A/N: Hi Everyone! I'm so glad you decided to give my story a chance :) for those of you're reading Before I Die, then you know what this is ;) this is the longer multi-chapter fic that I am publishing! *Yay!* Anywho, this is T for some torture and mainly because I don't think that a nine year old could read some of this and still be mentally stable afterwards ;) I am thinking about a sequel to either this or my other story "Some Wounds Never Fully Heal" with Merlin as court sorcerer and maybe as physician? I don't know, anyway, no other warnings that I know of, lol. Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin (Duh! If I owned Merlin, it would have ended differently :( because I think that their ending was a terrible one, even if it did make some sense ;) ) Sorry about that tiny little digression, and now onto the story! Oops! One more thing (sorry)! This is set where Arthur is king, obviously Uther is dead, Gwen is queen (duh) but magic is still outlawed, but also Morgana is dead. Basically it's where the sorcerer at Camlan (Is that how it's spelled?) killed Mordred and Morgana, but didn't reveal his identity to Arthur (Isn't that how everyone wanted it to end?) Anyway, thought that might be a bit helpful. NOW, onto the story ;) Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Arthur watched the pyre burn. All he could think of was Merlin while the pyre burned. Merlin, a warlock. Arthur blocked out the noise, and soaked in the moment. He sat back, watching the flames consume the pyre and everything that went with it.

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4 Months Prior

"Merlin's been missing for three months, Arthur. Who knows if he's even still alive?" Gwen paused and sighed, speaking softer now "I'm not telling you to give up hope that he will come back to us, I'm only telling you to make sure it doesn't consume you. You've had search parties out there every day, Arthur. You've done everything you can." Gwen pleaded with Arthur, trying to show him the truth of the matter.

Arthur ignored her pleas. He couldn't give up hope. Not now, not on Merlin. Merlin had never given up hope in Arthur, so Arthur couldn't give up hope in Merlin. He had to believe that Merlin would be found, that he would return. Arthur refused to believe that his friend was gone. Merlin wasn't only his manservant, he was his best friend, and Arthur couldn't lose him. Arthur didn't know what he would do if Merlin were really, truly, gone. "I can't…Gwen I have to keep searching. It's what keeps me going. I can't lose your support, too. Gaius has already given up hope. If you give up, then it confirms my fears, Gwen. I can't give up on Merlin, he never gave up on me." Arthur desperately looked at his desk with a map on it and gripped the sides, his eyes fervently studying the places he'd searched over the past three months. "I can search there again; we only went part of the way into the forest, I think, and we need to re-check the Valley of the Fallen Kings…" Arthur continued mumbling to himself.

"Arthur, please! See reason! Merlin is not coming back!" Gwen cried, pulling at Arthur's shirt and jacket. She sank to the floor and buried her face in her hands, sobbing by Arthur's feet, begging him to let go. To let go of their lost friend.

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Eventually Gwen stopped trying to make Arthur see sense. She accepted that he wouldn't give up hope, possibly ever. She learned to live with the fact that her husband and her best friend were gone. When Merlin went missing, so did a part of Arthur. That is not to say that Gwen didn't miss Merlin just as much as Arthur, but she didn't understand the point of hoping for something that wasn't going to happen. She believed Merlin to be dead, and didn't want to endure more pain by thinking otherwise and being crushed every time that a patrol came back empty-handed and Merlinless. Arthur's heart was breaking, and Gwen couldn't stand by to watch. Gwen stayed in her chambers for days at a time. Nobody knew what she did in there, but they could hear the sobs from the other side of the castle. Arthur was blind to his wife's pain, and was so intently focused on finding his friend, his brother, that he didn't realize that his marriage was breaking. Gwen was breaking.

The knights weren't much better. Gwaine wouldn't give up on the little brother he never had, and nobody could convince him to. Nobody even tried. He drank more (if that was even possible) and was almost never sober. Leon, however, gave up hope long before anyone else. He had lost many soldiers to many different causes, and couldn't follow even his king down that hopeless path. Elyan and Percival never gave up hope, like Gwaine, but it was because until they had cold, hard evidence that Merlin was gone, they couldn't give up hope. Merlin never gave up on them, even when they thought something was hopeless, Merlin showed them how to get through it. Merlin showed them how to see the bright side of things, and how to always be positive. They had to think that if Merlin could see them he would be proud. He wouldn't be proud of someone who gave up so easily.

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"Arthur!" Merlin's screams echoed through the forest.

"Merlin!" Arthur desperately tried to locate the source of the screams.

"Arthur! Help!"

Arthur was spinning in circles. The screams came from a different direction each time. Where was he? "Merlin!"

"Arthur help! Arthur!…Arthur!"

Arthur awoke with a start, sitting up suddenly in his bed. The sheen of sweat could be seen on his brow. His blue eyes were wide with terror. This was a recurring nightmare that he had since Merlin's disappearance. Merlin was being taken away from him every night. Arthur never told Gwen, because he was afraid of what she would think. He was afraid that she would think he was insane because he dreamt about Merlin every night.

It was the middle of the night, but he called a servant up to his chambers to bring him some food. Arthur walked over to his desk and sat down, studying that damn map again. Arthur wondered if he would ever find Merlin. Arthur wondered if it was even worth it. He wondered if Gwen was right, if Merlin was dead. Arthur pulled his hair and cast the items on his desk to the ground, with glass shattering and books making a thud. A servant came running into the room to check on his king, but Arthur growled "Leave me." Minutes later there was a knock at his door.

"Arthur?"

He recognized Guinevere's voice, and responded hesitantly "Enter."

She slowly pushed the door open, and seeing the state he was in, with his hair in every direction, his shirt half tucked in, his belt on, but unbuckled, his eyes teary and sorrowful, ran to him and held him while he cried.

"Shhh. Shhh. It's okay. You're okay" Gwen held him tight and promised him she wouldn't let go.

Arthur sniffed and kept his eyes closed. He felt safe again in Gwen's arms.

Gwen pulled away eventually and asked "Now, what's this all about?"

Arthur felt like a child who was about to be scolded, so he kept his eyes on the floor while he spoke "I've had a recurring nightmare since Merlin's disappearance…I didn't feel like I could tell you about it before. Every time it happens I feel…so…helpless" Arthur choked on the last word, because that's exactly how he felt now, and how he had felt every moment that Merlin was missing. "I'm the king and I can't even find one person. So many people are counting on me, or were, to find Merlin, and I've failed them…I've failed Merlin."

"No, Arthur. You've not failed Merlin. You've done everything in your power to find him, and it's not your fault that he is missing. It's circumstance. You can blame the gods, or the fates, but you cannot blame yourself. You are the one person who has never given up hope in this search. Even I have given up, Arthur, that has to show you something. If anyone has failed Merlin, it is myself, but not you Arthur. Please don't do that to yourself. Please?"

Arthur nodded his head.

"Now, let's get some sleep, hmm? We'll send more search parties out in the morning, I'll even go with you if you'd like, just promise me one thing?"

Arthur nodded slowly.

"Promise me that after another month, you will stop searching," Gwen put her hand on his chest to stop his beginning protests. She took a breath and began again. "It has already been three months. If you don't find anything, starting a month from tomorrow, promise me you will stop searching. I want my husband back" A single tear

Arthur hadn't realized that he had let this consume him so much. He hadn't realized that Gwen had not been sleeping in his chambers for two weeks now, and that Gaius had already locked Merlin's room, or that Gwaine never left the tavern anymore. By continuing this search, Arthur hadn't allowed anyone to grieve properly or to have any closure. Arthur hadn't realized what destruction he'd caused. "I'm so so sorry, Gwen. I'm sorry that I didn't heed your warnings, and that I didn't listen to you before. But I will promise you that I will stop the searches if I don't find any evidence leading to Merlin's whereabouts in the next month. I promise you that. You deserve at least that."

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The pain was all that Merlin could think about. He was cold and yet the burn on his shoulder was searing with pain that made it hot again. The slices down his abdomen were stinging and his leg was throbbing from the hammer they had taken to it.

Merlin tried to maintain a hope that Arthur and the knights would find him, but that hope was beginning to dwindle into a small thread that was threatening to snap at any moment. Merlin wasn't sure if he should just give up and die. Maybe they'd already assumed him dead. He was only sure of one thing…Arthur would never give up on him.