Author's notes: The fic is set post 602, I'll even stretch and say the bulk of s6 happened, never made up my mind on crappyville I mean the finale but I think it never happened. I think it's pretty much self-explanatory but if there are any questions you know where to direct them.
*******************
Things have a weird way of turning out, did you know that?
No matter how we think things will be in the end, despite what you think you feel, how you think everything will play out, you can't seem to prevent what a lot of people think is meant to be. Take my good friend Audrey Liddell.
She'd moved from one college to the next, never seeming to be able to apply herself to whatever she was working on no matter how hard she tried. In the earlier years of our time at Worthington I think any attempt she made to pull herself out of the academic slumps were to say the least, half-hearted.
But in the end she managed to dig herself out and apply herself to the task and she graduated. She's now a student councillor.
I guess if anyone can be understanding of life at college, of setting out with the best intentions to do well but falling by the wayside, then it's Audrey.
And because of her life experience she's always been good with dispensing advice. She's also never been one to hold back on telling you what she thinks even if you didn't ask for said advice, even when you don't want to hear it.
No matter how sensitive the issues may be.
This has always applied to all topics, from clothes to guys.
Most notably Dawson.
For years after we'd initially hooked up in high school, the first time, there always seemed to be something going on between us; we didn't have to be dating for there to be something bubbling beneath the surface. As though we were waiting on something being unleashed, yet at the same time neither of us was willing to voice it.
So it stayed locked up inside, just waiting to be let loose.
The first instance of any attractions actually taking over occurred at the beginning of my second year of college, during the early hours of my nineteenth birthday. Try as I might I've been unable to pinpoint how everything led up to that one moment, with us talking and then there's a hug. Before you know it something changes, the air shifts and things become almost primal.
Unsure if it's all down to physicality or if it's more related to emotionality both parties go with whatever they're feeling in the moment, giving no thought to what the consequences will be. Will there even be any repercussions?
Getting so totally caught up in the moment leaves no time for thinking, only in the harsh light of day can you do that.
But it's a hard task to face when the sex is nothing short of explosive.
Somehow the reality check is delayed by moments of shear bliss, but even that has to be short lived because in true Dawson-Joey style the shit hits the fan.
Harsh words are exchanged and in time you wonder if either party actually ever meant what they said. Do they even remember why the words were even said?
There's a period of no talking well aside from the occasional unplanned awkward meeting. It's hard and painful, especially when this guy has been your best friend for the greatest part of your life. He was your first love, the one that you thought would be the one, and there'd never be another.
In this case it's pretty much the truth.
Dawson was all I ever wanted and maybe to someone on the outside looking in it may have looked like once I got him I wanted rid of him, but that's not true. Or at least it was never intended to be so and I fear maybe I've gotten off track.
The point is, there was always something going on between us.
During the period of no talking I missed him, longed for him even despite the fact that I was mad with him at the time.
Then somehow everything changed yet I can't quite recall the event where the change took place. All I do know is that for a short while we weren't speaking and then next thing we're talking again, building bridges and mending fences and everything starts to seem normal again…as normal as it ever was.
He'd date and no one ever seemed good enough for him. I'd date and well, I have no idea what would go through Dawson's head, did he even care?
Before you know it graduation has snuck up on you and within a few short months your life can be in an upheaval with settling into a new job, new cit and apartment all the while coping with the fact the guy you've always felt something for is on the other side of the country and he has no idea what you feel, what you think you feel anyway.
Maybe it's how it was always destined to be.
But then, I was never a big believer in destiny so why should I have just accepted how things were?
Because it's who I am.
So many times in my life I've had a defeatist attitude about things, which can make it harder for you to try and get out of being in a rut. In these times it's good to call upon an old friend for advice and that's something I've found myself doing over and over again, that doesn't mean that I would take the advice, just that I'd ask for it.
The first time I ever really called on Audrey for advice (which I didn't actually take), was after the first time I'd seen Dawson after he'd left Boston.
He'd called very last minute to say he'd be coming to town for a quick meeting and would have a few hours to kill between the meeting being over and before his flight would leave.
"Do you want to maybe meet for dinner?" He'd asked over the phone and I tried not to scream with delight.
"You're kidding right?" I'd joked, recalling how we'd tried meeting before in similar circumstances only for his meeting to last three hours longer than it should have and our dinner was postponed indefinitely. "Is this one of your cruel pranks?"
"Would I dare?"
"I don't know Dawson, I think you would. I think you realized that you didn't really want to meet up with me last time and pretended the meeting ran over."
"Who told you?" He'd replied and a shiver ran down my spine hearing the change to his tone as he joked.
"I knew it." I'd grinned back to him even though he couldn't see me. "How about this, you pick up Chinese and come to my place if the meeting gets out on time."
"I can live with that, I'll finally get to see your apartment."
So that was it, we'd be seeing one another for the first time in almost eight months because we'd never even seen one another at Christmas. I could hardly contain the excitement knowing I'd be seeing him the next day and I never let any thoughts that he may cancel at the last minute enter my head.
That was up until the moment my cell rang at around the same time he was supposed to be getting out of the meeting, but all Dawson had called for was to ask if I would prefer sushi to Chinese.
I had butterflies in my stomach from then onwards and I tried to convince myself it was nothing, I was just excited. But I knew this wasn't the case as soon as I opened the door for him.
He looked so great, the California sunshine definitely agreed with him, he had a tan now and the sun had lightened his hair a little.
"You look great." I told him as he entered the apartment and I tried to disguise the flushing of my cheeks by turning away.
Say you love me like you used to
Tell me that you really care
"So do you." He informed me before we embraced and as we did so everything else seemed to fade away and I could have lived forever in that moment, he smelled good, felt good and I loved the way he held me, even as a friend.
Breaking apart I looked at him for a moment, our eyes locked and it was as though something seemed to sizzle and before either of us really knew it we'd undressed each other and were on our way to having sex on the hallway floor.
'Coz if you don't I think I'll lose it
Start smashing things up everywhere
Thoughts didn't seem to flow freely, with us just kissing, touching and giggling like we were teenagers.
We fed each other sushi afterwards, neither of us exactly acknowledging what had just transpired yet at the same time we were comfortable with one another, unabashed about what we'd done. It was great to just finally get the chance to see each other and somehow that seemed like an appropriate way to show just how much we were glad for any little chance.
And maybe you could say that we knew we wouldn't see one another for so long and well, it would only be appropriate for us to show how much we'd miss each other so that's why we ended up having sex again before he really had to go.
Close your ears, close your eyes
This could be the last surprise
I was buzzing inside as I kissed him goodbye, wrapped only in my bathrobe his hands lingering inside before his cab honked again and he laughed as he said goodbye again.
"I'll call you when I get back." He'd assured me and I was still glowing as I watched him go, trying desperately not to think of the fact I wouldn't see him for months, maybe years and even then this wouldn't happen again. We'd just got caught up in the moment.
Feeling the need to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible I called Audrey.
"You'll never guess what just happened!" I began unable to contain the happiness in my voice. "I've just had the most mind-blowing sex."
"Hey to you too." She began but I could tell by her tone she wasn't offended by my lack of greeting. "Who was the lucky guy, spill already!"
"Dawson."
"I think I need to clean out my ears, I could have sworn you just said Dawson."
"Oh I did." I assured her and explained everything that happened.
For the most part she just listened, but the next day when I met her for lunch I finally realised all the questions she'd wanted to ask but she'd held back not wanting to kill my high. All she'd asked the previous night was "are you sure he'll call when he gets back".
And it was the first thing I told her when we sat down for lunch.
She wanted to know what it all meant, were we a couple, what would happen now and so on. The truth is it never really meant anything.
Or it wasn't supposed to.
But something that had started out as accidental, getting caught up in the moment turned into something more. Over the years whenever Dawson came to visit he'd stay at my apartment, we'd sleep in the same bed, we had sex. And whenever I'd go to LA to visit him it was the same, his apartment, his bed, sex.
I still dated other people and so did he, it just so happened that whenever the other was visiting we were single.
After the second or maybe it was the third visit things progressed further.
"I found the strangest thing today." He'd said as I answered the phone.
"Hello to you too Dawson."
"Hi." He replied and after a few seconds silence he added, "So aren't you curious what I found?"
"Not really." I joked faking a yawn.
"You're no fun, do you know that?"
Unable to bite my tongue I retorted, "You weren't saying that the other night!"
"You've got me there!" He replied and I could picture his smiling face all those miles away.
"So go on, put me out of my misery. What did you find?"
"Something that belongs to you."
"I didn't notice anything was missing." I told him as I tried to recall all the things I'd taken with me.
"Well it's definitely yours. How about some clues…it's red and small, actually it's tiny." He continued as I wracked my brain. "Maybe flimsy would be a better word."
My eyes almost jumped out of my head as I realised what I'd left behind and I wondered if he knew I'd be blushing.
"Should I continue?" He asked and I wished I could be there when he continued this just to see his face. "The last time you saw it was probably after your little strip number…"
"Actually," I cut in, finishing for him. "It was when you removed it with your teeth…slowly."
"Ahh, I don't quite recall that part."
"Oh believe me I remember it." I informed him. "You started to pull the thong down with your teeth before stroking my thighs." Even the mere thought of what he did after made me start to ache for him already.
From there we moved on to phone sex.
At times it seemed like we were involved in some sort of long distance relationship, with only the good parts, void of the fights and the little disagreements. Sometimes we wouldn't hear from the other for weeks on end, those were normally the times when there were dates with other people.
Those were pretty hard to take, although I was dating someone too it sometimes seemed like I was doing it just to pass time, just because Dawson was too. Audrey was pretty supportive through those times, and more times than not she'd bite her tongue about the effect the relationship Dawson and I had been embarking on was affecting me.
But I never seemed to really pay attention, I'd somehow resigned myself to thinking I'd take whatever I could get.
That was up until the time Dawson called at the last minute to cancel a 'date' we had. I in turn called Audrey to meet up with her for dinner and I guess she'd finally decided she'd heard enough.
Midway though eating her pasta she placed her fork on the table, closed her eyes for a moment before she took a deep breath.
"Joey, you can't keep doing this to yourself."
"Doing what?" I'd asked perplexed.
Rolling her eyes, she seemed sort of surprised she even had to say it out loud. "This 'fucking dance' you have going on with Dawson."
I looked at her for a moment, not quite sure what to say.
"It's tearing you apart inside, isn't it?" She asked not really looking for an answer. "It's always like this if he has to cancel. Do you think he gets like this when you cancel on him?"
"Gets like what?"
"Barely eats anything, wonders what the other one is doing, what they're thinking about…tries to dissect what it all means." She answered honestly. "But then, you've never cancelled on him, have you?"
I bit my bottom lip; she knew fine well I'd never cancelled. Maybe that's why it seemed to sting all the more whenever Dawson had to, not that it'd happened a lot, only two or three times...or maybe it was four.
"This thing you two have, whatever you decide to call it, it's not good for you." She looks really concerned and her voice is somewhat calming otherwise maybe I would have argued back, told her it wasn't the case. "You've been on some sort of emotional roller coaster for years. You're up one minute and down the next."
Finally finding my voice I asked the one question I've asked before but I've never really listened to her answer, I've never really wanted to. "And what do you suggest?"
"You have to tell him you can't see him anymore."
"At all?"
"You'll just fall back into that old pattern."
"No we wouldn't." I answered defensively.
"Really, because I can name lots of reasons why you would. Reasons that tell me you'd have to sever ties with him." I open my mouth to say something but she continues. "You know I love Dawson, but whatever it is you two have going on is not healthy. He's just one of those ex's you can't keep as a friend."
"Why?" I asked incredulously.
"You're really gonna ask me to name all the reasons, aren't you?"
I just nodded my head – part of me not wanting to believe what she was saying, yet part of me really needed to hear it all.
"Fine." She stated rolling her eyes. "Reason number one, the sexual chemistry is explosive."
"That can't count and can't be helped. Besides it's not a good enough reason for me."
"Please, I met you two for lunch once and wondered if you two would have lasted until after lunch before legging it to the nearest motel."
"Next reason."
"Fine." She rolled her eyes at me again. "Whenever he has a girlfriend, or there's even the chance he's dating someone you get all sulky and moody. Add to that the fact that if someone ever suggests you hook them up with him you all but die!"
"That's not because I don't want them to be with him, they're not good enough for him, can I help that I'm looking out for him?"
"So it's never been about you're hoping he'd somehow want more than a booty call from you?"
I opened my mouth to defend myself but no words would come out.
"Just as I suspected. You're inability to answer speaks volumes bunny!" She seemed to be pleased with herself and her ability to make me see what she was seeing. "You two are like a lot of people."
"How so?"
"On and off for years, the thought of him with someone else could kill you and you think about him a lot more than you let on."
"That's hardly conclusive."
"So if he were to call you tomorrow and tell you he was getting married, you'd be fine with that?"
"Yes." I replied quickly, perhaps too quickly.
She smirks. "So he calls and says 'Joey, I have some great news for you, I'm getting married.'" She pauses for a moment taking a sip or her water and I may have flinched slightly. "It means no more sex, no more moments of 'sheer bliss' I think you called it. You'd be fine?"
"Yes." I reply defiantly.
"Knowing that someone else will have the pleasure of driving him wild in bed and that things could never get hot and heavy between you again."
Unable to take anymore I finally asked, "Do you know something that I don't?"
"Yes!" Her tone was a little louder now, firmer. "You'll never be satisfied with anything less than a relationship with him, and I mean a real relationship. You can't continue on like this, taking whatever you can get because geography is a pain in the ass." Audrey seems to give me a moment to let that thought penetrate. "You have to do something about it."
"Like what?" I questioned.
Audrey smiled as she continued. "Admission is the first step to recovery sister."
"Geez, you're enjoying this aren't you!" I said knowing she wasn't really, but slightly annoyed at her now looking like the cat that got the cream.
"To be honest I never thought we'd get this far." She says before remembering why she was so damned pleased with herself. "You either have to step back and set the boundaries, no more no-strings attached sex because it's not healthy, and it only makes you more attached."
She's silent after that, maybe letting me take in the information. "What's the other option?"
"You have to tell him how you feel, what you want. He's a man not a bloody mind reader."
I can't help but let out a small laugh at that. She's right, I know she is. Maybe I've always known what I should do I was just afraid.
Afraid that if I tried to end it it'd kill me or if I said I wanted more he'd say he didn't. Of course there was always another possibility; the one that he'd say he wanted something more too which in itself terrified me.
'Coz I don't wanna be left here all alone
Don't wanna be left here on my own
Don't wanna be left here all alone
Don't wanna be, no no
"You're right." I tell her after what seems like hours but is probably only seconds. "It just somehow seemed easier this way, knowing he wanted me in some way. Might not have been all of me but this way seemed enough."
"But for how long?"
"I don't know. I guess I've been waiting on him to end it, say it was over and I was just biding my time."
"Hasn't he ever wondered why you weren't after something more, why you weren't with someone else?"
Lightly shrugging my shoulders I replied, "Never out loud anyway. Just like I've never asked him, I just somehow expected it. Been waiting for it to happen."
"Have you guys ever talked about any of the bigger issues?"
I shook my head. "Those issues were far too serious."
"Not even hypothetically or joking around?" She asked as she reached for her glass of water.
I don't wanna be left her all alone
Don't wanna be left to die
Just give me one last surprise
"You mean midway through the sex blurting out how many kids I wanted?" I asked causing her to almost spit out her water.
"Kind of, but not exactly."
"That was just too serious to even joke about."
"But you do want kids, right?"
"Yeah." I nodded my head. "But I'm not getting any younger."
"You're not old Joey." She informed me. "You're only twenty-seven."
"And if I continue the way things are now, I'll still be waiting forever for something more with Dawson and would never actually get to move on, get to meet someone else…start a family."
"It's not too late Joey."
"Maybe it's not but next time I see Dawson, I'll tell him it's over."
"Next time you see him?"
"Well I'm not gonna do it in an e-mail or over the phone." What did she think I was?
"But can you really say it in person?"
"Well I can't exactly add it on at the end of the phone sex."
Audrey raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"I have needs too you know and don't give me that look just because I never told you that before."
"Fine, but it just added way more proof that I was right."
In the end I was glad I had talked to Audrey, it meant I was able to come to terms with the fact it'd soon be over. I couldn't exactly hope to have a long distance relationship with him; we were both too busy for that. As things were I wasn't even sure how long it'd be before I'd see him again.
The one thing I was scared of though was that I wouldn't have the strength to go through with telling him when I saw him again, but at the same time I didn't have it in me to do it over the phone.
It was too cruel, or was it? I'd played the thought over and over again as I stood in line in Starbucks waiting to place my order, almost a week after I'd originally had the major breakthrough with Audrey.
The longer I stood in line the more I just wanted to see Dawson to get it over with, it was hard enough knowing it had to end but the not knowing when…it was beginning to drive me crazy.
I should have just blurted it out over the phone last night, instead of being dragged into some conversation about fantasies. Wait until Audrey hears about that one I rolled my eyes.
Barely had the thought entered my mind when I felt a pair of arms move around my waist and someone gently bit on my ear.
Oh my God!
"I was just walking by and saw you in here concentrating a great deal on the drinks menu and I just felt the need to come in here and do this." A voice said into my ear.
The woman in front of me turned around for a moment and looked from me to the guy, throwing a disapproving glance our way and I managed not to laugh.
"Have you managed to get that out of your system then?" I asked calmly.
"Not really, it hasn't helped."
"Well what would help?" I asked biting on my bottom lip still not seeing his face.
"Believe it or not I'm tempted to just push you up against the counter and have my wicked way with you." He purred into my ear and the woman turned around again, her look just as chilling as before. "That is if you wouldn't mind!" He seemed to be addressing the woman not me and she turned away.
I wasn't sure if I should laugh or be mortified and deciding to be bold I went with it and turned to face him, closed my eyes and our lips met briefly. There was a pause for a moment before our lips met again in a fiery kiss; I guessed this wouldn't be my local Starbucks anymore as his tongue brushed against mine.
Someone coughed and we broke the kiss, neither of us caring that people were looking. The girl behind the counter looking at me expectantly when I turned to face her and he tightened his grip on my arm, "Let's get out of here."
"Thought you'd never ask, my place is just around the corner." I told him and we quickly made our way towards the exit.
Within ten minutes we'd stumbled through the door of my apartment, kissing, touching and moaning as well as giggled.
We didn't waste any time, no sooner had the door closed than our hands were roaming everywhere, mine up and down his clothed chest, his caressing my breasts, between my legs and my face.
As I back up towards the bedroom, jackets fell quickly to the floor and his belt was next to go as he undid the buttons on my blouse and we kissed frantically.
"I'm not in the habit of doing this." I panted as he dropped my blouse on the floor and his eyes drifted down to the silky material that covered my breasts.
"I'm not judging you." He responded pulling me closer and the bulge in his trousers brushed against my stomach.
His hands moved down my back and he hiked up my skirt, pushing my panties down before he lifts me slightly into him while grinning, know he was about to get lucky.
As he placed me back on the floor I quickly undid the zipper and button on his jeans and he undid the front clasp of my bra, pushing the straps down my arms before flicking his thumbs over my nipples.
I moaned lightly while pushing his jeans and boxer shorts down past his butt before placing my hands on his shoulders. Leaning up to kiss him I moved to change our positions, so he had his back to the bed.
"Remove your shirt." I commanded, stroking the tip of his erect cock and he obeyed, throwing it aside while I trailed my hands up his chest before pushing him onto the bed.
Quickly retrieving a condom from the nightstand I tore the wrapper off before hiking up my skirt and knelling on the bed almost straddling him I put it on.
"What's your name?" He asked leaning on his elbows as I finished with the condom.
"Joey." I replied huskily adjusting my skirt as I moved forward, lowering myself onto him.
The sex was fast yet explosive and within five minutes of entering the apartment we've both climaxed and I had fallen on top of him. Is this what it was like to have sex with a stranger?
There was silence as we both caught our breath.
"Did you see the look on that woman's face as we left?" I asked while resting my head on his chest, his arm around me.
"I was too scared to look at her." He replied with a light chuckle and I looked at him for the first time, really looked at him.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"I just had to see you, especially after that phone call last night and after the way you described that fantasy, I just had to try it." Dawson said stroking my back. "Not meaning to sound crass or anything, but is it what you expected?"
"Yes." I replied suddenly self-conscious of the fact I even opened up to him about that kind of thing in the first place.
We fell into a comfortable silence and I mulled over everything I had to say, knowing I had to do it now but could I really just after we'd had sex?
"Did you mean what you said about needing to see me?"
"Yeah." He replied and I couldn't read his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"Because up until I hung up the phone I wasn't planning to, after we talked I was in desperate need of a cold shower." He informed me running his hand through his hair. "Which wasn't exactly what I needed, so I rearranged my schedule."
I won't let you live without me
And I won't let you see me cry
Something inside my brain seemed to snap to attention. I'd been seduced by the guy that I loved, fulfilling a fantasy no less, and all he'd needed was to work something out of his system. Is this really what we'd become?
Trying to stay composed I rolled away from him and moved off of the bed, willing myself not to cry as I located my clothes.
"I need to get back to work." I told him as I began to quickly dress.
"Can't you stay a little while longer?" He asked leaning up on his elbows to look at me.
Somehow I couldn't seem to bite my tongue. "So we can go at it again, one for the road?"
Dawson looked somewhat surprised. "That's not what I meant." He began defensively but I didn't want to hear anything.
"I don't know many guys that would fly three thousand miles just to have sex with someone, well unless they were married or dating, which we aren't." I charged on. "I never ever expected you to be like that. I never expected I'd be content for years doing this little 'fucking dance' as Audrey rightfully labelled it. And do you know something Dawson, I'm not."
I paused taking a breath and maybe he was surprised at my outburst, maybe I was being too honest, but he didn't say anything. Not that I waited for him to speak.
"I can't just be someone you come to for a booty call. I won't be anymore, I need something more." Without even realizing it my voice had raised slightly and I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. "If someone had told me when we were in high school we'd end up being 'fuck buddies' for a few years I'd have called them insane. But I think I'm the crazy one for allowing this to take hold of me, to go on so long. I'm not even sure what you want from this or any other relationship."
Unable to stop myself I laughed, not at something funny but at the irony of this. "We're supposed to be best friends and I don't know some of the basic things about you. Do you want to get married or have kids?" Not really looking for an answer I continued. "I want those things, I want romance and this isn't the answer to getting any of that, it's not enough for me."
Taking a deep breath I mustered on to the finish. "That's why I have to end this. And I can't see you for a while because things will never change; I proved that to myself today. Have a nice flight home." I finished before quickly leaving the room and the apartment.
Walking home from work I couldn't quite believe I'd said the things I did, unable to believe my outburst. Sure I'd wanted to tell Dawson how I felt, I needed more from the relationship than sex, but it wasn't supposed to be so confrontational.
We weren't supposed to see each other in God knows how long, by which point I would have worked out what to say and how to say it. There would have been no confrontation and above all else there would have been no sex whatsoever.
Oh but the sex had been pretty damn amazing…not the point to be making right now seeing how an important relationship had just been ruined. Why did he have to come here? Why oh why did he have to initiate the whole sex fantasy thing?
I don't even know if he called me at work, my assistant being under strict instructions to hold all of my personal calls, unless they were from Bessie or Audrey. I've been terrified to switch on my cell, not quite sure what could scare me the most; the fact that he'd called or the fact that he hadn't.
Imagine my surprise when after climbing the stairs to my apartment hoping for nothing more than a hot bath and an early night, I heard music coming from the lounge. Not only that I could smell food.
Walking towards the room I didn't dare allow myself to believe it was what I thought it was, I didn't need any disappointment right now.
Maybe lose, maybe lie
This could be the last surprise
Entering the living room I hear Dawson singing with the music and normally I would be slightly amused at him singing along with Michelle Branch but at that point I wasn't sure what to expect.
Clearing my throat I said, "Hey."
Dawson turned to face me. "Hey." He managed with a small smile.
There was a moment of silence, well for us anyway, Michelle was content to keep singing and part of me wanted to just reach out and take his hand or hug him or something. Anything to smooth things over.
"I didn't expect to find you here." I finally blurted out.
"That's to be expected when you wouldn't take my calls." He replied somewhat icily and I knew I deserved it. At least now I knew he had called. He shook his head. "I didn't stay here to fight Joey."
"Then why did you?" I asked while removing my coat.
"Because there were things I never got the chance to say earlier, like the fact I had an open ended ticket."
Oh, I mouthed not sure what to say. I was stumped; never for one minute had I considered he'd have done anything like that. My first and only conclusion was he had wanted sex.
"Did you really think I just flew all this way to have sex with you?" He asked and for some reason I couldn't bring myself to answer. "It may have been a perk of seeing you but the real reason was to see you. I felt bad for having to cancel on you last week and then speaking to you last night I really wanted to make it up to you."
"Why didn't you say so earlier?" I asked needing to sit down.
"When exactly did I have the chance? You caught me off guard, I'm not sure if that's because of how you said it or what you said exactly because for some reason I actually believed you preferred things the way they were." He replied honestly. "And to a certain degree I was comfortable with it."
Another brief silence enveloped the room as he allowed me to process all of this before he continued.
"At times it seemed like we were a couple, not officially but there were times it could be defined like that. We'd go out for dinner, cuddle, watch movies, have sex but we never fought. I had to remind myself we weren't actually dating and all this time you've wanted more and I never knew?"
"Yeah."
"Well I feel like an idiot because all of this time I've wanted more, we've wanted the same thing yet we just couldn't say it."
His words hung in the air and I was still stunned. We'd both wanted the same thing and never done anything and now…
"About six months ago I was offered a job here and I turned it down…"
Puzzled I couldn't help but ask, "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
'Coz I don't wanna be left here all alone
Don't wanna be left here on my own
Don't wanna be left here all alone
Don't wanna be, oh no
I don't wanna be left her all alone
"Because part of me was scared how it would affect our relationship. In some weird way it was like we were caught up in some long distance relationship but with only the good stuff." Taking a deep breath he continued, "There was this guy I worked on a movie with and he had this long distance thing going on with a friend and as soon as she moved closer to him everything changed. The status of the relationship changed, they more or less did everything together until finally the relationship was unrecognisable and they lost sight of who they'd been before. I didn't want that to happen with us."
Don't wanna be left to die
Just give me one last surprise
"So you settled?"
"Yeah, I didn't want us to end up like them."
"And shouldn't I have had a say in how our relationship progressed?" I asked slightly annoyed by his admission.
"With hindsight yes, but at the time I thought it was for the best."
"How noble of you."
I need you, I need you, I need you
"Dammit Joey, I didn't want to lose you!" He cried out in frustration.
I'm moved almost to tears by his admission, I knew how he felt. "So, what now?" I asked after a moment.
"I honestly don't know."
"Seriously, you mean you don't have that decided?" I asked sarcastically trying to lighten the moment and off of his look I added, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. You really don't know what's next?"
"Well I have an idea about the rest of the night." He smiled as he reached for one of my hands and we moved out of the living room towards the kitchen/diner and he finished as we entered. "Maybe now's the time to start on romance."
Looking before me I saw the table set for two, candles were lit around the room and on the table. There were some white tulips in a vase at the centre of the table and a bottle of wine was chilling in a bucket.
Surprised and speechless I opened my mouth to speak; this is not what I had expected. Maybe due to not wanting to get my hopes up too high.
"We'll just take it a day at a time, we'll work it out." Dawson said breaking me from my thoughts as he stroked the small of my back.
"Okay." Turning to face him I cupped his cheek tenderly before bringing my lips up to meet his.
And we did work it out; in the beginning it was a long distance relationship with the aim being one of us would eventually make a move to be with the other.
Within six months he had been offered a job in New York much like the one he'd turned down before. This time he had accepted it and we moved in together.
To say our relationship didn't go through some changes would be an understatement. In the beginning we had a few ups and downs which was to be expected considering it was the first time we'd really lived with someone of the opposite sex, but we managed to work it out.
'Coz I don't wanna be left here all alone
Don't wanna be left here on my own
Don't wanna be left here all alone
One of the major perks was the sex being different; in fact we made the transition from it being just sex to making love. To be with him knowing I didn't have to hold back a certain part of myself, the part of me that fell for him made the whole experience different.
Don't wanna be, oh no
I don't wanna be left her all alone
Don't wanna be left to die
Just give me one last surprise
No time was more momentous than after our first major fight, we were making up for it though and as he pushed me closer towards the climax he did it. He whispered those magic words, "I love you Joey, I love you," over and over again, culminating in the most earth shattering orgasm I ever had.
It's surprising how things have a way of working out; I'd hoped for but never expected him to want the same things as me. But he did.
Entering the apartment and hearing the clatter of pots and pans in the kitchen has this ability to make me break out into a grin because there are times when I wonder if it's all been a dream. After climbing the stairs I'll wait to enter the apartment for a moment and have to take a deep breath in order to prepare myself for the chance it's just been a figment of my imagination. And there are times I'm genuinely surprised to find it's not.
One last surprise
Sometimes I find myself wondering if he's as surprised as I am by all of this and as I walk down the hallway to see him, touching my stomach before entering the room, I wonder, could he take one last surprise.
THE END!