Title: Piece by Piece
Rating: PG
Pairing: Derek/Meredith
Summary: Derek muses on the drowning events of Season Three. Just a short angsty one shot.
Disclaimer: Shonda's not mine.
Comments are love and much appreciated.
You can swim. That's all I can think about as we lie here together. You can swim, and you chose not to.
You chose me to breathe for you. Me to save you, me to carry you.
You thought it was hard for you to breathe under water but that's nothing compared to the way that I feel at the moment. I don't feel like I can come up for air. I'm drowning here, drowning in this relationship. You accuse me of hovering too much around you, but my intentions have nothing to do with trying to annoy you. I'm doing it because I care, and evidently I care too much about you.
You scare me so much. I feel that I have to hover and constantly look after you just to make sure that you're okay. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I need to let you go. But I can't because you've already proved to me that you can't swim solo.
As I think about all of this you get up and leave, leaving to ponder alone. The memory of when I found you hangs over me like an eternal watchman and it will not go.
You can swim but you chose to give up. You didn't try to save yourself, and you didn't try to save us.
You let us drown.
You're trying to placate me with your communication bit but it feels forced and I don't think you're taking this seriously. This isn't like a fight with Cristina or a bad surgery. Its not going to go away over night.
Its going to take time. Time that I don't think that you have because you don't want to talk about what happened in the water. I need you to talk to me about it, for you to tell me why you didn't fight.
Tell me why you don't think you are worth saving. Why we aren't worth saving.
If you had died that day I feel certain that my life as I know it now would be over. I'd never be able to stay in this trailer again as I would look at everything in terms of whether you had touched them or not.
The bed still smells of you and is still warm from where you've laid and I move over to the empty space. I need you to be in this relationship as much as I am because I can't carry both you and me.
I'm trying Meredith, but I need you to try too.
My phone buzzes, interrupting my thought process, and as I lean over to answer it I notice that it's you.
"I'm just calling to tell you I'm home now" you say "See, I'm still communicating"
"Meredith.." I sigh, not knowing how to tell you the thoughts that have just been in my head.
"Derek, I'm trying I really am" You sound genuine and it stirs something inside of me.
"That's good because I really need you too"
"I am"
We end the conversation with the promise of starting afresh tomorrow. I believe you this time when you say that you're going to try. I lie back down on the bed and finally feel content knowing that we can work through this, together.