There are too few fics centered on Haibara out there if you ask me. Also, I'm having writer's block on Deceptive Appearances and needed to write something. This fic was inspired by an image of Haibara during two instances of the Bus Hijacking Case stuck in my mind. Hope you like!
Disclaimer: If I owned Detective Conan, the English subbed episodes would come out faster. At least I think Gosho Aoyama has some affect on that. If not, I still don't own.
Read and review. Read and review. Read and review. Read and review. Read and review. Read and review. . . I hope you got the point.
At first glance, I suppose it seems I have a layer of cold frost and impenetrable steel surrounding me and all my emotions. I don't show much inclination to do anything, could care less about being social, and just ignore most people. Odd behavior for someone my "age" I suppose.
Underneath that, there are more layers of shields. I rarely use sarcasm and irony to poke fun and have never really cracked a joke. I'm entirely serious almost all the time and hide myself under a cloak of pessimism, and use sarcasm and cool indifference to make people stay away.
At least, that's how it appears. There's a reason the Detective Boys were so annoyed with me on my first day of school I suppose. I don't let anyone close, and most of the time I could care less what others were doing. At least, that's how it's supposed to be.
Kudo-kun knows it. The hakase knows it. Even the Detective Boys know it, if not the cause. Even worse, some of the Black Organization knows it. Like Gin, though he doesn't know about my current forms, and he's the worst person who could know, out of everyone on Earth.
They all know that no matter how hard I try to hide it, no matter how much I attempt to distance myself, my armor isn't perfect. Originally, I wanted to keep anyone from coming in. So that no one could become important or precious to me. If it had worked, there's a good chance that it not only would've saved my mourning – not that I am delusional enough to think that I'd be allowed to live that long – but it would keep them from missing me and shedding worthless tears. For all I know, it might even have saved some of their lives.
For all my efforts to prevent it, I've started truly caring about people for the first time since Akemi died. I've come to care about the professor like a grandfatherly figure, and the Detective Boys as younger siblings.
Then there's Mouri-chan and Kudo-kun. Mouri-chan looks so much like onee-san, it hurts even more. She's also saved my life before and I owe her that. In some ways I might owe her the truth, of knowing that she saved someone who quite possibly might cause them all to be murdered some day. The reason she and Kudo-kun can no longer be together. I think not telling her would be kinder though, so I intend to keep her from finding out.
Kudo-kun, I do know I'm beginning to love, but that doesn't matter. At the very least, I'm honest with myself about how I feel when anything's concerned, but no one else knows my thoughts about most things. He has Mouri-chan, and I want both of them to be happy. I owe him my life more than I do Mouri-chan. My feelings don't matter at this point; I'll try to repay them by finding the antidote for my drug. I'm not sure if I'll take it myself though, I still fear them too much. It'd be too easy for them to find me at my true age.
The Black Organization is the only thing I truly fear, the only thing that can crack through my complexly layered armor and cloak of indifference. I don't fear thembecause I fear death, in fact Kudo-kun has had to stop me from committing suicide or running away multiple times. And if it weren't for Mouri-chan that time at the docks, I'd be dead right now. I think he finally knocked some sense into me when he told me not to run away from my fate and not to throw away my life.
They still terrify me though. To the point where, for all I've seen and even murdered, am reduced to a shivering, fearful little girl. Acting like the child I never got the chance to be would in my situation. Acting the part I now look. In a way, this second life is the closest thing to a real childhood I'll ever get. But they're still looking for me and Kudo-kun, so I live in hiding and in fear. I can't be the carefree child I look like. Both of my childhoods have been ruined by them, whether I was in their clutches or not.
I don't fear that they'll kill me, only that they'll hurt and kill those around me. The people that I care about will have to suffer at their hands because of me. There was a reason I used to want to take my own life and remove everyone's only link to the Organization. To spare them more suffering, whether of my murder or, more importantly, their own deaths or the deaths of those they care about more than they ever could care about me.
When the Organization is near, all my armor collapses. I might've put down layers upon layers, in an effort to make it impenetrable, but that didn't work. It the face of them, I can't even hide behind a weak little mask of childishness, normalcy, or bravery. I just sit there and tremble, hoping that they don't notice me, don't kill my friends, or whoever's there with me, for in this state I don't go many places alone. No matter how naïve it is, hope is all I have in times like that. That's not enough though. I don't even think thoughts of hope, I just try to hide myself, try to keep them from noticing me. It hasn't been in vain yet, but it has always been a display of naïve, unconscious, hope.
The sixth sense when it comes to them that I possess is both a gift and a curse. I know when act and when to fear, though I can't do much in the way of acting like a little kid to derail their suspicions, the fear of them chills me to the bone.
However, it keeps me from giving myself away by acting mature, or like myself. I've never been one for acting, so I'm glad the kids just accept me and Kudo-kun as we are, despite our maturity, intelligence, and all our other oddities. I can't pretend very well, so I mostly just stick to acting like myself, if sometimes a slightly more optimistic and childish version.
Somehow, I even have a vague sense of who is in the area, and how many there are. If I've met them before, I can usually identify them, and I always know if I haven't. Gin and Vermouth scare me the most, but no matter how malevolent they are, or the reason they're near me, I fear them with every fiber of my being, for the sake of the others. Though, I think that maybe it's gotten to the point where I'd rather not die at all if it could be helped.
Why that one time at the fire, the feeling disappeared, I'll never know. I also don't know why it is that I don't get it around the man staying next door in Kudo-kun's house, even though I'm certain he's one of them. I don't particularly care why though, and I certainly don't have Kudo-kun's faith in him. I will find out what's going on someday, in order to save my own hide. More importantly, to protect Kudo-kun, Mouri-chan, the professor, and the kids.
They're the only thing that can crack my impenetrable armor, and that in itself is another huge thing to fear them for. I hope that someday they will be taken down, though that seems rather out of reach for the moment. I want to be able to not live in fear for all those around me though. To be able to act like the child I appear to be. Despite all of that, I thank everyone for taking some of the edge off my armor and wearing it down. Those extra layers wouldn't make a difference against them, so it's nice to sometimes know that I have friends and alllies. I don't have to endure the apin of feeling alone on top of everything.