jack and Ross in a hug) Oh the two of you. Giving him some fatherly advice Jack? Oh, where's the camera, I want to capture this moment.
ROSS: Ah mom, don't. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't want to take anymore geeky family pictures.
JUDY GELLER: Monica dear, have you seen my camera? Monica?
(Judy goes outside the door to see an overweight young Monica using the camera to take pictures of two male students in towels who had just come out of the bathroom)
JUDY GELLER: Monica!
JUDY GELLER: (turning to Jack) Jack, I told you a college campus was no place for a high school girl!
JACK GELLER: Judy, unless you think she's gonna eat their ramen supplies, what are you afraid is going to happen?
JUDY GELLER: Ok, now everyone get around for a picture.
JUDY GELLER: (looking at Monica with embarrassment) Oh dear, do put those back.
(Monica throws back a pair of men's boxers into the hamper in the hallway)
(The family starts gathering around for a picture)
JACK GELLER: Get one of the students to take the picture Judy.
JUDY GELLER: (looking out the door) Oh, dear. (spotting someone in the hall) Hi, dear, I was wondering if you could be an absolute doll and take a family photo for us? (warmly)
FEMALE VOICE: Sure.
(The female student from the hall walks into the room.)
(An extremely beautiful girl with long flowing light brown hair comes in the room. Ross jaw drops as he stares at her. The scene plays the song "I've had the time of my life", from the movie Dirty Dancing, as she walks into the room in slow motion. Camera gets closer to Ross's face that turns slightly to the left.)
MONICA: Oh my god Ross, are those condoms in your pocket!
(Music stops)
ROSS: (extremely nervous) What? No! These are just my….my….(getting high pitched and whiny) MONICA!
(The girl laughs)
GIRL: Ok. Everyone say cheese!
EVERYONE: Cheese! (everyone but Ross smiles)
(The girl takes the picture of the Geller family)
JUDY GELLER: Thank you dear.
GIRL: My pleasure. So what is your handsome son's name?
JUDY GELLER: This stud here? This is Ross Geller.
JACK GELLER: (coming from behind Ross, putting his hands on his shoulders) Watch out for this one, he's a heartbreaker!
JUDY GELLER: Ross dear, say hello to this lovely young woman who is going to be one of your new hall mates.
ROSS: (quietly) Hey… (avoiding eye contact)
CHERIE: HI. My name is Cherie. Cherie Tapper. (looking at Ross with interest)
CHERIE: So Ross….what do you like to do for fun?
ROSS: (still avoiding eye contact) Well…you know, I play guitar, you know like my idol Van Halen.
CHERIE: Cool! I love Van Halen. Think you can play me one of his songs? (smiling)
MONICA: Oh common Ross, do please play one of his songs! (mocking interest)
ROSS: Oh….you know I would, but you know, the orientation leader said we can't play loud music after 5pm so….
CHERIE: Oh my god that's so adorable! I'll bet you don't drink either because you have to be 21?
ROSS: (now starting to look at her) I mean, no, I drink. (awkwardly laughing) At my bar mitzvah I had like- THREE shots- of vodka. So yeah…(again losing eye contact)
CHERIE: (smiling) So Ross, maybe tomorrow, you can play me some Van Halen. (said quietly) And maybe we can get a kegger in here.
ROSS: (awkwardly laughs) Yeah, absolutely. Sounds…..…..bitchin. (quickly turns around and silently curses himself for sounding stupid)
(Cherie leaves the room)
JUDY: (looking at Ross) Dear, we're going to get the rest of your stuff from the car.
ROSS: Yeah ok…
(Judy, Jack, and Monica leave the room)
(Suddenly a head pops in view from the door. It was a young freshman Chandler, with a huge "U" shaped hair style)
CHANDLER: Dude!
ROSS: Yeah? (surprised by the stranger popping in)
CHANDLER: Dude!
ROSS: Yeah?
(Chandler now pops fully into the room, and he is wearing an obnoxious white suit with a purple buttoned down shirt and a white tie with purple polka dots)
CHANDLER: HOW did you get that hot girl Cherie Tapper to hang out with you?
ROSS: (giggling nervous) I mean nothing special, I hang out with hot girls all the time. (Ross fumbles the guitar in his hands and nearly drops it)
CHANDLER: Right on. Right on. (pumping his fist)
CHANDLER: I'm Chandler by the way. (stretching his hand out to shake)
ROSS: (politely) Hi Chandler, I'm Ross. Ross Geller.
CHANDLER: Right on. Right on.
CHANDLER: So Ross, what'd you come to college to study, you know besides girls! (nervous Chandler laugh)
ROSS: Well actually I was thinking of becoming a paleontologist.
CHANDLER: What is that like…studying pale white people?
(Ross laughs in a high pitched single creak, followed by Chandler's short "HA", followed by another Ross high pitched creak, followed by another Chandler short "HA")
ROSS: So you came here with your parents Chandler?
CHANDLER: (getting nervous) No…no, you know, I'm an adult now. I moved out all on my own.
(Chandler's mother Nora Bing pops into the door in a low cut dress showing a large amount of cleavage)
NORA BING: Chandler dear, where would you like me to put your underwear? (showing a big pile of underwear that look like they are for a small child)
CHANDLER: (putting his hand over his face avoiding eye contact) Well…I don't know strange lady….you can put them wherever you would like.
NORA BING: (smiling) No problem sweet heart, I'll put them by the box of condoms and whip cream I bought you. (she walks out)
ROSS: Whoa. (reacting to her low cut dress)
(Chandler smacks Ross, but still doesn't make eye contact with him)
ROSS: No, it's ok, my parents got me protection too. Here look.
(Ross pulls out the box of condoms to show Chandler. Chandler pulls one individual condom out and reads it)
CHANDLER: "Extra small"?
(Just at that moment, Cherie Tapper comes back in Ross's room, this time accompanied by her two parents Mr. and Mrs. Tapper)
CHERIE: Oh...Ross…..and Chandler. Oh, ok. (looking at the condom, looking at the two of them) You know. (awkwardly smiling) That's nice….I'm…I'm happy for you two.
CHANDLER: (looking at the condom and realizing what she's realizing) WHOA! NO!
(Chandler tosses the condom to Ross. Ross tosses the condom back to Chandler. And they smack it back and forth between each other until it drops to the floor)
ROSS: (extreme nervous laughter) We weren't. No. We were just. I was just showing him something.
CHANDLER: YOU MEAN SHOWING ME NOTHING!
CHERIE'S MOTHER: Oh dear, they are very liberal in this college Winston. (turning to her husband)
CHERIE'S FATHER: (looking serious) I told you we should have sent her to Notre Dame.
(Cherie's parents leave the room)
(Cherie comes to sit down between Ross and Chandler)
CHERIE: Look. It's ok. I'm a really open minded person. I celebrate your people.
CHANDLER: (jumping up from the bed) WELL I HOPE you mean the "Van Halenites". Because I don't belong to ANY OTHER PEOPLE!
CHERIE: Ohhhh, you like Van Halen too. That's so cool. Ross was about to play me some Van Halen tomorrow. Do you play any instruments Chandler?
CHANDLER: (quickly sitting back down) Are you kidding. I play everything!
CHERIE: Well do you play any of them good?
CHANDLER: Uhhh, YEAHH (nodding his head). In fact, I'll bet you didn't know that Ross and I are in a band.
CHERIE: NO. WAY.
CHANDLER: Yep. It's called. (turning around, his face scrunches trying to think of name). It's called…..Waaaaaaaa…(hoping a name would pop out of his mouth)….Waiiiiiiiiiiii (trying to think of something)
ROSS: (looking disgusted) No "Waiiiiii" (not liking where Chandler was going with it)
CHERIE: Oh my god, that's so cool, "Way No Way." I love it. I bet you guys rock.
CHANDLER: Oh we're the coolest.
ROSS: Yeah, we're kinda like legends back home.
(Cherie gets up and she kisses Ross on the cheek)
CHERIE: Well I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow.
(She walks out of the room)
(Ross and Chandler both collapse back on the bed in shock about the kiss and tomorrow's plans. They clasp hands in solidarity)
(Cherie's mom Mrs. Tapper pop back into the room just then)
MRS. TAPPER: Cherie dear, do you know where you want-
(Mrs. Tapper spot Ross and Chandler on the bed and she freezes on the spot)
MRS. TAPPER: (looking embarrassed) ….do try to show a little discretion and close the door won't you?
(Mrs. Tapper leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Ross and Chandler break their clasped hands and go to the opposite sides of the room, avoiding eye contact)
CHANDLER: Alright (looking at the wall). So, I'll see you tomorrow at band practice. (agitated and loud)
ROSS: (looking at the other wall) Yep. See you then. (high pitched and loud)
(Chandler races out of the room)
(MEMORY SEQUENCE OVER)
(Back in present day Chandler's apartment with Ross and Joey. Joey is sitting on his recliner chair. Chandler is sitting on the other recliner chair and Ross is sitting on the arm of Chandler's recliner)
(Joey is nodding his head in understanding)
JOEY: I thought this was gonna be a story about Ross being cool, but now I get it. It was a story about you two.
ROSS AND CHANDLER: huh?
JOEY: NO, NO! I get it. Who knows you two better than Joey, huh? Common. Both of you are single, right?
ROSS AND CHANDLER: Yea…
JOEY: Ross has messed up, what, 5 marriages so far? And Chandler, what like 6 relationships with Janice?
ROSS AND CHANDLER: (lowering their heads) Yea….
JOEY: So that settles it. Chandler and Ross. Ross and Chandler. That's meant to be.
(Ross and Chandler jump off the chair they had been sharing)
CHANDLER: JOEY, we're NOT gay!
ROSS: So not gay.
CHANDLER: (panicking) And I'd like to think that if I WERE gay, I could get a guy WAY better than him! (pointing at Ross)
ROSS: Look Joey, my story isn't finished yet. The next day me and Cherie hung out…..(looking wistful)… I'll never forget it. (FLASHBACK SEQUENCE STARTS):
(In Ross's freshman dorm room stands Ross and Chandler one day after the last flashback. Ross is wearing an orange tank top and black leather pants. Chandler is wearing a yellow jacket with black zebra stripes and torn up light blue jeans. They're both holding their guitars)
CHANDLER: Dude! We stink!
ROSS: (being very optimistic) No Chandler, we just need to practice more.
CHANDLER: Cherie is coming over in- LIKE- 5 minutes (Chandler delivery) and we can't even play ONE stinkin Van Halen song.
ROSS: Well whose idea was it to tell her we were in a band!
CHANDLER: I dunno! You know, sometimes I just SAY STUFF ok! Like when I'm nervous, I'll just say- (Cherie walks into the room at that exact moment)- Ross and I are putting on a concert today!
CHERIE: Oh my god that's so amazing! Where's it going to be?
CHANDLER: (turning to Ross) Yeah Ross, where's it going to be?
ROSS: Oh yeah (nervous snort laugh). Well, we got booked. Oh boy, it's a huge gig. Yeah, we got booked for theeee… College Quad in like….15 minutes.
CHERIE: AWESOME. I'm gonna go tell everyone in the hall to come!
(Cherie exits the room)
CHANDLER: (turns to Ross angrily) Dude! In 15 minutes!?
ROSS: (hysterically high pitched) WELL YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SAYS STUPID STUFF WHEN THEY'RE NERVOUS!
CHANDLER: (slapping his hands together, pacing the room) Ok. OK. So we've got our first gig in 15 minutes. On the quad. In front of oh just about- THE WHOLE SCHOOL! (Chandler delivery)
(Chandler starts walking out of the room)
ROSS: Chandler where are you going?
CHANDLER: The only place I can go. I'm dropping out of college AND going home.
(Ross runs to him and pulls him back into the room. Ross puts his forehead to Chandler's forehead and speaks to him)
ROSS: Would Edward Lodewijk Van Halen drop out of college?
CHANDLER: Who?
ROSS: Chandler, ROCK STARS don't give up. Rock stars don't quit.
CHANDLER: Yeah, you're right. You're right! We just have pretend to be rock stars.
CHANDLER: (pausing for a moment, then pumping his fist) Rock on.
(Ross pulls out a speaker and a stereo)
CHANDLER: (looking at the equipment) Alright, so we've got everything we need (nodding his head hyperactively). Ok.
(Chandler sees Ross put a Van Halen CD in the stereo)
CHANDLER: (looking right and left)…..So we're totally going to lip sync this sucker aren't we?
(Ross grabs all the equipment and starts to move out the door)
ROSS: Yeah. (walks out the door)
CHANDLER: Ok. (runs along to follow Ross out the door)
(Scene flashes to being outside on the quad, there are almost 50 people standing in front of the small stage. Ross and Chandler are on stage with their guitars. Ross turns the stereo and speaker on and the Van Halen song "Hot for Teacher" comes on real loud. Chandler starts to pretend to play guitar and pretend to sing in the microphone. Ross then goes to follow him in the lip syncing)
(The crowd starts to get really into it and some even bring out lighters, waving them back and forth)
(As soon as they hit the apex of the song, the crowd starts to sing with them, and then Cherie rushes onto the stage and starts to dance on Ross. The crowd goes nuts seeing this. She then kisses Ross on the lips, kissing him for about a minute. She then pulls back from the kiss, pulls her shirt up and flashes him and the crowd. Ross proceeds to faint at that exact moment.)
(MEMORY SEQUENCE OVER)
(Back in present day, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are sitting in Chandler's apartment)
JOEY: Wowwww…..Ross you WERE cool. (smiling)
JOEY: So let me ask you. (Joey mimes cupping his breasts, nodding his head, trying to ask Ross whether or not Cherie had big breasts)
ROSS: (giggling) Yeah…
CHANDLER: Every girl thought that Ross was a. ROCK. GOD. Plus we told them that he passed out because of all the drugs.
(Joey nods)
JOEY: So what happened to you and Cherie afterward. You start dating? Start doing da boom boom?
CHANDLER: Joe I did say Ross was only cool for 2 days right.
(Ross sulks)
ROSS: Apparently when she had flashed me, the Dean of the school was giving a tour to some Japanese donors. So when they saw Cherie flashing everyone, she got punished. (looking depressed) She got kicked off main campus. I never saw her again…
JOEY: Ahhh, that's a bummer man.
ROSS: (looking wistful and nostalgic) I searched for her for the next 4 years of college, but I never found her. You know, because there were like 45,000 undergrad at our college.
JOEY: (confused) Where DID you guys go to college?
ROSS: We went to-
CHANDLER: (interrupting) Look Ross, Cherie is BACK. And if you don't take this opportunity now, you're gonna regret it for the REST of your life.
ROSS: Yeah, you're right. You're right. This is….this is destiny.
JOEY: (smiling, offering one from his pocket) Need to borrow a condom?
ROSS: Thanks Joey, but I'll have you know that since college, I've gained a lot more experience and I carry my own protection now.
JOEY: (smile growing bigger) Still use the "extra small"s?
ROSS: (getting high pitched, yelling) THAT- was just a MISTAKE!
(SCENE ENDS)
(Ross, Chandler, and Joey are in the coffee shop Central Perk, near the door, staring at a woman who is on the couch. The woman is beautiful, curvaceous, and has long light brown hair and tan skin)
ROSS: (staring) Whoa.
CHANDLER: (staring) Nice.
JOEY: (shocked) And she kissed YOU?!
CHANDLER: (turning to Ross) Are you ready Ross?
ROSS: I mean I dunno. It's been so long. What if she doesn't remember me?
CHANDLER: (mystically) You have to BELIEVE.
ROSS: (repeating it to himself like a mantra) I have to BELIEVE …..I have to BELIEVE …oh no I don't believe. (turns around)
CHANDLER: (grabbing Ross) Ross. Ross, did Indiana- JONES- doubt himself when he walked across that cavern in The Last Crusade?
ROSS: (turning to Chandler) Well actually that movie was rife with archeological inaccuracies-
JOEY: (cuts Ross off, pushs him forward) Alright, alright, poindexter, now go be a rock god again!
(Ross is 10 feet closer to Cherie, but then he turns back around to look at Joey and Chandler, pleading to let him quit)
CHANDLER: (pumps his fist like when he was in college) Right on!
(Ross shivers his body, collects his resolve and goes up to Cherie on the couch)
ROSS: (sits down) Hi. (instantly looks down at the floor)
(Cherie looks from side to side not sure where the sound came from)
ROSS: (looks up at her and says in a high pitch voice) Hi. (looks at the ground again)
(Cherie finally looks at him)
CHERIE: Oh my god, is that….Ross Geller?
ROSS: (Ross looks up) Yeah! It's me (nervously laughing) Ross Geller. And you are…what was it…..Cherie Tapper?! (shaking his head from side to side as if he just remembered)
CHERIE: Yeah! Oh my god. It's been so long. How are you doing?
ROSS: Oh well, you know. Doing ok. I'm…. I'm sort of a big time paleontologist now, but you know….no big deal. How about you, what are..what are you doing these days?
CHERIE: Oh, I'm a sort of….. into customer service now. Yeah.
ROSS: Oh that's cool, you mean like telemarketing and stuff?
CHERIE: Ahhhhh not quite. Have you ever heard of the "girlfriend experience"?
ROSS: (laughing) I mean yeah, that's like a prostitution thing. (realizing she does it). Oh, OH!
CHERIE: Yeahh….look I know it's hard for most people to accept, much less my religious parents, but I actually really enjoy it. And you know what Ross, I really have you to thank for it.
ROSS: Me? Why me?!
CHERIE: Well when I flashed you on that stage in our freshman year, remember, you and that dorky friend of yours Chandler Bang I think, you guys were playing your guitars on the quad. Well, I got kicked off campus, and so I had to find an apartment. My parents were furious with me for having acted so sinful, so they refused to pay for my off campus apartment. I had to either get a loan or find a job to pay for it. One thing led to another and I sort of got roped up into this whole call girl thing.
ROSS: (looking terrible) Oh my god, I am so sorry. I can't believe I did that to you.
CHERIE: No Ross, don't worry about it. In fact it turned out to be a great thing. I love what I do, I really do. And the pay is really great (smiling warmly).
(Ross frantically looks toward Chandler and Joey at the other side of the coffee shop near the door. Chandler and Joey give him a thumbs up)
ROSS: (high pitched and nervous laughing) Could you give me just one second….just one tinee tiny second (making a tiny hand gesture with his finger and thumb).
(Cherie nods. Ross gets up walks faux smoothly around the couch then races toward Chandler and Joey)
CHANDLER: (confused) So…..WHAT HAPPENED?!
ROSS: (looking depressed) She's a call girl now Chandler…..she said she specializes in giving the "girlfriend experience"
CHANDLER: (puts his hands on his cheeks) OH. MY. GOD. She's a prostitute? (smacking Ross on the chest) She's a prostitute!
JOEY: (looking curious) How much do you think she would charge to give the "Joey experience"? (nodding his head smiling)
ROSS: (looking devastated and looking back at Cherie) I can't believe what I did to that poor girl's life. I destroyed her whole future. And for what? All so she could make out with some guy with a guitar. (suddenly yelling) DAMN ME FOR BEING SO SEXY!
JOEY: So what are you going to do?
ROSS: Well…..I'm gonna go over there and convince her that….that there's so much more to her than this whole call girl thing. There's so much more that she can offer this world.
CHANDLER: Good luck Ross.
ROSS: (depressed, looking at Chandler, quietly) Thanks man.
(Ross walks over to Cherie again. He sits down in the chair next to her)
ROSS: Cherie…
CHERIE: (she cuts him off before he can finish) Look Ross, you're a really nice guy and I think it's really sweet that you want to help me. But believe me, this is what I want to do. I would be doing this even if I hadn't been kicked off campus for flashing.
ROSS: No, NO! (standing up in indignation) I don't believe that. You…..you are a strong, intelligent….and amazing woman (looking at her lovingly, sweetly). I can't believe that you were meant for this, because I know, in my heart (pointing to his heart) that the girl I met on my first day of college was…was an innocent, beautiful girl. She was pure. I have to BELIEVE- I have to believe that.
CHERIE: Ross. (looking impatient) Your dad paid me 50 bucks to kiss you in college. That's why I jumped on that stage.
(Ross is paralyzed, eyes looking forward, having just had his best college memory destroyed)
(Cherie walks away, patting him on the shoulder)
(END CREDITS)