I don't sleep
I don't sleep
Not now, not here
Not anymore
How can you sleep?
More than five minutes
With all their loneliness
And their sadness
Their everything
In me
Around me
Filling me
Beyond what I
Can think
Five minutes, eyes closed
Sleep for a moment
And wake to them
To them
To them
Their thoughts
And their fears
How can I sleep
How can I sleep?
How can I sleep?
Five minutes asleep
Eyes open
Sitting next to the door
Waiting, waiting
Their mission
My mission
I can feel them now
Always, now
They're there
Standing
Waiting
Lonely
Alone
How can I rest
Their thoughts
Are mine
Five minutes, five minutes
That's all I can sleep
I can feel them, see them
See a fire
See a gun
See a goddess
See a circus
They shimmer, glimmer
Glint in distant memory
A church
A dog
A wife
A nothing
So much nothing
I want to scream
I want to sleep.
Please, let me sleep
Five minutes, five minutes
I want to close my eyes
Without seeing
Without knowing
Loneliness
Hurt
Pain
Fear
Fear
What can I do?
At night
They sleep
They dream
And I see their dreams
Behind my open eyes
I can't sleep
Nightmares, nightmares
They all have nightmare
Screams and fires
And death and pain
Loneliness and fear
And dying bodies
The only respite is morning
Sun wakes them
From unrestful slumber
And I steal five minutes
Five minutes of sleep
How can I do this
Walk, live, eat, breathe
Fight
Everyday
We all do
Don't we
Fight, live, die, scream
They're so lonely
I'm so lonely
Five of us sit together
Silent
Still
Staying
But none of us
See each other
Not the way
We need to see
We're not together
We're just here
I'm so tired
They're all so afraid
And they don't even
Know they are.
My eyes won't stay open
Not now, not here
Not when it's so cold
And they're all warm
Inside, I left them…
Walked out
I had to, had to
Had to…
How could I stay
With them
With the loneliness
The fear
The hatred
The ignorance.
They don't know.
They don't know at all
Masks can't hide
From x-ray vision
And my heart
Pierces every metal
Every thought
How can I sleep
Hiding behind all
Those masks?
But it's rarely all of us
And so often it's just me
And someone else
I know who dreams
And who aches
Who fears so badly
And who only wants
I hold their fears
In my heart
And all their nightmares
Are captured in my dreams
I sleep no sleep
Save five minutes, five minutes
Of eyes open
And nightmares
That I never lived
Or ever knew
But will never forget
I wondered why
Some of the loneliness
Had seeped away
Until I saw their hands
Flash together
Just for a moment, touch
And his hair swayed
His eyes never left the ends
But I slept that night
Like I'd never slept before
And I was wrapped up
In their safety
For an hour
Or two
Before the loneliness
The other loneliness
Found me again
And woke me
To nightmares
To screams
To blood and pain
And gore and silence
But no more puppies
No more fires
No churches
And no more guns
I thought the loneliness
Had truly eased
But now the pangs
Are worse, are worse
Everyday
We won, didn't we?
No more fighting
No more blood
No more pain
No more…
But this is mine
My loneliness
How did it come?
When did I miss
That it was me
Beneath their masks
I made my own
A metal shield of them
Denying my own fears
My own needs
Because they were there
And they needed so much
How could I deny?
How could I be anything?
Unless I took their pain
And could still smile.
Sometimes they say
"You've changed"
That I don't smile
Or that I don't laugh
But I still try to
Over my pain, not theirs
How is it worse
When only one person hurts?
I don't have nightmares
About circuses
Or goddess
Or churches
Or puppies.
I dream of
Pain
Fear
Loneliness
Blood
And I dream of
Fireworks
Explosions
Space
Loss
So much loss
How much did we lose?
Just so we could win
How much could we afford
To lose?
And how much
Did we really win?
I snatch sleep
Eyes open
Five minutes here
Ten there
All alone
How do
They do it?
Sleep all
Night long
Sleep
Sleep
I want…
To sleep
I wake to him
Not really wake, no
But blink and suddenly
Suddenly he's there
Standing over me
The same as always
As always…
There's someone in the doorway
And I catch a glimpse of
A goddess and nothingness
Of schools and circuses
I close my eyes against it
How did they find peace?
Where did they look?
When did their pain
Go so far away?
And when did they
Find the time to break their masks?
When did I make a mask
Out of their broken pieces?
He isn't leaving yet
Even though I'm just laying here
Staring up at them
Like I can't even see
That they're still there
How could I miss it?
But I don't want to see
Not right now.
Why did they find each other?
What did they see there
That no one saw in me?
Why am I the one laying here
Laying all alone
Surrounded now
They're both in the room
I've closed my eyes
It's so dark in here
I'm so used to being alone
Why are they still standing there?
I haven't spoken
I haven't moved
I can't move, I can't…
I just want five minutes
I just want to sleep
For five minutes
Please?
And then the bed sags
Beneath their weight
Equal weights
One on either side
And their hands find mine
Beneath the quilt
Long fingers
Musician's fingers
Scholar's callous
And my fingers
My soft fingers
Held in their grasp
What can I do?
What did I do?
To deserve this, all of this
As they lay down
Take up the sides
Two arms thrown across me
Cover my chest, outside the blanket
They hold me to them
And I hear them whisper
"You don't have to hurt"
"You can sleep"
"We'll keep it all at bay"
And my eyes close.
My eyes close.
Five minutes…
Five more minutes…
Maybe this time
I won't mind waking up.