METAPHOR FOR A MISSING MOMENT
Disclaimer: JtHM & Company belong to Johnen. "Orestes" belongs to A Perfect Circle. I warped the lyrics slightly to suit my purposes. Deal.
Notes: This fic has NO PLOT. View it more as an essay, if you will. An analysis of Nny and Devi's relationship.
*pull me in to your perfect circle*
It began in chaos, and so to chaos it had returned. Nny's life was a cycle, spinning round and round aimlessly. Always the same, always coming back to the same thing. And by the time Nny came back around, he'd forgotten that he'd already been there. Always moving forward blindly, like the beetle. When tied to a nail, the beetle walks, always in the same direction, curving, never considering another route. It keeps going, until it has wound itself against the nail, trapped by its own oblivion. It dies there, without nourishment. And so Nny was slowly dying. But then, someone came into his life. She was dragged in like one to a whirlpool But how she came didn't matter. What mattered was that she seemed to shatter the circle.
*one shape, one wound, one resolve*
Nny was nothing more than a shadow, as he moved through the streets. He maintained a facade of indifference, usually. But beyond the calm features was pain. Ironic, considering his vows to be emotionless. And yet his life was an embodiment of torment. He felt pain, felt anger, felt despair. And yet he would not allow himself joy, happiness, or caring. Yes, Nny was a walking, breathing, living wound. It gaped open, and though it was often numb, sometimes, when the moment was right, you could touch the wound and create shocks through the system, sending him screaming. Yes, Nny was vulnerable.
*liberate this Will to release us all*
And yet, however haunted by demons he was, Nny was still powerful. He held numerous lives in his hands. He could destroy and create on a whim. His actions controlled the lives and deaths of many. So extreme was his power, that reality bent itself around him, folding and deleting itself to serve his ends. In fact, reality, and existence itself, depended on his survival. And with all this power, Nny forced himself into submission. He acted as a slave to his own mind. He did what it told him to do, did what his mind said he should. He was governed by his desire to be emotionless, and yet failed before he had begun, simply because he desired it. If only he could let his soul surface and breathe. Then, he'd be free.
*gotta* As it was, he had one tie to himself. *cut away* He himself was bound to the Earth. *clear away* And he once saw the stars, through her, through Devi. And yet... *snip away and* He saw her as the one holding him fast to the Earth. *sever this* He felt he needed to break away from her, from the memory of her. *miracle residue* He felt the effects of her in his soul like a sickness, like a stain. The one impossible thing happened. Nny cared.
*keeping me from killing you* He felt weak because he could not remove Devi from his life. He sometimes wished he had killed her that first night, had succeeded.
*and from pulling you down with me, here*
That night when Devi had been plunged into Nny's world, when her body was dragged underwater, into the depths of insanity and warped perception.
*I can almost hear you scream*
Regret. Remorse. Nny felt these things, wishing he had never met Devi, had never exposed her to anything that she didn't want to see.
*"Give me one more medicated peaceful moment"*
He could see her now. Holed up in her apartment, two cans of mace in her bag. Taking pills for her anxiety. Jumping when she hears the phone ring. But it's only her boss, wondering why she hadn't been at the bookstore the past couple of days. She says she's quitting. She doesn't want him to find her at work. She hangs up.
*and I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility*
Nny is sad that Devi won't let him apologize. There's no resolve to his turmoil, no end to his pain, only fear and hate and contempt and disgust and rejection.
*gotta cut away, clear away, snip away and sever this emotional residue*
And yet, just as Nny is tied down by his feelings for Devi, so Devi is paralyzed by her mind, conjuring images of Nny, a dark and terrible figure. And her mind just won't let the image die, won't give her peace.
*keeping me from killing you*
That inner projection of Nny haunts her, and yet she wonders what would have happened, had he never pulled the knife on her. Would she have been happy?
*keeping me from killing you*
And Nny is haunted by the concept of Devi, of someone who could share his time, and it hurts. Yet he wonders of the moment when he felt happy, when they both felt happy. What would have happened, had he let himself be happy?
*give me one more medicated peaceful moment*
And so, it was a metaphor for the missing moment. When they could have been happy together.
Yay! My second ever fanfiction. This one also just sort of wrote itself. This is dedicated to Ethan, who got me into JtHM. Also, to all the great fanfiction writers on ff.net, who inspired me. And to A Perfect Circle, for having amazing lyrics. ~OWARI~
Disclaimer: JtHM & Company belong to Johnen. "Orestes" belongs to A Perfect Circle. I warped the lyrics slightly to suit my purposes. Deal.
Notes: This fic has NO PLOT. View it more as an essay, if you will. An analysis of Nny and Devi's relationship.
*pull me in to your perfect circle*
It began in chaos, and so to chaos it had returned. Nny's life was a cycle, spinning round and round aimlessly. Always the same, always coming back to the same thing. And by the time Nny came back around, he'd forgotten that he'd already been there. Always moving forward blindly, like the beetle. When tied to a nail, the beetle walks, always in the same direction, curving, never considering another route. It keeps going, until it has wound itself against the nail, trapped by its own oblivion. It dies there, without nourishment. And so Nny was slowly dying. But then, someone came into his life. She was dragged in like one to a whirlpool But how she came didn't matter. What mattered was that she seemed to shatter the circle.
*one shape, one wound, one resolve*
Nny was nothing more than a shadow, as he moved through the streets. He maintained a facade of indifference, usually. But beyond the calm features was pain. Ironic, considering his vows to be emotionless. And yet his life was an embodiment of torment. He felt pain, felt anger, felt despair. And yet he would not allow himself joy, happiness, or caring. Yes, Nny was a walking, breathing, living wound. It gaped open, and though it was often numb, sometimes, when the moment was right, you could touch the wound and create shocks through the system, sending him screaming. Yes, Nny was vulnerable.
*liberate this Will to release us all*
And yet, however haunted by demons he was, Nny was still powerful. He held numerous lives in his hands. He could destroy and create on a whim. His actions controlled the lives and deaths of many. So extreme was his power, that reality bent itself around him, folding and deleting itself to serve his ends. In fact, reality, and existence itself, depended on his survival. And with all this power, Nny forced himself into submission. He acted as a slave to his own mind. He did what it told him to do, did what his mind said he should. He was governed by his desire to be emotionless, and yet failed before he had begun, simply because he desired it. If only he could let his soul surface and breathe. Then, he'd be free.
*gotta* As it was, he had one tie to himself. *cut away* He himself was bound to the Earth. *clear away* And he once saw the stars, through her, through Devi. And yet... *snip away and* He saw her as the one holding him fast to the Earth. *sever this* He felt he needed to break away from her, from the memory of her. *miracle residue* He felt the effects of her in his soul like a sickness, like a stain. The one impossible thing happened. Nny cared.
*keeping me from killing you* He felt weak because he could not remove Devi from his life. He sometimes wished he had killed her that first night, had succeeded.
*and from pulling you down with me, here*
That night when Devi had been plunged into Nny's world, when her body was dragged underwater, into the depths of insanity and warped perception.
*I can almost hear you scream*
Regret. Remorse. Nny felt these things, wishing he had never met Devi, had never exposed her to anything that she didn't want to see.
*"Give me one more medicated peaceful moment"*
He could see her now. Holed up in her apartment, two cans of mace in her bag. Taking pills for her anxiety. Jumping when she hears the phone ring. But it's only her boss, wondering why she hadn't been at the bookstore the past couple of days. She says she's quitting. She doesn't want him to find her at work. She hangs up.
*and I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility*
Nny is sad that Devi won't let him apologize. There's no resolve to his turmoil, no end to his pain, only fear and hate and contempt and disgust and rejection.
*gotta cut away, clear away, snip away and sever this emotional residue*
And yet, just as Nny is tied down by his feelings for Devi, so Devi is paralyzed by her mind, conjuring images of Nny, a dark and terrible figure. And her mind just won't let the image die, won't give her peace.
*keeping me from killing you*
That inner projection of Nny haunts her, and yet she wonders what would have happened, had he never pulled the knife on her. Would she have been happy?
*keeping me from killing you*
And Nny is haunted by the concept of Devi, of someone who could share his time, and it hurts. Yet he wonders of the moment when he felt happy, when they both felt happy. What would have happened, had he let himself be happy?
*give me one more medicated peaceful moment*
And so, it was a metaphor for the missing moment. When they could have been happy together.
Yay! My second ever fanfiction. This one also just sort of wrote itself. This is dedicated to Ethan, who got me into JtHM. Also, to all the great fanfiction writers on ff.net, who inspired me. And to A Perfect Circle, for having amazing lyrics. ~OWARI~