The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament

By

James Doyle

"And we're on in five, four, three..." directed the stage director, signaling two and one silently.

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," announced the announcer as the theme music played. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome into our studio today's contestants."

"A junior at Tribeca Prep in New York City, please welcome, Alex Russo," introduced the announcer as a tall, slender, fashionable Hispanic young woman danced onto the stage, shaking her hips and holding her hands in the air.

"A junior at Seaview High in Malibu, California, originally from Crowley Corners, Tennessee, please welcome, Miley Stewart," introduced the announcer as a tall, curvy brunette walked onto the stage, alternately waving and blowing kisses.

"And finally, a sophomore at Washington Prep in Washington, D.C., originally from San Francisco, California, please welcome Cory Baxter," introduced the announcer as a pudgy, bald-shaven African-American young man ran out onto the stage.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer as the host ran out onto the stage. "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

"Thank you," began Stu with a salute to the audience, "And welcome to The Dirty Dozens, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and you'll strike it rich if your mom's a stank bitch. How's everybody doing tonight?"

The audience and the contestants cheered.

"Let's have a look at tonight's categories," narrated Stu as the board lit up each category in turn. "'Yo mama's so fat'...'Yo mama's so stupid'...'Yo mama's so hairy'...and 'Pot Luck'. Miley, you won the dice roll, so you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'Mama's so stupid' for a hundred, Stu," requested Miley.

"Yo mama's so stupid...." prompted Stu, at which point Cory rang in.

"Cory," acknowledged Stu.

"Yeah, yo mama's so stupid, she thought Hunchback of Notre Dame was a football movie," dissed Cory.

"Judges?" asked Stu, at which point they awarded Cory the points.

"Cory, you have control of the board," noted Stu.

"I'll take 'Yo mama so fat' for a hundred, Stu," requested Cory.

"New category," said Stu. "Yo mama so fat..."

Alex rang in. "Your mama's so fat, she has to take the B, C, D, and F trains to get uptown."

A ringing sound indicated that Alex had won the points.

"I'll take 'Pot Luck' for a hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"Wild card category," indicated Stu. "'Yo mama's so stank..."

Miley rang in.

"Miley," acknowledged Stu.

"Your mama's so stank, she has to use five different brands of perfume," ventured Miley.

"Judges?" deferred Stu, answered immediately by a buzzing noise.

"I'm sorry, Miley," regretted Stu. "We can't accept that. Anyone else?"

Alex rang in. "Your mama's so stank, she turned Ivory soap ebony."

"Ooh, burn!" acknowledged Stu as Alex got the points. "Alex, you have the board."

"I'll talk 'Pot Luck' for two-hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"Yo mama so skinny..." prompted Stu.

Miley rang in immediately. "Your mama's so skinny, she wears a promise ring for an anklet."

"And Miley's in the game!" exclaimed Stu as the judges awarded Miley her points. "And you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'hairy' for a hundred, Stu," requested Miley.

"New category," noted Stu. "'Yo mama so hairy...Miley."

"Your mama's so hairy, she shaves with John Deere," dissed Miley, earning her another hundred points.

"Ooh, looks like Miley's rollin' with the homies," quipped Stu.

"Trust me," explained Miley. "If you met my Aunt Pearl, you'd understand."

Stu nodded. "Miley, you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'fat' for two-hundred," requested Miley.

"Yo mama so fat..." read Stu, prompting Cory to punch in.

"Cory," acknowledged Stu.

"Yo mama's so fat, she had her portrait done by Rand McNally," dissed Cory.

"And Cory ties it up," observed Stu.

"I will take 'fat' for three-hundred, Stu," requested Cory.

"For three hundred, and the game," said Stu. "Yo mama so fat..."

Alex buzzed in. "Your mama's so fat, her ass is on 110th Street when her belly button is in Central Park."

"And that's the end of the round!" announced Stu. "Alex will compete in the championship round on Thursday. Miley and Cory are tied at three-hundred, which means they'll go into sudden death to compete for a spot in our runners-up round on Friday."

At that point, a mannequin dangling from a wire came down from the ceiling.

"And now, for our Sudden Death round," elaborated Stu, "We have a little something we like to call 'Hit or Dis.' Our contestants will be given a paint-stick, then blindfolded at spun around before taking a whack at our dis dummy. Whatever body part they hit first is where they have to direct their dis. Two minutes on the clock; whoever gets the most wins. Cory, you were up last, so you'll go first."

An attractive extra blindfolded Cory, then spun him around. He stumbled his way toward the dummy, and whacked it squarely on the buttocks.

"Butt dis for Cory," declared Stu.

"Okay, okay," pondered Cory before answering. "Yo mama's butt so big, she can clear the room by shaking her booty."

When Miley's turn came, she aim high and whacked the dummy on the boobs.

"Boob dis!" declared Stu.

"Your mama's so flat, she can wear a tube sock for a tube top," dissed Miley.

"One all," announced Stu.

Cory tried to aim high, but the dummy bounced and just the wrong moment, and he it on the feet.

"Cory, let's have a foot dis," said Stu.

"Yeah, um..." said Cory, struggling a bit. "Yo mama's feet so stank, she need a HAZMAT team when she throw out her old shoes."

"Judges?" prompted Stu, at which point the judges declined Cory's dis.

"I'm sorry, we can't accept that," regretted Stu. "Miley."

Miley aimed high once again, and hit the dummy on the nose.

"Nose dis for the game!" said Stu.

"Your mama..." said Miley, hesitating for a moment. "Your mama's nose is so big, she can sit in Nashville and smell the reefer in Chicago."

"Do we have time for one more dis from Cory?" Stu asked rhetorically.

Just as the hostess began spinning Cory up, the buzzer rang.

"And that's the end of our sudden death round," announced Stu. "Miley will advance to our runners-up round on Friday."

Stu then turned to shake Cory's hand.

"Cory, I'm sorry," lamented Stu, "You just couldn't dis, and now you're dismissed."

Cory reluctantly accepted the handshake before storming off the stage.

"That's all the time we have for tonight," announced Stu. "Be sure and join us tomorrow for our next set of teenage trash-talkers in The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament. Peace out, everybody!"

End of Game

This story was based upon the recurring segment The Dirty Dozens from the sketch-comedy show In Living Color. Stu Dunfy was played by Nick Bakay, best known as the voice of Salem Saberhagen from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.

I wrote this just for fun after indulging in some nostalgia on YouTube. Let me know if you like it, and if you'd like me to write the rest of the tournament.