"Jack?"
Not now, Gwen… I can't do this now. She hadn't seen me, I had just enough time to jump down into my bunker and close the hatch. It was quiet down there, way too quiet, but I couldn't do debriefing or interviewing or whatever it was Gwen wanted.
None of them knew what I was going through, I thought, sitting on my bed. He always complained about how small it was, but didn't really seem to mind sleeping close. He never pulled away or went stiff… at least, not in that sense. In fact, for as cool as he was all day around the Hub, he was always very affectionate after hours.
And I'd started to believe in that. Those cute bow-lips and his beautiful, young eyes that still held so much age in them. I'd started to believe in how he held me at night and thought, maybe once, it was more than just convenient. Maybe I could tell him about the things that hurt or scared me still after all these years. Maybe he wouldn't laugh that stupid things like spiders really creeped me out. Well, maybe a little, but he'd still deal with them for me.
Somewhere in this stupidly romantic, never-learning brain of mine… I believed that maybe I could have just a little normal. It wouldn't be long, I knew, I could feel it. He'd come back, he'd fix me, and then I'd be free to give all of myself to someone. I could say "for the rest of our lives" and mean it like everybody else did. I could have a "forever" with just one other person. Because the way I was… that could never work. I may be stubborn, but after enough things have blown up in my face, I do actually get the message.
Thing was… even after all that, I didn't blame him. It hurt, a lot, and I wondered what he'd been planning to do, assuming he could have got her back (which wasn't possible anyway). Would he have just disappeared with her, like we couldn't have found them? But wouldn't I have done the same when I was his age? It was selfish, unbelievably selfish even for someone with my reputation, but all I really wanted to know was if he'd ever felt anything at all for me. Anyone would think I'd be used to being betrayed by now.
I was ashamed of so much – that I hadn't noticed something was off, that I'd let my pain and anger get the better of me, that I used threats and intimidation on someone I knew never intended to hurt anyone. I had a lot to make up for, to everyone. I just had no idea where to start.
Lying down, I caught the subtle, clean scent of his cologne and all I could think was how much I was going to miss his lips on mine after a bad day.