One hour...
... The guys are waiting for me downstairs to say good bye. I'm ready to leave... am I? Let's see... I got my pyjamas my personal things, shirts, pants, trinkets and etc. Araso! Everything's packed! Isn't it?
And as I looked around the room... It felt half empty, hall filled.
Hankyung's POV
Ah! So tired...
I walked around the studio to just enjoy myself. I looked at the people, all of them were busy. There's no time to relax, no time to smooth things over, no time to take a break, no time to stop... yeah, this is what it's like; being an adult. In this world... nothing stops anything.
No... I don't want anything to stop... for the reason—
"Excuse me, Mr Han Geng" A cool female voice sounded behind me, I looked at her. "You have to proceed to the conference room"
"Okay" Han Geng said and followed the lady. Yeah... there's no time to stop, not now... not ever.
During the conference the reporters asked me a lot of things... the same questions I have been answering for years such as 'how are you feeling now your next album is to be released', 'what do you see yourself in the near future?', 'how's your love life?' and etc. Same old questions... same answers.
Good thing is that it'll end in 5 minutes, and then I can go and host some program and promote my next album.
"Alright, last question" One reporter said. I looked at him with a neutral smile. But there's something in his face, reluctance? Doubt? I don't know. "Articles said that Kim Heechul of Super Junior is leaving for military services this September first, and it seemed that Super Junior has only 8 members to get on going"
"8?" I asked in confusion, it should be 9...
"Choi Siwon has been busy for his acting career for Poseidon" The reporter said. I looked stupid for not knowing about my past friends. Why? Do I really know their lives now? Honestly, I haven't been in touch with them. "Ever since you left the group, the band has been shaky. Some members are now on their own; do you think Super Junior will survive?"
This question. Irritation struck me, of course Super Junior can hold on to the end. But then, I left...
"Super Junior will survive. That's all, thank you" I said though there's uncertainty in my mind.
After the conference I went home to have a rest, I still have a big day tomorrow. But there's something bothering me... that last question.
Do you think Super Junior will survive?
It's inevitable...
Time is really moving fast. I realized... now to think about it, I still have my future to plan for. Did the members think about their futures as well?
I remembered the times when we were in some shows; we were care free and happy. We made our fans smile and laugh in our own ways. I was happy that I was with them; as long we have each other, we'll be okay... right? How wrong I was...
Heechul... my bestest friend.
How long has it been?
2 years. I closed my eyes and shook my head... Don't look in the past anymore...
Hours passed, I couldn't sleep. I look at my wall clock; it's already 1 am... damn! I must get some sleep! I know there are things bothering me, but why can't I shake it off? My conscience been telling me to look up on the internet for some news about the Super Junior, but I need to sleep. But still, my mind won't rest, my heart throbbing hard, and I'm not getting drowsiness.
Fine!
I turned on the computer and stared blankly at the monitor for quite some time. Where to start? I browsed on some articles... Heechul is really going to the army; I haven't been in touch with him for these past few days. I was really busy with my career. I searched to some of their shows; there were some pictures of them promoting their album Mr. Simple.
I smiled as I see their smile... but it was never the same. Those smile seemed to be just temporary... their faces may be smiling but there's something missing. Their eyes no longer glow with happiness just like back then. I looked at Leeteuk's face, there were tiresome lines on his face, but nevertheless he never fail to smile in front of the camera.
Again I looked at them... I could have been there too... and promoting the album. But then, if I haven't left, will Kibum still be active in the group?
Ah... this is the reason why I don't want to stop over at things. I always find myself still thinking of the past. Aniyo... I must move on, I don't want these things to stop me. I endured quite a lot and no one can understand those hardships I felt. This is me; I'm strong enough for myself, I don't want to remember the things happened in the past, I'll never let any weakness to stop me now... not now.
I shook my head and I know this would be the last I'll search about my ex group. I was about to close the computer when I read the word 'superman', I guess it's another song. Should I listen? I searched up on the internet and looked at the mv.
"Who would be able to say we've finished..."
"Should I pluck the stars for you, count them
One, two, three
With the stars we've lost
We are thirteen stars..."
"Even if the road we walk is barren,
We are in the end, Super Junior
THE LAST MAN STANDING!..."
As I listened to the song... tears started to fall from both of my eyes. I never thought it would come to this way... Although the song says that Super Junior is still going strong, but the truth, they were struggling to hold on... One by one the members are disappearing. Leeteuk still considering me as one of them... it really hurts... because I left them without properly saying goodbye...
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...
Something urged me to send them a message... at least a support for them. Though I haven't opened my email for how many days, I want to send them a letter. I can't call them since I lost contact of them. When I opened my mail, there are a lot of notifications, mails from other companies and etc. But there's one mail that catches my attention.
A mail letter from Heechul.
Hankyung-ah~~
How are you? Are you doing well? How's your health?
You might be wondering why I sent you a mail; it's just that I want to see you before I
go to the camp and do my duty there. Why? Because I wanted to give you something,
some sort of remembrance from the present me... the me that you knew ever since.
After the military, I know I'll be a changed person already. That's why I want to give
it to you while you can still recognize me... I've not been nice to you and I really
regret it now.
Please... I really want to see you now before I leave. Please... you never knew
How I felt as you leave. Just once... please, just this once let me see you again. So that
I'll have a reason to why I still exist... Please
Yours, Heechul
Reading Heechul's letter brought another pain in my heart. Heechul needed me but I was never there... what kind of best friend am I? I kept on ignoring those people who were there for me... Because of my pride, faces were saddened, tears were shed, and hearts were broken...
Some sort of inspiration came to me... to make amends and to see them. I smiled at the thought, because deep within me was the desire to see them again.
Don't worry Heechul... I'll be there before you leave.
I packed some clothes and other necessary things. I called my manager to cancel my schedule for this day for some reasons.
I want see them, I must see them
I called a cab to take me at the airport. I don't care if the plane fare was expensive, I don't give a heck what the others will say to me now, I don't care if I didn't get a sleep. I'm willing to do this... for my best friend. The best friend who was always there for me and who understands me inside and out. My best friend, brother, and family.
I took a plane around 5:00 am and arrived at Seoul around 7:00 am. I immediately took a cab going to Super Junior's dorm. It's still early... I know, and I don't care. If Heechul wishes to see me, then I'll come to see him too.
I looked at my watch... 7:30. Heechul's leaving today... I might catch him, even though we have too little time to spend, it will be the greatest time I've ever experience. I passed first to our favorite shop to buy something to eat for the guys. I know they love to eat Kimbap. I went inside the shop... things weren't the same anymore. We usually eat here for some snacks.
There were a few people sitting inside... early people. I sat at one table after I placed my order. Some people were looking at me. Do they recognize me? I hope not... I put on my sun glass. My order came and I immediately went out of the shop and ride the cab again.
It was until I looked outside... the super junior dorm came into view.
My heart pounded more... how am I going to face them?
The cab made its stop in front of the gate and I gave him the fare. Nothing much changed here... it was still the same old dorm I remembered entering during my trainee days.
I stood there... staring at the structure. Everytime I make a move, memories starts to flood inside my head and my heart slowly break into pieces over and over. I don't know how to face them... what should I say? Sorry? But it's not amendable... 2 years and sorry does not suffice that long period of time.
"Brothers..." I croaked. I don't know what to do next... should I knock? Should I call? Or should I just leave? I didn't move... I just looked at the structure. It was until the front door opened, and I came face to face with the members who came out one by one.
They looked at me; I looked at them with my heart pounding. I could see their bloodshot eyes and puffy face... fresh from crying. All of them looked at me in confusion; I guess they had not recognized me. Just seeing their sad faces, made me want to back out... to just run away and forget this ever happened.
I can't face them like this.
I don't want to see them like this.
I felt a lump on my throat. I was about to move away when-
"Hankyung-ah" I heard Leeteuk hyung said. I stopped on my tracks. The lump in my throat became tighter and tears threatened my eyes. "Turn around" He said but I didn't turn around. I couldn't bear to look at him...
"I'm too ashamed..." My voice quivered as I said those words. "I can't look at you"
"I said, look at me!" I flinched at his yelling, it's my first time to receive raised voice from him. He was always gentle and serene. I looked at him; there was disappointment in his eyes.
I looked at the other members; their eyes were as wide as 100 won. They're still recovering from the shock seeing me today. Ryeowook covered his mouth with the side of his fist, Eunhyuk seemed to be holding back his tears, Donghae and Shindong were looking at me as though they could not believe I was here, Yesung's mouth were gaped, Kyuhyun placed his arm around Sungmin who covered his mouth with both of his hand. But where's Heechul?
It's been a long time. I looked back at Leeteuk hyung and felt his cold stare. He's mad at me, I know it.
"Hyung I..." I started; I want to explain myself to him like a child confessing his sin to his mother. But then, Leeteuk hyung pulled me into a hug tightly and sobbed on my shoulder.
"Hankyung-ah..." He spoke in very soft and gentle manner. "I'm so sorry I let you suffer all those hardship, I'm so sorry I've forgotten my responsibility for you, I'm so sorry I'm not there to protect you, I'm so sorry that I was not able to understand you... forgive me..."
Tear flowed like river from my eyes as he said those words.
"Hy-hyung?" I choked "I-it's should b-be I who sh-should be s-sorry..." I find it difficult to utter more words because of the tight lump on my throat.
"Aniyo..." Leeteuk hyung said and hold my face to look at him. He was really crying. "I just let it all happen... what kind of hyung am I that just left my dongsaeng to suffer?"
"Hyung p-please don't s-say that!" I said and heard the other members were already crying. "It's m-my fault, I'm so s-selfish, I didn't f-foresee what is going to h-happen in the future after l-I left you... Hyung... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry!"
"Hyung, we missed you" Eunhyuk said with his voice quivering. Leeteu hyung opened his arms to invite the other members for a hug. Without hesitation, the members hugged us.
We let our tears to stream, not caring what will happen next... We sat there for quite some time, feeling each others' presence... not wanting to let go of each other... not wanting to let anything disrupt everything. It felt that parts of my heart began to fill... although it painful, but still it was forming one by one. But where is Heechul...
"Hyung..." I whispered... "Where's Heechul?"
"Hyung... Heechul had gone to the camp an hour ago..." Sungmin said slowly...
I just stared at them blankly... I couldn't understand this feeling... a mixture of disappointment, failure, and emptiness... an hour...
"I'm one hour late..." I said softly... staring into nothingness, I felt like I just lost everything. "I never even got to say goodbye... I failed granting his wish to see me... I'm useless..." I said. The others looked t me with a warm expression.
"Hyung..." Yesung said. "Heechul left something for you" I looked at the members, they gave me a warm smile, I looked at them like a kid whom they promised to buy a candy. I never felt so understood...
"Come... he left it on your room" Kyuhyun said while smiling at me.
Together, as a team, we went towards the room I shared with Heechul and Kibum. The room... our room. As we arrived to the room, it was still the same although it was empty but there are a lot of memories filled. Half empty yet half full. I looked on every corner of the room... I could see visions of yesterday... as though a black and white picture playing within the depths of this room.
Half joy... half terrible sadness...
I could see me and Heechul taking selcas, drinking soju, using the computer together, laughing, having our Korean lesson, and understanding each other... Heechul must have seen these visions too. I realized how Heechul has to suffer in this room that contains our memories together. No wonder his depression lasted for three months... I'm surprised how anyone could handle this.
Heechul... you're strong.
I went towards the bedside table, our pictures together was still there. I looked at myself in that old photograph. I was really happy... because I've got a best friend like him, brothers like Super Junior members... and a family from all of them. I looked at myself at the mirror.
A successful man with his heart in vain who just kept on denying it.
Yes... I'm in vain.
I noticed a booklet on the cabinet with a title "My friends, Brothers, Family" embedded to it with such careful and artistic manner. It was like a book with white covering and pink lace. Then below the title was "to my Hankyung".
I browsed every pages and found several pictures of us from trainee days until 2009. Everything was really cared for... a collage of our successes... where it all started.
It does not matter what you are... the important is, you're my friend
Those words struck me... he kept on saying that whenever I doubt everything. I was touched... there were words of friendship attached in this booklet. I flipped several page when I spotted a drawing of 2 persons on a bridge. One holding a camera, while the other one stares at the view while leaning on the fence.
There is a friend of mine
Although his Korean is poor but his Chinese is very good
His singing is not so good but his dancing is excellent
I like cats while that friend likes dogs
I cant cook while that friend cooks very well
Although I curse everyday but that friend just laughs
But..
Time has passed and I have never been nice to him I'm really sorry..
That I have never been nice to him when he's still beside me
I'm not a sentimental person in particular
I just got drunk while watching the tears fall out
It's a very happy and precious thing when you have someone beside you
But me who is old and already grown-up still havent realized that
But
It's late…I know it now..really..
It seems that beautiful words dont exist for nothing^-^
I miss you.. it seems that i'm going to write these words at times like this(-)
Me who didnt even cry when filming the sad scene
is now shedding the very hot tears
(A/N heechul really wrote this)
My tears broke out as I read each sentence... I'm sorry Heechul... I'm so sorry...
I felt a hand on my back and looked at Shindong who smiled at me. "He gave us a booklet about our friendship too..." He said. "But you know... Heechul will be always Heechul, he may change his appearance and everything..."
"His heart remains the same" Donghae finished Shindong's statement. I smiled bitterly at them. Just then, Leeteuk hyung's phone ringed. Leeteuk hyung looked at his phone.
"A video message from Heechul" Leeteuk said.
"Hyung! Let's watch!" Kyuhyun said. We went to the nearest computer and converted it. We opened the video and saw Heechul, with his blood shot eyes. My heart dropped, it's my first time to see him in that manner.
"YAH!" He called joyfully. "Guys, please don't be sad now I'm on the camp... because I'll be back to cause all of your miseries!" He laughed. His laughter... was the same as I heard before... it was tinkling with glee. "I have a message for each of you...
Eeteukie you! I'll be seeing you next year, you old uncle! (Leeteuk pouted, but at the same time he smiled)
Yesungie~~~ when I get back I'm going to eat your turtle okay? So make it fat! (Yesung's eyes widened with fear and laughter)
ShinDongie! Don't get slim! I still want you as the teddy bear of my dongsaengs, araso? (Shindong laughed)
Yah hyukjae... nice weather! Let your weird smell to disappear, by the way, return my shirt! (Eunhyuk laughed though there were tears on his eyes)
Donghae~ah? Don't let Eunhyuk eat too much sweet! And you don't eat too much seafood! (Donghae raised his eyebrows while smiling)
Shiwonnn~~~ you better teach Kyuhyun some manners or I'll teach you manners! But you know, I'm more handsome than you.
Kibummie! Even though you're not that active, I want you to know... you're so gorgeous!
Sungmin, you're not cute as you think you are (Sungmin pouted) Because you're getting old! AHAHAHHAHAHA~~~
Ryeowookie~ my adorable dongsaeng! I'm going to miss your whines! (Ryeowook cried while smiling)
Kyuhyun... you evil magnae! I'm going to kick your butt as I return; you wait (Kyuhyun laughed out loud) Not using formalities towards me eh?"
Heechul smiled at the recorder. So I guess he's going to say his farewell to the suju members.
"You know guys... it really pains me to leave because I will not be able to see you in two years. But don't worry... I know how to find my way home... I know there's an open door waiting for me to come in. You guys are the best thing happened to me. You know... this morning... I went to a particular shop for some snack... when I saw a tall guy, with black hair, wearing black coat, white undershirt, black jeans who ordered a bunch of Kimbap. I think it was a Chinese guy..." Heechul's voice quivered and tears starts to form in both of our eyes. "My heart pounded as I saw this guy... I was really happy I was able to see him. He came... he didn't fail to grant me my wish. I want to tell him, no matter what he is, he's still my friend from the very beginning until now... Hankyungie~~~ you're there at the Super Junior dorm; I want to say thank you for granting my wish. I was able to see you with the other members because I followed you. I was happy... our family is still there... someday, we will become whole... I will wait for that day. Maybe not now... but I'm willing to wait. Thank you all for everything... Please wait for my return... ANYEONGHI HASEO!" Heechul waved frantically in front of the camera smiling while crying.
My heart lifted. I let out a sigh of relief and happiness. This feeling... is more than just winning an award... but I won my friends back. It's what mattered most... When you're going down, your friends will help you go up again... ah... nae chinggu.
This is the happiest day of my life.
The prodigal son has returned... and was welcomed by his father with open arms... (A/N Parable of the lost son). Super Junior... the last man standing!
"Yah... I'm hungry. Where's that Kimbap Heechul hyung told us you bought?" Eunhyuk said who just received a lot of stare from the other members. "What?" he said innocently.
(A/N: I was crying as I write this. I also submitted this in asianfic. this is dedicated to all ELFs who shares the same feeling as I am, hope you'll enjoy the story :))