Written for Ancient Runes (Write about someone asking for and receiving forgiveness – Prompt Pairing: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black), Gringotts Prompt Bank (Words to use instead of said: Babbled, Barked, Demanded, Whispered), The Restriction Challenge (No multiple settings in one fic)
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It wasn't what Sirius had done that made Remus so furious. What bothered him was the fact that Sirius didn't seem to understand that he had been in the wrong. He saw it as a harmless joke. A joke that only needed an apology to fix. Remus had accepted that apology with a forced smile. He had tried to move on from the incident. Forgive and forget as his father had always said. But the closer the full moon got, the less forgiving Remus felt on the matter.
He sat just outside the castle wall, leaning against the cold stone and watching a group of younger school children play in the snow. When he breathed out, he could see his breath forming a small cloud in the crisp air. A shiver ran down his spine as the snow under his shifted. Drawing his cloak tighter over his chest, he for a moment missed the warmth that came from fur.
"There you are." Remus looked up at the voice and couldn't help but to frown. It had been a little over two weeks, and still the sight of his friend caused Remus to grow frustrated. Not that he was showing it outwardly. He pushed the frown down, and tried to smile. The smile didn't come.
"What are you doing out here?" Sirius seemed unconcerned with the momentary glint of frustration on his friend's face. "It's cold. There's chocolate back at the dorms. The elves made a fresh batch due to the snow."
"I'm alright," Remus looked away, watching as an owl soared through the air. "I actually like the cold."
"I remember." There was something in Sirius' eye. It only flashed for a second before he took a seat next to his friend. They were close enough that if Remus shifted his fingers, he could grab the other's hand. The inches between them seemed so far away though. It was the closest the couple had been since the incident. They hadn't been consciously creating the distance, but it wasn't until they were close that Remus realized how far apart they had become.
"I don't know what you like about it though," Sirius continued, not taking note of the way Remus' fingers were twitching. "I feel like I'll freeze my balls off I sit out here much longer."
"Then go in," Remus offered. "You don't have to sit out here if you don't want to. No one asked you to."
As oblivious as Sirius often was to other's feelings, he picked up quickly the underlining hostility in Remus' words. He flinched, unsure what had caused the shift.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," Remus barked in return. He drew his cloak even closer to him, using it as an excuse to keep his hands busy. "Just fine."
"I know your lying? What's up? Did I do something? Cause if I did, than I'm sorry."
"Just stop." Remus turned his gaze onto Sirius. He could see the confused remorse in his friend's eyes, but Remus wasn't having it. He was tired of apologies. Tired of accepting the wrongs committed towards him and moving on. Forgive and forget had been shoved onto him since he was a child, but he could only forgive so much. And the betrayal of his best friend, his the man he had fallen in love with, was not something that Remus could easily forgive with a few words.
"Is this about the Snape thing? Because I said I was sorry. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand."
Remus chuckled darkly at that. He and Sirius had been on a relatively flat road since the incident. There hadn't been too many bumps and bruises. But now they were hitting the roughness. Now Remus was done pretending that everything was okay.
"You never expect things to get out of hand," Remus countered. "You never expect things to go the way they do. You never think past the idea of your harmless pranks. You never think, that's the problem. But you never mean for things to get out of hand so its fine, isn't it? Because you never intended for someone to get hurt."
"What do you want from me?" Sirius demanded. "I have apologized again and again and again. Do you want me to beg?"
Sirius shifted, now on his knees in front of Remus. There was a tight frown to his lips, and his eyes were narrowed in anger. But there was really hurt in his eyes. Real remorse and hurt and the sight of it only made Remus angrier.
"Cause I'll beg," Sirius said. "Is that what you want? I am on my knees, begging. Please."
Remus didn't bother responding. He rose to his feet, knocking Sirius to the side as he stepped around him. "I'm not in the mood Sirius. You don't understand so just stop apologizing."
"You're mad at me, I get it. I deserve it. And I'm trying to apologize. Please. I hate having you angry at me. I can't stand it. You've barely spoken to me in weeks. You refuse to look me in the eye. I know I messed up. I get it, I'm a dick. I shouldn't have used you like that to prank Snape. Even if he deserved to be put in his place. He shouldn't have been putting his nose in things that aren't his business. If he just kept that slimy nose of his out of other people's business, he wouldn't have been there in the first place." Sirius babbled.
Remus spun around. He was thrown off to see Sirius still kneeling in the snow. His pants were beginning to get soggy, but he didn't seem to notice.
"Just stop," Remus yelled. "This isn't about Snape. It isn't his fault what happened. If you hadn't provoked him, if you hadn't meddled with things, none of this would have happened. But you don't' see that. I'm angry at you. I'm pissed at you. And you clearly don't even seem to understand why."
"I messed up," Sirius countered, a fury coming to his voice. "I know that."
"No you don't." Remus stepped closer to Sirius. There was an anger in him, an anger he had been pushing down for far too long. Reaching out, he shoved Sirius backwards. The older boy allowed himself to be pushed into the snow without a word. That caused Remus to falter for a moment. Sirius bowed to no one. He didn't allow anyone to push him around. The fact that he didn't fight back was uncharacteristic of him. Remus didn't let that stop him though. He was too angry. And rightfully so.
"Do you understand what could have happened?" Remus was trying to control his breathing in few that he just might strike his friend. "What I am, it isn't a game. It isn't something that you can just use to your own advances. It is serious. It's dangerous."
"I know that."
"No you don't! Do you know what could have happened if Snape had told someone? I wouldn't be allowed to attend here anymore. No parent would want their child to go to school with some monster. And the trouble Dumbledore would have been in. He's covered up for me, protected me. If people found out he allowed such a monster into the school, he could lose his job."
The snow picked up around them. It was falling heavy now, sticking to what it landed on and building. Their breath was lost in the falling snow.
"You don't understand how lucky I am that Snape isn't telling anyone about what happened. If he wanted to, he could get me out of this school because of you. He could have Dumbledore fired. Because of you. That fact that he hasn't said anything, despite how much he hates us, despite how much danger you put him in, shows that he really is a better person than you."
That line caused Sirius to flinch from his place in the snow. He didn't speak up though, knowing that Remus was at a point to where he needed to vent or less he break.
"And if James hadn't saved Snape, we could both be dead. Or worse. I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I could have killed him. I could have torn him to shreds. Or worse, I could have bit him. I could have turned him and then he would be cursed too. Either way, it was a death sentence to me. Dogs that bite, are put down. The Ministry can't have a rabid dog running amok."
"You're not a dog," Sirius spoke up. He rose to his feet, keeping enough distance to protect himself should Remus swing on him. "You're not a monster, Remus."
"But I am!" Remus was screaming now. He was thankful that the snow had driven the rest of the students inside. He was too angry to quite himself. "And you don't seem to realize this! Everything is just a game to you. You don't understand how much trouble you caused. You don't understand how close you were to ruining not just my life, but Snape's as well."
"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered. His shoulders had slumped and he looked down at his snow covered boots. There was a tightness in his throat. "I am so sorry, Remus. I didn't, I didn't think. I didn't think and you… I am so sorry."
Remus felt the fire inside him begin to smolder. The snow falling onto his shoulders were cooling his rage.
Sirius looked up. There was a wetness on his face that didn't belong to the snow. "You're right, I messed up. I messed up so bad. I was only thinking about myself, and I didn't consider what might happened. I've always done that. I've probably hurt you more times than I know and I am so sorry. For every time I have hurt you and not realized. And for this. You shouldn't forgive me. I don't deserve it. But I'm asking you too anyways. Because I miss you, Remus. I care about you. I love you. And… I'm a shite. I know that. But I'll try. If you just give me a second chance."
Remus couldn't help but smile. It was what he had been waiting on; an actual apology and admission of fault. "It's more like a fourth or fifth chance."
Sirius' face broke. He clearly didn't see the smile on Remus' face or the endearing quality in his voice. He looked down, balling his hands into fists in acceptance.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I guess I messed up one too many times. I get it."
Remus reached forward, taking Sirius' chin between his fingers. Rising the other man's face, he took a moment to smirk at the fact that he was taller than the Black heir.
"Apology accepted," Remus smiled. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to Sirius, something he had been missing for weeks.
It took only a moment before Sirius reacted. The tension between them had led to a lack of affection and physical contact that had been driving Sirius crazy. With the invitation given, Sirius turned, with Remus still in his arms. He pressed the lean boy up against the cold stone wall. Their lips battled with one another as their hands roamed freely in territory that they hadn't forgotten.
"I have missed this," Remus muttered as Sirius kissed at his neck. "I have missed you."
Sirius smiled into Remus' neck. He drew the other boy's legs around his waist and held him up against the wall.
"I promise you," Sirius muttered between kisses. "I'll do better. I swear."
The snow continued to fall as the two boys melted together against the castle wall. The rage that had been filling Remus since the incident was slowly fading. He hadn't completely forgiven Sirius, but he was on his way to it.