The Best First Chapter Ever (No, Really, I'm not Kidding)

"AHHHHH!" screamed Hermione.

"AHHHHH!" screamed Ron. He turned around and looked at her.

"Wait, why are we screaming?"

Hermione stopped screaming and looked at Ron. "I don't know," she said after a minute, looking puzzled.

"Bloody hell, Hermione!" Ron shouted. "You just said you don't know something! AHHHHH! The world is coming to an end!"

"Shut up, Ronald" she said with as much dignity as she could muster.

"Snork, snork" was all he could say, which technically isn't saying anything. It's just snorting. Anyway. the narrator (me) rolls her eyes.

Hermione got up and stalked off to the library, which is where she goes in stressful situations like this.

Ron stares at the narrator (me) for a full minute and says, "Why does she go to the library all the time? And what are you talking about, stressful situations like this? This isn't stressful!"

The narrator (me) says to Ron, "Why are you talking to me? I'm not even here. And if you want to stay in this story, shut your trap and do what I write you to do!"

Ron looks at the narrator (me) and mumbles under his breath. "I can't hear you if you don't speak up," the narrator (me) says. "And if I can't hear you I can't tell if you're saying bad things, which would put me in the very bad position to have to fire you and delete you from my entire fanfic."

Ronald Weasley glares at the narrator (me) and sticks his tongue out at the narrator (me).

I tell him, "That's not very mature, now is it, Ronald?" He turns away and flips up his middle finger at the narrator (me).

The narrator (me) says, "That's it Ronald you're going bye bye to where the bad people go who stick up their bad fingers at other people."

I turn to my trusty keyboard and delete him out of existence. "No!" he yells. "This isn't fair! You can't do this to me!" But he's already gone and we can't hear him anymore.

Harry Potter runs into the room and glances wildly around. "Where's Ron?" he asks. But then he realizes that the narrator (me) is the only person (or whatever they're called) in the room.

"Do you know where Ron is?" he asks the narrator (me).

The narrator (me) says, "I'm not here. Why are you asking me?"

Harry looks at me confusedly and says, "But, um, I can see you and hear you and you can talk so how are you not here?"

The narrator (me) says, "I'm the narrator. So I'm not here."

"Um… OK…" Harry says, looking dazed.

"But anyway do you know where Ron is?" he asks yet again. The narrator (me) wonders idly if she gets to delete another annoying person out of existence.

"Yes I know" the narrator (me) says acidly. "I deleted him into oblivion."

"Oh no!" Harry starts crying.

The narrator (me) says, "Don't cry you big sissy. You still have Hermione."

Harry says with lots of enthusiasm sarcastically, "I have Hermione. Oh joy. Don't you know she's just a girl?"

A.N.- just got a song stuck in my head by The Click Five and it's called Just the Girl. Yippee.

The narrator's (mine) eyes start blazing and burning in anger. The narrator (me) just happens to also be a girl. Harry turns around and sees Hermione standing behind him.

"Er, how long have you been standing there?" he asks nervously.

"Long enough!" she shouts. "No more help on your homework! No more help in class! No more talking about anything! No more complaining about Ron!"

Harry looks stricken. "But, but…"

The narrator (me) feels a twinge of pity for him and undeletes Ron out of oblivion.

"Whoa," says Ron. "That was one wild ride."

"Now you better be good," the narrator (me) tells Ron. "Or you'll be gone forever and ever and ever!"

"Whatev," says Ron.

"Hey!" the narrator (me) says. "You can't say 'whatev'. That's against the rules!"

"What rules?" he asks me.

"The rules that clearly state that you can't steal words or strange phrases from Ms. Duff," the narrator (me) tells him. "Her strange phrases are her strange phrases and you can't say them. You say things like Bloody Hell and Wicked and things like that."

"Whatev," said Ronald. "I can say whatever I want to."

And then the narrator (me) said wickedly, "Yeah, if you want to be saying it from wherever deleted annoying bad people go who stick up their bad fingers and talk back to who created them." That got him to shut right up.