Animal I Have Become, a janet evanovich fanfic

I own neither Ranger nor the song.

Big thanks to Annie for betaing.

WARNING: DARK! VERY DARK! Read at your own risk!

Three Days Grace- Animal I have become You should listen to it on Youtube to get the full effect.

Animal I have become

by Katrin

It's been five years since Steph was killed in a hit and run today.

I'd finally gotten my head out of my ass and we decided to give our relationship a go. It was so hard at first, both of us trying to compromise, but we got our act together.

We got engaged, planned the wedding, just a small intimate affair with only the closest friends. We didn't want our families there. And then I was called in. Just the day before our wedding, but I didn't have a chance, I had to go. This mission was hell on me and I got back after two months with the hope that Steph would help me get back to myself, would help me get the animal caged back in.

The day after I got home I took her out, wanted to make it up to her. She looked stunning, so radiant, glowing that night. She was smiling so big. God, that smile. I'll never get to see that smile again.

I wanted to take her to Rossini's. Pulled to the curb, helped her out of the car. She walked around the car and into the street when it happened. Some guy was driving by and caught her. She flew through the air, so long, so unbelievable long, and by the time she fell the car was nowhere to see. They never caught him, and it's eating me up.

I'll never know who killed my fiancé, who killed the love of my life. But to make matters worse this guy also killed my son. He killed my son. Steph got pregnant shortly before our wedding was planned. I didn't know it. Nobody knew it, until they performed the autopsy. They found she was pregnant. Pregnant with my son.

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

The rage is eating me up, I can't control myself these days. My self-control. Gone. Never to be found again. Nobody around to center me anymore. Steph used to center me, calm me down. Why? Why did it happen to her? Why was she killed? I can't control myself.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I don't trust myself to go after FTAs anymore. I nearly killed one. Killed one with my bare hands. Tank was there to stop me or I'd be in jail now. Serve life when somebody else should serve the time. He killed her. I can't control myself, the rage is taking over my life.

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied
(So many times I've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

I'm the best now. The best at what I do. But why? Why did she have to leave so early? I don't do bounty hunting anymore. Tank won't let me. I'm caged in, but I can't get my rage caged in.

I'm only doing government missions, the fucked up ones, executions, high risk of being busted. It's all I can do. Nobody cares how they die as long as I kill them. I kill them, slowly, painfully. Make them suffer for what Steph had to endure.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

I don't talk to my family anymore. Steph's family never forgave me. Ellen still thinks it's all my fault. It should have been me. I can't go on any longer.

At night I don't sleep. I lie awake, plotting how to kill the next one even more painfully, how to make him suffer even more. Because when I close my eyes all I can see is Steph, all I can see are her eyes. Other times the image of my unborn son haunts me. The pictures follow me wherever I go, wherever I am. I've learned to get by with as little sleep as possible.

I don't trust myself anymore. I haven't had any human contact in years. Ella still cleans and cooks for me, but I arrange it so I never meet her. I don't trust me, I'm afraid I might hurt her.

I'm never on the control floor anymore. My men are afraid of me. I'm not surprised. And it hurts too much to see them. They remind me of Steph. Everything reminds me of Steph. Pregnant women and strollers remind me of my unborn son. It hurts so much. Everything reminds me of them, no matter where I go, everything reminds me of them.

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

I visit their graves every day I'm in Trenton. Spend hours and hours there, talking to Steph, watching our son grow. He's going to school next year. My family.

I'm not welcome anywhere around Trenton. People look down at me. I'm not the proud owner of RangeMan anymore. I signed it over. Tank, Lester and Bobby own it now. They deserved it. But I don't trust myself around them. The rage is controlling me, takes over whenever it can.

Tank had me do a psych eval. I failed. Miserably. Why? Why did she have to die? The government doesn't care. I'm ruthless, they're ruthless. There are no briefings and debriefings anymore. I get a fax telling me what to do and I do it. And every time I go I hope to die. Hope to see them again. My love and my son.

I can't wait to see them again.

I don't know myself anymore. I was never that ruthless. The rage is eating me and I hope to die. My God, we had plans. We wanted to get married. Why? The rage is eating me. I can't do anything about it. Nothing calms me down and I keep going, keep going hoping to find salvation, hoping to die.

I don't fear dying anymore. I want to die. I want to be near Stephanie again so she can calm me, keep me centered. I can't go on without her, but I have to.

She'd be so disappointed if I gave up, so I have to carry on. I have to make her proud. She needs to be proud of me. She needs to tame me. I've become an animal.