Disclaimer: Yeah, Grammy Abby is with me now. Bless her soul.
(.x.)
When Tori Vega first laid eyes on Beck Oliver, she knew he was something she wanted. His flaxen hair, shimmering under the dull overhead lights. She wondered briefly what it would feel like to run her hands through his hair. What it would feel like to have his hands enclosed around hers, fingers intertwined. What it would feel like to wrap her hands around his neck and fall into his arms. He gave her a lazy, boyish grin and she felt her heart speed up until it was beating at an alarming rate. Her palms sweated and she tried to keep her grip on her iced coffee firm, to avoid it slipping from her hand and embarrassing her. Too bad she couldn't avoid the collision. So she just spilled her drink all over the hot guy, smooth Tori. He'll really want to date you now.
She expected a scowl, a yell, a frown- some sigh of displeasure but he laughed it off as she tried to remove the stain as best as she could. She never felt everyone hold their breath, she didn't notice the class murmuring come to a stop nor did she notice how everyone shook their heads. She was the new girl, she didn't know a single thing about this school or the students that populated it. Although, if she wasn't being heavily blinded by his looks, she would admit that there was no way someone like him would ever be single. When Jade West slammed open the class door and glared, she felt herself shrink down to size and when he called her "babe" and kissed Jade's cheek, she couldn't help but wince (because she still, kind of wishes she was Jade).
/\
1. Shock
When Tori was a little girl, her parents left them with their grandmother a lot. They were really busy. Her father was a cop and her mother was a nurse. They were always tending to others. So much that Trina and Tori were often left with Grammy Abby for weeks at a time. They didn't mean to do it, they loved their daughters to death, but it just sort of happened. They were alone, a lot. Trina being the older one had adapted quickly to this change by opening her mouth and singing along to the radio in Grammy Abby's kitchen. Tori never really spoke out, she was a silent girl. She often stayed at her Grandmother's side and held unto the hem of her skirt while she moved around her house.
It was like this until she died when Tori was 10.
Then she had nobody left.
Her parents were still busy and Trina had long gotten annoyed with her younger sister, so Tori often sat in the living room coloring for her parents. Pictures that would get a mere glance before they rushed off to work. Pictures that Tori would stick up on the fridge herself. Pictures that wouldn't be remembered. Pictures that often fell down and slipped under the fridge when the wind blew inside the house through the patio on the late summer afternoons. She would watch it fall. Sometimes she would watch the edge of the pictures disappear under the household appliance. But she never picked them up. The edges would poke out from under the fridge and she'd stand next to it, sometimes she'd use her toes and slide it further away. Hiding it.
She used to get upset. She tried so hard to make pretty pictures for mommy and daddy but soon enough she stopped feeling anything for them at all. Her pictures never got better and they were never remembered anyway. Soon enough she forgot about them all together. And it shocked her that she could try so hard on something and feel nothing when her efforts went unnoticed. That's the way it always was for her.
The first time Tori felt something was when she laid eyes on Beck Oliver. She didn't mean to, it was an accident. Despite what Jade thought, Tori wasn't that spirited. She just wanted to sit at the back of the class and observe; she was fascinated with everything, with everyone. She saw what they could do. They never stopped moving. For a girl who had grown up in a silent house with nothing but her crayons and an older sister who pretty much wanted nothing to do with her, it was a fairy tale. Beck, she had hoped, would be her prince.
Her heart leaped inside her chest and she was mesmerized with this boy. He hadn't even spoken a single word to her but he had made her feel something. It was the most she had ever felt in a long time. She decided she liked this feeling. She felt like something inside of her sprung to life, like all the pictures inside her coloring books were no longer simply black and white pages. They were elaborately colored. They were different, alive. She felt alive. She wasn't simply just existing but she was living too.
This school, Hollywood Arts, helped her feel that way. Everyone could see her, their eyes were always on her. They saw when she smiled, when she frowned and when she took a tentative step back. Tori Vega was real and she was here. She was being noticed and that also added to the butterflies in her stomach. She smiled brighter and spoke with an enthusiasm she didn't recognize. She was slowly morphing into someone else. She didn't only speak when spoken to. It was…nice to feel things.
Tori wasn't used to all these feelings. Sure she used to smile when she passed a test and got upset with Trina a lot, but this was different and she wasn't sure she wanted to let go of these feelings just yet. Tori was like a doll, she hadn't been real until she walked through the doors of Hollywood Arts, until she performed, until Beck smiled at her. Nothing was real to her except these three things.
After Grammy Abby's death, she had stopped feeling. Grammy Abby used to sing her to sleep, she would hold her hand and teach her how to bake cookies. She would give her big hugs that she only got from her parents on her birthday. Grammy Abby had loved her, she knew that much and she knew she loved her back. A lot. When she died and they buried her casket, a 10 year old Tori Vega had decided that she didn't like feeling this way. She didn't like hurting. She didn't like crying.
And she never really felt anything much, after that.
Nobody tried to make her feel anyway.
People tended to stay away from her. Trina said it was because Tori was annoying, her mother said it was because they were jealous of her, of her beauty. Tori didn't know what it was, but she figured she just wasn't the friend type. Maybe there was something wrong with her, something that repelled people away from her. She was used to it, to loneliness. It didn't scare her. In fact, she enjoyed it.
Loneliness never made her feel things she didn't want to feel and loneliness didn't disappoint her either. Nobody bothered her and she didn't mind. It's not like she wanted company.
(She didn't know what it was like anymore.)
So when Beck had chuckled she had smiled because, because she could. Because it didn't feel bad to feel. When Jade West slammed open the classroom door and stomped over them, Tori felt something then too. She felt intimidated, fear and also, admiration. She felt so much that she took a step back. And suddenly Tori's world was no longer black and white. She could see color now, not only draw with it like she used to do with crayons. But she could feel it, she could see it; their colors and she wanted colors of her own.
This girl, Jade West, she had the most colors. She was bursting with color. In her hair, her eyes, her frown and her clothes. Color was everywhere.
When Beck kissed her, Tori felt something else, jealousy.
When Jade emptied the cup of coffee on her head, she remembered why she stopped feeling. She wasn't angry but she was humiliated. She was hurt. She didn't like feeling these things, so maybe the colors were a bad thing. She figured she would settle with her crayons instead.
But Beck will always be the boy who made her feel and Jade will always be the girl who made her feel too much.
/ \
2. Pain
She first felt pain when she encountered Beck and Jade once more. They made her feel the most and she often tried to stay away from them but somehow they kept roping her back into their arguments. So many colors would bounce back and forth between them.
When they first broke up, Tori had encouraged Jade to live a life without Beck. Partly because it was what the girl needed. Someone as strong as Jade shouldn't be dependent on anyone, even if it was Beck. She had even felt a small smile cross her features when Beck refused to get back together with Jade. Jade wasn't even her friend, so why was she trying so hard to help them anyway?
Tori was still jealous of Jade. She had so many beautiful colors around her. They got even more beautiful whenever she was with Beck. Jade would shine and sometimes smile. When Jade smiled, somehow Tori found herself smiling too. A happy Jade was a good Jade to be around. When Beck was exasperated, Tori felt a pang. She wasn't used to all these emotions, all these feelings but she loved their colors so she always stayed far enough where she could see their colors but not close enough to feel.
Andre Harris also made her feel. He made her feel important. Beck had given her life, Jade had fueled her with emotion and Andre made sure the emotions stayed. Not the bad ones, but the good ones. Andre had his own colors, but they were subtle. He didn't throw them in Tori's face like Jade did. Andre made Tori wish she could feel more often. Andre made Tori feel important. He made her feel like she belonged with them, with his friends. Her black and white, her colorlessness belonged with a 254 pack of crayons. It seemed impossible. It was impossible. She didn't belong with them. She didn't belong to anybody so she pulled away. So far that the colors were blurs. She was used to her silence, her loneliness. That was the way it was and the way it would always be.
But when Jade showed up at her door, Tori bit her lower lip. Jade was broken. Not her kite. It was obvious she was torn up about losing Beck. Her colors were fading and it made Tori upset to see someone who used to shine so brightly, fade away into the shadows. Tori didn't really understand why, she knew there were a million boys who would want to be with Jade. She was beautiful, she was talented and sure, she wasn't nice, there was something she was hiding, something only Beck saw. Otherwise Beck&Jade wouldn't have existed at all. It intrigued her, and so Jade made Tori feel again. Loneliness wanted Tori all to herself but Tori invited Jade inside her house anyway. She patted Jade on the back and wallowed in her own thoughts, hoping the colors would return. The colors were what she liked best about Jade.
Maybe they were fading because Jade felt a lot for Beck. Maybe that was the reason? Tori couldn't understand how someone could feel so much for another that it would fuel their colors. Beck fueled hers, she remembered, and she wondered if that was what Jade felt. Was Beck always replenishing her, making her brighter every day? Tori felt jealous again. Loneliness was calling her name, telling her to return but it didn't seem as inviting as it was before. Tori's chest ached when she saw Jade's tears roll down her face.
Jade's colors fell with each tear and Tori remained silent because she didn't know what to do. When Jade raised her head from Grammy Abby's cushion, she felt her blood boil and Tori felt anger. But then she felt something else and she sighed because Jade was always making her feel too much. Beck was making Jade feel and she was in turn making Tori feel. Maybe, maybe it would be better for them if Beck didn't make Jade feel anymore. Maybe it Jade didn't have as many colors, it wouldn't be as bad for her…
The thought of Jade without colors made Tori shake her head. That was impossible. Jade had the most colors she had ever seen, she knew everyone else saw them. They all liked her because of those colors. There was no way she could get rid of them. The colors attracted people to her. It had to be the colors.
She stayed with Jade for the night. They pretended not to enjoy each other's company and Tori pretended she wasn't jealous when she heard Jade sing along to the Drake & Josh theme song.
"Cat's in love with that stupid show. She's always making me watch it."
"Really?" Was all Tori could say, because she had never really done this before. She was used to her loneliness and was fumbling over things. All the while loneliness laughed at her attempts of keeping someone company.
"Jade, are we friends?"
"No." Came the immediate response and Tori couldn't help but be a little disappointed. She was expecting it but, she had just wanted Jade to share some of her colors with her. She wanted to start to feel again, to live, to do more than breathe, more than homework. Tori wanted to live and she knew Beck would be able to help her. But she couldn't go to Beck, he was Jade's. So she went to Jade instead but Jade wanted nothing to do with her, just like all the other girls from her old school. Loneliness cackled even louder and Tori bent her head in shame.
"Do you think we could be friends?"
Jade had turned to face her, her blue eyes sweeping over her body and Tori shifted under her scrutiny.
"Maybe one day." Jade spoke softly and didn't miss the way Tori's eyes lit up. "Thanks for letting me stay the night, Vega."
"It's okay Jade. I'm glad you stayed. I've never had a sleepover before." Tori admitted, playing with her cuticles. Jade didn't snigger like Tori had expected, instead she inched closer and raised the volume on the television in front of them. "It's nice…" She felt like she was speaking to loneliness.
"What about your friends from your old school?" Jade asked later that night in the darkness and Tori felt her cheeks heat up. Tori liked the dark. In the dark you couldn't see colors unless you were looking at Jade. Jade's colors were the only ones Tori could see. Everyone else's tended to hide and Tori felt like she could almost belong with them. In the dark you couldn't tell she had no colors of her own.
"I didn't have many friends."
"I thought everybody loved perfect Tori Vega."
"I'm not perfect…"
It was well past mid-night and Jade was lying next to her because she refused the couch and sleeping bag Tori had offered. And while Tori was generally a nice person, she wasn't sleeping on the floor for Jade.
"What's it like?"
"What's what like?"
"Being loved."
"It's not all Disney caked it up to be. Look at what happened between Beck and I."
"He still loves you."
As she said it, she felt a pang in her chest and Tori found herself blinking back tears. It wasn't that she was depressed or anything, she just wanted someone to think about her. Like the way Jade was always thinking about Beck, or the way Cat can't stop talking about her brother. She barely spoke to Trina and her parents were barely around. Andre, he was her friend and she knew he would always be around if she needed him but Tori didn't have history with Andre. She couldn't talk about hot guys with Andre nor could she hold his hand.
She dreamt of Beck that night, and when she woke up in the morning to an empty bed, she felt worse than she did when Jade had poured the iced coffee over her. It scared Tori because she had no idea why she was feeling this way. She didn't like Beck. She only liked how he made her feel.
This was why she didn't like feeling. If she was with loneliness, she wouldn't have to worry about feelings or emotions.
/ \
3. Anger
Tori liked plays, they made her feel alive. She didn't need real emotions there, she could fake them. Everyone would keep their eyes on her and when they applauded, it would be proof that they could see her. Proof that she wasn't invisible, that she wasn't just being blown under the fridge. Tori liked pretending a lot. Sometimes she would smile widely so much that her cheeks would hurt and Jade would glower at her but she didn't mind. When she pretended like that, she felt like she had color but she didn't. She never would. Still, it was nice to pretend.
She was in the hallway with Beck. She liked when it was just the two of them. She liked that a lot. She hoped that he would make her shine like he did with Jade but for some reason, it never worked. Still, Tori couldn't help but want to be around him. She liked the feelings he gave her. But for some reason, he made her feel different today. They were talking but he was staring at another girl. It wasn't Jade. Maybe that was what made her so angry. Beck had Jade. Jade who shone brighter than anyone Tori ever saw, and instead he was looking at some other girl whose yellow was so pale Tori could barely make it out. Her blue eyes were dull too. Or maybe it was because Beck wasn't paying any attention to her. Maybe that was what angered her the most.
Her hands clenched and her breathing sped up. Tori saw red for the first time. It was there one second and then it was gone. Her head was pounding and she frowned heavily. She didn't like feeling this way. She didn't like feeling at all. She didn't know why she was so angry at Beck. She couldn't figure it out, but this was his entire fault. He was the reason she had started feeling again. If it wasn't for his stupid smile, she could have been alone now. She wouldn't have to worry about these emotions. Life would have been better off if she had just never felt anything at all.
She never should have come to this stupid school. She didn't even belong here anyway. They were all so beautiful, their colors were everywhere. There was noise, not silence. She didn't fit in here. She never would. She didn't even have her own colors. Beck, Jade, Cat, Andre and Robbie, their colors sometimes intertwined when they were together. Each person contributing to the wonderful sea of color around them. Blues, greens, purples, yellows, black; every color imaginable. Tori didn't contribute anything, did she?
If Beck had never made her feel these things, Tori wouldn't want to feel. She wouldn't want someone to share colors with and she wouldn't want Jade to teach her how to shine as brightly as she did. She wouldn't want anyone. She would just need her silence and her black and white pages.
Beck shot her a confused look and went to reach for her shoulder but she avoided the physical contact. "Tori are you okay?" He ran his hand through his hair and she frowned.
"No, Beck." She spat out her words angrily and smirked as Beck recoiled. "I am not okay."
"Uhh.." He wasn't sure how this change came across and Beck scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. He didn't know how to handle an angry Tori. Tori wasn't Jade. Tori was breakable, she was kind of weak and fragile. He didn't want to upset her.
"I don't think I'll be fine for a long time, okay?"
"Is it something I can help you with?"
"No Beck. It's not something you can help me with!" Her voice rose and Beck held up his hands in surrender, looking around the hallway hopelessly looking for someone to come and distract her.
"Why are you angry all of a sudden?"
"I don't know." She crossed her arms and pushed past him and stomped over to the janitor's closet. "I don't remember giving you permission to make me feel this way." She said but nobody heard because she was alone again, naturally.
Angry tears slid down her face and she felt herself pouting. Tori didn't ask for these feelings. She didn't want to like Beck. She was finally getting along with Jade. She was finally getting closer to everyone. These feelings, they'd just ruin everything again. Jade would hate her and then what? Where would she be? Sure, she didn't need Jade but she wanted her friendship. She wanted the colors. To get the colors she needed Jade. She needed Beck. She needed them all.
The colors would make everyone want to be with her. To spend time with her like they do with each other. Tori had hoped that the colors would attract people to her. Now that she knew what friendship was like, what love was like, what feeling was like, she wanted it. She didn't know why she wanted it but she did. She wanted what Jade had with Cat. She wanted what Jade had with Beck. And Beck, stupid Beck just came along and disrupted her entire life. He just waltzed in, laughed and gave her a small smile and re-ignited the flame she had done her best to douse with water.
She sniffled and pushed some hair from her face. Beck had no right. None. How dare he make her feel these things? She didn't want to like him. She wanted nothing to do with him. She just wanted color. Sure she liked Beck, a lot maybe but…the colors were more important. She wanted him to make her shine. So brightly that they would have to cover their eyes. That way she'd have more friends. That way she wouldn't have to be lonely anymore.
Damn his perfect shiny hair. His stupid leather jacket. His stupid, old RV and his ugly combat boots. Screw Beck! Who needed him anyway?
Tori had long deserted her bag against one of the walls inside the tiny room. She was pacing and thinking the worst things she possibly could about her friend. So much, in fact, that she didn't notice the door open until Jade sighed heavily and rolled her eyes theatrically.
"Beck made me come and check up on you." Stupid Beck. Jade's colors, Tori noted, weren't shining as brightly as they usually did.
"Well I don't need anyone's help." Tori crossed her arms. Her anger doubled when she heard how nasal her voice had become and tripled when Jade had smirked.
"What got you so upset?"
"None of your business."
"Okay, well don't say I didn't try to help you."
"Whatever."
"I'm going now."
"Well leave already!"
"Okay! I didn't even want to come anyway."
"I don't care."
Jade slammed the door shut and Tori glared at the wooden frame.
If she was never Beck's girlfriend, Tori would never be having these problems to begin with. It was her fault too. It was her fault for being so…so Jade. It was her fault Beck fell in love with Jade and not Tori. She might even have her own colors by now! The colors. Ugh. The colors and the feelings made Tori do stupid things. Loneliness was ushering her over again, beckoning her to his side.
Tori didn't ask for much. She was a nice person. She really tried to be. Jade was mean, she was spiteful and she went out of her way to hurt others. Yet, she was still beautiful and managed to have everything Tori didn't. Jade's colors attracted anybody and everybody. They all wanted to get close to Jade. She knew everybody and had relationships with them all. How was that even fair? If someone could explain the physics of that to Tori, then maybe she'd calm down. Then she'd know Jade's secret. Then she'd have her own colors.
Jade pushed everyone away, she yet had close ties with almost everyone. All Tori ever did was try to get closer with everyone and yet they still kept her at arm's length. They didn't want her, they wanted Jade. It had to be because Tori had no color.
Yeah, this was Jade's fault too. If Jade wasn't so bright…
If Jade…
/\
4. Loneliness
Had finally called Tori over. She had accepted the fact that she would never have colors. She had slipped back into her old routine. Tori had tried so hard, she put so much effort into it yet she had no color. And so she stopped trying and pretending altogether. She couldn't. She would ignore Andre's texts and stop engaging in conversation. Tori was becoming the person she was before she met Beck and Jade. Before Andre, Cat and Robbie. Tori was becoming the little girl afraid to feel again. It wasn't by choice, it happened almost naturally.
Soon everyone stopped inviting her out. Tori figured they never wanted her around anyway. Trina was right, she was probably just annoying them. They must have been glad to finally get away from her. She was doing them all a favor. It was time for her to stop pretending she could have shined, it was time she faced the facts: she was never getting her own colors and people would never be attracted to her. The only person who would ever be close to her is loneliness. She would never have a relationship like the one she had with Grammy Abby. It was probably just a myth anyway. Only special people with special colors could be that close. And without her colors, Tori was just…nobody. She was no longer alive. She was back to just existing.
It was Saturday night and she was home alone. Her parents were out of town and Trina was off with her "friends". This was what she was used to, this was her life. It always was and she was stupid for thinking it could change.
Still, Tori had tasted friendship. So when Andre had texted her, she had jumped up to reply. She even went so far as to invite him over. She was hopeful and waited eagerly for an answer. Maybe this time she'll get her colors for sure. Maybe it happened accidentally.
When she had texted Andre, he had said they were all at the Karaoke Dokie.
"We" he said.
What he really meant was "everyone but you, Tori."
They were having a great time, she knew because she left and went to Karaoke Dokie herself. When she arrived, Beck and Jade were holding each other closer than she was used to seeing while Cat, Andre and Robbie were laughing over some old memory. She would have approached them too, but they looked like they were having such a good time. Without her.
The five of them.
It never occurred to her that they could have all been like this before she had arrived at Hollywood Arts. Like some sick sort of Breakfast Club without her. She always thought she was the glue that held them together. Six different kids. But she was giving herself too much credit. She wasn't that important, was she?
Probably not.
Probably never would be.
So she turned, left, returned home and cried herself to sleep.
Nobody missed her. There was obviously something wrong with her, there had to be some deficit that she never noticed. There had to be. Maybe she was just boring. That had to be why she was always disliked. Tori wasn't self-conscious or anything, but maybe she was ugly. Maybe that was why everyone steered clear. Or maybe she should cut her hair, or get new clothes. Maybe she was just plain, average Victoria. She had thought that by insisting they refer to her as Tori she would stand out but maybe that was having the opposite effect. She didn't want to stand out so much that she would always be standing alone, on the outside. All she wanted was someone to like her, a lot.
All she wanted was to be like everybody else. She wanted to be happy like them, to feel like they did. She wanted friends and relationships. She wanted someone to whisper to at night, she wanted someone to hold her close. She wanted someone to think about her before they fell asleep. She wanted someone to see a pack of crayons and remember her. She wanted someone to notice her, to see her. She wanted to live again. Not just exist. She wanted love.
Tori just wanted love. From a friend or lover, it didn't matter. She wanted what Beck&Jade had, she wanted what Jade and Cat had. What her parents had. What she had with Grammy Abby. She wanted that. But she didn't know how to get it. Nobody seemed to want to give it to her anyway, and she wasn't one to go begging around desperately like Trina. So Tori kept quiet instead. Maybe someone would realize what she wanted, maybe someone would find her. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Someone to hold her hand. Someone to stand next to her. Someone to think about her. Someone to be there for her. Someone to think she was somebody. Someone to miss her when she was gone. Maybe she wanted too much?
Was that why she was alone again?
In that big house. Empty. Listening to the silence. Listening to her heartbeat.
(She liked it better when Jade had spent the night. Her heartbeat wasn't lonely that way.)
/\
5. The Upward Turn
Tori had gotten used to these lonely nights. She was accustomed to the gaping silence and the quick goodbye her parents gave her and Trina. All she knew was walking to school by herself on mornings and walking back alone because everyone else had "Ping-pong practice." She knew the truth; they just didn't want her around. They got tired of her. Just like everyone did eventually. She thought this time would be different, but it wasn't. She ate dinner alone, unless Trina stayed home to gush over The Vampire Diaries. She did her homework and learned all her lines in her bedroom. She went to bed at 10pm every night, including Friday and Saturday nights. This what her, this was Tori Vega. Loneliness would never leave her, would he? If anything, she should have stayed the way she was before.
Life without color and feeling was easy. She liked it that way. No complications. Nothing to get in her way or distract her.
Loneliness was different this time. She didn't think, she didn't do much anymore. She felt dead. She never felt this way before. She used to feel something before, even if it wasn't much but now every emotion she had felt had numbed. She was tired, all the time. Tori liked to sleep. She dreamed in color. She dreamed of a life better than what she had now. Loneliness wasn't as satisfying as it was before. Tori had a taste of color and emotion; there wasn't any going back, was there? She tried though and for a few days, it seemed like she had never seen color or felt anything at all.
Tori had fallen back asleep. And she hoped to never wake back up again.
She didn't like going on TheSlap too much. It was filled with private jokes and pictures of places she'd never been invited to. She never really texted Andre anymore either, she was always bothering him, interrupting him from whatever fun he was having with the others. Sure, they all sat together at lunch but Tori knew they were probably waiting for her to leave them alone then too. Maybe one day she would stop eating lunch with them too but until then, she enjoyed their company.
They were always noisy, chattering, laughing or in Jade's case insulting or kissing Beck. Tori wasn't used to this constant activity. She watched in wonder as Jade removed her tomatoes from her burger and gave it to Robbie. She watched as Beck put two cups of coffee and a lollipop on the table. She blinked in confusion as Andre ripped off a piece of Jade's burger and as Cat stole some of Robbie's soda. She watched as Beck took some of Robbie's nachos and as Cat stole some of Andre's fries.
They had a system. She was just messing it up, wasn't she? Where did she fit in with her salad and bottle of water?
Nowhere.
But all the movement around her, the different hands reaching for something in each other's plate, it all made her feel wanted. Almost as if she could laugh along with them. A genuine laugh. Almost as if she could understand their private jokes and memories she could never be a part of. It felt like she belonged. She could hide among all their color and nobody would really notice she had none of her own until they left. Until she was alone.
But then the lunch bell would ring, the gang would disperse and she would be sitting there, picking up her tray and gathering her things.
And then the day would end.
This was as far as she could get to color without feeling. This was all she had. Loneliness didn't really feel like an option, but he was all she knew. So she stayed with him.
/ \
6. Acceptance.
"Hey Tori." Cat had giggled behind her one weary day. Tori was drained and her shoulders were sagging lower than they usually did.
"Hi Cat." She spoke glumly.
"Why are you so sad?" Cat's brown eyes widened and she pouted.
"I'm not sad." Tori shook her head and patted Cat on the shoulder playfully.
She wasn't sure what was happening between them. She rarely spoke to Cat anymore, yet here she was, standing in front of her, asking her how she was feeling. Tori hadn't initiated the conversation so she became immediately suspicious. "Do you need something, Cat?" She spoke sharply and Cat tilted her head in confusion. She probably did need something. Cat's obnoxious pink was in her face, announcing the fact that she had no color of her own. Joy.
"No. Do you need something Tori?" Attention. Friendship. Love.
"No."
"Oh."
There was an awkward silence until Tori gathered her books and slammed her locker shut. "Okay, well I'm going." Much to her surprise, Cat had followed her to the Black Box Theatre. "Um, is there a reason why you're following me Cat?" Really, if she wanted help with something, she should just say it. Tori didn't like when people weren't upfront with her. She would help Cat with whatever it was she wanted. She just had to say the word. Tori was a nice person. She had to be nice. If she wasn't at least nice, then she was nothing at all.
"We have a free period now, silly. Why are you doing work?"
"I have nothing else to do."
"You can come to the music room with me and everyone else." As if you really want me there.
"No thanks, Cat. I think I'll finish up that play for Sikowitz."
"You never hang out with us anymore." Cat pouted before she left the room. She gave Tori one last look and a small sad wave. Tori never saw her downcast eyes or her sad smile. Instead, Tori listened to loneliness when he told her she wouldn't make great company.
"You never want me around anymore."
But she was alone, so nobody ever heard her response.
She never touched her play, or even opened her books. She got up, flipped off the lights and sat alone, in the dark in the Black Box Theatre until the bell rang. Maybe if it was dark enough, she could pretend she had color again.
That was her life now.
/\
7. Hope.
This lunch, Beck and Jade were holding hands. Cat and Jade were giggling about something they had done, well Cat was giggling. Jade was rolling her eyes. Beck never took his eyes off his girlfriend. Andre and Robbie were laughing at something Rex said. Tori's tray was empty. She forgot to buy lunch. She walked over to the table and sat down.
No-one acknowledged her.
(Shocker.)
Beck leaned over and kissed Jade's cheek. Rex made a comment about Cat's hair and Robbie shook Rex to shut him up.
Not even the puppet realized she was there.
Tori found herself standing up. The wind blew into her face and messed up her hair. It felt like it blew through her. Like she wasn't there at all.
No, she hadn't been there for a long time, had she? She felt like she was missing. She was there but she was really lost inside her head. Inside her empty thoughts. The world was nicer there. Inside her dreams. She could do what she wanted there.
Andre gave her a curious look and watched her figure retreat further away from them. Her eyes were empty and that scared him.
Tori sat down at another table by herself. She never noticed that her tray was empty and discarded her bag on the floor. Her chin was propped in her hand and she stared at the little patch of green near the Asphalt Café. It was always empty, touched only by the gardeners when they had to trim the hedges and spray insecticide. The gardeners tried really hard to revive some of the flowers, but they were brown anyway. They wilted and they seemed to wither under the sun. The sun only tried to help them grow, the sun only tried to make them stronger but it was killing them. They were killing her, and they didn't even know.
Maybe she was being too dramatic? She had grown up never knowing love anyway. The only person who had been teaching her about it was Grammy Abby and she died. That should show her that she wasn't meant to love. She wasn't meant to feel. She wasn't meant to shine. She wasn't meant for much at all.
Tori just wanted affection. She wanted someone to like her, to love her, to miss her. She wanted someone to feel for her. She felt for them. She felt so much for them all but she was as worth as much as this garden. This tiny, abandoned garden. Nobody loved it enough to put real time and energy into it. Tori had parents, her family had money, she had a sister and everything she could possibly need so she didn't understand why she felt this way. Why she was so upset?
Was she allowed to feel like this? Jade always said she had a perfect life. But Tori didn't know what perfection was. If she did have a perfect life, well she didn't want it. She'd trade it for Jade's stoic father if she would have her own Beck, any day. She would give it all away for a friend like Cat. She's sell all her possessions if she knew that she could have someone in her life. A constant. Someone to like her. Someone to feel for her the same way she felt about them. She was alone. She would always alone and it was time to start accepting it.
It was just her and the sun.
But the sun never spoke back, did it?
She found herself getting up and walking into the dying garden. She felt like she belonged there. Like, maybe it was dying because…because she was dying. She wasn't happy and she wasn't blooming. She was just, there. Withering.
She sat on the tuffs of grass and hugged her knees. Tori didn't like to think anymore, it just reminded her of how alone was. She liked to close her eyes and imagine things, pretend she was Tori Vega, loved and admired by all. Tori Vega who had numerous friends she could call at 2AM. Friends she could tell any and everything to.
She almost didn't want to open her eyes and she didn't for a while. In this new world, she had everything she could possibly need and there were people who needed her in return. They shared secrets, their deepest thoughts and their lunch. They saved her a seat in class and noticed when she was late. The world didn't revolve around her, but she felt like she did more than just breathe. She felt like she was living. She felt real. She felt needed.
When she opened her eyes, she found five pairs staring back at her. Five worried bodies looming over her, blocking out the sun. They smiled down and Tori felt her heart burst open. Her vision blurred with tears she was too embarrassed to let fall.
"Why are you crying, Tori?" Cat asked with knitted eyebrows.
"You guys came for me?"
"Why wouldn't we?" Andre seemed confused at her reaction.
"Yeah. We're your friends." Tori's head snapped in Beck's direction and broke out into a wide smile.
"I'm not alone?"
"Are we invisible to you or something?" Jade and knelt down beside her and stretched her legs out in front of her body. Tori looked across at her then at Cat who was holding her hand.
"That's good." Was all she said. Tori, she didn't ask for much. She didn't demand a vocal declaration of their friendship but she knew this feeling. She felt this way when Grammy Abby was last alive. The warm feeling in her stomach, the kind of comfort you get after drinking a cup of warm cocoa in December. The warmth from a bonfire on a summer night, the sound of laughter echoing. Cat had slipped her hand into Tori's and Tori stared at them, nobody had ever held her hand before.
Jade nudged her shoulder playfully and Tori turned to look at her, eyes teary, "What are you thinking of, Tori?" She asked, an unusual gentle tone was used and it made Tori's heart soar.
"I like this. I like it when it's all of us."
"We like it too." Robbie spoke up from behind her.
"Yeah, Tori. We were worried about you." Andre shrugged his shoulders under the Latina's gaze.
"You were?"
"Of course we were worried; you're our friend!" Cat clapped her hands together and jumped in her seat next to Tori. She was a little confused as to why Tori would think they weren't friends. She didn't like seeing her friends upset and forced a bright smile, hoping it would encourage Tori to do the same. Instead Tori leaned into Jade's side and closed her eyes. She half expected the pale girl to shove her away but she didn't. But she didn't. The boys sat down next to them and together the six of them sat in silence.
It wasn't the silence she was used to. Things were different, she could feel it. She wasn't lonely anymore. She could feel them around her. She was real. She was alive and they noticed her. They noticed her and they were still with her. Tori looked around and she still didn't have any color of her own, but that was okay. It all made sense to her now. They didn't have their own colors, they colored each other. They got their shades from each other. They mixed and blended until they became the colors they were now.
She had to give them a chance to color her. She had to open her mind, her heart so they could get inside and help her. And while she may not have her own Beck or Cat, she couldn't get them overnight right? But it didn't matter if she didn't have a Beck or Cat anyway. She had Andre, Robbie, Back, Cat and Jade. It was different, they didn't have the same relationship with Tori as they did with each other. They probably never would but they were still hers. And slowly, they'd give her color too. Emotion by emotion; feeling by feeling; color by color. Slowly, they'd get closer. She was sure of it. That's why they were here, wasn't it? They had finally noticed her, seen her. Or maybe they had always noticed and were just waiting on her to notice she was alive too.
They were her friends.
She wasn't alone.
Not anymore.
And she broke into a smile.
(.x.)
I know, you're like, wtf, is this about Tori? Well I wanted to challenge myself, okay? And Tori seemed like the perfect little challenge. This was much harder to write than it usually was. I'm full aware that the ending sucks, Andy keeps telling me it's missing something. Speaking of Andy, read her fic Heartbreak Warfare. I'm proud to say that I'm the reason she ships Jade + Ryder now. It's a wonderful story and I may or may not have toyed with Jade and Ryder in it ;)
I wanted to play with the idea that maybe Tori isn't perfect at all. Is that why she was so self-conscious in the Pilot?
Naw, I'm probably just thinking about it too much.
This was originally supposed to be "Seven Stages of Getting Over Beck Oliver" that's why it's divided into subsections but clearly something went terribly wrong.
Let's call me The Queen of Typos from now on :/