i was totally inspired by an au prompt from someone on twitter whose handle i completely forgot. and i love writing angst. also, i'm not sorry.
Cold sheets,
Oh where's my love,
I'm searching high,
I'm searching low in the night.
-Where's My Love, SYML
First month
"No."
That was the first thing that came out Kara's lips. She had just come back from home after an emergency situation that required Supergirl to show up and save the day. She was expecting to see her wife cuddled up with her dog in front of the TV, having fallen asleep while waiting for her.
"I can't sleep without you in the bed," Lena had once told her, when Kara found her dozing on the couch one too many times.
She was expecting to be able to remove the dog and snuggle in with her wife on the couch. She was expecting to be able to wake her wife up with a kiss and then proceed to do unspeakable things with their dog as the only witness. She was expecting laughter and kisses and proclamations of love, ultimately.
What she wasn't expecting was to see her wife sitting at the kitchen table with a purple folder in front of her. What she wasn't expecting was to see their dog sitting quietly by her wife's side, an incredibly forlorn look on his face – and their dog was usually a pretty happy dog. What she wasn't expecting was to see her wife looking at her with deep apology and unadulterated gloom.
Lena hadn't even spoken about anything, but Kara was already saying "No". She knew, without a doubt, that she wouldn't like whatever Lena was going to tell her.
Plus, she recognized the logo on the folder that was placed on the table. It was the logo of National City General Hospital – Kara hated the logo already.
"Kara –"
"Lena," she refuted, although she knew it wouldn't do much good. Lena was her wife, and while Kara didn't want to hear something she didn't like, Lena was her wife. She stood at the entrance to the kitchen, as if it would prolong whatever was to come next. "I don't –" She stopped short, clenching her jaw and looking away from Lena to Barney, their usually happy golden retriever that was being very unhappy right now.
Yeah, Kara could relate.
"Okay," Lena said quietly, staring at Kara in return, understanding that the blonde needed time to prepare herself. That was the thing about Lena: she understood Kara like no one else ever could, not even Alex, though her sister came a very close second.
Kara licked her lips, glaring at the purple folder. She was reigning in her powers, trying not to shoot lasers at the folder and be done with it. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But knowing Lena, she knew the woman would have kept thousands of copies as backup. That was the thing about Lena too: she liked playing safe even though she was the biggest risk taker Kara had ever known.
She could already feel her heart splintering as each second passed – she wasn't ready for the entire organ to fall apart.
She swallowed, nodded to herself, and then sat down in the chair opposite Lena as she took the folder. Opening it, she allowed her speed to take her over the information listed on the report. And then she froze, stopping at the term that was going to ruin her.
Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer.
She stood up abruptly, the thing already crumpling in her hand as emotions overtook her. The chair clattered behind her before falling, just like she felt like her entire world was falling right now. Her brows came to a meeting at the bridge of her nose as she kept reading the four words over and over again.
She wanted to…She wanted to…She didn't know what she wanted. Well, actually, there was one thing she wanted.
She wanted this to be not true.
Slowly, Kara moved her gaze up from the report to Lena, who was not looking at her at all, but at their dog. However, as if she could sense Kara's stare, she shifted her eyes from Barney to Kara. Her eyes were empty, like she had already given up.
"When did you – I don't – How –"
"I went to the hospital two weeks ago," she said.
"Two weeks –" Kara stopped, her grip on the folder tighter. She took a few deep breaths. Anger rose in her chest like a volcano that had suddenly decided to erupt. "You went to the hospital two weeks ago?" The volume of her rose with each syllable. "And you didn't tell me?"
"I didn't want you to worry about nothing," Lena said, still calm and quiet. No, not quiet; resigned.
"This isn't nothing," Kara gritted between her teeth, shaking the report in her hands to emphasize her point. "This is your life."
"Kara, please." It was the way she voiced that word – Lena had rarely begged, expect in the bedroom, and she was begging now. Like water to fire, her anger dissipated, almost instantly replaced by an overwhelming cloud of sorrow and fear.
She sat back down. She carded her fingers through her hair before she asked, "Lena, why didn't you tell me?" she whispered gently. "You – you can't –"
"I think I was preparing myself," Lena answered after a long while, avoiding Kara's gaze by looking down at her clasped hands on top of the table. "I wanted to be prepared myself before telling anyone."
"Lena, I'm your wife."
"Exactly," Lena replied. Only then did Lena look up at Kara. When Kara saw the look in Lena's eyes, her heart shattered even more. Lena wasn't feeling sorry for herself – she had already accepted the situation she was in – she was apologizing to Kara, for something that she had no control over and something she shouldn't ever be apologizing to anyone for.
At this moment, Kara wanted to murder Lillian Luthor, if that woman wasn't already dead, for doing this Lena, for making Lena think that she ought to apologize for this.
Kara didn't even bother to pretend to be a human anymore. She simply floated over to Lena quickly and gathered her wife in her arms, tugging the woman's head under her chin as she broke down in Kara's arms. Kara didn't cry. What she did was planting multiple kisses on the top of Lena's head, brushing her hair, and shushing her with it's okays, even though she knew it was far from okay.
Twenty minutes later, when Kara had already deposited Lenain their bed after she had fallen asleep in the blonde's arms, she would cry in the shower.
Kara called Alex over the first thing in the morning. Lena had already left, insisting that she needed to work and then they would really talk later. When Alex made herself comfortable on the couch, Kara quietly handed over the report that was crumpled, but still readable.
Alex took it, looking at the blonde warily. Kara sighed and gestured for her sister to open it. She was too tired and too hopeless to even find the energy to talk anymore. Alex opened the folder. Her eyes grew wide with each passing minute as her brain began to put together whatever Kara wanted to tell her from that folder. Once her sister had reached the final page, she closed the folder slowly, staring at Kara with wide eyes that were filled with surprise.
The blonde clenched her jaw, lowering her head into her hands as she let out a slow and painful exhalation of air. Her chest hurt, her head hurt, everything hurt, and she honestly didn't know what to do. She didn't know how she could help. She didn't know how she could stop this.
"Kara." Her sister's voice was soft and pitying. Kara shook her head, still buried in her hands. She shouldn't be the one pitied.
"Can you just…" She lifted her head and looked at her sister. "I know it's…" She waved her hand in the air. She couldn't even say the words: Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer. "But can you just tell me what to do? Is there anything that can be done?"
Alex licked her lips and looked to the folder again. It was in the way that Alex's shoulders slumped that Kara knew. "From what I've read, I just…I don't think there's anything –"
The alien stood up, startling her sister and even the dog. She had her hand on her head as she paced the floor, shaking her head time and time again. "Please, there has to be something," she pleaded, her voice cracking.
"It's stage four, Kara."
"Please don't say it," Kara said. She closed her eyes, frowning. "Don't say it."
She was too absorbed in her own denial and the millions of thoughts swirling in her head right now that she didn't even detect that Alex had stood up from the couch and moved towards her. She only opened her eyes when Alex touched her arms gently.
"I am so sorry," Alex whispered, her eyes welling with tears as well. Over the years, Alex distrust towards Lena had evolved into a sisterly love that was entirely hers and Lena's. Of course she was devastated as well. "I am so sorry," she repeated.
Kara stared at her sister for a moment, doing her very best to hold herself together. She didn't want to fall apart. She couldn't afford to fall apart. Her wife was out there, in her office, being one of the strongest women she had ever known while struggling with this, and Kara had no right to fall apart.
But eventually, her devastation won and she just crumbled.
"Come here." Alex pulled Kara into her arms, and she proceeded to wail into her sister's shoulder.
Second month
She helped Lena wipe her mouth off with a napkin, before settling next to Lena and encircling her arms around the woman to pull her in. Kara smiled and kissed the top of Lena's head, trying not to think about the reason they were sitting in front of the toilet bowl like two fools who had nowhere else to sit.
"I love you," Kara whispered.
This was something she did now. Every morning, she would make sure she woke up before Lena, just so she could look at Lena's peaceful face when she was sleeping. And then when Lena woke up, the first thing Kara would say was that she loved her. She needed Lena to remember that.
Except this morning, she woke up to Lena rushing towards the bathroom and flipping up the toilet lid. Hence, Kara didn't have a chance to tell her until now.
Lena laughed weakly in her arms, her face buried in Kara's chest. "I just threw up like a fountain," she said, her voice soft and weak.
Kara squeezed her wife in her arms. "I love you," she repeated, firmer.
There was a long moment of silence between them, which Kara enjoyed as much as she could. She always loved these quiet moments.
And then Lena lifted her head to turn to look at the blonde. Her skin was pale and she had lost a lot of weight over the last month. Kara was almost too afraid to think about however long her wife had left. She pushed thoughts away and just looked down at her wife, still as beautiful and elegant as the first day Kara had met her.
"I love you too."
Kara's smile widened. And then she leaned down to kiss her wife, vomit aftertaste and all.
Game Night was still a thing – Lena insisted on it. Everyone had said one way or another that they didn't want to Lena to overexert herself trying to cater them, but Lena had waved them off and told them to keep coming every Friday night. The only thing that was different was that Lena didn't cook anymore, which nobody blamed her for.
It warmed Kara's heart to see that her friends had finally accepted her wife into their gang, but that had happened a long time ago, when Lena almost got shot with a Kryptonite bullet to save Kara. But it was now, with the texts and calls that Lena personally got from their friends, that proved to Kara that each and every one of them trusted and loved Lena just as much as they trusted and loved Kara.
Kara smirked when she heard Maggie cursing quietly under her breath. She was sitting behind her wife, letting herself enjoy watching her wife beat their friends at poker, just as she did at every other game they had played. The blonde tucked her chin on Lena's shoulder with Lena sitting between her legs.
Inadvertently, her smile widened when she saw the hand of cards her wife had gotten, which only served to tip everyone else off.
"You know what, I fold," Winn was the first to surrender, putting down his cards. "Also, Lena, if you want to actually win the game, you should never let your wife see your hand."
Lena laughed while Kara sputtered her protests. "It's why I keep her around," Lena replied, after everyone else folded as well. She displayed her hand of cards, prompting everyone to groan.
"Honestly, is there anything you're not good at?" Lucy complained, taking a swig of her beer.
"That's a mystery yet to be unfolded," Maggie joined in, glowering at the woman who was lavishing her hands in the air, waiting for everyone to hand in the cash.
Lena chuckled as soon as she gathered all the cash, handing it over to Kara behind her. "Well, you better hurry up. I'm not sure how much time there is for you to solve the mystery."
Literally everyone in the room froze at her statement, even Kara, who stopped counting the cash and looked up at her wife in slight irritation. Lena, having realized how the room had quieted down, looked up from the cash to the people as well. She huffed and rolled her eyes.
"Guys, take a joke," she admonished, shaking her head. They were still quiet, heads hung as the reality of Lena hung over them. Ignoring the sudden solemn that had taken over the room, she patted Kara's thigh as she made to stand up, which was an effort now because the side effects of the illness were already settling in and there was trouble with everything she did. "I'm going to the loo. When I come back, I want a new game." Kara was staring at her wife worriedly, because there was a minute grimace on her face before it was gone. "I'm okay," Lena whispered, before she took the cane that was propped against the couch and headed towards the bathroom.
Once the door shut behind Lena, Kara exhaled heavily as she took her glasses off and rubbed her temples. She focused her hearing on Lena, ready to bolt off and help her out if she heard any sign of struggles.
"You need to stop her from making jokes like that," James complained, his voice tired and slightly annoyed.
She didn't blame him.
"Believe me, I tried," Kara said with resignation, putting her glasses back on. "I can't stop her from doing anything, including going back to work every single fucking day."
They all looked at her, surprised at her choice of words. Alex tilted her head. "How has she been holding up?" she asked quietly.
Kara took a momentary glance at the bathroom before she looked back to her friends. "The side effects are settling in. She's experiencing muscle pains, hence the cane. She's getting headaches almost every day. Sometimes, she needs my help to get her out of bed because she can't get up herself. It's the bone pain. And uh…she gets cold easily, which isn't that difficult to solve because I'm like a human furnace." She licked her lips, remembering how Lena had just thrown up again twenty minutes before their friends showed up. "I don't…" She puffed out her cheeks and looked up at the ceiling, willing herself not to cry in front of her friends. "It's getting worse," she whispered with finality.
"The pain meds aren't working?" Alex asked.
After a long talk, Lena had agreed to start letting the doctors at the DEO to help her, instead of the doctors at National City General Hospital. Kara trusted her sister more than the doctor who delivered the bad news. They had been doing everything they could to alleviate the sufferings Lena was currently experiencing, since she had denied treatment, which the couple had had a huge fight about last month before Kara succumbed.
"This is my body. And I get to decide what I want to do with it," Lena said firmly.
"This is our life!" Kara retorted.
"Which is why I don't want any treatment!" Lena yelled back, chest heaving and hands clenched tightly into fists by her sides. "I did my research, Kara. I'm a scientist, for god's sake! And I know nothing good is going to come out of treatment."
"You won't know if you don't try!"
"Kara," Lena said, quieter, "I don't want any treatment. I don't want to waste the money to cure a disease that has already gone too far to be cured. I just want to spend the rest of my life – what is left of it – with you. And I can't do that and I'm going to spend half of it getting poison injected into me for no good reason. Can you just…let me have that?"
And well, how could Kara argue with that?
"They're working," Kara replied. "Just not as well as they used to."
"Just…call any of one of us if you need anything, alright?" Lucy prompted. They used to tell her that it was going to be okay, but they stopped when she snapped at them for lying, because none of this was okay.
Kara nodded. "Yeah."
Just then, the bathroom door opened, followed by Lena emerging from the doorway and making her slow way to them with a weird gait to her walk.
"I told you I want a new game," Lena complained.
Third month
Things went absolutely downhill in a matter of weeks that Kara could hardly wrap her head around it. She was a pretty optimistic person. Just ask her friends and they could testify to it. But her optimism regarding Lena's situation had dissipated with each passing day since the day her wife told her about the cancer.
But somewhere in the back of her mind, she was still hopeful that her wife would live out a long life, even with the cancer.
Until the third day into her third month when Jess called her at three in the afternoon, telling her that Lena had collapsed in the office and she was being brought to the hospital as they spoke. Kara, not caring that Snapper might fire her for running out on a job, hurried out of CatCo and went flying in her civilian clothes.
Nothing was more important than her wife, not even her identity. While she was on her way, she called Alex to brief her about everything, and Alex didn't even wait a moment to get started on the paperwork to get Lena transferred to the DEO as soon as possible. When Kara reached the DEO, Lena was already in the emergency room. If it wasn't for Alex stopping her, Kara would have already burst in and demand that they save her wife no matter what.
"They're doing everything they can, and you need to let them do their job," Alex had told her as she pushed Kara to sit down on a chair before heading back inside to supervise.
An hour later, Kara couldn't handle just sitting there and doing nothing, which was how everyone found her in the training room, punching the absolute crap out of a car. This was after she had already decimated just about every obstacle she could find to punch. She was screaming and punching and her hands were already bruising from all the punching, but she didn't care.
She didn't care about her identity. She didn't care about her job. She didn't care about the beatings her hands were taking. She didn't care about anything, but the fact that Lena had collapsed and there was nothing she could do about it.
She loved her wife more than anything in the world. She loved Lena Luthor with every single fiber of her being. She dedicated almost everything to loving her wife.
She couldn't bear to lose Lena Luthor, and lose the light that had been her source of happiness for the last several years.
She could hear everyone's heartbeat as each of them joined her in the room, watching her being an utter menace to the non-living objects. But she didn't care. She was going to ruin absolutely everything she could get her hands on until she could see Lena again.
But then again, even aliens could get exhausted, which was why when the car was absolutely done for, she sank to her knees and panted heavily, her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to muster the energy to destroy things again. She couldn't. She was too tired.
She just wanted to see Lena.
"Has she been eating?" Kara asked as soon as she landed, shoving the criminal alien at a random agent. Alex walked with her as they made their way to their bedroom.
Kara and Lena had fully moved into a spare room at the DEO headquarters, so that Alex and her team, and Kara could keep watch over Lena.
"She's been losing her appetite," Alex said solemnly. "I tried to get her to eat, but she just threw them back up."
Kara clenched her jaw. They stopped outside the door that led to their room. She turned to her sister. "There's really nothing you can do?" she asked, though she already knew the answer to that. She already knew the answer to that since Alex came into the training room that day Lena collapsed and told her that Lena was okay for now, but not for long.
Alex shook her head. "I'm sorry."
Kara nodded in understanding. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah."
Lena was dozing off when Kara walked in, but she woke up as soon as Kara closed the door. She mustered a smile, which Kara could see took her a lot to even manage. "Hey, wife," she greeted, her voice small and hoarse.
Kara managed a smile, hiding the utter agony that was gripping her. She moved towards Lena and sat on the edge of the bed, leaning down to capture Lena's lips with hers. When she pulled back, she jokingly chastised, "I heard you haven't been eating."
The brunette narrowed her eyes. "In my defense, I did try."
The alien reached out to brush her fingers through Lena's hair softly and gently. They didn't say anything about the hair that kept falling out with each move. "How about I bring in some soup? Do you think you can manage that?"
Lena shook her head. Her breathing was getting shallower, just like how Kara's heart was dreading the next moment more and more. She didn't know how, she didn't know why, but she had a bad feeling about today since this morning.
"Hey," she said softly. Lena opened her eyes again. "I love you."
Lena smiled. "I love you too." She didn't talk about how this was the fifth time today that Kara had told her that she loved her. "Can you do something for me?"
"Anything." She would do anything for Lena, even if it meant abandoning her Supergirl mantle. Everyone knew that, and everyone forgave her for it.
It took Lena quite some time to manage her words. Kara watched her, and she couldn't help but wish that Lena would just die. It would kill her, definitely, but at least Lena wouldn't be in such pain anymore. And if that was the price, Kara would suffer for it willingly at any given time.
"Can you take me flying?"
Kara looked down at her wife, having stiffened from the question that had poured of Lena's lips. On a normal day, when Lena wasn't sick, she would never have asked Kara to take her flying. The woman hated flying, despite being married to a superhero who had to fly to be a superhero. Nevertheless, had she asked, Kara would do so in a heartbeat. On a normal day, after Kara had found out about Lena's illness, she would have said no to Lena's request, because she was more than afraid.
But today…today wasn't a normal day, was it? Kara could feel it.
She swallowed. "Are you sure?" she asked. Part of her wanted Lena to say no, because that would mean that today was a normal day after all – well, as normal as it could be. Yet a part of her wanted Lena to say yes, because she wanted Lena to see something beautiful, rather than the room that had become so dreary after their prolonged residence here.
Lena inclined her head as much as she can. "Yes."
Kara squeezed Lena's hand before she stood up. She leaned down to kiss Lena one more time, lingering, and then she stood back up, sliding her arms under Lena's back and knees. "I'll keep you safe," she reassured when she gingerly propped Lena in her arms while also maintaining that she wouldn't hurt Lena in any way by carrying her.
"I know you will, sweetheart," Lena stated, her voice laden with trust and adoration. "I know you will."
Almost everyone in the main room stopped in what they were doing when Kara emerged with Lena in her arms. Alex and Winn looked up from the computer, shocked to see Lena out of their room after spending so much time cooped up in there. And then they stood up, approaching the married couple, joined by J'onn.
"What is going on?" Winn asked.
Kara looked down at her wife, waiting for her confirmation. When she did with a nod, the blonde lifted her gaze, trying her very best to not let her emotions show when she said, "I'm taking Lena flying." She kept her voice as steady as possible, without revealing a sense of knowing of what was going to happen today. She had a feeling, and her instincts were usually right.
Alex stared at her, long and hard. Only when Kara clenched her jaw that Alex understood. Her sister took a deep breath, nodding and smiling at Lena with a gentleness that Kara rarely saw on her sister's face. Her sister reached for Lena's hand, holding it to her chest.
"You enjoy yourself, okay?" Alex whispered. A normal person wouldn't be able to hear the shakes in her voice, but Kara surely could. "Don't you worry about a thing."
The brunette in Kara's arms returned Alex's smile. "Of course."
"When you come back, I'm gonna tell you about an idea I have. Maybe you can give me some ideas," Winn said, completely clueless as to Alex's sudden willingness to allow Kara to take a patient out flying.
Lena, indulgent, only laughed. "I can't wait." Because of course Lena could sense it as well. Otherwise, she wouldn't have asked Kara to take her flying of all things. "Can we go?" she asked Kara quietly.
The blonde mustered a smile for a wife, nodding. "Of course." She carried Lena to the platform, glancing back at her friends – her family – who would be waiting for her later. "We'll see you later." And then she took off. Behind her, she could hear the choking noise Alex made and the questions Winn was stuttering at Alex's sudden breakdown.
Kara didn't turn back. She just flew with the love of her life in her arms. "So where do you want to go?" she asked.
Lena wasn't looking at her. She was looking out at the city, a new sense of awe clouding her expression as she took in the way the setting sun glowed upon the city – their city. "I want to just…fly," she said.
The blonde's hold on her wife tightened, even as she nodded. It wasn't difficult for her to realize just how much weight Lena had lost, and how sick she had been, and how she had become. She had watched it all happen. She had accepted it.
But now, in this moment when the raven haired woman she had married was in her arms, it felt as if she was hit with a block of reality that she was totally unprepared for.
Gradually, she slowed to a stop just a few feet away from CatCo, where James' office was located. It was the perfect location, smack dab in the center of National City, for Lena to have a good look at the city she had decided and succeeded to build a new life in. The city was sprawled around them, busy and completely oblivious to the alien and her wife floating above them. She could hear a window open from behind her, and James' voice softly speaking her name.
She didn't turn around, just like she didn't turn back just now for her sister. Today, for now, her entire focus would be on her wife, who truly deserved more than she got in life. It was unfair, how Lena had her life handed to her on such a filthy plate. She just wanted a life away from the Luthor name, and she succeeded, only to have her body succumb to such an evil illness that would break so many people's hearts.
Lena Luthor deserved a long and prosperous life with the people who loved her, not this.
"Please don't cry, Kara." It was Lena's probing that she only realized she finally cried, after so many days and months of staying strong for her wife. "I can't bear it."
Kara released a humorless chuckle. Even at this moment, Lena was thinking about her, instead of herself. She had truly been blessed to be able to call Lena Luthor her wife.
"I'm just crying at how beautiful you are," Kara said, which was true, because it didn't matter how skinny and pale and withdrawn Lena had become, she remained the most beautiful woman the blonde had ever seen in her life.
Lena didn't believe her, obviously. "Kara," she chastised.
"I love you," Kara proclaimed for the sixth time. "Like a lot. I love you so much. More than life itself. Have I ever told you that? I love you. And I am so happy that I can call you my wife. And I love you."
Kara drifted off, leaving Lena to stare at her with a newfound peace and love, a calm smile stretching at the corners of her lips.
"I love you," she whispered again.
Lena nodded, her hand slithering to the back of Kara's neck and then pulling her down to a kiss. Before she drew back, she whispered, "I love you too," against her lips. "And thank you so much, Kara Danvers, for loving me back."
And then they just floated there, watching the sun set, while Kara listened to the way Lena's heartbeat slowed down and her grip on Kara's hand weakened, eventually dropping limply to her side.
And then…Kara buried her face in Lena's neck and roared.
The entirety of National City, including Alex, Maggie, James, Lucy, J'onn, and Winn, could clearly hear the sheer agony and unreserved anguish in Supergirl's roar.
i'm still not sorry.