AN: Okay so this is a response to a request from Tumblr asking for Gray apologizing to Juvia after leaving her during the Avatar arc. I kinda twisted the request around a little, because we have a bunch of apology fics, and a bunch of angry Juvia fics, and I wanted to take it some place different. Hope you enjoy.
Also for those of you wondering, yes I am writing IKYSS's next chapter, sorry life's been a bit hectic and so finding time to write hasn't been as easy as I'd have liked. But the good news is I'm joining Nanowrimo and hoping to get the next chapter done, if not mostly done, by the time November starts.
Tell Me How You Feel
She'd almost had him convinced.
Against his better judgement, and despite several hints and warnings from the others, Gray had believed her when she'd said things were fine.
Because it was Juvia, and she'd never lie to him. Because how could that soft smile be faked? Because her relief upon seeing him was palpable, and because it felt so right to have her hug him, hold him, and smile at him again after six months.
For six long months everything had been wrong and seeing her again righted everything, and he just couldn't fathom her feeling any differently.
Or maybe he was just selfish, she made it too easy, and thus he ignored his instinct that told him she should be furious, and he should feel guilty.
Maybe…
Probably….
Definitely.
Either way, he'd allowed himself the illusion as they'd parted from their friends, and he'd held onto it as they rode home.
He'd still explained everything, from visiting Porlyusica for the marks to running into Erza and how she'd asked him to go undercover, and Juvia had listened.
She'd listened and nodded along and at the end of it all she'd simply tightened her hold on him, and whispered "Juvia is just glad Gray-sama is okay," in his ear.
And he accepted those words and let her cheek rest on his shoulder for the remainder of the ride without complaint, because he couldn't quite shake the feeling that it shouldn't have been so easy, and that he owed her; but also it felt nice after so many months, to have her holding onto him again.
He actually allowed himself to relax and enjoy the feel of it. The feel of her, and the knowledge that they were going home, and fairy tail was coming back, and that everything was finally right again.
Of course, the feeling didn't last.
The feeling of unease returned as soon as the village they'd been living came into view, but Gray managed to ignore it, even as they rode past the abandoned houses. He ignored the puddles slowly shrinking in the sun, and the smell of rain that still hung in the air. Dismissed it entirely because she wasn't that girl anymore, hadn't been for years, and rain was a part of life. It happened on its own.
It wasn't until he stepped into their own home, that he was forced to give up the farce.
Juvia, was apparently infinitely more determined than he was.
"Welcome home Gray-sama!" Her brilliant smile beamed up at him.
"Uh, right… I'm home," he replied, as he glanced about the cottage.
"Juvia is going to go start on dinner; Gray-sama must be starving."
He nodded mutely.
The place was frozen in time. Everything was exactly how he'd left it; clothes hung or folded, his bed was made, and their table was set for two.
His heart ached at the sight of it all, and then guilt hit him hard in the gut as he watched Juvia flit about their kitchen, humming to herself, with a soft smile on her lips, as though nothing had happened. As though he'd never left her waiting.
It was too much.
"Juvia," he snapped, wincing at the harsh tone of his voice.
She stopped humming and her smile faltered for a moment. When she turned to face him it was back in place. "Yes Gray-sama?"
"Drop the act," he demanded.
She blinked at him, and cocked her head to the side. "The act? Juvia isn't sure what Gray-sama is talking about."
He growled. "This act, the one where you keep pretending everything is okay, when clearly it's not."
A soft sigh fell from Juvia's lips, and she averted her gaze from his. "Juvia was worried, but Gray-sama is back now, and he's been okay all this time, so Juvia is okay now. She's truly happy, it isn't an act."
"But you weren't okay! Stop downplaying this, stop pretending you were just worried! The entire village was abandoned, there are still puddles in the streets, and this…." his words petered out, as he gestured about the house.
His heart squeezed as she stared back at him, calm and collected. She was supposed to be the emotional one, she was supposed to have these outbursts, not him.
It was so backwards, and foreign, and he felt foolish and frustrated all at once because shouldn't she care more? Didn't she understand how it felt? He'd spent the last six months worried about her. Every day he was away from her, his heart ached for her, and as the months went by the guilt had eaten away at him. He'd been certain she'd hate him, or at least that she'd be furious with him, but this was so much worse.
She was acting like it didn't matter. Like all the suffering they'd endured hadn't happened, or that it didn't matter.
"You're supposed to tell me these things. I shouldn't have to hear it from other people, I shouldn't have to come home and see it for myself. You're supposed to be honest and tell me your feelings!"
"Does that mean Gray-sama is ready to talk about his feelings?"
His mouth fell open and heat spread across his cheeks. He didn't need to ask to know exactly what feelings she was referring to, and he found himself at a loss for words.
She stood across from him, hands clasped before her. Her question was asked softly, and her stance was meek, but there was a determined look in her eyes. One that made him feel two feet tall, and brought the guilt rolling back in full force.
Juvia sighed, and offered him a small sad smile. "Juvia didn't think so." And then she turned and was back to preparing dinner, and humming softly, leaving Gray to collapse onto his chair at the kitchen table, and watch her, and contemplate what he was going to do now.
Of course she knew how it felt to worry so much only to be dismissed. She'd spent so much time worried about his dark marks, and his disappearances. How many times had she asked, only to be told not to worry? How many times had she told him she cared for him, that she'd been worried about him, that she'd missed him, and gotten a simple smile or pat on the head as a reply. How many more times had he just dismissed her?
All this time he'd been expecting her anger, her tears, her screams. Instead he was being met with his own indifference, mirrored back so perfectly, and he found it was worse than anything he'd imagined.
It had him wondering if he always left her feeling this way. Surely not, or she wouldn't still be by his side, but definitely sometimes. It was a thought that made him feel awful, because for all that she sometimes embarrassed him, and was over the top about a lot of things, she also made him feel warm, safe, and appreciated.
He'd thought living with her was going to be difficult and overwhelming at first. That it would just encourage her antics and make them worse, but it hadn't. Instead he found her calmer, and their lives quickly synced up. It had been easier than he'd ever thought it could be, and she kept him going. Kept him smiling. Even with the guild gone, he hadn't been alone.
Juvia had been by his side for so long, and even when he was gone, he knew she'd be here waiting. She was always waiting for him, and he'd be lying to himself if he wasn't getting tired of making her wait. More than ever he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't. He still had one more thing to do.
But that didn't mean he couldn't say anything.
The chair scraped along the floor as he stood. He snuck up behind her, and let his arms circle her waist pulling her tight to his chest. She stiffened, and he lowered his lips to her ear. "I missed you."
It may not have been the feelings she'd been asking about, but they were his feelings none the less, and she deserved at least that much.
"J-juvia was so w-worried about Gray-sama," she warbled, her body shaking with the effort to suppress her sobs.
The words 'I know' hung on his lips, a standard response he'd grown used to offering when ever she told him things like this, but he bit them back. Instead he offered her the truth and held her just a bit tighter. "Me too, Juvia. Me too. "
"I heard those two were living together. Is that true?" Jet asked.
Gray bit back a sigh, it was only a matter of time before someone decided to bring it up.
"Yeah, they tied the knot!" Droy replied.
Heat rushed to his cheeks, and he opened his mouth to correct Droy.
"And they have a kid." Nab added.
Gray nearly choked. Who the hell had these idiots been talking to?
"According to what I heard, Lucy's his mistress," Macao said.
Gray nearly fell off the ladder in his haste to get to them and shut the idiots up. Rumours about him and Juvia were one thing, easily corrected, and well, he could deal with Juvia's fantasies being a bit more numerous for a day or two. But this was dangerous! Juvia did not take well to the idea of him and other women.
"Mistress?!"
"And there's whispers he's seeing Erza on the side, too," Wacaba interjected.
Gray couldn't believe his ears. He was dead, so dead. "How farfetched can a rumour get!"
He couldn't even figure out what to do about Juvia let alone manage a mistress, and another girl on the side! As if Juvia would allow it! Girl was crazy possessive of him, and a force of nature when upset.
He shuddered at the thought and shook his head. Time to put all of this to bed before she lost it.
"You're all crazy, I don't even have a girlfriend! Never mind getting married, having kids, and I definitely am not doing anything with Lucy and Erza."
"So you did live together with Juvia then?" Jet asked.
Macao and Wakaba offered him knowing smiles and Gray panicked. He did not want to deal with those perverts questions.
"It's not like I invited her. She moved in and refused to leave…." As soon as the words left his mouth Gray wanted to punch himself. He'd said before that his living with Juvia wasn't a secret, and while he hadn't exactly invited her, he'd never asked her to leave either. He'd never wanted her to.
He could feel Juvia's gaze on him, and tried not to look in her direction. He didn't want to see the disappointment on her face.
Suddenly her laughter pealed through the air, and Gray snuck a quick glance at her. She flashed him a knowing smile, before turning back to her work, and he felt his chest loosen just a bit.
"I-is that right?" Macao asked, glancing between the two of them.
Gray simply nodded as he walked away. They could think what they wanted, the only person that mattered new the truth, and soon he'd tell her himself, because he was tired of keeping her waiting, and he was tired of waiting himself.