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Summary: A companion piece to "Paradox". As her wedding day draws closer, Ga Eul is plagued by memories of her encounter with Yi Jeong. While she struggles to carry on, he realises he can't be without her.
Warning: R
WITHOUT YOU
She dreads the time when the day draws to a close and she has to put her head down on the pillow. Sleep can only be resisted for so long. Sooner or later, she succumbs to the darkness and that is when he comes to her. There is nothing, no activity to immerse herself in, no wedding details to attend to, nothing to stop him. Dreams are a sign of what dwells in the unconscious, or so they say. She would rather deny that; to accept it means to acknowledge that she is empty of everything else, that he fills her entire world. Because all she sees behind closed lids is him.
Her fiancé is a sweet man. He's not Yi Jeong; he will not burn her up inside. He can't hurt her. He is warm and kind, and patient. He is safe. When he proposed, she thought of it as her chance to finally prove to herself that she can move on. She can have it all: a career, a husband, children and eventually love. She tells herself that she has learnt to feel affection for him, so surely one day she will feel that familiar spark of excitement, that soul deep thrill that she knows she will always feel for Yi Jeong. So she endures heated dreams full of fear and desire, in which she offers herself up for betrayal with an eagerness that causes her stomach to turn when she remembers it while planning her wedding. On some level she thinks she should hate herself; she would never forgive such betrayal from her fiancé. Sometimes she scrubs herself so hard in the shower that she has mild abrasions; she wishes hypocrisy could be washed away.
"Ga Eul-ssi, you really have to stop dieting. Your figure is perfect but you're going to be too skinny to fit into your gowns," her designer complains for the second time in two weeks. Ga Eul nods, stands still as the woman huffs while pinning the gown tighter yet again. "You need to sleep more too. Look at you, you need to go for a facial and maybe more massages. You don't want to look this worn out on your wedding day."
She wonders if it is the wedding or the secret that is eating her alive that is causing her to look so fatigued. When she looks in the mirror, she sees for a fleeting moment Yi Jeong's face, his eyes closed tight, his jaw clenched, feels his body moving deep inside hers. A tremor runs through her, there is a fierce rush of heat and she chokes back a sob. She should never have gone to see him that night; her mistake will haunt her forever. But she knows that even if she could take it back, erase the moment, she probably will not. He is her cross that she gladly carries, her silent burden that she willingly bears. Now she knows the darker side of what it is to be soul mates.
There is a calendar that she keeps on her table, not at work, but at home. Each day, morning and night, she looks at it, counts down to her wedding. As the big day inches closer, her heart clenches in her chest, her stomach tightens when she thinks of the banquet and the solemnisation that precedes it. Wedding jitters, her mother says soothingly when Ga Eul shares these feelings with her. It's completely normal. 'Not when I want you to tell me it's a sign that I should reconsider marrying him,' Ga Eul thinks to herself even as she nods obediently.
Sometimes she thinks that it is all a mistake, that she should never have dated someone steadily for two years, let alone accepted his proposal. Maybe that's why she feels so trapped that at times, she can hardly breathe. Then there are days when she thinks that it is a mistake to think this wedding is the source of her inner conflict. Maybe she needs to get this over and done with to truly move on. Because the alternative—waiting for someone who refuses to want her—is unthinkable. She put her life on hold for So Yi Jeong for four years and he threw them away. She shouldn't make that mistake again.
She finds herself thinking the same thing that evening when she walks through her door of her tiny apartment and finds him waiting there for her. She doesn't even want to know how he managed to get in, she's sure Woo Bin has something to do with this. "Why are you here?" she asks quietly, knowing that she should keep the door open if she wants a way out but still shutting it anyway.
His good looks are slightly marred by the faint shadows under his eyes. He seems to have lost some weight too. "Why are you here?" she repeats, willing him to say something.
His lips press together in a thin line, he looks down. Her heart sinks when silence ensues. Nothing has changed. Ga Eul slumps against the door, takes off her shoes and tells him to see himself out. He catches her while she is walking to her bedroom, holds her against him, his cheek pressed against hers. In spite of herself, her body thrills to his touch and she knows he feels the same way. "Please don't do this," she whispers.
"Don't you want me?" he replies.
"That's not fair."
He looks guilty, but that does not stop him from leading her into the bedroom. Neither of them attempts to switch on the lights. She lets him push her down gently on the bed; he removes the clip from her hair, spreading her curls out onto the pillow. He unbuttons her blouse, undresses her with care, she wonders why he wants this time to be different from the previous experience. They kiss with a fervour that borders on desperation, as though they would swallow each other whole. Ga Eul opens her eyes as Yi Jeong moves lower and lower, past her belly, down her thighs. This is something different; she's never experienced this before. "No," she says but he already has his hands beneath her knees, is pushing her legs further apart. And then his mouth comes down on her and she arches her back, hands fisting in the sheets, her head pressed against the pillows. "Oh…."
He only stops when her moans turn into a sharp cry of ecstasy as she comes. He wraps himself around her, takes her hard and fast, making her scream again. She opens her eyes once to see him staring at her, his eyes dark, his expression intense and unreadable in the fast fading light. She wants to ask him why he is doing this. Instead, she closes her eyes and shuts her mouth, focusing instead on the pressure building up inside her as their sweat slicked bodies writhe together.
He pushes her over the edge again and again until she is limp and pliant in his arms. She knows what he is doing: he is marking her and she resents him for it even as she clings to him, inhaling the scent of his skin and their lovemaking. Finally he comes as well, his muscles taut under her palms, his back curved as he pins her beneath him with a final hard thrust before collapsing into her embrace.
When he finally rolls onto his side, she starts to move, she wants to get dressed. But he stops her, pulls her back into bed with him. "I'll leave before morning. I promise," he whispers. "Just stay for awhile."
And as always, she cannot deny him, even though she knows she will have to pay for this.
…..
"What exactly are you playing at?"
Yi Jeong barely looks up at his two best friends. He fixes his gaze on the clay he is moulding. He adds a bit more water, adds a bit more pressure, concentrates on making a perfect circle.
"I asked you a question," Woo Bin speaks again after a few more moments.
Yi Jeong wonders if he can chase them away by keeping silent. He realises he can't when both of them take a seat. They're apparently prepared to wait it out. When he finally has the shape and contour he wants, Yi Jeong stops working, wipes his hands off with a damp cloth. "It's none of your business."
"I think it is because Ga Eul is our friend. She's Jan Di's best friend. And you are ours."
Ji Hoo's tone is firm but non-judgemental. Woo Bin, on the other hand, looks worried. "Yi Jeong ah, Ga Eul is getting married in three days' time. And the two of you are still…" His voice trails off and Yi Jeong's expression freezes into a mask. That answers the question of how much they know.
"She's getting married and you are making everything extremely difficult for her. Ga Eul is a loyal and faithful person. Why do you insist on turning her into something otherwise?"
Trust Ji Hoo to fire the shot that goes straight to his heart. It's on the tip of his tongue to say that she betrayed him first, she began this, she belongs to him, he's taking what is his before he loses it forever. But he doesn't because as always, the words are strangled in his throat. "We're consenting adults. Go away," he says with deliberate nonchalance. "I don't need your approval."
"We're not saying that. We're just telling you to think of her instead of yourself for once." Woo Bin sounds angry, he's taken the bait. "Have you actually seen how she looks like nowadays or are you blind because you're too busy using her to get off?"
On any given day, Yi Jeong would never even consider taking on Woo Bin. He's a lover, not a fighter although he can take care of himself. But today is different. He's on Woo Bin before anyone of them actually realise what's going on. Woo Bin takes two punches, to his face and gut respectively, before he starts hitting back. Ji Hoo is shouting, trying to separate them.
Yi Jeong stumbles back, his lip stinging and he knows he is bleeding even before he wipes the blood away. To his satisfaction, a bruise is already blossoming on Woo Bin's face. Ji Hoo is in front of Woo Bin, telling him to calm down, holding him back.
When it's clear that Woo Bin won't pursue the fight, Ji Hoo turns around. Yi Jeong knows the little signs that indicate when Ji Hoo is upset and they are all there now. He steels himself for a tongue lashing he knows he richly deserves.
"Ga Eul fainted the other day. Jan Di and Woo Bin took her to the doctor."
Yi Jeong inhales sharply. She'd told him she was on birth control…
"No, she's not pregnant. She's exhausted and suffering from stress, according to the doctor. I convinced Jan Di it had to do with the wedding, but we all know better."
He wishes he didn't know about this and thinks that Woo Bin is right, he is a selfish bastard. But he can't help himself when it comes to her.
"Are you going to stay away from her after she's married?"
Yi Jeong is unable to look at Ji Hoo. He knows the answer.
"Yi Jeong, love means caring for the other person. Sometimes, it involves sacrifice. What have you given to Ga Eul? What are you willing to give up for her?"
Although he knows she is another man's fiancée, he feels no shame every night when he goes to her. She on the other hand, is racked with guilt. Sometimes she cries quietly in his arms, in the dead of the night when she thinks he is sleeping. And this is why he has never been such an unselfish lover; giving her pleasure is his way of doing penance for the pain she feels because of him.
"You wasted four years of her life. Now that she has a stable relationship, you not only jeopardise it, you're going to ruin her marriage," Woo Bin says coldly. "Just because you want to have her around but not take responsibility."
Yi Jeong turns his back on them; he wishes their words could be as easily ignored.
"If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, you have no right to be with her in any way. Think about it."
Seconds later, he is left alone.
….
He hasn't slept for almost two days and he refuses to look in the mirror, for he knows what he will see. The heartache runs so deep that he feels it in his bones; his eyes feel dry and heavy. Today, she'll be married. Last night he had called her, she had made him promise to stay away the day before her wedding. After three attempts, he realised that Ga Eul was completely serious about cutting him out of her life after her marriage. She had dropped the bombshell on their last night together. Their affair was at its end, they had run their course. If he cared anything for her, he would never see her again. He had been so furious that he had stormed out, knowing that he had no argument to offer. She was right.
Yi Jeong stares at his phone, looks at the clock. There's no one to talk to, no one to console him. He can't even go to a bar to distract himself because it's only four in the afternoon. She should be getting ready now; her wedding begins at half past six. The thought of her standing before the justice of the peace and promising herself to another man makes him sick.
"Don't marry him," he whispers, his head in his hands. Those are the words he's been wanting to tell her. "I'm a coward and I have nothing to offer but please don't marry him." He hates that he is so needy, that in spite of his best intentions, he's never been able to stop himself from caring about her, from wanting her. He has never been able to run away from her.
He's still afraid of sharing his heart, but now Yi Jeong realises that he's more afraid of losing her. He's scared that if he keeps thinking about it, he'll talk himself out of going to see her. So he shuts out the voice of doubt that keeps reminding him about his parents and how he is his father's son and instead, reaches for his car keys. He has just gotten into his car when his phone rings. It's Woo Bin.
…
Her wedding starts in ninety minutes. Quietly, Ga Eul watches time trickle away on the two hands of her watch, oblivious to the curious stares of occasional passersby. The sky is clear and bright, the sun is not hot but warm. It's a lovely day to get married on. But instead she is sitting here, waiting for time to go by, for the deadline to pass, here to hide for awhile from people who will be looking for her. At times she wipes her tears away, but it's too late to go back and pretend everything is okay. She dreads the eventual meeting with her fiancé where no apology, however sincere, will sooth his heartache and erase his humiliation.
Sixty minutes. Her phone is silent, she turned it off when she left her apartment this morning before Jan Di and Jae Kyung arrived. She's a little surprised that Woo Bin hasn't found her already, given his resources. But then again, this place means something to only one other person and herself.
Her eyes glide over the steps, she cannot remember how many there are. She counted each step that day when she walked away from him. She should have stuck to her guns. Instead, she believed him when she said he would come back for her. It is only when she reaches the last few steps that she realises a man is standing there.
Their gazes lock and Ga Eul can only watch as he takes the steps, two at a time. He is coming to her. Even if she gets up and flees, she knows he will catch her. Then again, this is So Yi Jeong and she has never been able to run away from him, no matter how she tries.
Finally he reaches her, kneels down and takes her hands, which have been gripping her knees, in his. "Ga Eul yang," he says softly and she hates the way just the sound of that makes her heart ache. It's unfair that he has that much power over her.
"I couldn't marry him," she finally says after long moments of silence. "It wouldn't have been right or fair." She looks down, her long hair falling like a shield between them. "I wish I could hate you." The words are barely more than a whisper, wrung out from her lips, but they hurt more than a physical blow. "But it's not your fault. I always knew this wedding was a mistake. That's why I went to you that night."
She stops speaking and he realises that she's waiting for him to explain his presence. "I was going to your apartment." It hurts to see her eyes narrow in disbelief. "I was going to ask you not to marry him."
"Why?"
Because he loves her, unwillingly yet fiercely. Because for once his love outweighs his fear. "Because I can't be without you. Because I cannot think of you being with another man without wanting to break everything in sight. I…." His throat constricts and he swallows hard. It's the hardest thing in the world but he'll do anything to keep her. "Come home with me."
He brushes her hair back, tucks it gently behind her ear. Her lashes are wet with tears. "You don't have to do this. I didn't leave him in the hope that I could be together with you."
"I know you didn't. You just want to do the right thing." He winces as he says that, so does she. Nothing they have done so far has been right. "But if I do nothing again, I think I'll lose you completely. It's time I started giving myself to you too."
"Yi Jeong sunbae…"
"Please believe me Ga Eul yang." He's begging her but he doesn't care. "I'll help you sort things out. You won't have to face everyone alone. This is my responsibility too." It would be a huge scandal if the press ever found out but that's the risk he'll take. It's the least of his worries actually.
"Are you sure?" She looks at him, takes in the deep dark smudges under his eyes, the light stubble that covers his skin, his crumpled clothes. He obviously hasn't slept or shaved in a while and for once she actually thinks that he looks awful. Obviously he feels something for her but she wonders if it is enough for him to weather this storm they have both caused. She would rather face things alone now than have him desert her halfway through. That would break her completely.
Gently, he pulls her to her feet and into his arms. "I'll show you sweetheart. I mean it." Sweet relief fills him when she stays there and doesn't fight him. "Come home with me," he repeats.
After an age, she nods and that's when she starts crying. He holds her tightly, his tears mixing with hers. Yi Jeong remembers that day when she walked away from him. If only he had stuck to his guns and confessed to her. Maybe he wouldn't have left for Sweden at all and perhaps they would have avoided this mess.
It's a less than ideal start but still, it's a start. He has learnt his lesson well and this time, there'll be no leaving her ever again.