Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of its characters. Squaresoft/Enix does.
Twisted Perfection
I can not say that this is the first time I have distinctively thought this way, though I can say for sure that I am, in the least bit, amused. Though I have grown, enough so to distinguish reality from fantasy, I have not matured in what would be a emancipated state of thought. No, not in the way of letting my feelings free (Yevon knows that I have accomplished that with my life in hold), but it hasn't escaped. No, the thoughts that never leave my mind are the things that keep me so amused, so willing to fall asleep and never wake up. Those are the twisted things I do not dare to let go, the things I dare not to let past my lips.
Father always knew that I wasn't as I was before he left me and my mother to die in the Baaj Temple. I must admit, my mind twisted itself into a vile state of hatred, torturous things becoming the normal substitute for my loneliness, however I never let them see that. I had no trust in anyone, and I still do not, to be perfectly honest. Is it these feelings? These mortal longings to see her again, the woman who sacrificed herself so that I may belong in this society of life, conformed and righteous? It is. I also can say with complete honesty that I do think that these things I think and know are what I suspect, though it can never escape me, dare I let myself become hysterical.
My child years were over one day, one day that shattered my innocence forever. I was no longer sensitive to the meaningful things; I had forever a tormenting mind, one that could understand, one that was able to comprehend what was reality and what was happening to both of us. Dare I say it, this love that I had for my mother, the only one who cared for me? Dare I say what the Guado tribe thinks is wrong, unjust? I am a half-breed, worthless to all. In this way, I can say this without worry; If my father were not an ordained Maester of Yevon, I honestly do not think people would feign their interests in a being such as myself.
For that I am grateful, however, that he graced me at least with high stature, a place in society that was regarded as one of the highest circles. May I be humble to this gesture of love? No, I never was. I never liked it, I never wanted to be ordained as what was a stereotyped label of 'holy man'. People think that we are gods on earth, satisfactory people whom deserve their outright praise, a staple of their prayers for the day. If they only knew me, however. If they only could see things as I did, my perspective twisted into a maniacal circle of pain, they wouldn't praise me. They wouldn't gasp, fawning over me, the girls dreaming of me (of which I know that most of them wish my hand in marriage! Ah, as if I would take their lowly hands), and the children want me to play with them.
I want Spira to be in my image, stationary and perfected. I want Sin to be permanently erased, though not gone. Every night I plan, not only on paper but in mind the way things will be. My plans come without failure, because I fool-proof them in such a way as no one would think. Honestly, after I thought about it for a while, the answer to it was the thing I wanted to destroy: Sin. Sin was the most powerful entity on this earth, this vile place I wanted to control. No Aeon was stronger, counting out Odin. I could accomplish my goal, and take what was rightfully mine, acceptance and complete control. Those idiotic humans and ronsos would have no choice but to obey me, at least before they all were destroyed in the most inhumane ways possible.
You may call me crazy. You may call me anything you want, but not a thing will change. I will get what I want, whether it means that I must kill or not. That is a bit of a staple in my plan, however. Sin kills, destroys lives and erases memories, does it not? If I can kill every living being in Spira, Sin will no longer be able to accomplish its plans nor punish the wicked for their sins. Only then will people accept, rather forgive my father for his marriage to this woman that I call my mother, the woman whom I love (or try to love and forgive) so dearly. It will start with Yuna, however, that pretty little girl whom has bothered my mind to the point where I am just so infatuated. I have already taken Anima, my mother's Aeon, into my body, and all I will need to do is enthrall this young woman into marriage.
From there I will accomplish my goal, seeing as she is a summoner. It is all I need to do, and at that point when we are close to Sin, I can do away with her and take the ultimate power, the only way that I may become God and total ruler. They have betrayed me, these ignorant humans, Guados, Al-Bheds and Ronsos, and I will take what is rightfully mine, then make sure they pay the ultimate price! My morbid curiosities and plans will not be left unfinished, and I will accomplish my ultimate goal: Perfection. These idiotic, Yevon-worshiping beings will pay for their sins against my mother and I!
Forever shall they wish for the chance to repent, to do away with the things they have done to us! Forever shall I make sure of a perfect, silent world with no one to do away with us! I will find my mother, and take her from the Fayth's circle of almighty death, and bring her back with me! I will find a way for my life to be perfect, just like everything around us, forever. And, maybe then, will I have accomplished the true goal in my sad life—Normality and acceptance.
That was all I ever wanted.
The End