College Major Course: Super Heroes 101

Basic Rules for Heroes and Heroines

Spandex.

Females MUST show cleavage.

Choosing a name is essential.

If you pick a name like "The Hummingbird" or "The Peacock," I'm failing you.

If you fail my class, you are NOT allowed to call yourself "Super F."

No sexual names. Just… ew. No.

Beware of abbreviations! For example, "Black Soldier" would look bad on your suit. "It's a bird! It's a plane!! It's… it's BS." Fail.

Spandex. Not kidding.

If you are a daytime hero, pick bright colors for your suit. If you are a nighttime hero, pick dark colors for your suit. It doesn't work the other way around.

Hunter's orange is not cool.

No pastels.

Primary colors are preferred.

Female heroes are cooler because they fight crime in high heels.

Men may emphasize muscles, but they may NOT emphasize their package.

Eventually you must choose an animal sidekick.

When choosing an animal sidekick;

The sidekick must be functional, useful, loyal, and intimidating and/or stealthy.

Aquatic animals are restricted to water-affiliated heroes… mostly because they don't function out of water.

No cute and fluffy animals, especially squirrels and bunnies.

Examples of good super hero animal sidekicks: Krypto (superman), Batdog (duh), and Mouse (not actually a mouse).

Spandex.

You must have a helpless love interest. They play key roles in a superhero's day-to-day life.

They provide drama. A lot of drama.

Your archenemy has to have someone to threaten.

Be consistent. Spider-man MARRIED his damsel-in-distress.

To be a superhero, you must have some level of intelligence, otherwise you probably won't last long.

You must have either a superpower or a ridiculous amount of money.

If you don't have either, money is easier to get.

See "gardening" 101.

This is also a bonus because you'll know who to beat on.

Also, no one will suspect a drug dealer to be a superhero.

A superhero must have some skill with witty banter. Batman is the exception.

Witty banter does not include inappropriate jokes. *

Female superheroes – if you can fly, you must wear something under your skirt.

A superhero does not have to be a sex symbol.

If you're schizophrenic, make sure your enemy is real BEFORE you challenge him loudly.

Getting your enemy to monologue is a powerful skill. **

Spandex. Use it.

Practice poses for paparazzi photographs. Check with me before you pose for photos. Lame poses will cost you serious points.

Despite what they say in Juno, you may not fight crime pregnant.

Do not date allies. Important. It will create awkwardness.

Do not date enemies. More important. Trust me, it never helps.

Costume colors:

Red and pink will make you look like a bad valentine.

If you establish yourself in a certain city, study what the colors of the popular sports teams are. DON"T choose those colors.

No clashing colors.

Your mode of transportation is part of your identity. Cars are awesome. Motorcycles are cooler. If you pick a bicycle, I'll fail you so hard. SO hard.

* To read more on banter, see chapter 18 in you text, "How to Goad Your Enemy; A Study of Temper Among Villains."

** See chapter 10; "Monologue Inducement; The Villainous Ego and You."