American Pie Presents: The Stifler Reunion Screenplay By: Austin Vargas Based on Characters by Adam Herz
It Begins.
The Camera shows Zack Stifler(Now 18 years old) sitting at his Computer watching Porn, he pulls out some Lubricant and spreads it on both hands, he then begins to pleasure himself.
Down stairs Cadence is prparing for a Stifler family reunion, the door bell rings, Cadence answers the door, it's Matt Stifler and his Wife, Elyse Stifler.
Cadence:" Hi! "
Elyse:" Hello! I know where here a little early for the family reunion"
Cadence:" No, its alright, come on in"
They both walk in.
Elyse:" Hey, where's Zack?"
Cadnece:" I think he's up in his room you can go say hi, if you want"
Elyse:" I think I will, you want to come Matt"
Matt:" Why? I'll see his ass when comes down stairs"
Elyse:" Okay, just thought I might ask"
She heads up stairs.
Back in his room he still watches Porn and Masturbates.
Elyse barges in his room.
Zack:" Aunt Elyse!"
He Ejaculates, it hits her face.
Elyse:" AH!"
She freaks out and walks backwards, she trips and falls down the stairs.
Zack pulls his pants up walks to the edge of the stairs and sees what he has done.
Zack:" SHIT!"
The title shows upon the screen, and the American Pie Theme plays,
with Opening Credits following.
Camera shows an ambulance truck, putting Elyse in the back.
Steve Stifler(Zack's father, a.k.a The Original Stifler)is standing next to Zack, he puts his hand on Zack's shoulder.
Steve:" Cheer up, at least now you can tell your friends, you came in a chicks face"
Zack:" Shut the fuck up, Dad"
Steve:" Ha ha"
Steve walks away.
Later... the Reunion has already started, the whole family is there, Steve Stifler, Cadence Stifler, Jeanine Stifler, Matt Stifler,
Elyse Stifler,Erik Stifler, Dwight Stifler, Harry Stifler & his wife, Scott Stifler & his parents, and Zack Stifler.
We see Zack meeting Scott, which he has never met.
Scott:" So you're Steve's son?"
Zack:" Yeah, what about it"
Zack says still looking depressed about the Elyse incident.
Scott:" I'm your Uncle Scott"
Zack:" Oh yeah I've heard of you, your the one that was fucked by a moose"
Zack laughs.
Scott:" And I heard you jizzed in Elyse's face causing her to fall down the stairs"
Scott laughs, flips Zack off, and walks away.
Erik Stifler approaches Zack.
Erik:" Whats up, Zack?"
Zack:" didn't you hear the Elyse thing?"
Erik:" yeah, she fell down the stairs"
Zack:" Do you know who caused that shit?"
Erik:" No, Who?"
Zack:" Me"
Erik:" Oh no, what happened?"
Zack:" I sort of...um...how do I put this? Ejaculated in her face"
Erik tries not to laugh.
Zack:" Pretty Fuckin stupid right?"
Erik:" Well, yeah but you see a couple of years ago, I faked sickness to stay home and masturbate, while my parents went to pick up my grandma, then walked in I jizzed on my grandma, causing her death"
Zack laughs.
Erik:" it's true"
Zack:" Man thats Fuckin classic"
Erik:" and if you still keep thinking about it their is one man who can help anyone with problems"
Zack:" Who?"
Scene switches to the sound of a doorbell, a man answers the door and sees Zack Stifler, the man is revealed to be Noah Levenstein(Jim's Dad).
Zack:" Hello , do you remember the Stiffmeister, Zack Stifler"
Noah:" Oh yes, your Steven's son"
Zack:" Well sir, I need some advice"
Noah:" Sure come on in and sit down"
Zack explains the situation.
Noah:" Well, thats a very uh...interesting story there, Zack"
Zack:" interesting my ass, it fuckin pisses me off"
Noah:" Well, I think you should apologize to Matt about it, and hope he excepts it"
Zack:" Yeah, I geuss I could do that"
Zack stands up.
Zack:" Thanks "
Noah:" Don't mention it, I'm here to talk, anytime you need me"
Zack leaves and goes back to his house.
When he gets back he looks around for Matt.
Zack:" Hey Dad, where's Uncle Matt?"
Steve:" How the fuck am I supposed to know, I'm not a fuckin explorer, find him yourself, Fuckface"
Zack looks around and then sees him, he walks over to him, Matt is on the phone with Elyse.
Matt:" Ok, well call me if you need anything, love you, bye"
Zack:" uh...Hey Uncle Matt, I'm really sorry about what happened"
Matt:" No its cool dude, she surprised you, don't blame yourself, she should be fine in a few weeks"
Zack smiles, and Matt smiles back.
Dwight Stifler interupts.
Dwight:" Aw, what a touching moment"
Dwight laughs.
Matt:" Get the Fuck out of here, Ass wipe!"
Dwight keeps laughing and walks away.
Later, Zack is approached by Harry Stifler.
Harry:" Hows it going Zack?"
Zack:" this reunion is fuckin lame"
Harry:" yeah I geuss...So have you lost your virginity yet, or are you gonna take forever like my son Erik"
Zack:" Hell Fuckin yeah I lost my virginity"
Harry:" When?"
Zack:" 5th Grade"
Harry:" Not bad, but a little late"
Zack:" What do you mean?"
Harry:" I mean all other Stiflers, except for my son, lost their virginity sometime before 5th"
Zack:" Holy shit"
Harry:" yep, but I geuss its not a surprise, being a Stifler and all"
Zack:" Yeah"
Harry:" Heard about the incident, so I thought ask you had gotten laid yet"
Steve:" Alright Fuckers, Listen Up!"
It goes silent.
Steve:" Its getting late and many of you came a far way, so we all are going to divide up, Me, Cadence, Uncle Harry, Mom, and the rest of the adults are going to stay at a Hotel, because theres not enough room in this Fuckin house, and the rest will stay here"
Cadence:" So everybody needs to get into there cars and follow us to the hotel"
All of the Adults go out to there Cars.
Steve is about to leave.
Zack:" Bye Dad"
Steve:" Hasta La Vista, Fucker"
Steve laughs and leaves.
Dwight:" Ok, I say we wait till there gone then throw a party"
Zack:" Hell yeah, count me in"
Matt:" Me too"
Scott:" Will there be alcohal?"
Dwight:" Definitely, my friend, all you can drink"
Scott:" I'm in"
Erik:" go ahead and count me in too"
Dwight:" Alright its settled, lets do this shit!"
Later, the Party is going on, a bunch of people, including a ton of gorgeous girls, some Zack's age, some older.
Camera shows Dwight having a drinking contest with Scott.
Dwight:" You alright there? You're looking awful, you should give up"
Scott:" Fuck No, this stuff is like water to me"
Matt walks up to two girls, he pulls out his Camcorder and starts recording.
Matt:" Alright Girls, lets play Stifler Says"
Girl #1:" Okay"
Matt:" Stifler says, flash for the camera"
All 3 of the girls flash thier breast. Erik Stands next to Matt and watches.
Matt:" Stifler says, you two make out, and now you kiss the Stiffmeister"
2 of the girls begin to make out and the other girl goes to kiss him.
He stops her.
Matt:" sorry, didn't say Stifler says, your out"
We then see Zack, talking to his friends Robert and Joe.
Robert:" this party is sick, bro"
Joe:" Hell yeah this is fuckin awesome"
Zack:" Fuck Yeah, does the Stiffmeister, ever let down"
Robert:" Geuss not"
Zack then sees Jennifer(the girl he had to cancel "plans" with due to a Christmas Vacation).
Zack:" Hey Cock Fucks, check it out"
Robert:" Holy Hell, its Jennifer, thats the chick you had to cancel plans with"
Zack:" No Shit, Sherlock!"
Joe:" You should go see if you can get a second chance"
Zack:" You know, I think I will"
Zack walks over to Jennifer.
Zack:" Hey, Jennifer"
Jennifer:" Oh, Zack! Hi! Great Party!"
Zack:" Thanks"
Jennifer:" So this is how your family reunions are? My family just plays board games, and talk about stupid stuff"
Zack:" Actually, this is the first family reunion, alot of my family I hadn't met until today"
Jennifer:" Really?"
Zack:" Yep"
Jennifer:" Wow"
They are silent and start to watch the drink contest between Scott and Dwight, Dwight is still winning, and Scott looks as if he is about to throw up.
Dwight:" Ready to give up?"
Scott:" N-n-no, I'm F-fine"
Dwight drinks another shot.
Scott goes for takes a sip, then hurls on the floor.
Scott:" I feel better now!"
Dwight:" Dwight Stifler Never Looses!"
Scott is now beyond Drunk, he walks up to a guy near him.
Scott:" Is there anymore *burp* Beer"
Guy:" No we ran out"
Scott:" Th-th-thats okay, I'll go buy some"
Guy:" Hey are you sure, you should be driving, your drunk"
Scott:" Ha ha! You're funny, you know that...What were you saying?"
Guy:" I said, you probably shouldn't drive, your drunk"
Scott:" Yeah, I like Vodka too, Mom"
Guy:" What?"
Scott walks away, he walks out of the house.
Back to where Zack and Jennifer are.
Jennifer:" Uh...Zack"
Zack:" What?"
Jennifer:" Can I see your room?"
Zack:" Hell Yeah! Come with me!"
Outside, Scott gets in his car and starts it up, he backs up, bumps into a car, he doesn't notice he just drives off.
Scene changes to at the hotel, Steve and Cadence, are in a room, making out.
Cadence:" Steven, I think you should go to the house and check on Zack"
Steve:" Fuck No! The Fucker will be fine"
Cadence:" Please?"
Steve:" Alright fine, but when I come back, you got to blow me, deal?"
Cadence:" Deal"
Steve:" Alright"
He kisses her one last time and leaves.
Back at the house, Zack and Jennifer, arrive in his room, Jennifer looks around at all of the dirty posters.
She sits on his bed.
Jennifer:" So, do you like me"
Zack:" Of Course, your Fuckin Hot"
Jennifer:" Then what happened with our 'playdate' last year"
Zack:" Well you see, I kind of came home and was told I was leaving for Christmas Vacation, I wanted to stay more than anything, but was dragged off by my parents, sorry"
Jennifer:" Why didn't you tell me that?"
Zack:" Because, 1. I thought you'd be extremly pissed and 2. I haven't seen you around, so I couldn't really talk to you"
Jennifer:" Okay, I understand, I just needed an explanation, now for my next question, do you want to see me naked?"
Zack:" Yes! Oh Yes! Please?"
Jennifer:" Alright, check this out!"
She flashes her chest.
Zack:" HOLY SHIT!"
Jennifer:" Do you like 'em?"
Zack:" Oh Yeah!"
Jennifer:" Now come here and Do me like there's no tommorow!"
Zack goes for it.
Scene changes to Steve pulling up in his car.
He sees the party going on.
Steve:" Well, rub my nuts and feed me a Donut"
Steve walks into the party.
Steve:" HEY!"
Everybody becomes silent.
Dwight:" Oh, Steve, Whats Up?"
Steve:" I can't beleive you guys are throwing a party..."
Everything is still silent.
Steve:" And didn't invite me, Party on Fuckers!"
Everybody laughs in relief and continues to party.
Scene Switches to Scott in his car driving, he stops when he sees a Hooker on the side of the road.
Scott:" hey, bitch hop in the Stifler Love mobile"
The hooker turns around and is a man dressed as a women, but Scott is too drunk to notice.
Hooker:" Do you have any money?"
Scott:" Yeah, just get the fuck in the car"
The Hooker gets in.
Hooker:" How about we go to a hotel?"
Scott:" Sure whatever you say"
They arrive at a hotel, that happens to be the Hotel where the adults were staying.
Back at the Party, Steve and Dwight are going down a line of half naked girls, with shots between thier breasts, drinking the shots one by one, not touching the glasses with thier hands, picking them up and droping them with thier mouth.
They get to the last ones.
Steve:" Woo Hoo! This is what I'm fuckin talking about!"
Dwight:" Now ladies, you know what to do"
All of the girls that were in the lines, strip thier bras off.
Matt is off to the side watching.
Matt:" This is the best Fuckin party ever!"
Then he gets a call, he answers.
Matt:" Hello?"
James Chong(Matts Asian friend from Band Camp) called him.
James:" Hey Matt, the cops are headed over toward where you are, you better clean that shit up man"
Matt:" Oh Shit! Thanks man"
James:" No problem, Homie"
He hangs up.
Matt:" Hey bro!"
Steve:" What the hell do you want?"
Matt:" My friend was watching for cops, he says there heading this way"
Steve:" Oh Shit! Okay everybody out! Cops are coming! Leave out the back"
Everybody scrambles, suddenly th only people left are the Stiflers, they start to throw things in the trash can and shove things under the couch. Everything is mostly out of the way when the doorbell rings.
Dwight, Erik, and Matt jump and sit on the couch. Steve answers the door, and there is a police officer standing in the doorway.
Steve:" May I help you Officer?"
Officer:" Yes you can Stifler! We got complaints of loud music and noises from this house, any idea what thats about?"
Steve:" Actually yes, you see, my cousin Erik here loves music, and he loves it loud, so he was playing real loud, but I got it under control"
Officer:" Alright, I'll buy it this time but next time you're all going to jail, here's a ticket for disturbing the peace"
Steve:" Disturbing the peace? Fuck that shit! I mean...Thanks Officer, have a good night!"
He closes the door.
Steve:" That was a close one"
Later in Zack's room we see him and Jennifer both asleep and Naked.
The Next day at the Hotel, Scott wakes up and sees the Hooker next to him, now noticing its a male.
Scott:" WHAT THE FUCK!"
The Hooker wakes up.
Hooker:" Whats wrong?"
Scott:" You're a dude?"
Hooker:" Well yeah"
Scott:" I think I'm gonna be sick"
He runs to the bathroom and pukes in the toilet a few times.
Hooker:" Sorry, you're still gonna pay me right?"
Scott lifts his head up, realizing that the night before when he said he had money, he really had none.
Scott:" Oh Shit"
Scott walks slowly back into the room.
Hooker:" You didn't answer me, are you gonna pay me?"
Scott:" Uh yeah, hold on, I've got to go get some from the car, I keep it in my glove compartment"
He walks to the door and opens it.
Scott:" it will only take a second"
He walks out of the door, and closes it. He dashes to his car, unlocks it, jumps in and starts it up.
The Hooker hears it start up and runs outside. Scott drives off.
Hooker:" HEY, WHERES MY MONEY?"
It was too late, he had left.
Later that day, everybody is getting ready to leave to go to thier houses.
Cadence:" Bye everyone, come back soon!"
We see Zack saying bye to Jennifer.
Jennifer:" So I geuss I'll see you tommorow at school?"
Zack:" Fuck Yeah you will!"
Jennifer kisses Zack then walks off.
Jennifer:" Bye!"
Steve walks up to Zack.
Steve:" Heard you got some pussy"
Zack:" Yep, I sure did"
Steve:" So tell me one thing"
Zack:" What?"
Steve:" How good was she?"
Zack:" Fuck off, Dad!"
Steve:" Just curios, Jizz muffin"
Steve laughs and walks off.
Zack smiles while watching Jennifer walk away.
He closes the Door.
Credits Roll with American Pie Theme.