A huge dominating mountain towered over the glacier that over looked the lava pits, the huge green rolling fields collided with the mountain ridge oh so cataclysmically, and to the west of the humongous mountain was a barely serviceable village, that for some reason celestia only knows had it's own space program, anyway we'll get to that later, for now just focus on the top of the mountain, allright now see that tiny wooden shed on the top go in there, as you can see there are a few bottles and cans lying around, allright scratch that theres a fuckton of bottles and cans lying around, anyway ignore them, in the tiny rickety bed was a yellow furred pony, with a strong green mane and deep blue eyes, and awesome black trilby. Yeah that's me.
"Wha ha okay I'm awake" I hoofed around madly trying to find an invisible snooze button, eventually i stopped and let my eyes adjust, as i heard the sounds of light scratching, i looked down to see a large bottle of moonshine rocking back and forth, i picked it up with one of my hooves (don't ask how, just think power puff girls logic) and threw it at a wall, in a shower of glass and whiskey, a weasel burst forth. This was Mute my faithful pet weasel, i've had him since i was a filly, he is totally deaf ,but through extensive teaching i managed to get him to learn sign language, unfortunately i can't understand it for jack so instead of learning it, installed subtitles in my brain. "You know if you didn't get drunk all the time i wouldn't have to do that every morning" *yeah well if you didn't break the improbability drive we wouldn't be in this mess* Mute signed using very intricate paw and claw movements "hey that was equal parts both our fault don't try to shift the blame on me" *and another thing we need new digs ,this crap shack is falling to pieces*
"Awww come on it's not that bad" i say defensively as i lean against one of the walls ,as i do the corrugated iron snaps in two, and breaks the rest of the walls, like some chaotic game of dominoes , soon the entire shack is lying at my hooves in somewhat more of a horizontal position than it once was, i look round to inspect the damage
*my damage report, it's fucked * Mute signed as he stretched his back and inspected the ground *And this time it was all your fault*. I gritted my teeth as i bucked in mute's general direction, unfortunately i made contact with his stomach, and kinda sent him rolling down the mountain, instantly i grabbed on of the iron panels and slid down after him, the terrain of the mountain is not what you'd call smooth ,but then again what would you expect from a mountain crafted from 8x8 blocks, yep that's right the mountain was made by the visionary artist notch, anyway me and mute had quite a bumpy ride on the way down and suffered quite a few broken bones, and torn ligaments luckily thanks to our little incident with the improbability drive it didn't seem all that fatal... OH did i not mention, yeah me and mute kinda first activated the drive, we became pariahs for that, then we tried to fix it but ended up shattering it into 3,141,596 pieces, yeah people were pretty pissed off about that, so we were sentenced to exile at the top of mount forever alone.
Anyway you rejoin me and mute at the bottom of the mountain: both buried in the snow with our ankles sticking out"Uh i think we are both alive" i grumbled as i pulled my head out of the snow. Looking over i saw mutes tail sticking out the ground and pulled him out the snow *we may be the grape vine jelly vamoose giggle fur trap* mute moved his claws in awkward and sweeping motions *
"Think you hit your head quite badly" Mute shook his head frantically and looked back *nah it's cool thanks to the improbability drive my bones are now made from armadillo*
"Armadillo?" Mute signed *hard steel* as there is no sign language word for Adamantine. He looked at my wings and signed *what are yours made from now?*, i gave my wings a little nibble "hmm i think its pork ribs". Mute shrugged and jumped up on top of my hat, I then galloped out of the snow and into the huge rolling green fields, towards a sunset which was odd because it was morning 5 minutes ago, anyway we gazed into the beauty of the natura- um improbable world as the wind ran through our fur
*hey , hey, HEY, *
"UGRH what "
*You see that figure running towards us*
"The big red colt with the armour and claymore"
*Yeah him*
CRASH
We were hit by the figure running towards us who sent both me and mute careering through the fields. I stood up to face him, and instantly he swung his claymore at my face, cleaving my trilby in twain, i gathered enough courage to shout at him "who the Hell do you think you are"
*yeah what's the big idea*
The colt growled at us and spoke in a very thick Scottish accent "I AM BRAVEHOOVES! And you have destroyed my town, with your wee improbability drive stunt"
Mute looked up at him terrified*OH shit*
Chapter 2
"Hey woah woah woah, there are alot of yellow ponies in this world what makes you think it was us"
Knowing my luck i should have seen this coming but as soon as i said this one of the largest blimps in the world sailed by behind me and Mute with a huge L.E.D screen that had our faces on it ,boring the title WANTED FUGITIVES CLOM AND HIS DEAF WEASEL. So yeah not the best timing.
Brave hooves looked me dead in the eye and shouted "cut your bullshit, you wee ned, you know fine well what you've done, and let me tell you this, you are lucky that i'm noble to my clan, cause if i was rogue your head would be rolling on the ground right now, and your body would be burning on a pyre" , with that Bravehooves pulled out a chain and threw it at me, he let out a loud guttural grunt as he pulled it back, and pulled my hind leg back with it, soon i was being dragged along the ground on my back, as he thundered back to his town. Mute ran like a bullet after me and ended up rolling like a tyre in my direction, Bravehooves came to a stop, and began swinging the chain round his body, and on the third swing my body collided with mutes and i sent him flying through the air, when i came back down my skull crashed on the ground, and I blacked out.
When i finally awoke, all i could see in front of my eyes were two burning torches either side of a staircase, bellow me was a stone floor lightly covered with hay, i tried to move but found my hooves were shackled to the wall behind me, for a split second, I thought the worst ..."Cupcakes", but i quickly realised this wasn't the case as there was no psychotic pink sugar addict staring down at me. I turned my head to the side and saw that mute was in the exact same position as me "hey mute buddy, what the hell happened are we ok?" Mute just stared back at me with an "are you fucking kidding me" look.
"Oh yeah that's right, you can't move..."me and mute struggled in unison, trying to break the shackles, but when the sound of hoofsteps upon concrete hit my ears, i shut the hell up and mute followed suite, the face of brave hooves met our eyes, he looked pissed.
"Right you wee, motherfuckers i've been talking to the elders of the clan and we've decided to forget your trial and move on straight to the punishment , and we've given it a lot of thought ,and we've decided to tie you to stake, cover you in petrol , and set you on fire!". He stopped his sadistic ramblings, and gave a hefty kick to my hoof, and trotted back up the stairs lightly chuckling to him self. I let out a huge wail of excruitiating pain as i looked around i could see mute was free of, his shackles and walking on the concrete floor, my heart swelled with joy as i thought we were free, unfortunately my heart deflated to a shrivelled balloon, as the bastard walked right out the window, turning around and giving me a salute as if to say *See ya fucker* i hung my head down in disappointment as i saw his tail leave my vision.
"Now being tied to a stake isn't the most relaxing thing in the world and i have to say the petrol shower, wasn't as great as the brochure suggested, and i swear if that torch goes anywhere near my fur, i will have to write a sternly worded letter to the spa manager!" my brand of over sarcastic humour clearly didn't take well as Bravehooves punched me in the face. I looked over a sea of angry faces, braying for my blood, things weren't going well was an understatement.
"Clom for your crimes against the order of the world, you will be burnt to death Joan of arc style, LIGHT THE TORCHES!" shouted Bravehooves to the rest of his clan. They passed around a torch, and all lit their own, then they slowly edged close to me, Bravehooves lit the hay beneath my feet, the embers became a small fire. Suddenly all the jokes in my brain died, as i realised these were my final moments it became deadly serious the gravity of the situation, i was facing the canyon of death head on, and could think of nothing, it was going to be a silent death...*SPLASH* when i opened my eyes i saw mute standing in front of me with a big grin on his face and an empty bucket in his hands, everything was fine the fire was extinguished and i was so happy to see mutes face again, nothing could ruin this moment.
*ZHWOAYHM* that was the sound of a purple wave washing across the land. it was the dreaded improbability drive acting up again, as it washed over the village it turned houses into trains, and giant tubes of fancy pastas. The ground became a multitude of coal and gummy bears, and the water that mute previously threw over me became petrol, and the fires started again "ahhh fucking hell this hurts" quickly i rolled on the ground trying without success to extinguish the fire. A claymore came down swiftly right next to my head as i looked up i saw a disgruntled Bravehooves about to slice me in to...well more than 2 because he doesn't look like the kind of guy who would stop with just one swipe. I quickly got to my hooves and ran for it, my hooves plodded toward one of the homes, err um i mean trains? I guess, and i leapt on top of it pursued by Bravehooves looking positively psychotic clutching his claymore between his teeth, we ran across the stationary caboose, and jumped from fancy pasta pot, to fancy pasta pot, toppling them over, and watching the giant spaghetti roll across the coal and gummy bear floor. I ran in mute's direction (bear in mind i was still on fire) and picked him from the ground interrupting him yanking gummy bears out of the ground, and threw him on my back then hastily made way out of the village into a forest , we ran so far ,but i could still hear Bravehooves "when i get a hold of you, you wee prick, I'll use your intestines as Christmas decorations!"
"HE SOUNDS ANGRY MUTE!"
*dude he sounds freaking daffy*
We all stopped and as i slowly turned around, Bravehooves was there staring daggers at me
I was still on fire btw, he slowly took his claymore and raised it above our heads, i closed my eyes and feared for the worst.
"STOP!" we all looked up to see a cybernetic pony with a dual barrelled ray cannon in his hoof, fly down and stand between me and Bravehooves , he turned to me and threw a green liquid over me, he turned to Bravehooves and held the cannon to his head... Bravehooves, retreated and fled the scene, the cybernetic pony activated jets in his hooves and flew away through the trees.
I turned to mute no longer ablaze and healed from all wounds, "who the fuck was that?"
He shrugged*i dunno?*
Chapter 3
Coming soon