It was done. After a string of impossible missions, all of them successful, after forging alliances no one had thought possible, after bringing together the most unlikely of crews and creating a team the likes of which had never been seen before, it was done. The Crucible had been finished, the biggest fleet ever had been amassed around Earth, against seemingly impossible odds Shepard had made it to the Crucible and now the Reaper threat had been averted in the most unexpected of ways.

Kaidan stood on the bridge, right behind Joker, and watched the scenery change from that of a lush, previously uncharted jungle planet to the cold, harsh darkness of space. It had taken all of his already impressive will power to hold the sorrow at bay, to keep functioning, to keep a smile on his face every time one of his crew mates had asked him how he was holding up. Sure, he'd so much as admitted that he was sad, that he grieved the loss of the man he'd come to know and love, but other than his words nothing else gave his true feelings away.

Because he knew. He knew that if he were to give in to those depressing thoughts, to that overwhelming grief, he'd be lost. He'd fall into a bottomless pit of despair and he was certain that he'd never find his way out of it. Not on his own, not even with the help of the people he'd come to see as his friends, no, his family. He just knew that he'd lose his mind forever.

"Laying in a course for the closest relay."

Joker sounded anything but convinced that they'd find a working relay, not after the devastating shockwave that had somehow stopped the Reapers. The mysterious energy had had a signature EDI hadn't been able to identify. However, after the Normandy's crash had effectively stranded them on the planet they were now leaving behind, she'd discovered that their communications array had been damaged beyond their capability to repair. EDI voiced what the three of them were thinking.

"If there still is one."

"It doesn't matter."

Kaidan placed his left hand on the back of Joker's seat. His voice sounded hollow to him, empty, as if some essential component had been stripped from it. That thought came close to the truth. Without Shepard, well, he felt hollow. As if a part of him had been lost. Both of them had known their last conversation would be their final goodbye. He'd seen it in Shepard's eyes. The raw, sinking feeling in his gut when the door of the Normandy's shuttle bay had closed had proved to be right. Again Shepard had sacrificed himself to save those he'd cared about, those he'd loved, those he'd protected.

"It doesn't matter, because we have to try. We owe it to Shepard. To ourselves. We have to see it. I have to see it. I have to know that it worked. That, that his sacrifice wasn't in vain."

EDI turned her head. The look she shared with Joker told Kaidan that he hadn't fooled anyone, not for a second. They all knew he was hurting, but they'd given him space. What else could they have done? What could anyone say to someone who'd just lost the one person who'd been more than a friend to him, who he'd only just confessed his love to?

"Damn it, Shepard," he whispered.

The fabric of the seat gave way beneath the biotically enhanced force of his tightening grip.

Before Joker or EDI could say anything Kaidan turned around and left the bridge. When the doors opened he almost bumped into Samara.

"Major Alenko. I was just-"

"Not interested."

There was an edge to Kaidan's voice that made the asari shut her mouth and let him pass. Kaidan rushed past her, oblivious to the sympathetic looks he got, and almost broke the elevator panel when he pressed his hand down on it. Don't, was all he could think. Don't. Please. Don't. He could feel their eyes on his back, could almost hear the soft sounds of Traynor's mouth opening, closing, opening again, closing again, as she tried to think of something to say. He could almost sense her hand coming closer, any moment now her fingers would touch his shoulder and then he'd break, he'd break and he'd shatter and he'd never be able to-
The elevator door slid open. Kaidan stumbled forward, found the panel without looking and his finger instinctively touched the button for the top floor. Behind him the door slid shut. He sank to his knees, his hand still on the panel, and his other hand on the floor. He had to keep it together. He had to stay in control. He owed it to Shepard.

The elevator stopped. The empty space that lay between him and his destination felt lonelier than ever before. He got to his feet and dragged himself towards the door to Shepard's cabin. The Captain's cabin. His cabin now. He dreaded going inside, while at the same time he longed to be in that room. The room that held precious memories, hurtful memories. The sheets that still held Shepard's scent, that undefinable human smell that was unique to the man who'd saved more lives than most people would ever know.

Silence descended the moment the door closed. He'd never appreciated how isolated this part of the ship was. How much of a sanctuary. A place where a commander could retreat, could leave the heavy responsibilities behind, even if it was only for a few short moments. Kaidan enjoyed the silence. It made it easier for him to control his thoughts, his emotions, to be able to think about Shepard, about James – God, had he ever even called him by his first name? – without facing the fear of falling apart. Here, he could focus.

It still felt strange, being here, alone, without his commander. It almost felt like some kind of blasphemy. It also felt like home. Ever since the craziness had started Kaidan had felt a weird kind of dissociation, as if he'd changed so much that he could never again fit into the mould that had once shaped him. The craziness.

"I wonder if you'd have called it craziness as well?"

His voice emphasized his loneliness. He knew he'd never again get an answer, at least not from Shepard, but he couldn't refrain from voicing his thoughts.

"I wouldn't have exactly called it craziness."

With his eyes closed he could picture him saying it. He could almost hear that voice, that amazing voice, a voice that could be soft, hard, angry, happy, everything in-between, a voice that could inspire or could flay you alive. And he could almost see that face, with the grey-blue eyes, the short, dark hair, with that wonderful, expressive mouth.

"Really? Then what would you have called it?"

It wasn't real, of course it wasn't, but it felt good, if only for a short time, to imagine it was. He sat down on the couch, to the left of the spot where Shepard used to sit. Kaidan closed his eyes once more and there he was, with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Destiny."

"Destiny? Such a strong word. A heavy word. Did you think it was? Did you think it was your fate? What you were meant to do?"

"Not as such. Looking back I see that moment, the moment I was called upon, as a defining one. Perhaps at that time I didn't think of it as destiny, but now? I don't know. No one else could've done it, Kaidan. As Mordin was fond of saying: It had to be me. Someone else might've gotten it wrong."

"Is that how you see it? That you were somehow chosen to be Commander Shepard? To be the savior of the galaxy? That doesn't sound like you."

"No, it's not like that at all. You misunderstand me. I meant to say that I… I saw an old movie once, when I was a kid. It was about someone who was supposedly destined to save mankind, but that guy? He didn't truly believe he was. And he wasn't special. Sure, he could do things that few others could, but there were others. And they could've done the same things he'd go on to do. The only difference was that the hero wasn't the one who fit the description; the description fitted him. Through his actions, through his decisions and the decisions of those around him, he became the one the prophesy spoke about. If circumstances had been different someone else would've become the hero. But what happened to him, it changed him, made him able to break the mold he came from. He reforged himself, because others believed in him. And I think that's what happened to me. I wasn't destined to save humanity or even the galaxy. I wasn't created by some mystical force to defeat the Reapers. But in the end I became the one who did all that. Because you, all of you, kept your faith in me. That's what I meant to say."

Kaidan opened his eyes. He looked at the empty space next to him. Was that really how Shepard would've seen it? It made sense, in a convoluted sort of way. To not be chosen, yet become the chosen one. Or rather the best one for the job. It was true; without his loyal crew, without his friends, Shepard would probably have never even made it past Saren.

"Still sounds weird," he said at last.

"That's because it is. I never said it made perfect sense. It just makes sense to me. And that's what matters, isn't it?"

"I guess. Shepard?"

"Yes?"

"Do people ever call you by your first name?"

For a moment it seemed as if the imaginary Shepard wouldn't, or couldn't, answer the question. It lingered in the air for a little while, until the ghostly voice continued.

"Maybe they did when I was young. I can't remember. My mother still calls me James, though. Not Jim, never Jimmy, but James. Or sweetheart. But I think a lot of mothers say that to their children. I've been Shepard for as long as I can remember. People seem to think it suits me."

"It does. Because you are. A shepherd, I mean. You guide and protect people. Help them grow. Reach their full potential. Make them see the good things, in themselves and in others. It's what you did for me."

"I did?"

"Hell yes! I was as confused as the day I was taken to that facility. I was broken, no matter how hard I tried to hide or deny it. I'd joined the Alliance because they gave me stability, gave me focus. It was all so predictable. Until you came along."

Shepard chuckled.

"And the craziness started."

"Yeah, you could say that. And then the craziness started. Shepard, you looked after me. You looked after all of us. You made me realize I was more than my biotic abilities. I was a person and I was worth something. Am worth something. And I doubted you! I attacked you, back on Horizon, I accused you of being a collaborator, of being a traitor, while I should've known-"

"Kaidan-"

"No. No! Don't. Don't say that it wasn't my fault. It was my fault, Commander. I should've known better. I should've realized that the man who'd treated me with nothing but respect and kindness wouldn't betray his own people. It was a slap in your face and you should've given me one the moment we saw each other again. But you didn't. You didn't hate me for it, didn't even resent me for it. You were happy to see me again, you were genuinely happy to hear that I'd been promoted. That made me feel so disgusted with myself that I nearly broke down right in front of you."

It wasn't real, but he felt it. He felt Shepard's hand on his own. The look in his lover's eyes was nothing but kind, nothing but understanding. It almost made him cry, but he managed to swallow it down. After all, this wasn't real. Was it?

"Kaidan, please. Don't be like this. We talked about this, remember? I said we were good and I meant it. I understand why you said what you said, did what you did. I was disappointed, yes, because I wanted you at my side when I would fight my way through Geth and Collectors and Blue Suns. But I understood. Besides," Shepard trailed his hand along Kaidan's arm, all the way up to his face, "in the end you came back to me. I found you and you found me. For a short time we were together. And that's all that matters."

"No."

The puzzled look on the imaginary Shepard's face faded along with his entire body when Kaidan opened his eyes.

"No," Kaidan said with a determined look on his face, "it's not."