Disclaimer: I do not own Deep Space 9 or any of its characters. Some dialogue in the main story and the tag is borrowed from Dominion Occupation Arc episodes and "His Way," respectively.
Spoilers: Through Season Six episode "His Way."
A/N: This is a companion piece to "Hur'q," although it does not matter which one you read first. "Hur'q's" main story ends before this one, but the tag at the end of this story takes place before the tag at the end of "Hur'q." Given that these are companion pieces involving Odo and Kira, it seems appropriate that there should be a certain fluidity and lack of linear precision to the connection between these two stories.
Tova'dok
Kira removed her boots with a weary sigh of relief, her uniform following close behind. She was left in her undershirt, glad to finally have a rare moment of relaxation. Pulling on a loose pair of pants, Kira smiled as the comfortable material whispered against her skin. As glad as she was to have Captain Sisko and the other Starfleet officers back on Terok N—Deep Space 9, Nerys, she reminded herself—she still needed rest. Kira briefly contemplated going to Quark's for a drink but discarded the idea as her eyes fell on her prayer mandala.
A nice, quiet evening meditating is just what I n—
Her door chimed, shattering the relaxed mood and jeopardizing her plans for meditation.
"Come!" she said, hoping that whoever it was would leave quickly.
The door opened, and Jadzia Dax strode into Kira's quarters. Any plans for true relaxation fled, although Kira had to admit she had been expecting a visit from Jadzia for days.
In fact, if she were not a newlywed, she probably would have been here several days ago, Kira thought.
"Hello, Nerys!" Jadzia said, all smiles. "I haven't picked a bad time, have I?"
"Not at all," Kira lied. "I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway. Rest is so hard to come by these days…"
"I know. If Benjamin calls while I'm here, just tell him I must have dropped my combadge while I was visiting earlier. I only just escaped working an extra shift as it is."
"Just be glad that when you get called to the captain's office, you don't have to worry about seeing Dukat behind the desk," Kira said.
"Good point," Dax said. "Fortunately, I brought you something that will help chase those bad memories away."
"Maraltian Seev ale?" Kira said, eyes widening as Dax revealed a bottle filled with teal liquid. "Where did you get that? Quark has doubled the price of Seev ale since the war began, although that likely has more to do with avarice than with scarcity."
"I got some from the constable," Jadzia said. "I had to drop off some security reports—at least that was the excuse I used—and I asked him if he had any Seev ale left. He correctly guessed where I was headed and gave me this bottle."
"That was…generous of him," Kira said.
"I thought so, too," Jadzia said, a mischievous grin on her face. "His exact words were, 'Give my regards to the major; good luck getting her to talk about what went on between the two of us in your 'fresher.'"
Kira chuckled at Jadzia's gravelly imitation of Odo's voice, but she cringed as she contemplated the awkward questions Jadzia was sure to ask. She covered up her uneasiness by replicating a couple of glasses for the Seev ale.
At least Odo is back to being perceptive and blunt, she thought. Anything's better than that tranquil, lethargic stare…
"I knew you'd want to talk about that," Kira said.
"You were in my 'fresher," Jadzia teased. "Surely that gives me some right to know what happened."
"Do you always remember everything that happens in your quarters?" Kira asked.
"Another good point," Dax said. "Speaking of the 'fresher, I think we should do something about these."
Dax removed her combadge and held it in her outstretched hand. She quirked an eyebrow at Kira, who let her uncertainty show.
"But what if there's an emergency?" Kira asked.
"If a platoon of Jem'Hadar manages to tiptoe through an airlock, I'm sure Benjamin will let us know over the comline. The blaring red alert klaxons will also be a giveaway," Jadzia said.
I may as well give in since my comstation will still be active, Kira thought.
She reluctantly removed her Bajoran combadge from her discarded uniform and handed it over to the Trill.
"You'd better silence your comstation as well," Jadzia said, grinning at Kira's obvious trepidation.
Dax walked back to Kira's 'fresher and emerged with a satisfied expression.
"Now the only way anyone will be able to reach us will be over the comline or the old-fashioned way," Jadzia said.
"I guess the station can survive a few hours without Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax on duty," Kira said.
Jadzia poured the ale, and they clinked their glasses together.
"Here's to never having to say, 'Good morning, Dukat,' again," Kira said.
"To new beginnings with old friends," Jadzia said.
The Seev ale soothed Kira's frazzled nerves, washing away some of the tension in her muscles. Jadzia refilled their glasses before setting the bottle beside Kira's couch. They both sat down; Kira prepared for the tough questions.
Tough questions, just like Jake's…
"What happened, Nerys?" Jadzia asked softly. "I'm not asking for an official report; I'm asking as a friend. You need to talk to someone removed from the situation. Someone who wasn't there."
"Someone who won't breathe a word of this to anyone," Kira said.
Dax hesitated, and Kira understood. Jadzia loves to gossip, but she would never betray a close friend's confidence. She might, however, feel honor-bound to report intelligence to her superior officer, who happens to be another close friend.
"Don't worry, Jadzia," Kira said. "I've already talked to Captain Sisko. He called me into his office and asked for the unofficial version of my official report. While I didn't want to tell him what happened between Odo and me, what Odo did…"
Kira trailed off, the enormity of the past several months impacting her yet again. So much had happened; so much had changed. I don't even know where to begin…
"Wherever you want to," Jadzia said, a knowing, serene smile on her face.
"Excuse me?" Kira said, hoping she had not missed part of the conversation.
"Nerys, I have over 300 years of experience with explaining overwhelming situations. Begin wherever you want to, and we'll go from there. You can even backtrack if you want. As your Prophets might say, the story does not have to be linear."
"I know you want to hear about what happened between Odo and me, but I have to first explain what happened before she showed up," Kira said, saying the word with as much affection as she normally said "Dukat."
"The female changeling?" Dax said.
Kira nodded her head curtly, her eyes blazing with remembered anger and resentment.
From the moment we met, we've battled for Odo, both of us believing him in need of rescue from the other. I almost lost him this time, and I can't take credit for doing anything to save him.
"She offered him clarity and understanding about his people, but her price…I'm getting ahead of myself. I have to make you understand…"
Kira gulped some Seev ale, but it did not lessen the tension swirling in her mind as she remembered her own subtle, gradual decline into the role of collaborator. The path to the fire caves is worn smooth with a thousand tiny compromises…
"When I was in the Shakaar, we—I—killed collaborators. These fellow Bajorans threw all types of excuses at us. 'I'm just trying to feed my family.' 'The Cardassians want what's best for Bajor.' 'I'm richer now than I was before the Cardassians came.' 'If I don't do what the Cardassians say, they'll kill me and my family.' We could not accept those excuses; if you weren't fighting them, you were helping them. I despised collaborators, sometimes more than I despised Cardassians. At least the Cardassians were doing what was best for their people; these Bajorans were selling out not only other Bajorans, but, ultimately, themselves as well."
"You were also younger, less experienced," Jadzia said. "And you were hungry for freedom. You're not the same Kira Nerys I met that first day on the station. You've grown, learned, and experienced a lot these past five years."
"That was the problem!" Kira said, leaping to her feet and pacing. "I had changed so much that I was willing to accommodate and appease my enemies—right into control of the entire Alpha Quadrant. At first, I did nothing to oppose them. Odo agreed; resistance was too risky. Any acts of rebellion could cause catastrophic reverberations throughout Bajor."
"You felt there was nothing you could do," Jadzia guessed.
"Of course there was nothing we could do, and the Dominion knew it. Dukat knew it," Kira spat. "Any resistance on our part would have been in direct violation of Bajor's non-aggression pact with the Dominion. As much as I didn't like it, I was trapped behind a forcefield of bureaucracy. It was obvious to everyone that nothing could be done."
"I take it from your tone that there was at least one exception," Jadzia said.
Kira's face softened, her eyes welling with sadness and sorrow as she remembered.
"Yassim," she whispered. "Vedek Yassim."
Jadzia patted the sofa, and Kira sat back down.
"I know you like to pace while you figure things out, but you do need to rest," Jadzia said. "Besides, you don't want any Seev ale to slosh out of your glass."
"We can't have that," Kira said. "Odo would never forgive me."
Her face darkened, thoughts of Odo and forgiveness assaulting her. We talked once, but that doesn't mean I've completely—
"I know you read my official report, so you probably know where this is heading," Kira said.
"This isn't about reporting facts, Nerys," Jadzia said, lightly touching Kira's arm. "This is about understanding the truth. While I have some idea where this is going, you need to say the words yourself."
"You're right," Kira said. "I do. Not just for myself, but for her. When she came to see me, she looked like she was expecting to see Kira Nerys of the Shakaar. I suppose she figured I would be, how did you put it? 'hungry for freedom.' She wanted to know what I was doing to fight the Dominion and where she could sign up for the Resistance. 'Evil must be opposed!' she said to me. I responded not as Kira Nerys of the Shakaar, but as Major Kira, Timid Bureaucrat."
Kira resumed her pacing; Jadzia's face seemed to indicate her acceptance of the inevitable.
"I told her all the right things," Kira said, staring off into nothing as she paced. "I told her there was nothing anyone could do. 'Protests and demonstrations aren't going to change anything; they're just going to cause trouble for everyone.' 'Fighting isn't an option. This is different than the Cardassian Occupation.' 'We're talking about unarmed Vorta facilitators. They come in, do the job, and they're gone.' Overnight, I had turned into what I had once despised most: a collaborator."
"Nerys, you're being too hard—"
"I killed Va'atrick because he caught me searching his shop for the list of collaborators," Kira said as if Dax had not spoken. "I regretted the necessity, but in the end, he made one less collaborator we had to worry about. My friendship with Odo was forged in blood, in lies…in betrayal. Several times, he has held my life in his hands, hands that can change into anything. Solid steel, so cold and unyielding…I think I've had too much Seev ale."
"But that's not going to stop you from finishing the bottle with me," Jadzia said, pouring the last of the ale into both glasses.
"Of course not," Kira said, mockingly raising her refilled tumbler. "What's one more little glass?"
"That's the spirit."
Kira groaned at the terrible pun.
"I guess some jokes transcend cultural barriers," Kira said.
"Anything to keep the mood—and the bottle—light," Jadzia said.
"It worked," Kira said, savoring the Seev ale. "Thanks, Jadzia. I've missed this. I've missed you. As much as your constant prying annoys me sometimes, I know you'll be there for me for those rare moments when I want to talk. Besides, after spending so much time in the company of Dukat, Weyoun, and Damar, even Quark seems less annoying by comparison."
"That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me today," Jadzia said. "Of course, given that we've spent the past week cleaning up the mess left by the Dominion…"
Jadzia trailed off, and Kira realized that Dax was probably reacting to the sorrow she saw on Kira's face.
"The Dominion Occupation was sometimes a messy business," Kira said bitterly, resuming her pacing. "Some messes were cleaned up with far too little care. 'Vedek, you just don't understand,' I told her. She replied that the next day, we would both understand. I put it out of my mind, focusing on the numerous jobs I had to do. On my way to Yassim's scheduled protest, I mentally ran through the steps I'd have to take if she actually started protesting. I'd have to verbally admonish her to cease protesting immediately; we had signed a treaty with the Dominion at the behest of the Emissary himself, after all. If she refused, I'd have to use force, Odo and his security officers at my side. While I was reluctant to arrest her, I decided that peace must be preserved at all costs."
"You were doing exactly what Benjamin told you to do," Jadzia said. "He wanted Bajor to stay neutral, to stay out of the fighting."
"Odo said the same thing to me after Yassim…it comforted me as little then as it does now. When I showed up on the Promenade at the scheduled time, I was relieved to see no trace of Yassim or any other potential protestors. 'The last thing I want to do is to start arresting Bajoran civilians on the Promenade,' I told Odo. Jake showed up, and I glibly told him that there probably wasn't going to be any story for him this time. He said he'd received something from Yassim claiming the protest would start at exactly 1400 hours. I started to deny the likelihood of that, but then I noticed the crowd noise increasing. Someone yelled out, 'What's she doing?' or something like that, so I turned around. I saw…"
Kira took a long drink of Seev ale, frowning at the nearly empty cup. She didn't know if she had enough alcohol in her to finish the story. Come on, Major, she thought. Surely after all you've been through, you can handle confessing your sins to a trusted friend. Dax remained silent, her 300-odd years obviously telling her to let Kira finish at her own pace.
"Vedek Yassim was standing on the wrong side of the upper Promenade railing, her heels resting on the narrow ledge. The noose around her neck was only part of a properly-measured rope tied to the Promenade handrail. She stood there for a moment, dignified in spite of her somewhat awkward pose. 'Evil must be opposed!' she said loudly, her voice carrying over the Promenade. Before she jumped, her eyes met mine. Her eyes were so full…anger, determination, frustration…challenge. Most of all, challenge. As our eyes met, I felt as if my pagh were laid bare, stripped naked before her penetrating gaze. She saw everything…she made me see everything. I could see it all so clearly…It was…"
"Tova'dok," Jadzia said softly.
"Excuse me?" Kira said, furrowing her brow.
"Tova'dok," Jadzia repeated. "It's a Klingon term that loses most of its meaning in translation. The best way I can describe it is as a moment of clarity between two warriors on a field of battle."
"Would the Klingons recognize the Promenade as a field of battle even though there were no bat'leth fights or disruptor duels?" Kira asked.
"While Klingons are bloodthirsty and live—and die—for honorable combat, they are also a highly symbolic people. Worf told me about a moment of tova'dok he and Martok shared at the Dominion prison camp. Martok and Worf were required to fight Jem'Hadar soldiers in a ring every day, one after another. Worf, of course, fought valiantly and well, but he tired of the constant, purposeless battle. One day, he stepped into the circle with the intention of allowing the Jem'Hadar to kill him. Martok caught his eye, and Worf could tell that Martok knew what he was planning. As their eyes connected, Worf experienced a moment of clarity in which he realized that to carry through with his plan would be dishonorable. He claims that Martok gave him his warrior's spirit, saving Worf's life—and his honor."
"That sounds like what Vedek Yassim did for me," Kira said, draining the last of her Seev ale. "Major Kira the Timid Bureaucrat was ready to arrest Yassim in an attempt to appease the occupying forces, but Yassim called out to Kira Nerys of the Shakaar. As the rope pulled taut and her neck snapped, I felt as if Major Kira the Timid Bureaucrat's neck snapped, too. She was dead, and Major Kira Nerys would do what she was meant to do: oppose evil. I wanted to run to Yassim's body, but Odo and Jake held me back. Odo reached out and grabbed my shoulder; Jake didn't even have to look back at me when he held out a restraining hand. In spite of the way I'd been acting, he did not question what the Kira Nerys he knew would do. Vedek Yassim restored my warrior's spirit, in a true moment of…toruk'doh?"
Jadzia's eyes widened, and she began laughing uncontrollably.
"What's so funny?" Kira said.
"You meant to say 'tova'dok.' I guess you missed the heartwarming moment when Sirella crashed my party since you were…busy, but let's just say that saying 'toruk'doh' will get a d'k tahg pulled on you faster than Martok and Worf can empty a bottle of bloodwine."
"I stand corrected, and will make sure to never again confuse the terms. Of course, that might just be the Seev ale talking…"
"Curzon knew the best Klingon curses; he would appreciate the confusion of terms and would wish he had thought of it himself. Speaking of Seev ale, what are we going to do about these?" Jadzia asked, waving her empty glass.
"I think I've had enough to drink for today," Kira said.
"But you still haven't told me about what happened between you and Odo," Jadzia said.
"I haven't had enough to drink after all," Kira said.
"Speaking of bloodwine, I could really go for some right now. Martok gave Worf and me a bottle of the best vintage as a wedding present."
"I'm not a big fan of bloodwine, but I know it has a lot of alcohol in it," Kira said. "If I'm going to be talking about Odo—"
"Sisko to Kira," her room suddenly said.
Kira contemplated hurling her glass at the wall, but changed her mind when she remembered she'd have to clean up the mess.
"Kira here," she said.
"I'm sorry to bother you during your time off, Major, but a top-priority message just came in from First Minister Shakaar."
"Go on," Kira said, not desiring a conversation with her ex-lover in her emotional state.
"He said he tried to contact you personally, but you were not answering your comstation. Bajor is in desperate need of supplies, especially since most people refused help from the Vorta facilitators. Given that the last time you handled a supply issue, Shakaar ended up First Minister, he thinks you're the right person to help Bajor."
"I'll get started immediately, sir," Kira said, the effects of the Seev ale already wearing off.
"I was hoping you would, Major," Sisko said. "And Dax?"
Jadzia frantically gestured at Kira, telling her in no uncertain terms that she was not available.
"Sorry, sir, but Dax is not here. She visited me a few hours ago, but she left."
"Her combadge signature says she's with you, but I guess she dropped it somewhere. That's too bad. Worf came by at the end of his shift and suggested—"
"I'm here, Benjamin!" Jadzia said, perking up at the mention of her new husband. "I was in the 'fresher when you asked for me. Kira is such a practical joker."
"She is, indeed," Sisko said, clearly not fooled. "Since you're here, I'll relay Worf's message. He said that instead of working a double shift, he felt it prudent to attend the constable's meeting about station security. He assured me that you would be delighted to do the same, and that you would report to the staff room immediately."
"I'd be delighted," Jadzia said.
Looks like the honeymoon's over, as the Terrans say, Kira thought, grinning.
"I thought you might. Congratulations on marrying a man so dedicated to his work."
"I'm so glad I listened to you, Benjamin," Jadzia said.
"As much fun as this conversation has been, we all have work to do, people. Sisko out."
Kira examined her empty glass woefully, noticing that Dax was doing the same.
"At least all you have to do is sit there and glare at Worf for a few hours," Kira said. "I actually have to do something."
"Yeah, but you got out of talking about Odo—for now."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll corner me again sometime soon," Kira said. "Just make sure you bring a bottle of something when you do."
"Take care of yourself, Nerys," Dax said, walking toward the door.
"Thanks, Jadzia," Kira said, smiling softly.
Dax left, and Kira climbed back into her uniform.
I owe it to Yassim to make sure those supplies get to Bajor quickly, Kira thought. After what she gave me, it's the least I can do.
She cast a fleeting look at her prayer mandala before leaving her quarters.
Walk with the Prophets, Yassim…
XXX
Kira strode along the Promenade next to Jadzia, oblivious to the flow of people. After minutes of staring off into space while walking on autopilot, Kira abruptly came out of her reverie when Dax broke the silence.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" she said.
"Oh, there's nothing wrong," Kira assured her, pausing for a moment. "Have you ever had a moment of pure clarity? A moment where the truth just seems to leap up and grab you by the throat?"
"I bet this has something to do with your visit with Shakaar," Jadzia said, grinning suggestively.
"Ugh, this has nothing to do with Shakaar," Kira said, irritated that not even 300 years of experience could deter Jadzia's single-mindedness. "Now tell me, have you ever had a moment like that?"
"One or two, but of course that's over a span of seven lifetimes," Jadzia said.
"Only two moments of clarity in seven lifetimes," Kira said skeptically.
"Nerys, total clarity is a very rare thing," Jadzia said.
"I guess so."
"And when it comes to you, it's important that you act on it because, believe me, confusion and doubt will take over before you know it," Jadzia said, her blue eyes growing serious.
Odo's door swooshed open, drawing Kira's attention to the security office. He strode out and handed a PADD to one of his officers, instructing him to investigate the contents.
"You're absolutely right," Kira said, everything coming together in her mind for the second time in two days. "Makes perfect sense."
"Don't tell me you're having another 'moment of clarity,'" Jadzia said.
"That's two in two days," Kira said, beaming.
"That's amazing," Jadzia said, grinning back.
They both chuckled softly, clutching hands.
Tova'dok, Kira thought before walking away from Jadzia and squaring her shoulders for the upcoming battle.