Healer, Healer
By Lunaleth
05.19.2010
James is sick. He takes a rather eventful trip to the hospital. Crackficish. Inspired by my other story, I'd Recommend Some Fresh Air. LJ
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
"Healer, healer, I don't know what's wrong with me!"
James sat in the hospital, looking rather desperate. A calm healer in a white coat sat across from him with some parchment and a quill. A graying, seasoned medical expert, this healer had seen his fair share of life, and was now trying to make others' lives better. He was a good old man.
"Have you had any seizures? Abdominal cramps? Kinky dreams?"
"No, I haven't—wait, what? Kinky dreams?"
The healer pointedly ignored him and carefully marked something down on his official-looking parchment. "What are your symptoms?"
"Well, there are these random times when my heart rate just speeds up, really fast. And then I start forgetting what I'm doing or saying. Once, I was playing Quidditch, and I nearly fell off my broom because I forgot I was in the air!" James waved his hands wildly.
The healer nodded solemnly, checking things off on his parchment. "That does sound serious. And how do you feel about that?"
"I…well, I'd like it to stop so that I can play Quidditch properly."
"I see, I see. Do go on."
"I get really dizzy, too. My head starts spinning, like I'm on drugs, but faster. I almost fell into my Potions cauldron one time. It contained a Swelling Solution. I daresay, that would have been rather troublesome, because my nose would have grown to be as large as Snape's. But then again, there are certain...advantages that I would have then had with the opposite sex." James giggled.
The healer nodded, then leaned over conspiratorially. "My dear boy, if you're interested in that sort of product, my wife runs a very successful potions business…I mean." He coughed, blushed, and straightened up. "Do go on."
James sighed. "I find myself falling over everything. Stairs, rugs, cats, even girls." James paused. "Literally."
"Oh my, I remember when I used to fall over girls. Literally." The healer looked off dreamily into the distance. "I loved those days."
"What happened?" James whispered, his eyes wide.
"I broke a leg and had to get a prosthetic." The healer pulled up his pant leg to reveal a very wooden leg indeed.
James gaped openly. "So if this illness doesn't go away…I'll have to get that connected to my body?"
The healer nodded wisely. "This is why we're here, son. To make sure that you don't need to get this connected to your body. Although, of course, if we're not able to prevent that, I would be willing to give you a 20 percent discount on any purchase from my wife's potion business. I—I mean." He coughed and checked off more things on his parchment. "Is that everything?"
James shook his head. "No, actually…there's more. I've been seeing things."
"Kinky things?"
"What? No! I've been seeing naked babies with wings flying around with little bows and arrows."
The healer blinked. "I…well. I'll have to ask my manager about that. So, that's it?"
James nodded.
"So…" The healer peered down at his list, running a finger down the rows. "According to my diagnosis, you're pregnant."
Pause.
"Shit."
The healer frowned. "Wait, that can't be right. You're a male, right?"
James died a little on the inside. "Yes."
"Oh, I was on the wrong side of the diagnosis chart. That side was for females." The healer laughed airily and flipped his parchment over. "Let's see…I think you're heartsi—"
The healer was cut off as Lily suddenly barged into the room. "James! I just heard from Sirius. You're sick? Are you alright? Is it serious? DON'T MAKE A PUN. Are you okay? Are you going to die?"
James stood up quickly as the healer looked on, amused. "Lily! What are you doing here? I'm fine, I'm just a bit—ahh!" He tripped over the chair and landed on his back. "That hurt."
Lily pulled him back to his feet. "You're sick! Don't go falling over everything! Especially not over me!"
James nodded, looking slightly dazed. "Yes, I…what was I saying? Oh, right, talking, I was saying, I'm—I'm fine." He took a step, and nearly fell down again. "My head's all fuzzy…"
The doctor squealed and clapped his hands. "Do you see naked babies? Uh…I mean, cherubs."
James nodded weakly. "Naked babies…Lily, I see our future. Will you marry me?"
"Yes!"
They hugged and kissed and stuff. But they didn't do anything inappropriate because they were still in the healer's office, and we all know that the healer's office is full of STDS.
"Oh healer, I can't thank you enough," James said. "I feel completely better now. May we have your name? We'd like to name our firstborn child after you."
The healer was delighted. "Yes, yes! My name is Prudentine."
And James laughed, and Lily cried, because Prudentine Potter was just the most darling name. But they'd really rather have something a bit more boring, such as Harry.
Lily and James left the room, smiling widely, hand in hand.
The healer sat down on a chair, confused. What was wrong with Prudentine? His wife had married him, hadn't she?
He sat there, deep in thought.
A nurse popped her head into the room. "Sir? Asia just called, asking about your wife's potion business."
Author's Note: Oh that was fun. I really couldn't resist the last line. Haha stereotypes. It's all in good fun :)
Poor James is heartsick, if you didn't catch that.
On another note, I was inspired to write this after I wrote I'd Recommend Some Fresh Air. I didn't want to add to that one, since it's nice and short and I love it so much. So I just wrote another story! Yay!
A dabble in odd humor. Yes, odd.
lunaleth