Disclaimer: Not mine.
(A/N: Well, this was an attempt at humor, and it is pretty random. I hope it's funny and not stupid, but please no flames.)
Maureen paced the apartment she shared with her girlfriend, Joanne. Joanne would be home from work in half an hour and Maureen had a myriad of surprises for her.
"I should do something romantic!" Maureen said out-loud. She had the perfect idea.
Grabbing her purse, she headed for the grocery store a few blocks away. She was worried she wouldn't be ready in time. As soon as she was home, she got straight to work. She put the two Hershey bars in a pot and placed it on the stove. While it melted, she put the strawberries and whipped cream in the refrigerator. Maureen then picked up the roses and picked the petals off. She tossed them around the room. Standing back, she observed her work.
Remembering the chocolate, she took it off the stove. She retrieved the strawberries and dipped them in the chocolate. Maureen arranged them prettily on a pink plate. In the center, she added a generous amount of whipped cream. Unable to resist, Maureen picked out a strawberry and dipped it in the whipped cream.
"Mmm," she closed her eyes and swallowed the sugary fruit. She placed the plate on the table and stretched out on the couch. Her tight red tank top slid up a bit, revealing her flat stomach. Her jeans hugged her curves rather nicely. She wanted to look as sexy as possible. Then maybe her news wouldn't be so bad.
Maureen saw the doorknob turn and the door open. Joanne entered, dressed in a sleek black suit.
"Honeybear! You—" Joanne started, but Maureen cut her off.
"Pookie! Sit down, I have a surprise for you," Maureen sat up and patted the empty space on the couch. Joanne sat down and was immediately taken into Maureen's arms. Maureen kissed her girlfriend seductively.
"Honeybear…" Joanne said, knowing that she was up to something.
Maureen reached over and picked up a strawberry. She teased Joanne for a moment, nearing the strawberry to Joanne's mouth, retracting it to her own, then smiling and feeding it to Joanne.
"Mmm, Honeybear, how thoughtful," Joanne said, savoring the taste.
"I'm pregnant."
Joanne's smile quickly faded and her eyes widened. "Come again?"
"A baby! I'm going to have a baby! Joanne, isn't it great?"
"Maureen, sweetie, two girls can't have babies," Joanne pulled her hands out of Maureen's grasp, crossing them over her chest.
"That's the thing," Maureen hung her head. "It's not yours."
"I never would have guessed," she replied dryly.
"But there is only one guy who can be the father," Maureen said.
"Do I know him?" Joanne asked. "And can I kick his ass for sleeping with you?"
"Mark."
"No way," Joanne stood up. "Why?"
"He's just so adorable," Maureen smiled, remembering her ex-boyfriend.
"He is a cutie, but that's no reason to cheat on me," Joanne hugged Maureen. "It hurts. I think of former flames, but I don't mess around with them."
"I'm sorry," Maureen started crying.
"Honeybear," Joanne comforted, "we'll get through this."
"I have to tell him."
"We will."
"Tonight."
"Tonight?" Joanne questioned.
Maureen wiped her tears. "Let's go."
"You're going to leave me alone after telling me this?" Joanne was getting angry again.
"Come with me," Maureen pouted.
"Why should I be there to tell your ex-boyfriend that you're pregnant?"
"Because I love you, Pookie," Maureen smiled.
Joanne couldn't resist Maureen's smile. And those jeans did look good on her. "Only because I love you back," she gave in.
You pretend to believe her
'Cause in the end you can't leave her.
Maureen glanced at the clock. It was nearing 7:00. "Let's go."
"Just let me go to the bathroom," Joanne stood up.
"No, we don't have time."
"It's not like Mark and Roger are expecting us."
"I was to get this over with."
"I really have to pee," Joanne protested.
"Well, you can go when we get to Marky's," Maureen grabbed her girlfriend's hand and yanked her out the door. Maureen always got her way.
Joanne walked uncomfortably down the street, Maureen gripping her hand and pulling her the five blocks to Mark and Roger's loft.
Maureen stopped at the door and buried her head in Joanne's shoulder. "I can't do this," she sobbed dramatically.
"You can do it," Joanne consoled. "Now, let's go, I really need to use the bathroom."
They headed upstairs, Joanne in the lead. Maureen had since dried her tears and seemed even a bit excited. Tentatively, Joanne opened the door, revealing a dark apartment.
Instantaneously, the lights flicked on and their friends came out of nowhere. "Surprise!"
Mark stood in front of the couch, trying to smile. He looked slightly uncomfortable, as he had several balloons tied to his arms and legs. In marker, some said "Happy Birthday Joanne" and "We love you Joanne." This was obviously the work of Mimi, as one said "Mimi rocks Mark's socks."
Joanne smiled. "Thanks guys." She gave Mark a funny look. "Today is just a birthday full of surprises."
"Wanna know another?" Maureen slinked her arms around Joanne's waist.
"Do I?"
"I'm not really pregnant," Maureen smiled. "It was the only way I could think to get you here."
"Why would you come here if you were pregnant?" Mark asked, batting balloons out of his face.
"I told her it was yours," Maureen grinned. Mark always was fun to mess with.
"Oh," his face reddened.
"Can I please use the bathroom?" Joanne pleaded. "One more surprise and I swear I'm going to wet myself."
"Go," Maureen pushed her girlfriend forward, lightly slapping her ass.
Joanne hurried to the back of the loft where the bathroom was. She shut the door and scurried over to the toilet. Her hands went to unbutton her pants, but she paused as the shower curtains rustled.
"Surprise!" Roger popped out of the shower with a headshot of Joanne taped to his shirt, a cupcake in each hand.
"AAHH!" Joanne screamed, obviously frightened. She was not expecting Roger to surprise her like that.
"Gotcha!" Roger laughed.
Joanne looked down. "Damn."
"Sorry," Roger said, following her gaze. "Do you want to borrow some pants?"
Fin
(A/N: If you didn't think it was funny, know I tried. I really did. I also don't think I captured Maureen and Joanne and their relationship as well as I could have, and I apologize for that. Please don't hurt me.)