No Understanding Needed
Okay…my first try at Kingdom Hearts…I don't think it's really original, but that's what I felt like writing…I hope some people will like it.
This turned out kinda Axel/Roxas, though it wasn't originally meant to be…if you don't like it, well…I can't tell you what to do, but you were warned.
Kingdom Hearts and its characters don't belong to me, although I really wonder why I even bother stating the obvious…
I dedicate this to my dear friend Lord Ma, who with her kind words of encouragement does so much for me without even knowing it, and my sista' Aelys, without whom there are just so many fics from me that would be named "Untitled". Lol!
It bewilders me. Sometime it even scares me.
How I could so easily kill one of my allies, and then go so far for another one.
How I so easily sentenced Vexen, and then practically sentenced myself for you. But Vexen had gone too far. He was about to let Sora know way too much. Too much about you.
How I didn't even blink when Lexaeus, Larxene and Marluxia fell to the Keyblade bearers, and then how it distressed me to hear you say you were leaving. But I felt that in the long run, you would be gone just like the others, and that was what had really scared me, the simple thought of losing you, the best friend I'd ever had, forever.
How I so heartlessly - not that I have a heart, right? - watched Zexion die, and then was ready to die to see you again. But Zexion had brought it upon himself, hadn't he...? Besides, if it hadn't been the Replica, it would have been the real one, for sure. Or, eventually, Sora. But you...you never wanted to fade away, I know that much for sure. You only wanted answers, the ones I couldn't give you.
How I left Castle Oblivion so untroubled by all the contradictory events that had taken place there, and then how I left the Organization itself, still feeling so untroubled, just to find a way to get the you from my memories back.
How each look of betrayal that the others had sent me as they faded to nothingness had been shrugged off, and then how your blank look when I finally found you again had hurt me.
How when I looked at Kairi, saw how she knew how much she cared for Sora even though she couldn't remember him, it only painfully reminded me that you, even when you'd finally remembered me - too late - still hadn't remembered the close bond that we used to share.
How when I watched Sora from afar, surrounded by all his friends, all I could remember was you saying that no one would miss you, and I had so vehemently protested, saying that I would. The behaviour had surprised me back then, and it still does.
How all I could do to persuade myself that I didn't really care for you was to repeat time and time again that Nobodies don't have hearts, and that therefore there's no way we could have feelings. So even though you made me feel like I had a heart anyway, I could then pass it off as a figment of my imagination.
How I did my best to convince myself that I didn't care that Kairi had escaped, and that Saïx had caught her, because it only reminded me that DiZ had done the same with you. He used you. But you're not coming back. I didn't want to admit it, but I'm becoming painfully aware of it.
How it angered me, so much, that Sora had no idea of your existence, even though he owed you everything.
And how it angered me even more that I still couldn't hate your Other, because in a way, you're still there, aren't you? I can't see you, can't talk to you, can't get to you...but that didn't mean that you're completely gone, right...?
How at first, I'd been ready and even willing to kill Sora to awaken you, but then had felt the much stronger urge to protect him, to sacrifice myself for him.
No.
Not for him; for you. Because I felt the need to keep you safe. You had to still be there somehow. You just had to, otherwise it meant nothing.
How Sora had no clue, no memory of the cold enemy he'd fought in Castle Oblivion, and felt sadness and confusion at watching me fade away, for having saved him, when some time back he had been certain that he'd sent me off for good, and felt quite satisfied about it.
How I so easily admitted how you made me feel to him. How Sora reminded me of you, his Nobody.
How it still hurt that his eyes were still so disconcerted at the mention of your name.
How he still knew nothing of the bond we'd once shared.
But why? If Nobodies are so incapable of feeling anything, why did you and Sora have to go and violate that simple rule? Is it the power of the Keyblade? The power of...Light...?
...Maybe I won't get my heart back, and maybe I won't get the answers I wanted. I won't see you again, so I won't feel again. But I won't let your existence fade entirely either.
And I'll bring those bastards of the Organization down with me. I owe them that much for using us like pawns, right?
Also...I told Kairi that we were similar because we both missed someone we care about. I very obviously won't live to see that day, but maybe she could do it for the both of us...
...Right?
Funny, I still haven't understood it at all.
How I could so easily bring allies to their demise, and then give up everything for you.
That simple thought scares me more than fading away.
…But that doesn't mean I don't like the way you made me feel…
Got it memorized, Roxas?
End
Well…I hope I did Axel some justice. See, I played CoM after KHII, and I was really surprised to discover this cold side of Axel, it's just diametrically opposed to the one he shows when Roxas is related in KHII. So I wanted to write about that. Hope my mind didn't fumble and stumble too much!