Judas had a song stuck in his head.
It wasn't like it didn't happen often. The choirs of angels in Heaven tended to sing the most annoying songs – He's Got The Whole World In His Hands, for example – tear your hair out catchy. But he didn't have a church song stuck in his head right now. He had just been to the Hall of Earthly Musics (why they couldn't just call it US Top One Hundred Hit List, he didn't know), and there had been a new song in the Top Ten.
He sang it under his breath as he strode through the halls of Heaven. "You, you, you are, you, you, you are, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer…"
He trailed off as St. Theresa gave him one of her looks.
"All original apostles," came a voice from everywhere at once. "All original apostles, kindly report to the Hall of Moste Beloved, please. Thank you."
Judas sighed and rolled his eyes. Jesus was calling another meeting. He had to have this whole big council meeting whenever there was a major catastrophic event back on Earth. It was always the same. "Do you think now would be good? Should I go back now, yeah? Yeah… I don't know… should I do it now? Maybe I shouldn't… do you think so? Now? Should I? I don't know. Now? I think maybe… I don't know. Now?"
There hadn't been a meeting in a while, after Thomas finally snapped and screamed, "DO IT NOW! NOW! JESUS, JESUS!", then ran out of the room.
Jesus had been sulking since then.
Reluctantly, Judas hurried up a little. It wouldn't be good if he was late; after all, the only reason he was here was because Jesus put in a good word for him with the Big Guy.
Peter was the only was missing when Judas got there. "He's getting Patrick to cover at the Gates," explained Matthew, referring to Ireland's patron saint.
Once everyone was there and seated, Jesus stood up. There was a screen behind him, and a projector mounted on the ceiling – a nice electrician who died while trying to fix a telephone pole during a lightning storm had rigged it up, it was really very nice.
Jesus clicked a button and a girl's face appeared on the screen. She looked to be in her mid-teens, and was very obviously alive.
"Do any of you recognize this face?" Jesus asked quietly.
The apostles shook their heads. Peter scrolled through names on his Blackberry. "Emily Baskers," he said. "Fifteen years old, turning sixteen in August. Lives with her parents, brother and sister in America." He glanced over the facts. "She's been pretty good. If she died now, she'd definitely get into-"
Jesus interrupted him. "Pete, when does that thing update?"
Peter replied, "The signal updates every seven minutes, Jesus."
"Well, I don't have to rely on silly electronics to know what's going on Down There. In fact, I hear my name every single time someone says it."
Paul muttered, "Bet that's fun," to Judas.
"And this girl… THIS GIRL… she claims to be-"
There was a beep and Peter gasped.
"What is it?" asked Thomas, who was still trying to suck up to Jesus, so he wouldn't be mad about the whole shouting-then-stomping-out thing at the last meeting.
Wordlessly, Peter turned his Blackberry around so everybody could see. There was flashing words above the girl's name now: FALSE PROPHET!
Jesus continued, "She claims to be none other than his divine holiness himself! She claims to be Jesus!"
The Virgin Mary entered the room. "Who wants some cookies?" she asked cheerfully, setting a plate of fresh-baked, steaming chocolate chip cookies on the table.
Andrew said, "Yay, cookies!" and shoved four and a half into his mouth.
Jesus glared at him.
"Well, Jesus," said John, cracking his knuckles. "Looks like there's some punishment needed."
"Nothing too harsh," reminded Mark. "Oh no, Jesus, John's got that look in his eye! You know what he's thinking!"
"John, for the last time, crucifixion got old a thousand years ago. Besides, it's not like the old days, some people will probably notice if someone suddenly is strung up on a cross."
John sulked.
"Don't worry, Jesus," said Simon happily. "I can take this one."
"No, you can't," Bartholomew. "Remember what happened last time?"
"Oh, shut up Bart, we all know those ice caps were going to melt someday-"
"I can do this, you guys, just let me try-"
"John, I told you, no beheadings, so put that axe down-"
"James, where are you going? We're not done here-"
"I have a date with Aphrodite, sorry, I hate to bail on you, but-"
"I can't believe we even let those stupid Greek gods in here, Jesus Christ-"
"What? Did you just say my name?"
Judas watched as his… well, friends, for all intents and purposes, argued heatedly about who would punish the girl. Jeez, couldn't they give the kid a break? She was probably just joking around anyway.
"I have an idea!" said Matthew. "Let Judas do it!"
Everybody turned to stare at Judas. "Wait, wait, wait, just a moment-"
"That's a fabulous idea!" said Jesus, smiling broadly. "Just don't betray her to the government after being one of her closest friends and let them lead her away after you kiss her on the cheek, okay?"
Judas rolled his eyes. "It's been two thousand years, Jesus-"
"IT STILL HURTS!"
Andrew, his mouth full of cookies, said, "Yeah! Great idea! Go, Judas, and please don't kill yourself with the guilt."
"Whatever, Andrew!" said Judas loudly, getting up. "Yeah, yeah, I get it, I'm going." He ambled out of the room.
Jesus Christ. Why was it always him? Everybody in Heaven knew a few good Judas jokes. You know the type: Jesus loves spicy foods. Unfortunately, he often suffers from heartburn. How does he spell relief? P-U-N-C-H J-U-D-A-S.
It wasn't Judas' fault he betrayed Jesus.
Well, okay, yes it was, but that's beside the point.
On his way to the Hall of Earthly Beings, he passed a very confused Zeus, who was trying to figure out why this man named Galileo was yelling, "Eureka! A fifth moon!" every time the Norse god Loki flashed his bum at him.
Judas rolled his eyes. Scientists.
In the Hall of Earthly Beings, he punched in the girl's name and sighed. Might as well just get it over with.
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Somewhere in California
Emily laughed. "Haha, that's so totally true, and I can like do that, since I'm Jesus! Haha!"
Her sister laughed as well. "Oh, Em, you are a riot. I mean, you're so funny, Jesus!"
The two roared with laughter again.
Suddenly, Emily went silent. She frowned oddly into the distance.
"What is it?" asked her sister, waving a hand in front of Emily's eyes.
Emily looked down at her hands, palms faced up, then looked back up at her sister.
"It's so strange… I get the feeling someone just slapped me on the wrists."
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Poor Judas. Always getting made fun of, just because of that teeny tiny betrayal a couple thousand years ago. :D
Anyway, this was created from another conversation with my sister, in which she claimed to be Jesus, and we had a big laugh over how Jesus would feel about that.
Everyone got the Galilean Moons reference, right? Greek Zeus = Roman Jupiter? Four Galilean moons? Flashing your bum = mooning someone? Yes? No? Maybe? Lobster?
Thanks for reading.