Heather couldn't believe she had actually fallen asleep on the drive to Jericho. As nervous as she was it seemed truly impossible. She had settled into the government jeep unhappily, the drive before them was just too long. She wanted to be in Jericho already, to be surrounded by the people she loved and the faces she missed. She could picture the town exactly like it was the day she left. She could still picture the person she had missed the most as they climbed into his car to go to New Bern.
That drive had been interesting. For starters she had never imagined Jake actually letting her go with them. She had put her foot down. The drive had been tense, exhausting. She hadn't been out of city limits since the bombs, and it was as horrifying as she had imagined. She'd ridden behind Jake, cowering I the back. Every second seemed like it would be their last. That made her brave. Every time she met his eyes in the rearview mirror was a moment she had promised to hold onto.
Part of her had known she wasn't coming back. Part of her had known it since she had climbed into the car. It wasn't a part she was paying much attention to but it was there, in the back of her mind, telling her to count the moments. She knew there were other places that needed her help, needed her brains. New Bern had been her hometown. The place where she grew up. The place that raised her. If they needed her how could she deny them her help? How could she stay for a man who did not and would not love her back. It would be selfish, and if there was one thing Heather was not, it was selfish.
She rode all the way wondering what New Bern held for her. More then that, she was taking her sweet time saying goodbye to Jake, making sure she remembered. He would look in the rearview mirror, checking to make sure she was alright. Their eyes would meet and her heart would pound. She didn't know what those moments held for him, but for her they were bliss. Even if he didn't love her, even if he had chosen Emily over her, Heather loved him. He had shown her what being alive truly felt like and she would never forget it.
New Bern had been straight from her nightmares. She had thought that Jericho hadn't fared well, but New Bern was worse. It's small town charm was gone, and it had been replaced by something dark and ugly. It was the picture of what happened to a society when its laws were gone. When it had to survive on its own. There was no order, no authority. Everyone cared about one thing, themselves. It scared Heather. She stayed close to Jake's side, taking in the people she had once known. She couldn't believe the way things had changed.
From the moment she had run into her friend from high school she had known there was no going back. She had hated it too. Watching Jake be protective of her, watching him keep her close to his side, she had wanted to be selfish. She had wanted to hope that maybe things would change between him. Maybe he would choose her over Emily. Maybe he loved that she was nerdy, and geeky, and klutzy, and not six foot tall and blonde. She knew the moment of goodbye was coming though. She could feel it building.
For as long as she would live, no matter how long or short that was, she would always remember the way he looked in that moment. She would remember the way his t shirt felt against her cheek. She would remember the way he looked at her, desperate. She didn't know what it meant but she would always remember the look in his eyes as she drove away. It said more then they had ever said out loud. His words would echo in her mind through everything she was about to endure.
"Come back in one piece."
The next few weeks she worked herself to the bone. Every day she climbed out of bed in her shabby, run down motel room. Days passed. She worked all day and into the night. She wanted to do her best for her hometown. Days just passed, and she learned that time has no meaning when your heart isn't in it. Every day brought a new challenge. Something old broke or something new didn't work and they needed her to fix it. She worked and worked until every bone in her body hurt, and then she worked some more. The people who knew her called her a saint, but no one really understood why she worked herself into exhaustion every day. She hated returning to her motel room on the edge of town with the other workers. She hated the ugly colors and the peeling walls. She hated the lumpy bed she had to crawl into. Most of all, she hated sleeping. She hated the dreams she would have every night. She worked so had cause unless she half dead from exhaustion she got to see him in her dreams.
Jake seemed so real in those dreams. That was the torture. She could smell his cologne. Smell his toothpaste on his breathe. They were standing across from each other so close that she could have leaned forward and touched him. That was the rule though. No touching. If she forgot and reached out for him he'd be gone, like a whisp of smoke, while she plummeted back to reality.
Between the dreams and the work it was a rough existence for Heather. It was the kind that tears you down piece by piece until you don't know up from down or whether you are coming or going. Slowly she drifted from task to task becoming a shadow of her former self. She forgot to smile most days and never laughed. She just kept moving.
Her memories of Jake were bottled in the back of her mind. If she allowed herself to think about them she just slipped farther and farther away. She knew she needed to stay attached to the here and now. She only allowed herself one luxury, one single thought every day.
Every morning between getting dressed and brushing her teeth she would stand at the window in her room. It overlooked the empty highway. If she looked to her left, she knew that he was there somewhere in the distance in Jericho. She would send up a prayer that he was safe, and happy, and even though it was bad she hoped that he missed her at least a little.
She let herself picture him, sitting across from Gail eating breakfast. She could see how he looked in the morning, his hair a mess and his eyes blurry. She could see him sitting next to her, smiling and laughing. She could see him driving his car down main street, tossing her a smile as he went. The way he waved. The way he smiled and looked down at her. The way he said her name. They were all pieces of the past. They hurt her and got her through the day at the same time.
She started every day by giving herself a second of wanting. A second of wishing. Second to miss him with everything she had. She could close her eyes then, and just believe in him for a moment. Then it would be gone. She only got a few seconds before she had to turn away and go get dressed, before she had to lock Jake away again. She had work to do, and Heather knew if she didn't do it, who would?
When everything went down with she and Eric, she thought she was going to die. It was truly something she believed. She stood up to Constantino, and prayed that maybe her death wouldn't be in vain. She wanted to save Jericho more then anything. She wanted to save Eric. She wanted to save Jake. It was a battle like no other. Inside her, and with the men who tortured her. Something inside her died during those days. Only Eric would understand.
Every time they brought her back to her cell he would hold her. At first it was while she cried. In the last of those days, he just held her while she sat there with her eyes closed. You run out of tears. You run out of the energy to moan. Eric understood. She had been the preacher's daughter. A women who understand science and her books, and knitting. She wasn't someone who knew human nature. She wasn't someone who feared the evil waiting at the bottom of everyone's soul. Now she did though. They had taught her. With the knowledge a bit of her had been lost.
Even now as she road back towards the place she had been longing for, Heather knew that a piece of her was still gone. It wasn't something that others would miss right away, but if you looked closely you could still see it. There was something different in her eyes.
When they woke her, as they were driving down the main street of Jericho, she wondered how long it would take the people in her town to miss it.