Chapter One
Running Away
She ran as fast as she could, as far as she could. She had to get away, deep into the woods and darkness where he would not find her, where they would not find her. She could not let them find her, not the Avatar and his friends; not that idiot snow peasant and his stupid sister. Not Zuko, not mother.
... If I really am your mother...
She closed her eyes holding back her tears. Ugh! And ran into a tree.
She pushed off of it and kept running. The forest was growing thicker with every step. She had to keep moving. If they caught her, they would send her back the institution, or worse.
... I've imagined all this...
... The throne is my destiny...
... The rest of our lives...
How could she forget?
Her vision blurred. She was constantly squinting, wiping; fighting back the tears. It was hard enough sprinting in the darkness, downhill, past trees and limbs and roots she could not see, stumbling, swatting, and leaping, all slowing her down.
... If I really am your mother...
Was it really her?
Past the trees she ran, feeling her way through the dark.
... A new daughter...
... I've imagined all this...
... I didn't love you enough...
"Ah!"
A low lying branch and its leaves whacked her in the face. She tore away from it in anger and kept running. They could be close behind.
... The throne is my destiny...
... No matter what...
... I can help you...
She changed course abruptly and kicked off in the new direction. Maybe it would throw them off. She was quickly growing tired. She wiped her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears.
... The throne is my destiny...
... If I really am your mother...
... I've imagined all this...
The chilling fear of getting lost was growing in her chest with every step farther into this forsaken valley. What of the unknown dangers of this forest that she was running into? What other potentially dangerous spirits might she come across, alone and vulnerable in the dark? She didn't know where she was going. It hardly mattered now. They just couldn't find her.
... If I am your mother...
Her stomach tensed.
... One fact never changes...
Her breath was becoming shaky and shallow.
... The throne is my destiny...
... I've imagined all this...
Her legs were growing heavy, her paced slowed.
... I've imagined all this...
... You need me...
... You're still my sister...
... The throne is my destiny...
Her strength was fading.
Suddenly a dim light filled the forest, its source unknown. She was frightened. Can they see me!? Is this a trick!? She halted; afraid the danger could be coming from all around. She scanned the trees and shadows for any signs of followers, listening for the calls and shouts of her enemies above the noises of her panting and beating heart.
"Do you wish to remember, human?" A powerful voice sounded.
What!? She looked up, around.
"Hold still…"
She flinched, ducked her head and ran. Is it a spirit!? Where!? She weaved around the trees to evade whatever danger might be trying to reach her. The rush of survival drowned out her feelings and made her focus; more trees ahead, a gradual slope downwards, round objects ahead, rocks, maybe. Cover! She headed straight for them and hid behind the first large boulder.
The light faded. Nothing approached her. The forest returned to darkness.
She stood behind the boulder, back pressed firm against it. "I'm so out of shape," she panted, bending over and resting on her knees. What was that voice? Please let it not be in my head. Let it be real, let it be real!
She waited, exhausted, her heart thumping, sweat dripping from her face. She listened, waiting for Zuko and her enemies, for a spirit to attack her, something, but nothing came. She slammed the soft part of her fist against the rock.
That wasn't who was in my visions. It was nothing like her. She was weak and forgetful, and kind...
She remembered "Noriko", scared, yet concerned for her, gently stroking her cheek and looking at her with sad eyes. That was supposed to have been her mother, with a new face, with a new daughter, her mother who was supposed to have been conspiring against her and tormenting her mind! How could it possibly have been her? Her mind was racing. How could she not remember me!? She placed her hands on her temples.
What if it was just a ruse, another lie to throw me off? That means mother's still out there, haunting me somehow, but that spirit... it knew her, it showed her real face, and Zuko protected her! Did she really not remember me? Did I really make it all up?
"… No," She shut her eyes.
You were wrong.
She saw Zuko standing over her, the Fire Lord's crown upon his head.
... I can help you...
... I've imagined all this...
She gritted her teeth and tightened her grip on the rock as the tears began to seep out. She wanted to kick and yell and lash out, but she knew better than to give herself away. It hurt to silence herself. Her body was growing tired from the effort.
... If I really am your mother...
... The throne is my destiny...
... I've imagined all this...
Her blood burned with embarrassment and shame; the way they all looked at her, another miserable defeat. She let out a deep, shuddering sigh, feeling the wetness of several tears stream down her cheeks. She tried lifting a leg to keep going, but it felt like lead.
"I can't run anymore," she said, exhausted. She looked over her shoulder. Maybe I've lost them. She again listened for any followers, holding her breath to silence her panting, and still heard didn't mean they weren't out there. She saw ahead the outlines of the other large boulders in the glow of the moonlight. Maybe she could hide among them. She inched her way forward through the dark, stepping lightly and carefully. She felt the next rock in front of her; it was waist-high, round, and coarse. She felt another, and another. She had come across a field of them.
... If I really am your mother...
She walked silently past the boulders.
... A new daughter...
She put a hand on one.
... I've imagined all this...
... The throne is my destiny...
Its surface was cold.
... Even when you're strong... you're weak...
The ground around it seemed dry.
... I can help you...
... Even when you're strong... you're weak...
She took one last blurred look around, still feeling exposed and vulnerable, few trees or thicket around to hide her.
… You're weak…
She lowered herself to the ground,
... You're weak...
Crossed her legs and leaned back against the boulder,
... I've imagined all this...
Covered her face with her hands,
... You're weak!
And finally let herself cry.
They probably think I'm a nutcase! She sobbed into her hands. Did she really lose her memory!? Oh, like it matters; Zuko would've just beaten me anyway! I stood no chance against him…
With no options left against a frighteningly resolute Zuko, her back against the wall and nowhere to go, faced with the possibility that her mind was less than what she thought it was, and the people around her no doubt thinking the same, how could it possibly have ended well for her?
The letter had been her protection. What luck that the right to rule could still have been hers simply because it did not belong Zuko! She was the one on the ground, though, so she used the one thing that always worked on her gullible brother: logic. Convince Zuko that it was in both their best interests for him to willingly abdicate the throne to her, and it would have been! He was the one, after all, who went on and on and one about his want for family, and her wellbeing and 'dignity'. She would get her old life back and he would get the family he always wanted. It wouldn't have mattered if she was wrong about her mother, or was crazy; she would have been Fire Lord.
But Zuko defied logic that day, declaring that he would not give up the throne and that he never had any intention of it. It was Zuko who, in the end, had fooled her.
It was in that moment, with insanity tapping her on the shoulder, when she was faced with capture by her enemies who probably believed she belonged to be in that institution, never to leave, that the need to escape consumed her.
"For her own good," Zuko would have said, just like the first time when she was carted off to the island. Her body shuddered. She would never accept that fate again, never. Blinded by every fear, every bad memory, nothing else mattered.
So she dropped the incriminating letter in the hope that Zuko he would go for it and, in that moment of delay, give her the few seconds she needed to escape his grasp.
"I can help you!" He called out to her as she ran. "I want to help you!" He probably did want to help her, but she knew what that really meant.
Of course he would think that! Azula mocked her brother in a sing-song voice. 'Poor little sister, so insane and so useless! You really are out of your mind, aren't you? Pitiful, embarrassing thing, you're no longer a threat to me and now I can feel bad for you!' She ground her teeth. "They probably think they're better than me." Hot burning tears fell. "Just like last time."
Then there was her mother.
Oh right! That went completely nowhere! So, what, am I being haunted or not!? Is she working against me or not!?
She had gotten no answers, no explanation, nothing to confirm that she was not crazy, but instead that she was!
Why did she have another family, why did she have no idea who I was? More confusion, more questions, never a chance to have any of them answered, all because of Zuko.
"Zuko," his voice rolled off her tongue like venom. I bet he thinks this is all just fine, her having another family, another husband, another child!? What would all of this mean for the Royal Family? But it isn't right; none of this is! She kicked her dug her heels into the ground. It was agony staying silent, her sobs coming out as pitiful whimpers. She grated her teeth and clenched her fists on the sides of her head. Would her tears ever end? Would they ever find her?
"None of this is right. None of this was supposed to happen."
And so here she was, a princess of the Fire Nation, sitting on the ground in some backwater forest in the middle of the night, alone andmiserable, a failure, cryingher eyes out, with no answers to her life's terrible turn of events, in an even worse position than before.
She sniffled and wiped her eyes.
Would Zuko make her a fugitive? Would he slander her name once more? Should she have kept the letter?
What difference would it have made? Even if Zuko is illegitimate, I already lost one Agni Kai, spent one year in a mental institution, tried to kill my mother to make 'the voices my head' go away… Nobody would have believed me, nobody believed me when I told them I was actually the one who won the Agni Kai, that it was the snow peasant who interfered on Zuko's behalf, that it was a coup and nothing more. Everyone at the institution seemed perfectly fine having Zuko as their Fire Lord… and not me.
All of this felt so familiar; this was just like how it had been when she lost the first time; defeated, angry, humiliated, confused, wondering why. That letter brought her hope that she would never feel this way again, but here she was, experiencing it all over. Something felt different this time, though; these weren't new feelings. It was, as if, in some way, she had become used to this.
"Used to this…"
Zuko was the one who always failed. She was failing now. She felt woozy.
What am I supposed to do? She tried to get a hold of herself. Father is in prison, Zuko is the Fire Lord, and the Avatar is on his side. What do I do, where am I supposed to go?
She asked those same questions before. There were no answers then and there were no answers now. She had expected people to reject Zuko and the Avatar and to turn to her, but as the weeks passed and she found herself becoming integrated into that horrible place, nobody came to express their support, not even a whisper. Nobody helped her then, nobody would help her now.
No, that last part wasn't quite true; her father had tried to help her, a few days ago, when the circumstances had been right, almost out of luck. She had failed that opportunity. She had failed her father, failed her country, herself, again.
Failed…
There probably wouldn't be any more chances either.
She sat there in the dark for a long time, head in her hands, lamenting the past year, the last few days, the future she had lost, while still keeping an ear out for anyone, or anything that might be searching for her. Her body eventually grew too tired for crying. She began to feel more aware of the oppressive darkness and silence around her. What was she going to do now, just sit here until dawn, feeling sorry and hoping she wouldn't be found? There wasn't anything else she could do tonight. Would she be spending the night in the forest? What if they found her while she slept?
Suddenly the next few hours became critical.
Okay, pull yourself together, Azula, you have to think now. She took a deep breath and wiped away the lingering wetness from her eyes. Things are worse for you than even before and they're going to get worse if you don't figure things out now. She sat up, brushed away the hair that had fallen in front of her face and opened her eyes.
The tree tops were bright in the moonlight—a clear night. The boulders were black objects around her, like dark voids. She hid well among them. Feeling the ground with her hands confirmed it was dry dirt, instead some gross forest junk she would never put her head on. If she was going to be spending the night in the forest, then it was going to be here. It clearly wasn't safe to bear out here in the woods—she listened carefully for the sound of wolves, or tigers—but she had no choice; she would rather face whatever creatures or spirits existed here than have Zuko and the Avatar find her.
And what if they did find her?
She grew nervous. Hopefully they wouldn't, but if they did, she would fight them to the death; that would be the respectable way to go, not like her father, trap in a cell stripped of his bending. How was that even possible? The Avatar is clearly stronger than anyone believed. She would never let that happen to her.
So she would make it to the next day… then what?
It was all a blur. She had no idea what the future held and now wasn't going to be the time she'd figure that out, tired, miserable, and distracted. If I have a future. She just had to make it through the night.
Spent from running, drained from stress, her body was heavy with exhaustion. She sighed and leaned back against the rock, finding hardly any comfort against its hardness. Her gaze drifted upwards to the moonlight in the canopy.
"What am I supposed to do?" As if there was something in the universe that would listen.
Nothing was how it was supposed to be. She wasn't even sure if she could trust her own judgment anymore. What if-.
She stopped herself. Tomorrow... I'll figure it out tomorrow.
She stayed awake long enough to watch the moonlight progress through the tree tops, waiting for them to find her.