Authors' Note: This fanfiction is co-authored by three people: me, my sister, and my brother. It is meant to be funny, and intentional errors are scattered throughout, mostly poking fun at common fanfiction mistakes and tropes. We also poke fun at the movies and their flaws, and anythin' else that's worth poking fun at. We also occasionally have references to other things.
We claim no association with any producers, developers, writers, or cast of Harry Potter. We are the sole owners.
Just kidding.

Chapter 1

Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, had decided. He would buy a book. His Aunt and Uncle would never buy him one, but he'd been saving up since he was six, and now he was eight. He managed to get a ride to the shopping centre with Dudley and Uncle Vernon, who were going to buy Dudley the latest FPS game, Blood and Honour.

Inspired by Dudley's game, Harry thought that if he was also up-to-date and had a gun book, he might get some friends. So he went into the bookstore and asked where he might find a gun book. The nice assistant recommended to him The Adventures of Captain Gunface, a popular childrens' book from America. From behind him, a bushy brown head spoke.

"My parents are dentists, and they say that Captain Gunface promotes poor dental hygiene. I wouldn't get it if I were you! How about you try Sniper Rifle Dude?"

"Um, I don't think that book's appropriate for—" started the assistant.

"Great idea!" Harry interrupted, eager to make a friend. The sales assistant resignedly shrugged and fetched the book for Harry.

When it came to payment, Hermione looked at Harry's piles of dimes in horror – as did the shop assistant. "Chewing on dimes is bad for your teeth!" remarked Hermione.

Harry blushed. She'd noticed the teeth-marks.

"Here," said Hermione, noticing his blush, "Take this 20-pound note, I'll take your dimes and take them to the bank." Harry acquaintanced. The shop assistant breathed a sigh of relief at not having to count out 20 pounds in dimes. Book acquainted, Harry went to meet back up with Dudley and Uncle Vernon.

To his surprise, they had already left without him. He looked for them around the carpark, but didn't know what to do; but suddenly, he heard a voice: "… packed with muggles, of course…"

It was Hermione, reading aloud from her newly acqauntainced book! "'Can you tell me how to get onto the platform?' asked Harry."

"Excuse me," said Harry, "But I didn't say that. Also, could you give me a lift home? My legal guardian appears to have left without me on purpose again accidentally."

"Sure," said Hermione, opening the passenger door on her convertible.

"Hermione!" said her mother, horrified.

"Just joking," said Hermione. "There's no way I'd let some vagrant homeless boy into my new convertible." She drove off, laughing cruelly.

Hermione's parents both shook their heads, disappointed in their car-stealing daughter, and offered to take Harry home. (Hermione was essentially good hearted, but was going through a rebellious phase. She read books like Sniper Rifle Dude which taught her how to steal cars, among other things, and she couldn't resist the urge to put what she'd learned into practice).

The car trip was silent, until they pulled up in front of the house and Harry said, "I thought you meant my home when you offered to take me home. Not yours!"

"Yes, we'll take you to your home next, sweetie," said Mrs Granger, "but first I want to get Hermione to apologise. She didn't mean what she said, you know. She's been learning the 'lessons of the street' recently."

Right then, one of the ground floor windows on the front of the house slid open, and Hermione yelled out of it, "SORRY," then quickly slammed it shut unwelcomingly.

Harry ran off. He had read, briefly, in his sniper rifle dude book that when insane parents kidnap you, it is best to escape. Almost instinctively, he grabbed a stick from beside the road and flung out his right hand furiously. A giant purple bus appeared in front of him and, having not yet read anything about catching buses that randomly appear in front of you, he got on. "Well come to the Night Bus," Stan Stunpike grinned.

"Take me to 4 private drive, little whining, surey." Harry grunted rudely.