Finally. Spring Break. Hermione Granger desperately needed this. At Hogwarts, Spring Break consisted of no classes and lots of free time, though there was still some homework assigned and most of the students stayed at school instead of going home.
There were so many things that Hermione planned to get done this week. First, she had to get all her homework done, plus some for after break (she'd rather not be one of those people who was left scrambling after break because the teachers suddenly gave out a ton of homework to make up for lost time). Then she had to clean her room and the rest of the Heads Dorm… except Draco's room. No way in heck was she going anywhere near his room. Last time she had gotten the notion into her head that she was going to clean everything in the Head Dorms and had gone to knock on Draco's door, he'd tried to seduce her… EWW!
Hermione stood in the middle of the Heads' Common Room, remembering…
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"Hermione. What're you doing in my doorway?" Draco Malfoy looked slightly puzzled. And very confused.
"Oh! Oh, you're in here. Oh. Um… yeah. Never mind." And with that, she had spun around and had tried to make her not-so-subtle escape.
"Wait—waitwaitwait," Draco grinned. "What did you want, dearie… [smirk] Neeeeed me?"
"Uh, ew. I'm leaving."
"Not 'til you tell me what you wanted. [coughmecough]"
"[deep sigh, rolls eyes] To clean your room. Its stench reaches the Slytherin dorms. They're complaining. And as much as I would lo-ove to let them suffer, unfortunately, I live closer to the smell than they do. So. Clean it up, Malfoy."
"Nah. I happen to like it. Besides, the results of the 'stench' as you call it are very popular with the numerous men of Hogwarts."
"Boys."
"Men."
"Children."
"Sexy, intelligent, handsome men. [preen]"
"Immature males."
"I'm too mature to continue this useless argument. My point being, Hermione my dear, that I can't clean up my room. Because what's in here is rather profitable."
"What the heck are you doing in there? Growing penicillin off bread mold and selling it as antibiotics? Is your room the headquarters of an underground snack ring for the boys at Hogwarts, specializing in week old spaghetti and yogurt that's been left out of a refrigerator? Because that's what it smells like."
"What's a refrigerator?"
"Something you obviously don't own."
"Oh. [pause] [over dramatic] Then I must buy one! To muggle London, peasant!"
"... [raises right eyebrow]… Right."
"Buy me one for my birthday."
"Your birthday isn't until June, idiot."
"Early birthday present?"
"No. And you're just trying to distract me and make me forget that your room smells."
"There are better ways to distract you and make you forget why you came in here than talking, Granger. [hinthint]"
"Ewww…"
"Notice I didn't even have to say something that could really be interpreted as dirty and already your mind goes there… tsk, tsk, Hermione."
"You know what you meant, Malfoy. [pauses, gets back on track] Why does your room stink and why is it profitable to keep it that way and what do the boys here have anything to do with it? [thinks about it some more] Have Harry and Ron bought whatever you have in there?"
"[chuckles]"
"I'm assuming that was supposed to come out sounding like they have. I don't believe you. They haven't, have they." That wasn't a question…
Draco just grinned, turned, and disappeared into the dark recesses of his room.
Hermione couldn't just leave it at that. She had to tempt fate. She followed him in… [creepy music]
"What the MERLIN?! DRACO!!!"
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It turned out Draco had turned his room into the equivalent of a muggle drug house. As in, bubbling potions all over the place, miscellaneous ingredients scattered about, measuring instruments laying around. The stuff in the cauldrons? Love potions. Lust potions. Anti-pimple potions. Perfect hair potions. Buff potions (this one made Hermione laughed. No wonder so many of the guys at Hogwarts had suddenly started looking more… in shape). Better vision potions (for those who didn't want to squint at the blackboard, especially if it made them look… squinty). The list went on and on and on. Hermione had even seen what looked like homemade Firewhiskey in the corner.
But you see, Hermione Granger was smarter than you thought. Yes, she didn't do what Draco half-expected her to do; she didn't tell on him to McGonagall. No, she was much smarter, the witch. She demanded half of his total revenue and made him agree to put a charm on his room that kept the stench inside his room in exchange for not telling.
In other words, blackmail.
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So you see, there was no way Hermione was going near Draco's room during her spring cleaning. Right?