Okay. I was on medication when I wrote this AND I could not sleep. This is a parody.

And just so you know: I LOVE renzoo!!! With whoever is on top, bottom, middle... I don´t care XD

Enjoy!

Chapter 1

„Come on now pal…. EVERYONE knows that in yaoi fiction the girly guy gets laid by the cool guy, yo…" Frustrated, Reno moved a hand through his fiery red hair, trying to make his point. All it did earn him was an arched eyebrow from his silver haired, 'girly' counterpart.

Now this was just…fucked up.

If he had known that it would lead to THIS, Reno wouldn´t even have contemplated to try and hitting on the guy.

Admittedly, the silver haired chick was hot.

Very much so.

But it just would have been too good to be true now, wouldn´t it?

And it had been so promising in the beginning…

Reno had sought some entertainment and relaxation from a tiring day at work (which will not be more specifically detailed because it has nothing to do with the 'plot') and checked out the newest club in the city (just some… random city, okay?).

He had had a great time on the dance floor, even more so when he had met the cold beauty, introducing himself as 'Yazoo', and they had danced, their slender, versatile bodies moving against each other to the ecstatic rhythm of the booming music (*insert favorite bitch music here*). So one thing had let to the other.

Before long they had found themselves involved in more mature actions (because the author says so and it's the whole reason why this fic exists) and with silent agreement had decided to relocate their exploring of the others body to more private quarters, entering the rundown hotel next door.

Heated, desperate kisses had been exchanged and clothing had uncaringly been thrown to the floor.

Reno had let go of his partner´s moist, warm cavern and its enticing, sweet tongue, licking over the pale, pouty lips instead, pressing himself against the man´s slender body. Trailing his lips down the skin of his porcelain neck and sucking at a soft earlobe he had elicited the most exciting of moans, and eager hands had tugged at Reno´s shirt, ripping it open rather violently.

While cool fingers ran down his smooth chest, finding a hard nipple and teasing it with experted, small pinches that made the red haired man arche and gasp, his own hands had wandered over a flat stomache, down over a hipbone and eventually found the waistband, roughly pulling down annoying pants and feeling a huge, hot erection against his stroking fingertips.

By now, Reno had already been freed from his own, too tight trousers, his aching penis springing free as he stepped away from the puddle of clothing around his feet and pressing himself even deeper against the shuddering, needy body of his partner, who had hissed so deliciously in the redheads ear upon the contact of hard flesh against his own throbbing cock.

Reno had pushed them against the next available wall, his head swimming with ecstasy, his slick tongue once again exploring Yazoo´s mouth as their tongues interwined and their hips rocked against each other in a laszive rhythm which quickly became more frantic as the moans increased.

Needily, Reno had eventually guided his moist lips towards a delicate, pearly earlobe, feeling that he could no longer be bothered with foreplay, and huskily groaned into the stranger´s ear "Turn around so I can fuck you."

And this had been the point, where everything had started to go horribly wrong.

Because instead of happily giving in to his command like a good little uke and letting himself get screwed, the bitch really had the nerve to chuckle, breath an amused little "Funny" into Reno´s own ear and then in an all business-like voice deadpan "Get on the bed and spread your legs."

Smirking, Reno had licked over the sensitive earlobe, whispering "Ah, who´s the funny guy now, yo? You sure have some kinky sense of humour baby…".

It never EVER would have occured to the redhead that there was even the POSSIBILITY that his partner could question the distribution of roles Reno had decided for them the moment he had laid eyes on Yazoo.

Suffice it to say, he had been rather appalled when said man had curtly informed him that he was by NO MEANS joking.

The redhead had let go of the others body as if he´d been burnt and the argument had started, Reno trying to talk some sense into the guy and make him surrender (because he was really horny now, damn it!) and Yazoo stubbornly refusing to submit, crossing his arms over his white chest and throwing a cold look at his potential mating partner, explaining calmly that there was NO WAY he would let Reno near his ass.

Under normal circumstances, they should have just agreed that they were both searching for something the other couldn´t give and parted ways here to go for someone else.

But logic does not apply to this fic (and besides, they were really horny).

"May I remind you that it was I who kicked your ass in the movie," Yazoo eventually deigned to answer sardonically, seriously questioning the 'fact' that he was the 'girly' part here.

"Oooooooooh, that´s SO not true, yo!" Reno instantly flared up, throwing an indignant look back and adding with a snort "Besides that´s totally off-topic, because this fic is AU and has nothing to do with the film AT ALL!"

"Hn. Why don´t you just act 'OOC' then," – and this was said with a clearly sarcastic undertone- ",stop whining and get your ass over here?"

"Beeecaaaause," Reno intoned, sounding very important, but then stopped frowning, struggling for some plausible arguments and eventually just folded his arms, lifting his chin and saying condescendingly "Why don´t you, yo?"

"Beeeecaaaause," Yazoo drawle and then stated matter-of-factly."I already have to be uke in approximately 98% of all ff´s out there."

Briefly, a look of sympathy flickered over Reno´s fair face, as he winced and said "Oh man, that´s tough," earning himself an agreeing nod. But then the redhead remembered that his ass´virginity was at stake here and that he could not afford to be empathetic. Therefore his face went neutral again, and he argued "So if you´re used to it anyway it´s no big deal for you then, yo."

Grinning, Reno congratulated himself for ending the annoying matter, because he just had carried off an overwhelming victory. But then he did not count on Yazoo´s unfazed ignorance, because he just simply said,

"I refuse."

Smirk faltering, the redhead groaned, throwing his hands in the air and glancing at his still standing cock in misery "Oh come on man, yo! Let´s just get this over with!"

It was then that the air flimmered and out of nowhere Vincent appeared (because he always just mysteriously pops up when the story is at a loss for plausible plotlines) and suggested emotionlessly "Why don´t you just pleasure each other orally then? No one has to get anything in his rectum and you have taken care of your little problems down there." He shot a meaningful, albeit utterly languid look at both men´s genitals.

They looked at the cloaked man blankly for a moment, then shrugged in unison and strolled over to the bed.

Creeping deeper into his collar, the man who looked like the impersonation of every possible vampire cliché without actually BEING a blood sucker (because Square Enix said so…), decided that he had done his job here and just disappeared into the thin air he´d come from, not feeling much like witnessing the actions on the bed (and eager to get out of the dangerzone, before the author could decide to unneccessarily complicate the story by including him in the sexual actions and screw up his carefully sorted out solution again…).

So, after Yazoo and Reno had come to an understanding that they would place themselves on the side -so no one had to be on top (and the other consequently had to take the place as bottom…)- and the sexual tension was restored again, they had mind-blowing blow-sex.

And they all lived happily ever after.

End.

(For the real end, more smut and why Yazoo got mysteriously pregnant see chapter 2).

I apologize for every spelling mistake. This is not betad and probably will never be. I´m not sure if this is even funny... But it was fun to write :)

Anyway: This is for Xyleel (in case she ever reads it...), because she mentioned that she liked Renzoo and then I just got this idea because I wanted to write Renzoo and could for the hell of it not decide who would be uke/seme. Thank you for being such a faithful reviewer!

As ever, constructive criticism is much appreciated (...insofar as it is possible here...)!