I'd been in love with Teddy for nearly a decade. Before I was engaged to Beth, before I'd even met her. I'd loved Teddy from afar for years, knowing that I could never have her. Knowing that she could never be mine. Knowing that I would love her for the rest of my life.
But when I'd met Christina; her attitude, her bravery; they'd reminded me so much of Teddy, I couldn't resist the urge to kiss her. Just to imagine for a moment that I was kissing the woman of my dreams.
When I came back almost six months later, I could tell that Christina was hurt I didn't acknowledge her. I couldn't, I'd just broken up with Beth and was still very much in love with Teddy, but I couldn't help but explain to her.
Staying in America, I couldn't help but try to move on from Teddy. The more I saw of Christina, the more I began to like her. And the further our relationship progressed, the further I fell in love with her. I began to think about forever with her.
When Dixon left, I knew that Christina felt that she needed a new mentor and I immediately thought of Teddy. I hadn't stopped loving her, just forgotten about her in the excitement of a new relationship. But the idea of having her back in my life was too tempting to not call her despite the fact I might be jeopardizing my relationship with Christina.
When she arrived, I couldn't help all the feelings that came rushing back, but I was determined that I would not do anything to hurt Christina. I hoped that given time, and the fact that I had come to love Christina, my feelings for Teddy would fade or alter.
But when she told me that she had also loved me for years, I couldn't help but mourn the times we could have had together. The years we could have shared. And knowing that I could have had time with her, was almost more than I could bare. I could barely function knowing that I had possibly ruined my chance to find happiness with Teddy. But I was in a relationship with Christina now, and I couldn't jeopardise that any further than I'd already done.
I began to push Teddy away, knowing that I was hurting both her and myself in the process. I felt gulty talking to her, felt horrible when my eyes were drawn to her instead of Christina and I felt disgusted with myself that I couldn't help but subconsciously flaunt my relationship with Christina in front of Teddy.
Despite the fact that Christina caught on early to the feelings between us, it didn't change my determination to make our relationship work. And as time went on, I thought that Teddy and I were getting better at hiding our feelings and we might be able to become best friends once more.
Then that day, the shooter, when I knew that I had to make a choice. I choose Christina, not because I loved her more, not because she was still in danger while Teddy was safe, but simply because a relationship with Christina could never be as complicated or have the potential to hurt me as much as any relationship with Teddy. I knew it was wrong to use her, but knowing I truly cared for her made the decision easier.
In that moment, I knew that I had hurt her, I knew that I would be giving up my chance at true happiness, but I couldn't help being the coward for once. I couldn't help but want to take the easy road for once.
I know now that I never got over her, and I regret now, more than ever before, that I never told her how much I loved her. But as I stand here today, at her grave, I can't help but think of all the chances we missed. And that breaks my heart more than anything else ever could.